Weird reactions

[Earlystars1]

Hi, 38 m here from Atlanta.

I would say I am a pretty decent looking guy and I always go out of my way to be kind to people.  Well basically what is happening is that I have a nice conversation with someone, then they'll go out of their way to try and test me and say things to try and make me feel insecure or to undermine my confidence.  They'll also try and get other people to join in on this too.

If I ignore them for long enough, they'll either ask me out, give me free stuff, or give me discounts.  It's annoying though because stuff like this happens almost everywhere I go and it often happens too with people I don't even know or strangers.  Sometimes even without me saying anything at all, so I have people running up to me saying random stuff to me trying to get a reaction.  Also, other guys are oddly aggressive, or they'll go out of their ways to try and verbally overpower me or make me look bad.

Does anyone else go through this type of thing and is there any advice that you would give me to get people to stop bothering/trying to test me?  Thank you!

[Cherylyn]

It sounds to me that this is how you weed out rejects from your life and hold onto keepers who've proven that they're worthy and sincerely good to you. 

Don't go out of your way to be kind to people.  Be kind but don't over do it otherwise,  people will forever disappoint you as they've done for me.  Do just enough to be nice but don't go overboard.  This way,  you don't get too close so they won't feel comfortable enough to test you or say something snide to make you feel insecure.  Make sure your guard is up and they will sense that you are not to be contend with.  Whenever people perceive that they shouldn't dare attempt any shenanigans with you,  they're more apt to be reluctant to try any funny business on you and with others. 

Being too nice is a sign of insecurity and weakness which other people feed upon so dial it back. 

Since ignoring them for long enough works for you,  continue this tack.  They'll ask you out,  give you free stuff,  discounts,  etc.  Do what works!  If it isn't broken,  don't fix it! 

If other guys are aggressive and make you look bad,  learn to walk away.  Don't deal with creatures.

In the past,  people tested me sorely but not anymore.  I give off an aura of "don't mess with me" attitude and it works.  It's non-verbal communication.  I exude self confidence and high self esteem.  No one bothers me.  It took me years to hone these interpersonal skills.  You'll learn to read people well and they won't try you anymore.

[Batya33]

The common denominator is  you.  Where are you meeting these people you have conversations with, what are the general topics of conversation, who initiates the conversation, etc?

What do you mean by "kind"?  Do you get in their personal space to be "kind" or persist in offering help if it is declined? Etc.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Earlystars1 said:

If I ignore them for long enough, they'll either ask me out, give me free stuff, or give me discounts.  

Are these sales people? Who is giving you free stuff and asking you out? Who are these people who supposedly gang up on you and bully you?

 

[Earlystars1]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The common denominator is  you.  Where are you meeting these people you have conversations with, what are the general topics of conversation, who initiates the conversation, etc?

What do you mean by "kind"?  Do you get in their personal space to be "kind" or persist in offering help if it is declined? Etc.

Just regular places like coffee shops, grocery stores, etc.  Sometimes they'll just roll up on me and start saying stuff to try and make me feel insecure or undermine my confidence out of nowhere.

Not even.  I'll just ask them how they're doing, or if it's obvious that they're not having a good day, I'll try and be a good customer by not making a fuss and tip more.

[Earlystars1]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are these sales people? Who is giving you free stuff and asking you out? Who are these people who supposedly gang up on you and bully you?

 

Yeah.  So I'll be at like a coffee shop, or grocery store or just somewhere regular where generally you make small talk with people or ignore them totally and move about your day and they go out of their ways to test me.

Sometimes it's totally unprovoked and just a random stranger who doesn't work anywhere will roll up on me and try and see if they can test me or try to get some kind of reaction out of me.

Strangers.  Sometimes I know them, othertimes total strangers just looking to test me.  It's weird.

Like I was saying though, if I ignore them for long enough then if it's somewhere like a store or a bar or something, then people just start asking me out, or giving me free stuff, or discounts.

Human behavior is odd.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Earlystars1 said:

Yeah.  So I'll be at like a coffee shop, or grocery store or just somewhere regular where generally you make small talk with people or ignore them totally and move about your day and they go out of their ways to test me.

Sometimes it's totally unprovoked and just a random stranger who doesn't work anywhere will roll up on me and try and see if they can test me or try to get some kind of reaction out of me.

Strangers.  Sometimes I know them, othertimes total strangers just looking to test me.  It's weird.

Like I was saying though, if I ignore them for long enough then if it's somewhere like a store or a bar or something, then people just start asking me out, or giving me free stuff, or discounts.

Human behavior is odd.

These are strangers in places of business. What type of social activities do you do where you interact with people who are there for personal reasons?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Earlystars1 said:

 random stranger who doesn't work anywhere will roll up on me and try and see if they can test me or try to get some kind of reaction out of me. if it's somewhere like a store or a bar or something, then people just start asking me out, or giving me free stuff, or discounts.

What type of weird things do they say?  How are they testing you, for example?

What type of free stuff are they giving you? What happens when you go with friends? Do they notice it as well?

[Earlystars1]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

These are strangers in places of business. What type of social activities do you do where you interact with people who are there for personal reasons?

I'm generally talking to the people who work there and then someone will come out of the blue and just start trying to test me.

[Earlystars1]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What type of weird things do they say?  How are they testing you, for example?

What type of free stuff are they giving you? What happens when you go with friends? Do they notice it as well?

Good questions!

They'll start trying to call me gay or crazy out of the blue.  I think it's because I'm friendly, but then in catches on like wildfire and people keep rolling up to me trying to provoke me with that.

What they're doing is so immature though that I can't really respond to it, so they just keep going until they tire themselves out and start either trying to ask me out or giving me discounts or free stuff.

They give me whatever they are selling.  So if at a coffee shop, I get free or discounted coffee.  If at a bar I get free or ridiculously discounted drinks.  If it's a random person, then they buy me stuff then try and test me.

People's behavior is weird to me.  I suppose some people would consider this some kind of neg or game or something?

When I go with friends, the randoms will try it and it doesn't work then they look really sad/disappointed then walk off, or if I'm with a bad friend they try and jump in too then I have to ignore that friend as well as reduce contact with them from that day on.  

Strange, right?

[Cherylyn]

Different situation but a funny thing happened to me yesterday.  I was in the garden department buying roses for my front yard rose garden and this employee and I had some random,  nice chat for a while as he was helping me with rose bush choices.  He took the time to help me a lot.  Toward the end,  he gave me a whopping 50% discount and told me to ask for his assistance in the future and more future discounts!  He sensed that I was kind and I was shocked by how much money he saved me whereas another clerk charged me full price earlier in the day and yesterday.  I wasn't too nice,  fake nor phony either.  This employee was comfortable with me,  sensed my respect and rewarded me handsomely!  I will give him a rave review for his helpfulness and I hope he is promoted to management because he deserves it.    

[Big Stan]

35 minutes ago, Earlystars1 said:

Good questions!

They'll start trying to call me gay or crazy out of the blue.  I think it's because I'm friendly, but then in catches on like wildfire and people keep rolling up to me trying to provoke me with that.

What they're doing is so immature though that I can't really respond to it, so they just keep going until they tire themselves out and start either trying to ask me out or giving me discounts or free stuff.

They give me whatever they are selling.  So if at a coffee shop, I get free or discounted coffee.  If at a bar I get free or ridiculously discounted drinks.  If it's a random person, then they buy me stuff then try and test me.

People's behavior is weird to me.  I suppose some people would consider this some kind of neg or game or something?

When I go with friends, the randoms will try it and it doesn't work then they look really sad/disappointed then walk off, or if I'm with a bad friend they try and jump in too then I have to ignore that friend as well as reduce contact with them from that day on.  

Strange, right?

So you'll be out getting coffee and the cashier will just up and call you gay?  Seriously?  I've never heard of such a thing.  

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

So you'll be out getting coffee and the cashier will just up and call you gay?  Seriously?  I've never heard of such a thing.  

Me either. I've never been out somewhere and someone walks up, calls me a lesbian and then buys me a coffee or a bag of pretzels. 

And you say this happens to you all the time?

[Big Stan]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Me either. I've never been out somewhere and someone walks up, calls me a lesbian and then buys me a coffee or a bag of pretzels. 

Yeah I mean I would be staring at whoever did that pretty hard, but if they are going to give me free stuff I guess I'd get over it.  Call me whatever you want, just give me that coffee I don't have to buy.  I've been called worse. 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Yeah I mean I would be staring at whoever did that pretty hard, but if they are going to give me free stuff I guess I'd get over it.  Call me whatever you want, just give me that coffee I don't have to buy.  I've been called worse. 

Something doesn't add up.  How are you "friendly" - what do you do specifically when you interact with strangers to be "friendly?"

[Big Stan]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Something doesn't add up.  How are you "friendly" - what do you do specifically when you interact with strangers to be "friendly?"

Yeah that's strange to me too.  There is clearly more to this story. 

[Earlystars1]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Me either. I've never been out somewhere and someone walks up, calls me a lesbian and then buys me a coffee or a bag of pretzels. 

And you say this happens to you all the time?

All the time.  Or in the reverse order.  So they'll give me something for free then call me gay as I'm leaving.

 

I have no idea why people in Georgia are malfunctioning, lol. 😆 

[Earlystars1]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Something doesn't add up.  How are you "friendly" - what do you do specifically when you interact with strangers to be "friendly?"

I just empathize with them sometimes.  So if like the customer who came in before me was mean to the person working there, I would tell the person who was working there that I can't stand when people are clearly entitled or ungrateful.  

Then I would also tell the person working there that people forget that there are human beings behind the cash register and trying to assist them in the store.

(That usually releases the discount sequence and also starts them off with trying to test me by calling me crazy or gay as I'm leaving).

We live in a strange world, lol.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, Earlystars1 said:

I just empathize with them sometimes.  So if like the customer who came in before me was mean to the person working there, I would tell the person who was working there that I can't stand when people are clearly entitled or ungrateful.  

Then I would also tell the person working there that people forget that there are human beings behind the cash register and trying to assist them in the store.

(That usually releases the discount sequence and also starts them off with trying to test me by calling me crazy or gay as I'm leaving).

We live in a strange world, lol.

I think you are being way too forward with a stranger in that example and oversharing/giving unsolicited advice.  And you could get that person in trouble or make things awkward for them with their boss.  For all you know that customer was his boss's best friend or spouse.  Most people would find that overbearing not friendly.  Show empathy to a stranger by possibly giving a small nod or a small subtle smile if they look upset.  Then go about your day. I am a very open approachable and friendly person but I mind my own business and would never cross that boundary with a stranger especially while they are at work.

[Earlystars1]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you are being way too forward with a stranger in that example and oversharing/giving unsolicited advice.  And you could get that person in trouble or make things awkward for them with their boss.  For all you know that customer was his boss's best friend or spouse.  Most people would find that overbearing not friendly.  Show empathy to a stranger by possibly giving a small nod or a small subtle smile if they look upset.  Then go about your day. I am a very open approachable and friendly person but I mind my own business and would never cross that boundary with a stranger especially while they are at work.

I wouldn't take it over the edge and that still wouldn't explain them giving me discounts or asking me out.

If someone's offended I would think they would overcharge you and not undercharge you.

There was also no advice given.  I said to be on the salesperson's side that "sometimes other people forget that there are people behind the cash registers and not machines." That's more empathizing than anything in my opinion.

Also, that's only one example.  That still doesn't explain people coming out of nowhere and bothering me 😅

Thanks for the insight though.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Earlystars1 said:

I just empathize with them sometimes.  So if like the customer who came in before me was mean to the person working there, I would tell the person who was working there that I can't stand when people are clearly entitled or ungrateful.  

Then I would also tell the person working there that people forget that there are human beings behind the cash register and trying to assist them in the store.

(That usually releases the discount sequence and also starts them off with trying to test me by calling me crazy or gay as I'm leaving).

We live in a strange world, lol.

In this case,  I've found that if the previous customer was rude to the clerk,  I change the script by being respectful and kind.  I don't insert my strong personal opinions because in this day and age,  you have to watch what you say.  Sad but true.

I say do what works best for you.  "If it ain't broke,  don't fix it."  😉

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Earlystars1 said:

If someone's offended I would think they would overcharge you and not undercharge you.

Are you talking about one particular place, person or incident?  Such as you think a cashier has a crush on you and you believe the other customers are your competition?

Do you work? Have friends, family, interests where you see people regularly, groups, clubs, sports,etc.? 

Do these things happen there or happen to anyone else you know? 

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Me either. I've never been out somewhere and someone walks up, calls me a lesbian and then buys me a coffee or a bag of pretzels. 

And you say this happens to you all the time?

Some people have all the luck.  Where are my pretzels.

[Batya33]

Advice -or unsolicited input is not being empathetic with a stranger -it's inserting yourself inappropriately in the examples you gave and like I said you have no idea who the customer is -could be her boss's best friend.