How to cut off my toxic mother who threatens su***de?

[Tathink97]

She is mentally ill, diagnosed with schizoid and narcissistic disorder. In the past she saw a psychiatrist because she was convinced she was depressed (in fact she's just a hypochondriac) but she told the psychiatrist to fck off after she told her the truth about her mental state.

I´m 25F and living with my longtime bf for 8 years now. My mother still tries to control my life and treats me like a child. When I tell her she's acting inappropriate she starts screaming and being agressive. She wants to plan our whole lives, furnish our house and tell us what to eat. She is insane.

I was abused by her when I was a child. I do not have a father or other siblings. I moved out when I was 17 because she was so toxic. Recently my grandparents died so my mom doesn´t have any family except me. My bf´s family do not wanna talk to her because she made a scene once and told my MIL to fck off. She doesn´t know how to behave and really needs some professional help.

I´m a medical student, I should graduate this summer. Me and my man actually plan a wedding after my graduation but I don´t want my mother there. She would ruin the whole ceremony. I´m so sad about this and mentally exhausted. I like her a lot but can´t forgive her how badly she treated me when I was young. I had no self esteem, no confidence and social anxiety. I got through this and feel so much better now and want to live my peaceful and drama free life.

She is also asking about our seggs life and basicaly wants to know what we are doing 24/7. My bf is loosing his patience. The problem is that she has no boundaries and doesn´t know the word privacy.

When I say nicely that I disagree with something, she tells me I´m selfish and ungrateful.

Seriously, this needs to stop. But I don´t know how.

[Seraphim]

Having an abusive childhood leads to no boundaries. You have to learn how to have them. Maybe counselling for yourself can help you learn? I know it did for me. I learned to keep my parents at a comfortable emotional distance. I was mostly estranged from my severely mentally ill dad. I would speak to him when he wasn’t abusive and he was cut off when he was. My dad is passed away now. 

[Starlight925]

Are you financially dependent on her?  Is she financially dependent on you?  I ask because financial dependence can cause boundary strains that are hard to break.

If you are financially dependent one way or the other, I'd advise that you break that financial bond somehow.

If not, then it's time to set clear boundaries.  Talk to her only on X day of the week, for Y amount of time.  Let her know of this schedule, and stick to it.  Ignore any calls, texts, or  emails from her other than this time, except for clear emergencies.

Any in-person visits are to be scheduled, and times to be kept.  You have too much going on in your life with medical school (congrats on this amazing accomplishment, BTW!!) to deal with this nonsense.

If she threatens suicide, call the suicide hotline at once and give them her number.  You are not her suicide hotline.

 

[left due to request]

I can't imagine what you went through during college and then med school.  you still have some years left for residency so is getting married after school a good choice?  I'm only asking to see if you can buy some time.

During that bought time, maybe you can reconnect with your mother and help her with treatments, whether that be institutionalization or just enough to be able to function normally.  If that's not an option, then you need to do what you think is the best for you and your fiancee.

Treat her as though she's one of your patients and try not to see her as your mother.  Easier said than done but that's probably the only way to communicate with your mother.  Leaving home at 17 is something I remember as well but it wasn't due to abuse for me.  It was more of me and what I wanted to do.  Of course the results are same as yours where we don't speak to each other. 

Take it for what its worth but parents not being at the wedding is not totally unseen.  Having a mother like person in presence of your mother is not such a bad thing and have seen few times. Wish you the best of luck and message me if you wish.  I am a physician as well.

[Cherylyn]

If you have financial independence and you've since exhausted all other avenues regarding the dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship, simply do nothing.  Don't text,  call,  email,  message, don't leave voicemails and trail off into oblivion.  Ignore completely.  This is how both of you disappear from each others lives.  Cut off all contact. 

[savignon]

There is a great new book by Melissa Urban (author of Whole 30) called Book of Boundaries: Setting the Limits that will Set You Free

I was abused as a child as well and agree with the previous post that says when that happens, we lack boundaries ourselves because we were never allowed any and therefore don't know how to set them.  This book offers some "sentence starters" to help you figure out what to say.  This book really helped me.

Some suggestions to get started might be:

• Our interactions have been causing me stress lately and I need to take a time out for myself.  I'll get in touch when I'm ready to talk again.
• Ahead of our next visit, I'm going to ask that you not call me names when you disagree with me.  If you can't do that I don't know when we'll get together next since you're not respecting me.
• Your aggressive towards me is inappropriate and is putting my well-being at risk.  For that reason I'm going to stop responding to your messages until you get some help.  Maybe then we can talk with your therapist together.

I totally know that mentally-exhausted feeling.  Take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror, and appreciate how you've made a different life for yourself than the one you lived as a child.  It's not too late to set some boundaries and preserve your mental wellness.  You can do it!!

In your corner,
Sav

[poorlittlefish]

9 hours ago, savignon said:

There is a great new book by Melissa Urban (author of Whole 30) called Book of Boundaries: Setting the Limits that will Set You Free

I was abused as a child as well and agree with the previous post that says when that happens, we lack boundaries ourselves because we were never allowed any and therefore don't know how to set them.  This book offers some "sentence starters" to help you figure out what to say.  This book really helped me.

Some suggestions to get started might be:

• Our interactions have been causing me stress lately and I need to take a time out for myself.  I'll get in touch when I'm ready to talk again.
• Ahead of our next visit, I'm going to ask that you not call me names when you disagree with me.  If you can't do that I don't know when we'll get together next since you're not respecting me.
• Your aggressive towards me is inappropriate and is putting my well-being at risk.  For that reason I'm going to stop responding to your messages until you get some help.  Maybe then we can talk with your therapist together.

I totally know that mentally-exhausted feeling.  Take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror, and appreciate how you've made a different life for yourself than the one you lived as a child.  It's not too late to set some boundaries and preserve your mental wellness.  You can do it!!

In your corner,
Sav

This is excellent advice.  You also need to learn that it's OK to say no and you are not obliged to explain yourself.  Your mother needs to learn that her actions have a negative impact on you and that there are consequences to behaving badly.

[Tathink97]

23 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Are you financially dependent on her?  Is she financially dependent on you?  I ask because financial dependence can cause boundary strains that are hard to break.

If you are financially dependent one way or the other, I'd advise that you break that financial bond somehow.

If not, then it's time to set clear boundaries.  Talk to her only on X day of the week, for Y amount of time.  Let her know of this schedule, and stick to it.  Ignore any calls, texts, or  emails from her other than this time, except for clear emergencies.

Any in-person visits are to be scheduled, and times to be kept.  You have too much going on in your life with medical school (congrats on this amazing accomplishment, BTW!!) to deal with this nonsense.

If she threatens suicide, call the suicide hotline at once and give them her number.  You are not her suicide hotline.

22 hours ago, left due to request said:

I can't imagine what you went through during college and then med school.  you still have some years left for residency so is getting married after school a good choice?  I'm only asking to see if you can buy some time.

During that bought time, maybe you can reconnect with your mother and help her with treatments, whether that be institutionalization or just enough to be able to function normally.  If that's not an option, then you need to do what you think is the best for you and your fiancee.

Treat her as though she's one of your patients and try not to see her as your mother.  Easier said than done but that's probably the only way to communicate with your mother.  Leaving home at 17 is something I remember as well but it wasn't due to abuse for me.  It was more of me and what I wanted to do.  Of course the results are same as yours where we don't speak to each other. 

Take it for what its worth but parents not being at the wedding is not totally unseen.  Having a mother like person in presence of your mother is not such a bad thing and have seen few times. Wish you the best of luck and message me if you wish.  I am a physician as well.

Thank you so much, I´m from EU so we have different after school standards. I think there is no residency in Slovakia. But I would definitelly think about buying some time, and try to help my mom. Yesterday she was calling me and was like a completely different person - she was nice and polite. Some days she acts crazy..some days she is normal...I miss her "mormal self" and want to help her so I wouldn´t need to cut her off completely. Now I´m working on my boundaries, do not be scared to say no, even if she threatens - I know she is just dramatic and wouldn´t do this. 

 

[Tathink97]

5 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

This is excellent advice.  You also need to learn that it's OK to say no and you are not obliged to explain yourself.  Your mother needs to learn that her actions have a negative impact on you and that there are consequences to behaving badly.

Thank you so much ! I really appreciate your advice and will definitely look up for that book.