Is my 'ability' to let people go selfish?

[sawinjo]

I always felt like it was never too difficult for me to let go of people with whom I spent a lot of pleasant time together. Many people keep telling me that this is a good quality, but how can it be good if I am shackled by the fear that I do not know how to appreciate and love people in the right way? There was a case when my friend had a hard time, and I was having fun with another company at that time. I still feel disgusting, although there have been no more such situations. I am not indifferent to people, but I also do not get attached to them on a deep emotional level. Am I selfish?

[Batya33]

Do you like socializing? Do you want friends? Loving is giving.  Practice being a giving person and see if you feel good about that.  Getting attached on a deep emotional level  requires a close bond and someone you have a lot in common with -do you feel you click with these people in that way?

[Cherylyn]

You're not selfish.  What's selfish is stringing people along despite your true lack of interest in them.  To me, that type of behavior is very deceitful, insincere and extremely dishonest.  Letting people go is actually unselfish  because you're doing them a favor for no longer wasting their time,  energy,  thoughts and resources on you whereas they could earnestly invest themselves into someone else instead. 

[catfeeder]

Nobody here can diagnose anyone. If you fear that your detachment might be significant enough to address, do some research and decide whether you may want to pursue an assessment.

Your goal can be about relieving your fears rather than assuming that there's anything 'wrong' with you. For instance, do you think your fear is more about appearances and being labeled as selfish by others, or is it an internal concern?

I detach fairly easily from most people, but not from others, such as immediate family. I've just always sensed that relationships are cyclical, divergences are natural, and I trust that those with whom I can share mutual love and benefit in the future will cycle back into my life. And this has proven to be true. (I'm old, so I've seen the proof. Hah!)

This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy love, it just means that I recognize growth as fluid, and I view changes in focus and priorities as natural.

Some people find this offensive, as though loyalty requires locking onto others and playing a consistent force in one anothers' lives. And I don't fault anyone for that. Some cultures teach that, and as long as the recipient of such a dedicated focus is okay with that, then it's all lovely. But I have a much 'lighter touch'.

Do you think same can be said of you?

[Kwothe28]

Aristotle said there are 3 types of friendships:

1) friendship of utility- exist between you and someone who is useful to you in some way. 

2) friendship of pleasure-  exist between you and those whose company you enjoy. 

3) friendship of the good- are based on mutual respect and admiration. 

You are harboring number 2. In order to have number 3 you would have to listen and to be with your friends even when the times are tough. You dont have an ability to do that. When times are tough you just say "Bye" and leave. Because all you think about is pleasure. I wouldnt be surprised if you are like that in a relationships as well. if you want close friendships you would have to connect with your friends on everything, not just on mutual pleasure. We are friends with people not only when we go out and have fun, but also when they need us. You abandoning yours when they needed you, tells a lot about you. Harbor more empathy and try to connect more with people around you. Because yes, it could create issues for later.

[Cherylyn]

❤️

14 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Aristotle said there are 3 types of friendships:

1) friendship of utility- exist between you and someone who is useful to you in some way. 

2) friendship of pleasure-  exist between you and those whose company you enjoy. 

3) friendship of the good- are based on mutual respect and admiration. 

You are harboring number 2. In order to have number 3 you would have to listen and to be with your friends even when the times are tough. You dont have an ability to do that. When times are tough you just say "Bye" and leave. Because all you think about is pleasure. I wouldnt be surprised if you are like that in a relationships as well. if you want close friendships you would have to connect with your friends on everything, not just on mutual pleasure. We are friends with people not only when we go out and have fun, but also when they need us. You abandoning yours when they needed you, tells a lot about you. Harbor more empathy and try to connect more with people around you. Because yes, it could create issues for later.

I agree @Kwothe28. 

1)  Friendship in utility ~  I've known a few people who are this way.  I think it's fine if the need to use each other is mutual and this is the habitual agreement and arrangement.  What I take issue with is a  sociopath  who is only nice,  kind and generous (hospitality / love bombing / pretentiousness / charming behaviors) with expectations and obligations in return from the recipient or friend.  This type of behavior is fake,  phony,  sinister,  tricky,  sneaky and disdainful.  This type of friendship is conditional and nothing else.  Socializing with designs on utility is not free.  It will cost and there is a price to pay each time.

2)  Friendship for pleasure ~  AKA (also known as) "Good Time Charlies."  They love a good time when times are good,  when you can show them a good time,  wine and dine them,  they'll enjoy your hospitality and generosity in any form.  These so-called friends are not the type to help you during your dire needs of any sort nor in any capacity.  They'll scatter to the four winds,  nowhere to be seen nor heard.  Unless you can show them a good time or benefit them in any way,  they're not interested in you. 

3) Friendship of the good ~ Based on respect and admiration.  This is the most priceless and rarest to find.  This type of friendship is "no strings attached" and there is no deal to be had.  I'm extremely blessed and fortunate to have local friends such as these.  I've known them for many years,  we get together and fortunately,  we do not rely on relentless social media in order to keep in touch.  Our friendship never grows stale,  it stays fresh and we catch up the old-fashioned way either with in person socializing (shopping / dining / outings for the day) or if pressed for time, a long phone chat after dinnertime when there's a lull at the end of the day. 

During times of tumult (birth / death / moving / illness / emergencies / crisis), my local friends and I gave each other home cooked meals.  We exchange wonderful gifts for birthdays and Christmas.  We genuinely care for each other until it hurts.  To me, this is what true and real friends are.  They are there during good times and bad.  We've helped each other move from one house to the other.  We've babysat each others children.  We've hosted each others bridal and baby showers.  We get together for potlucks throughout the year.  We've picnicked.  We've done it all.  These are the most prized friends on Earth. ❤️

@sawinjo.  You're not selfish.  As I've mentioned previously,  it's better to be honest with yourself and people in your life.  If you don't want to cultivate,  nurture and maintain friendships,  then don't.  At least your stance is crystal clear and there is no misunderstanding.  I think it's worse to use each other for one's gain because it's not  a true,  real,  sincere,  genuine friendship.  It's a fake,  phony friendship based upon an agreement which feels cold and shallow.  It's "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine."  It's calculating and only to meet one's own ends.  It's NOT love between friends at all. 

Detaching yourself is your freedom of choice.  There is nothing wrong with it.  The only problem with it is that without investing your heart,  soul,  time,  labor and resources into others means it will become a lonely world for you.  It's not selfish though.  You do what you want and as long as there is no deceit,  it's never selfish.  It's the deceit and betrayal of trust that is the real deal breaker. 

Be honest and upfront.  Instead of abandoning friends during their time of need,  tell them truthfully and honestly that you are weak and do not have the capacity to care and be the type of friend they desire and deserve.  Be humble and forthright.  Tell them you are apathetic,  ignorant and indifferent.  Don't fool yourself.  Have the humility by telling it like it is.  Be a straight shooter.  No sense hiding it.  In this case,  it truly is one of those:  "It's not you,  it's me" type explanations which is the truth.  When you tell the truth like that,  it's called being very humble,  sincere and UNSELFISH.  They won't feel offended because they'll know you don't hate them and after you tell the truth,  they're more apt to accept your shortcomings.  Whenever you don't explain with utmost humility,  friendships or relationships end on a sour note.