lying about who someone is

[Guest]

So, my question as I seem to of had my last few exs lie to my face about who guys are that are messaging them.

This has happened in the very early stages of the relationship - and quite frankly I feel after that my trust in them is very shakey. I struggle to believe they are telling the truth and look for signs etc.

I guess Im asking has anyone else either been lied to about who someone was, or been the person to lie? Like in the sense a person is just a friend - but it turns out they're an ex lover or someone they dated.

I dont mean I have a problem with them having guy mates - far from it. My ex had a very good guy friend she worked with. I went out with them many times, even stayed at this dudes house and met his friends. 

Would people find it inappropriate for them to be talking to these people? I feel I make it quite clear early/set boundaries that I dont see the reason you need to stay in contact with someone you've recently been involved with...like whats the point?

 

 

[smackie9]

Yes there are some who stay in contact or are friends with ex lovers...that isn't good or bad, it just is what it is. Since you set a strong boundary they can't fulfill they are going to lie about their identity just to stay with you. This is their own compromise to your set boundary, but this is no compromise, this is a deal breaker. Basically you have been dating incompatible people. So if they are caught you dump them flat, and keep looking for someone who agrees more with your core values. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes there are some who stay in contact or are friends with ex lovers...that isn't good or bad, it just is what it is. Since you set a strong boundary they can't fulfill they are going to lie about their identity just to stay with you. This is their own compromise to your set boundary, but this is no compromise, this is a deal breaker. Basically you have been dating incompatible people. So if they are caught you dump them flat, and keep looking for someone who agrees more with your core values. 

But its the lying. I dont understand it.
My last ex said she had a problem with me being friends with exes.....So I was dumb founded by the fact she would lie who people were

[smackie9]

4 minutes ago, Metalhead1 said:

But its the lying. I dont understand it.
My last ex said she had a problem with me being friends with exes.....So I was dumb founded by the fact she would lie who people were

This is called projecting. 

[Guest]

Just now, smackie9 said:

This is called projecting. 

What do you mean? can you explain more please?

Im only asking as Im confused currently - I dont understand the nature of why I've been lied to in the past. 

[smackie9]

Projecting means: When they engage in projection, they become susceptible to self-victimization and blaming other people for something they need to address within themselves. So say a cheater gets a BF, she assumes he's a cheater too. So these girls talk to their exes and lie about it, they think you are going to do the same thing. So they don't acknowledge what they are doing is wrong, but if other do it is it wrong. 

[Cherylyn]

To me,  lying falls into the same category as other transgressions such as deceit,  betrayal,  being falsely accused of lying,  cruel words spewed whether verbal or written,  deliberately hanging up on a person during a phone call or various and very serious offenses of any sort.  Yes,  all of as I've described has unfortunately happened to me.   ☹️

I've found that once trust is dead,  it is gone forever.  Any relationship or friendship will never be the same.  I sever all contact permanently.  There is no point continuing a dead relationship / friendship whatsoever.  Estrangement feels safer and protected.  Those are my boundaries.   I don't care what certain people do as long as they're eliminated from my life. 

Should our paths cross,  I'm polite yet standoffish.  When called for,  I'm passive aggressive and basically do nothing.  I simply go my own way in life and it's just the way I like it.

[Bluepenquin]

Oh the hanging up during a conversation because they don’t like what you have said or have touched a nerve. I know all too well that

 

not so long ago because I asked a simple question 

‘do you mind bringing my food back from your flat’ she literally went on a rant about how I was being selfish. I was the most selfish person she had met. I should add she was letting her bro stay down her flat, and I honestly didn’t think we would be going there for a while so just asked her to bring what food I had left down there back….I was made out to be the worst person in the world. She got angry and basically said she didn’t want to be around me and left

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bluepenquin said:

 asked her to bring what food I had left down there back….

Are you @Metalhead1?

Try to make this easier on yourself and try to sever ties cleanly. Don't drag it out over replaceable items. She's being nasty, so steer clear and only do what you have to. Unnecessary contact will just stress you out more.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Yes. Read my post history, this just happened to me. 
 

reconnected with an ex who was very very very vague that she was overly connected with one of her exes.  She had plenty of opportunity to tell me this information but brushed the individual off as a “roomie”

 

then I found an Instagram account full of their lives together when my ex was telling me she was doing all of her day to day activities alone.  It felt deliberately deceitful to me. 
 

I brought it up to her and she was very dismissive of my feelings, said “it just never came up” between she and I, and then told me it shouldn’t even matter unless I had feelings for her.  
 

It felt hurtful to me because for one it seemed to insinuate I’m only worthy of the truth if we’re romantically connected, and for two because we talk every day and had a trip planned.  So if we are so close as to talk constantly, plan trips together, and share day to day activities with one another, why couldn’t I know she was spending her time with this other person?  Why was it a secret?  

 

left me feeling crazy and stupid. 
 

 

Edit: I do want to add that I think people have a right to their privacy and no one is entitled to any aspect of someone’s life. But for me it’s the lies and deceit. Ie: calling an ex an old roomie and acting as if there’s limited contact when reality is very different!   I also don’t mind people being friends with exes depending on the context. Usually it seems more trouble than it’s worth but there are situations where i can see the occasional contact not being such a big deal. I can understand why people would have boundaries of “no exes,” could keep things easier. 

[Bluepenquin]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Edit: I do want to add that I think people have a right to their privacy and no one is entitled to any aspect of someone’s life. But for me it’s the lies and deceit. Ie: calling an ex an old roomie and acting as if there’s limited contact when reality is very different!   I also don’t mind people being friends with exes depending on the context. Usually it seems more trouble than it’s worth but there are situations where i can see the occasional contact not being such a big deal. I can understand why people would have boundaries of “no exes,” could keep things easier. 

Exactly. With my ex one of her best mates was a guy she worked with. Told me about him on like our second date.

ended up meeting the guy and even staying over her house and meeting his friends.

I have no concerns/worries with people having friends of the opposite sex.

my issue is like what you said the deceit. Why lie about who someone is? Why keep this person around when you are exclusive/in a relationship. The only reason I can think of is attention.

either way I know I have insecurities, but through her actions these were amplified massively and the end action was me looking on her phone as deep down I didn’t believe what she said.

that’s on me. My self esteem clearly needed improving and I didn’t walk. Why? I need to address that. Most people would have walk a few months ago when she had lied about the guy from the gym, and I found the message from the guy following up when they were meeting. ( for the record I didn’t snoop ) I asked her if she would show me who she was speaking with. Which is what she asked me to do when I snooped. So I followed her instructions and she freaked out. Straight away I knew the behaviour was hiding something