Extremely Heartbroken...any advice would help!

[Stargazer01]

We dated for 5 months. 39,38 y/o.  I have a job in healthcare, been in the industry since I   was 16. I don't smoke and drink occasionally. Maybe a cocktail once a week.  I met this man on dating site. He was straight forward with me since the beginning. Smokes about 10 joints a day, no job for about 2 years, sells weed-maybe about a $500 profit a month. We went out on three dates and I broke it off due to our lifestyles not aligning. 

He texted me about a month later and I agreed to another date. Ended up falling for this man. He had gotten a job and was due to start in a month due to his disability benefits expiring. We did a lot of road trips-that we mutually funded. Fast forward 3 months in he starts changing with me. By this time we're spending the night every night, I'm washing his clothes. I feel far more invested than him. I don't know what happened. It's like when I first felt a bit of coldness from him something triggers inside me and I try to make things better instead of backing off. 

The past 2 months he has started to have a short fuse with me, no patience, and just irritable. He has started to cuss at me when we argue. Didn't tell me f you or call me names. Just uses a lot of profanity when arguing. We broke up last week due to this. He crossed a line. He called me a stupid ass, blaming me for talking to me this way. He said " I will hammer the f out of you to hurt you with words because you're hurting me". He was upset because he was going to pick up weed and was waiting for me to go with him and I cause him to be a 1/2 hr late.  The whole way he was telling me things. How he cant wait to get rid of me, why did you come, you're wasting my life, how he's the closest thing to love I will know...and on.  He has done this before but not to this extent. And I always end up apologizing and saying I'll be better to not upset him. 

The reason he says it's my fault was because in the beginning of our relation ship I questioned him a lot. He hasn't been in a relationship in 5 years. Has always cheated on his girlfriends. Told me that the night before some girl had texted him at midnight for s*x.  How am I supposed to feel? Insecure and a little cautious of course. I would ask for reassurance a lot. But not grand things. I just wanted a sentence. Like...we'll figure this out together kinda statements. 

Looking back I could see he has anger issues possibly. First month we dated, he rolled down his windows and yelled at a cyclist "shut the f up before I throw you off your bike mother effer". I asked what happened...and he said nothing this fool flipped me off he thought i cut him off. I thought to myself I would have just told the guy sorry bro with a hand gesture. Noted...but I didn't think anything of it. He told me of an incident he had on the fwy with his kids. Road rage and he started tailgating the other driver. I just told him he shouldn't do that with his teens in the car. About 2 weeks ago he we were both sick at his house sleeping in the afternoon. His mom called to check up on him and he was sooo upset. [ ]  why is she calling, she just woke me up when i was starting to fall asleep, what is she going to do for me, is she going to come over here and do something for me, I don't understand why she's calling. I told him even if she was in another state she is still going to call you and see how you are. She's worried about you. She didn't know you were sleeping. He got a little aggressive with me but I ignored him. After he calmed down he said to me when you see me like that just leave me alone, I'm not mad at you. I said it's not directed at me now, but it has been in the past. You shouldn't be like that. I explained to him I was close to leaving but knew it would make things worse so I just stayed and ignored him. He said good call. 

I really fell in love with him. We obviously had good times together which I did not mention here but I cant stand for this treatment. But this has left me extremely upset. I've been crying for days. We texted for 2 days after the arguments and he does not own up to anything. Blames me for his outbursts which I know are beyond me. But it still hurts so much!!

[Cherylyn]

Good to break up.  Instead of feeling hurt,  feel relieved.  What a loser and he's dangerous.  Better that you broke it off than risk your life with this jerk.  Good riddance! 

[Stargazer01]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Good to break up.  Instead of feeling hurt,  feel relieved.  What a loser and he's dangerous.  Better that you broke it off than risk your life with this jerk.  Good riddance! 

Thank you. I've had no contact for 7 days now and had my first therapy appt. today. I just miss him so much. This is really painful. 

[MissCanuck]

Keep up with therapy. 

It's going to help you understand why you were attracted to dysfunction and kept going back to a man who is a walking red flag. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

Thank you. I've had no contact for 7 days now and had my first therapy appt. today.

Sorry this happened to you. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

It's great you're getting help unpacking and sorting everything out.  It seems like you miss the idea of a relationship, but realize that he had too many red flags.

[Jibralta]

The good news is, your initial gut feeling about him was correct. I wonder what made you ignore it?

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

Thank you. I've had no contact for 7 days now and had my first therapy appt. today. I just miss him so much. This is really painful. 

I know you miss him.  I'm sorry.  I've missed people, too.  Splash cold water on your face and your wake up call is to remember all the BAD sides to a person's character and then your missing him will fade faster.  Bad behavior always outweighs any other thoughts.  It's bad behavior that trumps all else.  Then you will evolve from missing him to feeling relieved with "good riddance!" thoughts.  When you feel grateful that you dodged a bullet, you'll go from missing him to disgust which is good to feel disgust.  Disgust and disdain will make you feel bitter and resentful which is actually good because this leads to feelings of utter relief.  It's a blessing because you're smart enough to know you only deserve to be treated with respect.  Anything less is a no go.

[Batya33]

Try this maybe:  get a stack of index cards or post its.  On each one write a bad thing about him. When you miss him physically flip through each card or note. See how big the stack is.  I hope you set the bar much higher next time!