Boyfriend using gaslighting and triangulation to isolate me.

[eastcoastgal]

This is a continuation from my last post, about my boyfriend who was confiding in a female friend of his about our relationship. He was not communicating with me at all, he would instead, go to her and tell her how horrible I was treating him. He never talked to me about anything and he never tried to leave the relationship.

So as it turns out, it was much worse than I thought. He was manipulating the situation so he could be the centre of attention and play the victim. He was gas lighting me, using triangulation to isolate me and create animosity against me. This was a man that said he loved me and wanted to have a relationship. He had this woman so furious with me and she started sending me threats. I did not respond to anything and just walked away from the situation but it is so upsetting to me that this was going on for so long. What kind of a person does something so calculated and malicious?

We had difficulties and I made mistakes but I took ownership and apologized. He forgave me and said we could move on, but he apparently was more interested in getting sympathy.

I have no contact with anyone involved anymore but I have had serious depression and anxiety since because I just can't believe that someone could be that duplicitous and vicious. Why stay in the relationship just to humiliate me? What that what he was doing? I made some recordings of him when he was verbally abusing me. He doesn't know I have them.  I played them for some people and they can't believe how toxic he is. He was jealous and incredibly insecure.

I feel like I need closure or some answers, how can I out this behind me? I will run into him and his friend again at some point ...

[boltnrun]

Seeking "closure" from a toxic, emotionally abusive ex is like getting food poisoning and thinking the best cure is to eat more spoiled food. 

I'm sorry he turned out to be a terrible person. 

Please reach out for support to family and trusted friends (not mutual friends). Realize it's OK to feel lousy for a while. I did when my toxic ex  unceremoniously dumped me for the very young woman he'd been cheating on me with. But it got better with time, distance and the support of good friends. Also keeping busy is a great idea. 

And be sure not to contact him or respond if he contacts you. In fact, blocking him from contacting you is the best idea.

You'll get through it. I did and so have thousands of others. 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry this happened.  I don't think seeking closure from him or her is advisable.  Again I'm sorry.

[Coily]

This needs to be purged from an active part of your life, you need to spend some time getting yourself back together. 
Stay vigilant against him trying to manipulate you further.

[eastcoastgal]

I don't know how to purge this.

[Coily]

41 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I don't know how to purge this.

You took  the first step of no contact.

Other things I have done are to clean out spaces where there are reminders. Pack up gifts, give them away, or throw them out; make your space your own. Rearrange your space or redecorate, so you aren’t actively reminded.

When you feel lonely find people to chat with in real life or on line. 
 

I had a friend who needed some symbolism, she wrote her ex’s name on a piece of paper and burned it.

With these more extreme moments, brains need some symbolic procedures to process your angst, rage, fear, and feeling alone. So little healthy actions are the best.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Batya33.  No need to seek closure.  It's already closed so don't revisit by opening it.  Keep it closed. 

What kind of a person is calculated and malicious?  Narcissism is a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure.  They have zero empathy.  They lack emotional intelligence and wouldn't know the definition of it if it hit them on the head.  

If you run into him or his friend again,  learn to ignore.  Keep a cool head and hang tough.  Stay strong.  Do not engage.  Rise above it and keep moving forward.  

I'm sorry this happened to you.  Take good care of your health.   

[eastcoastgal]

I guess I have to forgive myself for letting it happen. I agree, and I have been ignoring and gone no contact.

Twice he has tried to approach me and even shake my hand!! I sent him packing. I'm sure now he's saying that I'm bitter and holding a grudge and he's 'just trying to be nice' It's all part of the power play now that he has lost control. He will find someone else to manipulate.

I feel like I've sent a strong enough message and I need to keep that going.

 

THANK YOU!!

[Cherylyn]

34 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I guess I have to forgive myself for letting it happen. I agree, and I have been ignoring and gone no contact.

Twice he has tried to approach me and even shake my hand!! I sent him packing. I'm sure now he's saying that I'm bitter and holding a grudge and he's 'just trying to be nice' It's all part of the power play now that he has lost control. He will find someone else to manipulate.

I feel like I've sent a strong enough message and I need to keep that going.

 

THANK YOU!!

Never fall for those gaslighting tricks.  People like that never change. 

Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me.  <== Remember this always.

[boltnrun]

55 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I'm sure now he's saying that I'm bitter and holding a grudge and he's 'just trying to be nice'

What he thinks no longer has any relevance in your life. 

If you find yourself starting to "miss" him, I recommend you reread your OP on this thread to remind yourself what a POS he is.  

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I'm sure now he's saying that I'm bitter and holding a grudge and he's 'just trying to be nice' It's all part of the power play now that he has lost control. He will find someone else to manipulate.

Who cares what he's saying or if he has laryngitis.  Who cares whether the next woman he dates he will have had therapy and learned how to treat people or whether he went to some sort of confession and vowed to change?  A man I was crazy about who wasn't crazy about me sent me inappropriate emails twice when he was engaged to his future wife and when they were married. 

He would have sent more but I didn't take the bait (no I did not block him given our mutual friends). How many times do you think I warned his future wife? Zero.  How long did I spend trying to analyze why he would do this/whether he ever cared about me, etc? Um maybe 15 seconds if that? They've been married 18 years now - seemingly happy. Good for them.  Is it "fair?" No but I try not to let people who do me wrong or who do the wrong thing affect how I live my life.  I suggest the same for you.

It's none of your business how he lives his life, he's not in your life and wasting negative energy on this could distract you from meeting good people.  

[Jaunty]

Is this the same abusive boyfriend from all your other posts?   I thought you broke up with that guy - in any case, stay away from this one and stop getting involved with abusive men.   I think you know the signs, since you talk about abuse in specific terms.  When you see the sign - GET MOVING.

[Lambert]

19 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

feel like I need closure or some answers, how can I out this behind me? I will run into him and his friend again at some point .

I think the thing you have to keep telling yourself is that only time and distance from these people will heal and provide closure... closure comes from within.  An outside source can never heal you, fix you or provide closure for you.  It all comes from within.  

How you ask?  by self parenting. Make healthy goals and choices for your betterment. Holding yourself accountable for your care and well-being and actually making the better choices, builds self esteem and confidence.

How to do this- make nutrition, movement, & good sleep your  priority. Get as healthy as you can.  Spend time either alone reading or doing activities you like or only with people that are good for you. 

If you run into them, you turn the other way.

let them think whatever they think.  not your problem. 

Time to level up and leave them in the rear view.