I (F17) don't know what to do about my online friend (M23)

[Anon444]

Hey, this is my first post and I don't really know how it works here but I thought I'd share a problem I've had for a couple of years. The entire story is jam-packed full of details and I don't even want to get into the entire thing but I'll share the most important bits.

So basically I met this guy (let's call him Z) when I was 15 (so in early 2021), and he was 20 on a Discord server. If you don't know what Discord is, it's like a messaging platform with different "servers" of people, where you can text and also call people. We became acquainted as we often interacted in the server and initially hated each other because of "drama" within the server, but then became friendly. We talked more and more and eventually became friends. However, the relationship took a quick turn and it became sexual for about 3 weeks, during which I (regretfully) sent pictures of myself and started talking with Z romantically. 2020-2021 was a very dark time in my life, and so was Z, especially with online school and the pandemic, and I think this is why I ended up doing such a thing with someone like him. Z ended this relationship and said it was a mistake and that we should just be friends, and I agreed. I knew it wasn't right the whole time, I don't know why I did it, and he knew too. I still feel guilty to this day because I feel like I encouraged it all to happen.

A few months later, I'm about 16 at this time, I confessed to his brother (18 at the time?) who also used Discord what had happened between me and Z earlier that year.  His brother confronted Z and told his whole family. Z went ghost and went offline, and we didn't speak for a couple of months until the next year early 2022, when he reached out to me randomly. I found this very strange, but responded back to him, who is 21 at this time. We started talking once again, exclusively as friends, with no weird interactions whatsoever. Z is a funny and nice guy, we have things very coincidentally in common with each other and talk like good friends. Everything is fine, and we casually talk, but eventually, I feel guilt eating away at me again about what had happened a year before and I decide to just go ghost on him out of nowhere around mid-2022. However, a few months later, I reach out to Z because I felt guilty for just leaving with no explanation. He forgave me for my sudden disappearance and now we've been talking ever since.

Now it is about mid 2023, I'm 17 about to turn 18 and Z's 22 about to turn 23. I have not had any romantic or sexual relations with Z since early 2021. I know the age gap is weird, I've been knowing, but I don't know what to do anymore. I have never told anyone of this situation in fear of what they would think of me. I was fine with talking to him for the last few months, but now guilt is eating away at me just like it was before. Is it weird if we continue to stay friends? I am turning 18 very soon after all, but is that still weird? Should I just cut it off? How should I do it if I do? Besides what happened in the past, he's always been a very good mentor and friend to me, so if I did cut ties with him I wouldn't know how to cope. Or, I don't know how I would react actually. I don't know. 

Thank you for reading, I'm sorry for the long post.

[Big Stan]

You know he technically had child porn and is a statutory rapist now right?  20 and 15 is real gross.  Stay away from this guy. 

[Anon444]

44 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

You know he technically had child porn and is a statutory rapist now right?  20 and 15 is real gross.  Stay away from this guy. 

 I want to so badly, I'm scared of what will happen when I do. He knows a lot about me. How should I slowly cut ties with him..? 

[Big Stan]

You can tell him to leave you alone, or you'll tell the police what he did.  If he's smart he will never contact you again.  You shouldn't slowly do anything go 100% no contact ASAP

[Anon444]

9 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

You can tell him to leave you alone, or you'll tell the police what he did.  If he's smart he will never contact you again.  You shouldn't slowly do anything go 100% no contact ASAP

I hope that's how it goes.. I just am scared that he might contact my family through their socials (which I know he has) and expose personal stuff about me in retaliation.

[lostandhurt]

You have never met in person and I know you think/feel like you have had a relationship with him but it was more of a fantasy type thing than real life.

 In reality you don't even know his age or who he is really, only what he wanted you to think.

 In this case you have the upper hand because you were and are underage and he received pictures of an underage child. That in itself is illegal. 

 Just disappearing on him may cause him to try and find you so if he is a friend and mentor just let him know you appreciate his friendship but you need to move away from online friendships and focus on in real life friendships so you cannot talk anymore. 

 As far as you could cope or how you would feel without his presence in your life that is where you need to build real life friendships with people you can share experiences with and interact with.  They can fill the void you are bound to feel.

 I have a feeling he used his maturity and your lack of maturity to groom you into this situation.

I know you don't think it is unsafe but to most of us it is very scary and you need to extricate yourself from this "friendship" and the need to talk to him. Is there someone in real life you can talk to about this that could help you?

 Lost

[Anon444]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

You have never met in person and I know you think/feel like you have had a relationship with him but it was more of a fantasy type thing than real life.

 In reality you don't even know his age or who he is really, only what he wanted you to think.

 In this case you have the upper hand because you were and are underage and he received pictures of an underage child. That in itself is illegal. 

 Just disappearing on him may cause him to try and find you so if he is a friend and mentor just let him know you appreciate his friendship but you need to move away from online friendships and focus on in real life friendships so you cannot talk anymore. 

 As far as you could cope or how you would feel without his presence in your life that is where you need to build real life friendships with people you can share experiences with and interact with.  They can fill the void you are bound to feel.

 I have a feeling he used his maturity and your lack of maturity to groom you into this situation.

I know you don't think it is unsafe but to most of us it is very scary and you need to extricate yourself from this "friendship" and the need to talk to him. Is there someone in real life you can talk to about this that could help you?

 Lost

First off, I just wanted to say thank you for your sincere reply. It makes me feel a little better about the situation, and I'm filled with anxiety as I type this.

I do know a lot of personal things about him. I've seen his license, his face, I know about his job, his family, I know his address-- everything to know. 

Moving on, I don't talk to him often, as I have been slowly distancing from him purposefully. I have been busy with friends and in person activities in my own life, like school, and I try to stay busy as an excuse not to talk with him when he texts sometimes. It would not necessarily be too hard to cope with that loss exactly, but I'm not sure how to recover from this whole situation. Any advice about opening up to a close friend about it? It would help, but I'm scared of how they would think of me, especially since this has been occurring up until very recently, and it's not just a thing of the past.

I think I will take your advice and take the "need to focus on life" approach. Thank you once again, I just needed some encouragement and some perspective to help me have more confidence about this..

[MissCanuck]

I will echo the others who told you to stay away from him. There is something wrong with a 20-year-old who goes after a 15-year-old. That speaks to much deeper issues which you were too young and inexperienced to see then. 

How much information have you given him about yourself? 

[Anon444]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I will echo the others who told you to stay away from him. There is something wrong with a 20-year-old who goes after a 15-year-old. That speaks to much deeper issues which you were too young and inexperienced to see then. 

How much information have you given him about yourself? 

He knows practically everything to know about me to be honest, and I know practically everything to know about him.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Anon444 said:

He knows practically everything to know about me to be honest, and I know practically everything to know about him.

Meaning what?

Does he have your address? Have you showed him personal identification the way he showed you his? Why does he have your family's social media? 

[Anon444]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Meaning what?

Does he have your address? Have you showed him personal identification the way he showed you his? Why does he have your family's social media? 

Yes, he has everything. He has shared incredible personal identification to me and I have shared it to him as well. Based on your question I'm sure you're concerned that he will try to find me, but we live a couple thousand miles away from each other, and he honestly couldn't afford to do all that. I don't think he will go to such a length. When I went ghost on him before no-contact, nothing happened and he didn't contact my family or anything of the sort. He has my family's social media because, well, it's very easy to find someone's family online. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Anon444 said:

Yes, he has everything. He has shared incredible personal identification to me and I have shared it to him as well. Based on your question I'm sure you're concerned that he will try to find me, but we live a couple thousand miles away from each other, and he honestly couldn't afford to do all that. I don't think he will go to such a length. When I went ghost on him before no-contact, nothing happened and he didn't contact my family or anything of the sort. He has my family's social media because, well, it's very easy to find someone's family online. 

Yikes. You're really not getting it, girl. 

He doesn't need to find you in person or contact your family to cause major problems for you, OP. The very fact that you don't recognize this is alarming.

You don't seem to have any clue what someone can do with the information you have provided him, but it goes far beyond what you are imagining. Have you ever heard of identity theft? Fraud in someone else's name? You have set yourself up for it here, and you won't even know it until it's too late. Did he ask for your ID? Why did you share it with him? 

Please, please tell your family this. You have put yourself and all of them all at risk in sharing your details with an internet stranger. 

 

[Anon444]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Yikes. You're really not getting it, girl. 

He doesn't need to find you in person or contact your family to cause major problems for you, OP. The very fact that you don't recognize this is alarming.

You don't seem to have any clue what someone can do with the information you have provided him, but it goes far beyond what you are imagining. Have you ever heard of identity theft? Fraud in someone else's name? You have set yourself up for it here, and you won't even know it until it's too late. Did he ask for your ID? Why did you share it with him? 

Please, please tell your family this. You have put yourself and all of them all at risk in sharing your details with an internet stranger. 

 

I have not shared my ID, or documents like that, I should clarify. It has been practically two and a half years of on and off talking, and every time I cut off talking with him, he did not do anything in retaliation... I am aware and anxious of issues, but he has never done anything malicious or been angry with me for stepping away ever, just accepted my disappearances. I think I will be okay if I cut off contact with him, as I think he will step away from it as well as he has done in the past. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Anon444 said:

 took a quick turn and it became sexual for about 3 weeks, during which I (regretfully) sent pictures of myself 

Please talk to trusted adults about this. You never met and he's a predator asking for nudes from a 15 year old.  He's not your friend or a lifeline. 

How are things at home? Ask your parents to take you to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. You can confide in any healthcare provider privately. Talk about these "dark times", feeling guilty, your isolation and getting lost in a dangerous cyber situation. 

Ask your parents to also take you to a qualified therapist. Again, you can talk privately and confidentiality to a healthcare provider about the situation and get advice on how to feel better and cut these people off. There's no shame and they'll understand. Do not talk to kids at school or friends about it.  You need serious good advice.

You need to get rid of these people and talk to trusted adults about whatever problems you're having. 

[Anon444]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask your parents to take you to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. You can confide in any healthcare provider privately. Talk about these "dark times", feeling guilty, your isolation and getting lost in a dangerous cyber situation. 

Ask your parents to also take you to a qualified therapist. Again, you can talk privately and confidentiality to a healthcare provider about the situation and get advice on how to feel better and cut these people off.

My mom is super duper supportive of me and everything regarding my mental health. I've seen 2 therapists in the past and my school even put me in the group therapy there, but I don't go to it because the sessions are during my classes, plus, I'd rather it be one-on-one. We've been trying to get therapy for a while now with someone else outside of the school. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Anon444 said:

My mom is super duper supportive of me and everything regarding my mental health. I've seen 2 therapists in the past and my school even put me in the group therapy there.

If you can talk to your mother  ask her to take you to the therapist again. There you can privately and honestly discuss whatever is going on and what to do about it.  Please don't look around online for help from random strangers. You need adults in person to talk to.

[MissCanuck]

So what exactly do you mean by “incredible personal identification”?

[Batya33]

Duplicate, sorry!

[Batya33]

Who else has access to this person's computer/phone/devices? My guess is you do not know.  

[lostandhurt]

14 hours ago, Anon444 said:

First off, I just wanted to say thank you for your sincere reply. It makes me feel a little better about the situation, and I'm filled with anxiety as I type this.

I do know a lot of personal things about him. I've seen his license, his face, I know about his job, his family, I know his address-- everything to know. 

Moving on, I don't talk to him often, as I have been slowly distancing from him purposefully. I have been busy with friends and in person activities in my own life, like school, and I try to stay busy as an excuse not to talk with him when he texts sometimes. It would not necessarily be too hard to cope with that loss exactly, but I'm not sure how to recover from this whole situation. Any advice about opening up to a close friend about it? It would help, but I'm scared of how they would think of me, especially since this has been occurring up until very recently, and it's not just a thing of the past.

I think I will take your advice and take the "need to focus on life" approach. Thank you once again, I just needed some encouragement and some perspective to help me have more confidence about this..

  You are on the right track so keep going.  If you tell him straight out that you do need to focus on your real life and it would be best that you not speak anymore (which is true) then you simply do not reply to his messages.  Blocking him is a good idea so you are not tempted to reply or reach out for what ever reason.  Send him the message today and keep it short and to the point.  You do not owe him any explanation other than you need to focus on your real life.  If he tries to engage you in a conversation just be stern and let him know this is the way it has to be and then stop talking to him.  Then block him on all platforms.

 As far as talking to someone that is up to you.  A very close good friend or possibly a counselor at school?  Possibly a hotline for teens.  I am sorry I really don't have many ideas on that.

You are doing the right thing by cutting him off and getting your life going.  Don't be ashamed that you made some mistakes and were taken advantage of by an adult.  You correcting the mistakes and have learned from all this.  Please be way more careful in the future.

 Lost

[Anon444]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

  You are on the right track so keep going.  If you tell him straight out that you do need to focus on your real life and it would be best that you not speak anymore (which is true) then you simply do not reply to his messages.  Blocking him is a good idea so you are not tempted to reply or reach out for what ever reason.  Send him the message today and keep it short and to the point.  You do not owe him any explanation other than you need to focus on your real life.  If he tries to engage you in a conversation just be stern and let him know this is the way it has to be and then stop talking to him.  Then block him on all platforms.

 As far as talking to someone that is up to you.  A very close good friend or possibly a counselor at school?  Possibly a hotline for teens.  I am sorry I really don't have many ideas on that.

You are doing the right thing by cutting him off and getting your life going.  Don't be ashamed that you made some mistakes and were taken advantage of by an adult.  You correcting the mistakes and have learned from all this.  Please be way more careful in the future.

 Lost

Thank you for your positive words and advice. It is going to be difficult for me to not feel guilty or ashamed over this whole situation and is probably going to require some major therapy hahah. Tomorrow I'll send the text and this will all be over. From now on I'm going to try to be very secretive online, if I ever decide to talk to people on there again. With college coming up, I'll be even more focused on school and in person stuff as I am now. Thank you again.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Anon444 said:

Thank you for your positive words and advice. It is going to be difficult for me to not feel guilty or ashamed over this whole situation and is probably going to require some major therapy hahah. Tomorrow I'll send the text and this will all be over. From now on I'm going to try to be very secretive online, if I ever decide to talk to people on there again. With college coming up, I'll be even more focused on school and in person stuff as I am now. Thank you again.

Sounds good.  I've been interacting with people including strangers online for many years since probably 2000- you don't have to stop all interaction to be safe.  I've had a few experiences of being harassed online via dating sites but nothing at all like you described.  Online interactions with friends and online penpals can be done safely and from all I know it's a pretty normal part of social interaction in your age range.

I wouldn't go there with therapy and "ha ha" -either take it seriously or don't bother.