My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

But am I stupid for thinking that we will mature and grow? 23-24 is so young, I learnt so much by his side, and I am already wiser than I was a year ago. I saw him grow in these years, I saw myself too, and I hope for more 

I really can't stand the phrasing of the question.  I am turning 57 and I am still growing.  All the time.  But to me values are different.  Your boyfriend's values in his 20s justify watching porn regularly.  He feels that this is ok to do. He certainly could change his values but that's not necessarily age based at all.  Or maturity based.

What is important is this - certainly couples grow together -my husband and I did -we had to grow into being newlyweds and new parents and I had to grow into becoming a full time mom and wife!  But growth doesn't mean basic values change nor should it actually.  Growth and maturity mean things like - being willing to be patient and work on long term goals instead of instant gratification.  It means giving more to others instead of typical adolescent self-absorption.  It can mean in a couple growing in how you show love to each other and how you show caring.  A growth in communication. 

Broadening your sense of the world with more life experiences -travel, arts, culture, books, watching your parents age.  But if someone has made choices that go against your values never ever assume those will change ever.  If someone has a bad habit of overeating, or smoking, or has a habit of watching porn regularly - do not stay with that person expecting that "growth" will change him.  He has to change him. He has to want to change him -for himself.  Not for you.  You can be his cheerleader, he can be somewhat motivated by that but at bottom it has to be him.

At age 24 on April Fools Day I decided -enough being scared of taking the entrance exam for grad school.  Look -so many of my friends have now done so and are in grad school and surviving.  That MOnday I signed up for a prep course. 

Two months later took the exam, 14 months later entered grad school.  I didn't do it because of maturity or growth.  I did it because as a person I always had a really strong work ethic and I was always really ambitious so I was able to choose that over fear.  I didn't get through grad school because of maturity -it was pure drive on my part. I'm still driven that way and have had my career for about 21 years now.

And my parents always wanted me to go -they dreamed of it.  But they didn't pressure me and  they didn't assume I'd go because I would have "matured".  They knew they loved me and gave me space to determine on my own whether I'd choose fear/insecurity over pursuing my dream career.

Your boyfriend needs to be driven to stop watching porn regularly. On his own.  Or you need to peacefully and honestly accept that this is who he is.

You are not stupid.  I do think you are rationalizing this issue and lying to yourself and trying to convince yourself to settle.  

[Batya33]

Also I would feel differently if your boyfriend said "I plan to stop watching porn because for me it was an immature thing to do - I am growing and learning and learning that it's not healthful for me to watch it as much as I do."  But he hasn't.

Here are some changes I made in the last 15 years -in my 40s/50s:

Got out of my comfort zone much much more for the good of our son and my husband but because I wanted to.

Stopped drinking diet soda all together - maybe had 3 sodas in last 5 years.

Learned better coping skills and rituals to reduce stress and practice certain of them daily -I prioritized that.

Learned how to drive and got a license - don't use it but it's a step.

Became the right person to find the right person.

Learned how to be more handy and more tech savvy.

Stopped oversharing/being too chatty (that process I started in 1997).

Started reading even more than I had been to avoid screen time (last 3 years)

All these changes were motivated by me.  All these changes relate to my core values and those values have been in place likely for about 40 plus years.

[hannarivers]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

  I do think you are rationalizing this issue and lying to yourself and trying to convince yourself to settle.  

I am a picky person, but a very accepging one. Which means that I do see your bad sides, and they do irritate me, but I dont care, because I know I am not perfect either and I love you as you are. So, to be honest with myself, I would be always settleing, no matter who that person is. And the reason being is, I dont want to date myself. It makes life more exciting to be with someone who is not completely the same. For example, I love to travel abroad and my boyfriend doesnt. We agreed to go abroad every 2-3 years, and go around our country each year. I never liked vacation in our home country, because I love the sea and we dont have any, but this challenged me to try new things. So in other words, I settle, but it is fine. He has values that makes me love him for his soul. Family is my biggest dream and I know he would take care of me and his child. I trust him in that 

[Batya33]

22 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I am a picky person, but a very accepging one. Which means that I do see your bad sides, and they do irritate me, but I dont care, because I know I am not perfect either and I love you as you are. So, to be honest with myself, I would be always settleing, no matter who that person is. And the reason being is, I dont want to date myself. It makes life more exciting to be with someone who is not completely the same. For example, I love to travel abroad and my boyfriend doesnt. We agreed to go abroad every 2-3 years, and go around our country each year. I never liked vacation in our home country, because I love the sea and we dont have any, but this challenged me to try new things. So in other words, I settle, but it is fine. He has values that makes me love him for his soul. Family is my biggest dream and I know he would take care of me and his child. I trust him in that 

I am a picky and accepting person.  I never settled for incompatible values for a long term romantic partner.  Everyone compromises -what you are referring to is compromising.  I am likely not to take a cruise and my husband would like to, my husband likes science fiction and baseball and I'm a little more into them but not really. My husband's career requires me to be flexible to relocate and I hate moving.  My husband is not good at cleaning/cleaning up after himself.  I am not a neat freak but I am unhappy with his level of clutter.  I can live with that.  That is a compromise.

But settling for incompatible values, goals, standards is a recipe for disaster especially if you plan to bring a child into the mix.  And for sure if he continues to watch porn regularly discuss in advance how that would work once your child is old enough to walk around and see a screen. Also is it ok if he teaches his child his values about porn, women's bodies, etc?

My husband and I are on the same wavelength give or take about what is age-appropriate and how to teach our child about his body, consent, sex, how to treat people, how to treat women.  What about you?

I dated many men who had certain values I loved.  But if there were values that were incompatible with mine -for example in the areas of education, religion, philanthropy, parenting - those were dealbreakers. 

And I too am a picky and accepting person. Interestingly I've said almost all of this many times before and I think you tend to exxagerrate/bring up irrelevant topics that don't have to do with whether it's ok to be in a long term romantic relationship -and now you say you want to have a child with him - with someone with incompatible values and who very recently acted out his values and standards by regularly watching porn.

[smackie9]

I agree you are comparing apples to oranges. What he does are dealbreakers because of your core values. That is something you can't make a compromise on and shouldn't. I believe I said last time, that the majority wouldn't approve of this behaviour anyways, and this is a toxic situation. He's the problem, not you.

[boltnrun]

I have no issue whatsoever with my partner watching porn, watching a specific porn actress or masturbating to porn by himself.  I've been with partners where we watched it together and separately.   My ex husband and I watched it both together and separately (no, our child was never exposed to any of our porn materials.  We knew how to keep our "collection" where he couldn't access it).

But that is MY opinion on it.  Yours is apparently different.  And what's more of an issue is you and your boyfriend have different opinions on what is acceptable and THAT is the incompatibility.

The solution isn't to interrogate him or police his porn use or for him to conceal or lie to you.  Or for you to "try" to be OK with his porn use. The solution is to be with someone who shares your opinion on porn.

You say everything else about the relationship is great, but the porn issue is obviously very concerning to you with regard to this specific porn actress.  Sometimes it takes only one disagreement on a core value to render someone incompatible.

[Batya33]

OP you're twisting yourself into a pretzel reminds me when I was desperate to settle down with my then serious boyfriend.  I had deep seated doubts about whether we were right for each other -not because our values didn't align but because I had core-shaking panicky doubts from time to time -internal - triggered by a feeling that we didn't click enough, that I wasn't into him enough - couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is what was the same. I ran all over the place -to friends family even to strangers on a forum a lot like this one - trying to convince myself and others of all the things you write here -I'm a person who overthinks, I'm a person who overanalyzes, I'm a person who might be settling "but I love him."  I don't have these core shaking panicky doubts all the time and when I don't it's awesome we're awesome our sex life is good too!

We were back and forth because of this -he wanted to marry me.  He wanted to propose and I wouldn't let him because I wasn't quite sure -depending on the day -what my answer would be.  I was unfair to him -I didn't lie to him but I should have set him free long before I did, long before it was last straw time.

But yes seeking external validation -please please tell me I should marry this wonderful man I love  -everyone has doubts, right? No one is perfect...... right? How did you know it was the right decision?? What are the signs??? Please please please I do not want to lose this man.

When I met the right person -sure sometimes I had jitters, fears, doubts.  Never core shaking, easily resolvable our core foundation -strong.  I never needed external validation that he was my person.  I felt at home with him -secure and excited.  In fact certain people questioned my decision to relocate for his career, others who didn't yet know he and I were an item would mention men they'd met they wanted to set me up with - these awesome men according to them.  None of it swayed me, none of it was relevant, none of it mattered. I knew my own heart, I knew my own head.  When I felt fearful I knew how to recenter myself. 

When I felt fearful because of something he said or didn't say -either I asked him or I realized on my own it was all ok.  I didn't rationalize, twist myself in a pretzel, lie to myself, or rely on cliches, generalizations - I didn't have to convince myself. Ms. Overthinking/Overanalyzer on the wedding day -was in the kitchen with my sister for the last several minutes waiting for my groom to be ready in his parents' living room and you know what we did -we giggled like kids, we talked about lighthearted silly stuff, and when she stood next to me as my matron of honor and watched us marry she saw me smile, glow, beam and she did the same. 

I'm so thrilled I didn't settle and no I didn't marry the Perfect Man -I married the man who was perfect for me who made me feel at home in all the ways that matter plus who I was in love with and excited to be with.  We got married almost 15 years ago.  

[sff123]

On 5/13/2023 at 2:34 AM, hannarivers said:

So, long story short(er). I told him 3 years ago to stop watching porn when we get together, because it is not okay with me if a man does it. I know, how is it okay if I do and not if he does. My explanation is, my problem is not porn, it is women. I never watch porn with the camera focusing on the man, I never choose by "oh I like his abs, his d". I watch weird situations. But men watch women with their full body, face, etc. They like the woman they see, and I can barely see a penis in the video. Moving on. He lied throughout those 3 years by saying he did not watch any. Yet, I found one. I broke up immediately, because I was deeply hurt by the lies. He came talking to me, first with a few lies so that I wont really leave him. Later admitted to watching it all along. To be honest, I got over the lying, Im not perfect either. I even got over just a bit on the fact that he was looking at other women even though we had great sex life and I am a fine looking girl. But I got a bit psycho a few days ago and I looked thru his porn preferences before our relationship. I found a pornstar who he found, looked at her pics, her insta, then hub. The same next day. Same a month later. I get it, he was single, tbh he was single before me all his life. But I did ask him if he watched this girl also in the last years. And he said yes. The fact is, the girl has the exact same body I had when I met my bf, I just gained like 5 kilogramms since. She has a nice face too and she is my age. So I got deeply hurt because I am sure he truly desired this girl since I am his type, therefore she is his type too. Idk how should I feel, should I break up with him now because I found out he looked at the same girl many times. Oh, and since we broke up a few months ago, when I found out, he changed, he didnt watch any porn, but now I am the mean one for getting him mad each day by thousands of questions. I love this man, he is amazing, caring and loving, but this perversion.. Idk how to move on. I am a 24 old and he is 25

Not sure if this changes anything but ive noticed that being in a long term relationship can change what my "type" is, so it may not necessarily be that she and you are his type, but being in a relationship with you might have made people like you his type. Often times I'm more interested in girls of a similar type to the girl I'm currently dating. it's not a 100% rule because sometimes people want what they don't have too, but ive definitely noticed I'm more likely to be attracted to someone similar to my SO while or even soon after we're in a relationship 

[hannarivers]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

OP you're twisting yourself into a pretzel reminds me when I was desperate to settle down with my then serious boyfriend.  I had deep seated doubts about whether we were right for each other -not because our values didn't align but because I had core-shaking panicky doubts from time to time -internal - triggered by a feeling that we didn't click enough, that I wasn't into him enough - couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is what was the same. I ran all over the place -to friends family even to strangers on a forum a lot like this one - trying to convince myself and others of all the things you write here -I'm a person who overthinks, I'm a person who overanalyzes, I'm a person who might be settling "but I love him."  I don't have these core shaking panicky doubts all the time and when I don't it's awesome we're awesome our sex life is good too!

We were back and forth because of this -he wanted to marry me.  He wanted to propose and I wouldn't let him because I wasn't quite sure -depending on the day -what my answer would be.  I was unfair to him -I didn't lie to him but I should have set him free long before I did, long before it was last straw time.

But yes seeking external validation -please please tell me I should marry this wonderful man I love  -everyone has doubts, right? No one is perfect...... right? How did you know it was the right decision?? What are the signs??? Please please please I do not want to lose this man.

When I met the right person -sure sometimes I had jitters, fears, doubts.  Never core shaking, easily resolvable our core foundation -strong.  I never needed external validation that he was my person.  I felt at home with him -secure and excited.  In fact certain people questioned my decision to relocate for his career, others who didn't yet know he and I were an item would mention men they'd met they wanted to set me up with - these awesome men according to them.  None of it swayed me, none of it was relevant, none of it mattered. I knew my own heart, I knew my own head.  When I felt fearful I knew how to recenter myself. 

When I felt fearful because of something he said or didn't say -either I asked him or I realized on my own it was all ok.  I didn't rationalize, twist myself in a pretzel, lie to myself, or rely on cliches, generalizations - I didn't have to convince myself. Ms. Overthinking/Overanalyzer on the wedding day -was in the kitchen with my sister for the last several minutes waiting for my groom to be ready in his parents' living room and you know what we did -we giggled like kids, we talked about lighthearted silly stuff, and when she stood next to me as my matron of honor and watched us marry she saw me smile, glow, beam and she did the same. 

I'm so thrilled I didn't settle and no I didn't marry the Perfect Man -I married the man who was perfect for me who made me feel at home in all the ways that matter plus who I was in love with and excited to be with.  We got married almost 15 years ago.  

Seems like life turned out great for you, Im happy for that. My only chance with him is giving time, and see if he keeps up this change. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Seems like life turned out great for you, Im happy for that. My only chance with him is giving time, and see if he keeps up this change. 

Well know it's not "great" every day and yes I feel good about my choices and what I did to take the long way around to marriage and family.

  That wasn't my point in sharing my story and approach.

  So what I would do is decide how much time -for example I wish I'd had the opportunity to start trying to conceive a child before age 40 -I was almost 41 when we started - very lucky I was able to conceive which happened 15 months later.  I partly didn't meet the right person before that, partly got in my own way of meeting the right person. 

If he is not motivated on his own to change and if you feel you need to monitor his devices or ask him question then he will not keep up this change and you will not have changed your feelings -you will still be living in stress and fear and discomfort.  Decide how much time you are wiling to give this person to see if he continues not to be a regular porn viewer because that is how he wants to live his life for himself.  Every day you stay with him you are giving up opportunities to meet someone who aligns more with your values and to start down the path of your goals of marriage and family.  

[Big Stan]

Honesty I think Op is a hypocrite that she watches porn yet harasses her bf for the same thing. Stop with the double standard that’s wrong and borderline abusive. 

[Big Stan]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Well know it's not "great" every day and yes I feel good about my choices and what I did to take the long way around to marriage and family.

  That wasn't my point in sharing my story and approach.

  So what I would do is decide how much time -for example I wish I'd had the opportunity to start trying to conceive a child before age 40 -I was almost 41 when we started - very lucky I was able to conceive which happened 15 months later.  I partly didn't meet the right person before that, partly got in my own way of meeting the right person. 

If he is not motivated on his own to change and if you feel you need to monitor his devices or ask him question then he will not keep up this change and you will not have changed your feelings -you will still be living in stress and fear and discomfort.  Decide how much time you are wiling to give this person to see if he continues not to be a regular porn viewer because that is how he wants to live his life for himself.  Every day you stay with him you are giving up opportunities to meet someone who aligns more with your values and to start down the path of your goals of marriage and family.  

This is great advice except OP watches porn herself. So it’s not about her morals or her boundaries it’s about her controlling and problematic behavior. That’s like calling someone an alcoholic while shotgunning a beer and drinking to excess. 
 

Rules for thee but not for me is total hogwash. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

This is great advice except OP watches porn herself. So it’s not about her morals or her boundaries it’s about her controlling and problematic behavior. That’s like calling someone an alcoholic while shotgunning a beer and drinking to excess. 
 

Rules for thee but not for me is total hogwash. 

I think it's about values - which might include morals.  I'm not sure what I read here about her porn watching.  Good point!

[Big Stan]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's about values - which might include morals.  I'm not sure what I read here about her porn watching.  Good point!

Sure it might be value based for you. From what I’ve read from you so far you’re a pretty reasonable and fair person. It seems like you try your best to  avoid entitled and double standard type behavior. 
 

I think the OP isn’t coming from the same baseline. She admitted to watching porn herself, gave some really poor justification for why it’s okay for her and not for him as well in her opening post. For her it’s not that she views porn as morally wrong for all, it’s her wanting to completely control the sexual expression of her partner while not expecting to return the same level of fidelity to him. 
 

It’s the same as the misogynistic guy who says that he can cavort with loose women while his wife stays home because “it’s different for guys and women can’t handle it” like he can. I think we can safely say that man is operating from a place of misogyny and this woman is operating from a place of misandry the exact same way. 
 

For her this man cannot control his porn watching so he’s developing attachments to these women because men aren’t as good of people as women are in her view. So she can handle the bad thing because she’s superior. Broken down that’s a really rotten attitude and my advice is for her BF to run. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Sure it might be value based for you. From what I’ve read from you so far you’re a pretty reasonable and fair person. It seems like you try your best to  avoid entitled and double standard type behavior. 

I suggested to her not to compromise on her values and standards whatever those are.  So far she says he's agreed to stop watching porn.  

[Big Stan]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I suggested to her not to compromise on her values and standards whatever those are.  So far she says he's agreed to stop watching porn.  

But double standards are toxic. She is being unfair and she shouldn’t be enforcing standards on others that she doesn’t on herself. He should not stop watching porn if she also doesn’t. 
 

She really has no right to be enforcing standards on others that she herself won’t follow  

 

[hannarivers]

56 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

But double standards are toxic. 

 

On 5/20/2023 at 7:32 PM, Batya33 said:

OP you're twisting yourself into a pretzel reminds me when I was desperate to settle down with my then serious boyfriend.  I had deep seated doubts about whether we were right for each other -not because our values didn't align but because I had core-shaking panicky doubts from time to time -internal - triggered by a feeling that we didn't click enough, that I wasn't into him enough - couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is what was the same. I ran all over the place -to friends family even to strangers on a forum a lot like this one - trying to convince myself and others of all the things you write here -I'm a person who overthinks, I'm a person who overanalyzes, I'm a person who might be settling "but I love him."  I don't have these core shaking panicky doubts all the time and when I don't it's awesome we're awesome our sex life is good too!

We were back and forth because of this -he wanted to marry me.  He wanted to propose and I wouldn't let him because I wasn't quite sure -depending on the day -what my answer would be.  I was unfair to him -I didn't lie to him but I should have set him free long before I did, long before it was last straw time.

But yes seeking external validation -please please tell me I should marry this wonderful man I love  -everyone has doubts, right? No one is perfect...... right? How did you know it was the right decision?? What are the signs??? Please please please I do not want to lose this man.

When I met the right person -sure sometimes I had jitters, fears, doubts.  Never core shaking, easily resolvable our core foundation -strong.  I never needed external validation that he was my person.  I felt at home with him -secure and excited.  In fact certain people questioned my decision to relocate for his career, others who didn't yet know he and I were an item would mention men they'd met they wanted to set me up with - these awesome men according to them.  None of it swayed me, none of it was relevant, none of it mattered. I knew my own heart, I knew my own head.  When I felt fearful I knew how to recenter myself. 

When I felt fearful because of something he said or didn't say -either I asked him or I 

I said that I also watched porn, and not that I am still having this habit. 

Btw, double standards are sometimes completely reasonable. My boyfriend literally craves me since he stopped. Every single thing makes him get in the mood. He approaches me more often. When I watched porn in a relationship, nothing changed, I didn't desire sex less, nor was I distant. And he only used porn once a week, yet he is a changed man. A huge percent in this change is thanks to me trying to impress him by adding new tricks, but still there is a big part from the pornless life. 

I chose to give 9 months. If I can get better mentally and not worse, and if he shows this side of him in this timeframe, we can continue. Also, if I could find an alternative porn type, which doesnt completely ruins a person's perception of sex, I would not care if he masturbated on those

[boltnrun]

So everything will be fine as long as he adheres to your rules on when he can watch porn, how often and what kind?

Remember what happened last time you tried to dictate rules to him?  He lied and concealed, didn't he?

I'm not blaming him for that.  It's simply incompatibility.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

chose to give 9 months. If I can get better mentally and not worse, and if he shows this side of him in this timeframe, we can continue. Also, if I could find an alternative porn type, which doesnt completely ruins a person's perception of sex, I would not care if he masturbated on those

Edited to add -I wrote this, the read what Bolt right.  Of course I totally agree.  Well put.

But you don't get to choose the type - right? He would have to find a type that he enjoys viewing but you don't get to decide if it "completely ruins a perception of sex" -whatever that means -that's your opinion and it's not your role to control what he can and cannot watch.  I control what my son watches on his computer.  Cause he's 14 and I'm his mama -get the difference? Can you imagine a life where he has to promise you he will only view the porn you say is ok but --- if you then decide it's "ruining his perception of sex" then -bye bye porn.  You really want to live that way? And that's assuming your theory is correct -seems pretty bizarre to me and impractical to implement in an adult romantic long term relationship.  If not impossible.

[Big Stan]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I said that I also watched porn, and not that I am still having this habit. 

Btw, double standards are sometimes completely reasonable. My boyfriend literally craves me since he stopped. Every single thing makes him get in the mood. He approaches me more often. When I watched porn in a relationship, nothing changed, I didn't desire sex less, nor was I distant. And he only used porn once a week, yet he is a changed man. A huge percent in this change is thanks to me trying to impress him by adding new tricks, but still there is a big part from the pornless life. 

I chose to give 9 months. If I can get better mentally and not worse, and if he shows this side of him in this timeframe, we can continue. Also, if I could find an alternative porn type, which doesnt completely ruins a person's perception of sex, I would not care if he masturbated on those

Double standards are never reasonable. Practice what you preach or stop preaching. 

[Batya33]

OP consider your stance -turned on you.  What if you had a favorite restaurant or ice cream place and every time you went you over indulged -try as you might - you ate a bit too much or more than a bit too much. 

And after...... food coma/sleepy -and really content with your favorite meal/dessert.  So your BF says -look every time you eat that chocolate peanut butter pie/shrimp tacos/eggplant parm/pho -you just wanna go to sleep and not have sex.  It just like obliterates your sex drive.  So from now on I'm ok with you going there if I'm not in the mood to have sex or if I'm away but otherwise -nope -that food completely changes  your perception of and desire for sex and after we go out to a special dinner I want you to be ready for sexy time.   

Sure once or twice you might be ok with it - if he was planning to be out of town or if he told you in advance "y'know -sure -let's go to Jane's Crab Shack and eat ourselves silly because I'm not in the mood tonight" - but wouldn't you feel wayyy too controlled? What if one of your female friends offered to treat you to that favorite gelato and you said "oh wait I can't - AngelFace is coming home tonight and we always have sex Thursday nights and I want to be ready to perform...." Or you lie to her and tell her you're not in the mood but .... you are.

[hannarivers]

3 hours ago, Big Stan said:

But double standards are toxic. 

 

On 5/20/2023 at 7:32 PM, Batya33 said:

OP you're twisting yourself into a pretzel reminds me when I was desperate to settle down with my then serious boyfriend.  I had deep seated doubts about whether we were right for each other -not because our values didn't align but because I had core-shaking panicky doubts from time to time -internal - triggered by a feeling that we didn't click enough, that I wasn't into him enough - couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is what was the same. I ran all over the place -to friends family even to strangers on a forum a lot like this one - trying to convince myself and others of all the things you write here -I'm a person who overthinks, I'm a person who overanalyzes, I'm a person who might be settling "but I love him."  I don't have these core shaking panicky doubts all the time and when I don't it's awesome we're awesome our sex life is good too!

We were back and forth because of this -he wanted to marry me.  He wanted to propose and I wouldn't let him because I wasn't quite sure -depending on the day -what my answer would be.  I was unfair to him -I didn't lie to him but I should have set him free long before I did, long before it was last straw time.

But yes seeking external validation -please please tell me I should marry this wonderful man I love  -everyone has doubts, right? No one is perfect...... right? How did you know it was the right decision?? What are the signs??? Please please please I do not want to lose this man.

When I met the right person -sure sometimes I had jitters, fears, doubts.  Never core shaking, easily resolvable our core foundation -strong.  I never needed external validation that he was my person.  I felt at home with him -secure and excited.  In fact certain people questioned my decision to relocate for his career, others who didn't yet know he and I were an item would mention men they'd met they wanted to set me up with - these awesome men according to them.  None of it swayed me, none of it was relevant, none of it mattered. I knew my own heart, I knew my own head.  When I felt fearful I knew how to recenter myself. 

When I felt fearful because of something he said or didn't say -either I asked him or 

I did imagine. And he said himself that if it ruins sex as much as I said, he doesnt wanna jerk off as often. Once I even asked him, that if I would be ok with porn, how often would he choose it, considering that he agreed with me, and he said twice a month. That is not really many. My thing now will be showing him the bad sides, letting him change his value, and if he is willing, we can move on with life. Maybe I will change mine too and we meet halfway. Also, "choosing what he watches". If he says that "healthy porn" (for example, wihout faces, two people doing normal sex and not actrobatic theatral stuff) will be just fine for him, then he agreed and not I commanded

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I did imagine. And he said himself that if it ruins sex as much as I said, he doesnt wanna jerk off as often. Once I even asked him, that if I would be ok with porn, how often would he choose it, considering that he agreed with me, and he said twice a month. That is not really many. My thing now will be showing him the bad sides, letting him change his value, and if he is willing, we can move on with life. Maybe I will change mine too and we meet halfway. Also, "choosing what he watches". If he says that "healthy porn" (for example, wihout faces, two people doing normal sex and not actrobatic theatral stuff) will be just fine for him, then he agreed and not I commanded

Ok I see so your role going forward is to guide him as to which porn is acceptable twice a month. You’re tasking yourself with “showing him the bad sides “ - apparently he cannot do that on his own? Where is your expertise from in these matters and as his girlfriend how is it that you can do this and be objective since in your opinion if he masturbates too much or watches what you consider bad porn that affects you personally. 
Is he good with you being his teacher and mentor in these matters ?  He agrees with your assessment of what bad porn is? Does he get to choose which two times a month ? How many hours ?  Will you be checking that he complies or do you trust him to limit it to two times a month and the approved porn as per what you tell him he can watch ?

Does he get like a reward if he behaves like a good boy and performs sexually - then can he do three times that month ? Or like for a birthday present ???

do you really think he’ll be enamored of this dynamic between the two of you? Do you want to be with someone who would agree to this arrangement?  Sounds pretty darn patronizing and emasculating to me. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Remember what happened last time you tried to dictate rules to him?  He lied and concealed, didn't he?

I'm not blaming him for that.  It's simply incompatibility.

 

[hannarivers]

4 hours ago, Big Stan said:

But double standards are toxic. 

 

On 5/20/2023 at 7:32 PM, Batya33 said:

OP you're twisting yourself into a pretzel reminds me when I was desperate to settle down with my then serious boyfriend.  I had deep seated doubts about whether we were right for each other -not because our values didn't align but because I had core-shaking panicky doubts from time to time -internal - triggered by a feeling that we didn't click enough, that I wasn't into him enough - couldn't put my finger on it.

Here is what was the same. I ran all over the place -to friends family even to strangers on a forum a lot like this one - trying to convince myself and others of all the things you write here -I'm a person who overthinks, I'm a person who overanalyzes, I'm a person who might be settling "but I love him."  I don't have these core shaking panicky doubts all the time and when I don't it's awesome we're awesome our sex life is good too!

We were back and forth because of this -he wanted to marry me.  He wanted to propose and I wouldn't let him because I wasn't quite sure -depending on the day -what my answer would be.  I was unfair to him -I didn't lie to him but I should have set him free long before I did, long before it was last straw time.

But yes seeking external validation -please please tell me I should marry this wonderful man I love  -everyone has doubts, right? No one is perfect...... right? How did you know it was the right decision?? What are the signs??? Please please please I do not want to lose this man.

When I met the right person -sure sometimes I had jitters, fears, doubts.  Never core shaking, easily resolvable our core foundation -strong.  I never needed external validation that he was my person.  I felt at home with him -secure and excited.  In fact certain people questioned my decision to relocate for his career, others who didn't yet know he and I were an item would mention men they'd met they wanted to set me up with - these awesome men according to them.  None of it swayed me, none of it was relevant, none of it mattered. I knew my own heart, I knew my own head.  When I felt fearful I knew how to recenter myself. 

When I felt fearful because of something he said or didn't say -either I asked him or 

I did imagine. And he said himself that if it ruins sex as much as I said, he doesnt wanna jerk off as often. Once I even asked him, that if I would be ok with porn, how often would he choose it, considering that he agreed with me, and he said twice a month. That is not really many. My thing now will be showing him the bad sides, letting him change his value, and if he is willing, we can move on with life. Maybe I will change mine too and we meet halfway. Also, "choosing what he watches". If he says that "healthy porn" (for example, wihout faces, two people doing normal sex and not actrobatic theatral stuff) will be just fine for him, then he agreed and not I commanded

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I literally said that these were his choices. I cant say it any other way.