Please help me calm down.

[Chaeryoung]

I (26F) have been quite unsuccessful in my romantic life. I had two serious relationships, one situationship and some failed attempts in my dating experience. 

I think what stresses me out the most is that in a couple of days I will become officially unemployed. I don't want to insist on external circumstances, but I also want to mention that together with my resign, I left the city I used to live in and moved back to my hometown for a couple of time. 

Until I find a new job and hopefully move back to the city I used to live in (which is way bigger than my current one), my dating life will understandably suffer. My hometown is tiny, way less people, and the social life is quite dead. 

Hopefully, by next year I will be in a better place, I don't know, but then, I have this feeling of doom that I will be 27 yo and alone. Since I was 25, an aging anxiety kicked in and followed me up to the present. I am too self-aware, actually obsessed by the idea that my body is gradually aging and is hard for me to be at peace with a natural process everybody goes through. 

Although I would say I am an attractive woman, I have this debilitating fear that men won't be attracted to me anymore as years go by. 

I also have moments when I am trying to soothe myself and try to accept the fact that maybe I won't meet someone again, someone with whom I can built something meaningful, but it is hard and depressing. 

I also have to sort other things out, such as learning new skills for higher paying jobs. Yeah. I guess I feel overwhelmed. 

Thank your for reading. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated and defeated. You have a lot of challenges right now! I was in better health/more fit/looked better in my late 30s/40s than my 20s.  And I had my one and only pregnancy and baby at 42.  The year I got married.  I am 56 and I am aging -I have wrinkles, I have graying hair (which started at age 28), definitely get stiffer if I sit too long. I also work out (cardio mostly) every single day and have worked out regularly since 1982 and daily (instead of 4-5 times/week) for the last 11 years or so.  I am fit looking and slim.  

When I reconnected with my husband I was turning 39 and he was 38. Much older than you.  My age/aging/not looking 19 anymore -irrelevant.  Completely.  I never would have dated a man who was uber-focused on having a woman who looked 19. (I did always look much younger than I was though).  

People age differently -emotionally, physically, mentally -depends on the individual, how they take care of themselves, activity levels, how they keep their brains engaged, etc. It's not one size fits all at all. I dated men in their 20s who acted like crochety old men and older men who were mature and also fun loving, fun, great sense of energy and adventurous. 

My husband and I have traveled together to multiple foreign countries and US states, had adventures - ranging from hiking to meeting famous people, relocating, becoming parents right after marriage, etc etc.  We're active, alive, try to be positive and love our teenage son to the moon and back.  Does that sound "aging?" 

I think your focus is because you're generally down on yourself right now and physical aging is an easy target.  

I would be gentle with yourself right now -you will get there -the places you want to go -but one step at a time and keep busy in the sense of distracting and redirecting from the uber-focus on aging and negativity.  Good luck and I'm sorry about your job!

[Chaeryoung]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated and defeated. You have a lot of challenges right now! I was in better health/more fit/looked better in my late 30s/40s than my 20s.  And I had my one and only pregnancy and baby at 42.  The year I got married.  I am 56 and I am aging -I have wrinkles, I have graying hair (which started at age 28), definitely get stiffer if I sit too long. I also work out (cardio mostly) every single day and have worked out regularly since 1982 and daily (instead of 4-5 times/week) for the last 11 years or so.  I am fit looking and slim.  

When I reconnected with my husband I was turning 39 and he was 38. Much older than you.  My age/aging/not looking 19 anymore -irrelevant.  Completely.  I never would have dated a man who was uber-focused on having a woman who looked 19. (I did always look much younger than I was though).  

People age differently -emotionally, physically, mentally -depends on the individual, how they take care of themselves, activity levels, how they keep their brains engaged, etc. It's not one size fits all at all. I dated men in their 20s who acted like crochety old men and older men who were mature and also fun loving, fun, great sense of energy and adventurous. 

My husband and I have traveled together to multiple foreign countries and US states, had adventures - ranging from hiking to meeting famous people, relocating, becoming parents right after marriage, etc etc.  We're active, alive, try to be positive and love our teenage son to the moon and back.  Does that sound "aging?" 

I think your focus is because you're generally down on yourself right now and physical aging is an easy target.  

I would be gentle with yourself right now -you will get there -the places you want to go -but one step at a time and keep busy in the sense of distracting and redirecting from the uber-focus on aging and negativity.  Good luck and I'm sorry about your job!

You are so kind. Thank you a lot for taking the time to share parts of your journey. I will try to be more gentle. Yes, maintaining a positive attitude is the hardest task right now. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Chaeryoung said:

You are so kind. Thank you a lot for taking the time to share parts of your journey. I will try to be more gentle. Yes, maintaining a positive attitude is the hardest task right now. 

That's an impossible task.  Don't try.  Simply take actions that reflect you giving a darn about yourself (the basics -hydration/enough sleep/shower every day/move your body enough), that show small and big kindnesses to others, that show that you're other directed rather than contemplating your aging navel.  When you live that sort of life consistently then the "attitude is gratitude" follows naturally.  No trying.  It just is.

[Chaeryoung]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's an impossible task.  Don't try.  Simply take actions that reflect you giving a darn about yourself (the basics -hydration/enough sleep/shower every day/move your body enough), that show small and big kindnesses to others, that show that you're other directed rather than contemplating your aging navel.  When you live that sort of life consistently then the "attitude is gratitude" follows naturally.  No trying.  It just is.

Yes. It is different when someone else is telling me this. I have been so much in my head lately, anxious, stressed out, on the verge of depression. I feel paralyzed and blocked in this state. I fear that I will permanently be miserable, I started catastrophizing. I really hope things will sort themselves out somehow. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Yes. It is different when someone else is telling me this. I have been so much in my head lately, anxious, stressed out, on the verge of depression. I feel paralyzed and blocked in this state. I fear that I will permanently be miserable, I started catastrophizing. I really hope things will sort themselves out somehow. 

Well no it's not like a car wash.  You have to take actions consistent with making changes -baby steps count! Are you seeing a therapist and/or are there resources for free or low cost therapy?

[Chaeryoung]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no it's not like a car wash.  You have to take actions consistent with making changes -baby steps count! Are you seeing a therapist and/or are there resources for free or low cost therapy

I am not seeing one, but I am planning to do so for at least a couple of times (I have some savings). I will try and see what baby steps can I take. For the time being I am applying for jobs and take care of myself through exercise. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Chaeryoung said:

I am not seeing one, but I am planning to do so for at least a couple of times (I have some savings). I will try and see what baby steps can I make. For the time being I am applying for jobs and take care of myself through exercise. 

Don't try.  Do. Figure out one new thing a day you will do that reflect taking care of yourself and/or others.

Today for example:  I exercised, drank my typical 10-12 glasses of water, let my neighbor in with my key with her 2 young kids because she forgot hers, talked to a good friend, did my back and hamstring stretches I hate doing but are good for me, helped a few people in some of my FB groups.  So far.  I am going to go to sleep early because I'm wildly exhausted and even though I like to stay up later and enjoy some down time I will make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour.  

It's that simple.  Figure out what's on your list.  Don't just try.

[Chaeryoung]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Don't try.  Do. Figure out one new thing a day you will do that reflect taking care of yourself and/or others.

Today for example:  I exercised, drank my typical 10-12 glasses of water, let my neighbor in with my key with her 2 young kids because she forgot hers, talked to a good friend, did my back and hamstring stretches I hate doing but are good for me, helped a few people in some of my FB groups.  So far.  I am going to go to sleep early because I'm wildly exhausted and even though I like to stay up later and enjoy some down time I will make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour.  

It's that simple.  Figure out what's on your list.  Don't just try.

Thank you! 🙏

[Kwothe28]

Where is the rush?

I met a woman your age at some political thing. In conversation it came out how she needs to find a husband soon because "she is 26 already". We are small town and she is from the village nearby. She finished college so she focused on studies and was focused to find a job in her field. But as she is from village, every other woman there that is her age is mostly married. As they rarely go for college degree and get married and have kids right after high school usually. So she had a societal pressure to find somebody and "tie the knot". 

So, what is "the rush" in your case? You are still very young. Now is the time for you to "find yourself". Find the career you want to, better job, even go out with friends before you all find somebody and start a family and dont have time for each other that much. You still have more then enough time to find somebody and you are still way too young to be thinking in that way.

[Chaeryoung]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Where is the rush?

I met a woman your age at some political thing. In conversation it came out how she needs to find a husband soon because "she is 26 already". We are small town and she is from the village nearby. She finished college so she focused on studies and was focused to find a job in her field. But as she is from village, every other woman there that is her age is mostly married. As they rarely go for college degree and get married and have kids right after high school usually. So she had a societal pressure to find somebody and "tie the knot". 

So, what is "the rush" in your case? You are still very young. Now is the time for you to "find yourself". Find the career you want to, better job, even go out with friends before you all find somebody and start a family and dont have time for each other that much. You still have more then enough time to find somebody and you are still way too young to be thinking in that way.

Thank you very much for your reply. Rationally speaking, I very much agree with what you said. The difficult part is given by my pessimistic perspective on things, maybe due to some sort of social pressure. Most of my friends or former friends are in relationships and I cannot prevent myself from being sad over the fact that for me things didn't work out very well in this area. Apparently, things didn't work out in many areas, haha. Thank you again. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you very much for your reply. Rationally speaking, I very much agree with what you said. The difficult part is given by my pessimistic perspective on things, maybe due to some sort of social pressure. Most of my friends or former friends are in relationships and I cannot prevent myself from being sad over the fact that for me things didn't work out very well in this area. Apparently, things didn't work out in many ways, haha. Thank you again. 

For now you haven't found the right person which is true of many people especially 26 year old people.  My friend's daughter is 26.  She married her serious long term boyfriend when she was 17 and he was 19.  They now have 3 kids under 8.  They are happily married.  But as far as aging - she is very tired and now very overweight. 

She was not overweight before she got married and didn't start adding extra weight until after the first of her 3 kids were born.  Extra weight of this kind is not healthy.  It doesn't look healthy on her.  

She has a lot of help with the kids and the house but she is still go go go all day -her husband is a successful business man who loves her and their kids and also travels a lot and works very long hours.  So please understand that people in their 20s often "age" faster from having a family young - they may or may not have more energy than an older mom (I had more energy in my early 40s when I had my baby than I did in my 30s).  

I think it's great that she has this lovely marriage and family just pointing out that the aging process may happen faster given the toll it takes on a body to have 3 kids in that span of time.

For me -if I had married the men I was serious with from high school to age 26 I would have married good men who were not right for me.  I'm so thankful I didn't.  Well one would have been very wrong - he was in denial when we were together -we had a wonderful sex life and were in love and he was fighting the feeling he was homosexual - which he revealed to me 10 years after we broke up.  I had no idea.  So as it turned out we each married men the same year.

Please stop comparing yourself to women your age who've made different choices.

[smackie9]

I'm getting a sense you don't have a fulfilling life with an active lifestyle, and a good social group/close friends. Maybe focus on self worth, positive attitude, and do more things that make life fulfilling like finding a new hobby, get a couple of interests that promotes social interaction, developing friendships, etc. 

[Andrina]

17 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

Although I would say I am an attractive woman, I have this debilitating fear that men won't be attracted to me anymore as years go by. 

Won't the men you're dating be in your age range and developing wrinkles and graying hairs at a similar stage? It's insulting to the entire gender of men if you think every one of them is this shallow. 

In hindsight of my own life, at times, I believe it would've been wiser to wait until I was at your present age to date seriously. Instead, I married at age 21, and was too young and dumb to make a wise decision. That first marriage ended in divorce--and I know of many others--relatives, co-workers, who made the same mistake. As older and wiser people, I and they made better decisions the second time around in choosing a lifetime partner.

You're going to have to change the reel going on in your brain. A book that helped me is The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. 

Also, a good activity is to make yourself a dream/vision board. Put everything on there you hope to accomplish and/or experience. It's a good way to be proactive  and clear about what you want in life. And as said, it does take effort to achieve goals, so taking steps, even small ones, will give you a sense of achievement. Take care.

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I'm getting a sense you don't have a fulfilling life with an active lifestyle, and a good social group/close friends. Maybe focus on self worth, positive attitude, and do more things that make life fulfilling like finding a new hobby, get a couple of interests that promotes social interaction, developing friendships, etc. 

You are definitely right. I lost my closest friends along the way (all of them moved to different cities and somehow the connection was lost), and now that I am back to my hometown, I am even more lonely as the city is small and have no friends. I don't know how to make friends here as social life is almost inexistent due to the fact that it is mostly a dead city. 😢

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Won't the men you're dating be in your age range and developing wrinkles and graying hairs at a similar stage? It's insulting to the entire gender of men if you think every one of them is this shallow. 

In hindsight of my own life, at times, I believe it would've been wiser to wait until I was at your present age to date seriously. Instead, I married at age 21, and was too young and dumb to make a wise decision. That first marriage ended in divorce--and I know of many others--relatives, co-workers, who made the same mistake. As older and wiser people, I and they made better decisions the second time around in choosing a lifetime partner.

You're going to have to change the reel going on in your brain. A book that helped me is The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. 

Also, a good activity is to make yourself a dream/vision board. Put everything on there you hope to accomplish and/or experience. It's a good way to be proactive  and clear about what you want in life. And as said, it does take effort to achieve goals, so taking steps, even small ones, will give you a sense of achievement. Take care.

Thank you very much for your answer! 🙏

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

You are definitely right. I lost my closest friends along the way (all of them moved to different cities and somehow the connection was lost), and now that I am back to my hometown, I am even more lonely as the city is small and have no friends. I don't know how to make friends here as social life is almost inexistent due to the fact that it is mostly a dead city. 😢

What opportunities are there to volunteer?

[Chaeryoung]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What opportunities are there to volunteer?

I will check them out. I haven't done it yet.