How to get friend out of abusive "friendship"?

[badapple]

Okay so 3 months ago my friend (24F) met this guy (22M) at work and he became very infatuated with her. At first they were friends and all was good but then he confessed that he loves her and wants to be her bf. She said she wasn't interested and wants to focus on her career and is happy to be friends. 

However after 2.5 months she was terminated and left the job. She had a habit of going to restaurants alone to chill, and he’d end up coming and trying to do nice gestures like pay for her meal but she didnt want to feel she owes him so she kept returning the favor. He also gifted her headphones which she accepted.

For example he would show up down her apartment building and scream her name that he loves her . (she lives with her parents and siblings). When she had a video interview he was intentionally bent on distracting her so she wont do it on time, and he also made her cry that day and she ended up vomiting too. He screams at her, blames her for making him crazy, he tells her his family hates her because of what shes done to him, he screams and hits his head on the steering wheel.. Then he says hes so inlove with her it makes him crazy, wow Its a lot of red flags im overwhelmed typing this.  

Hes also manipulative, once when he was dropping her home, he faked being sick and asked her to accompany him to the clinic.

If she doesnt pick his calls, he gets angry and insults her. He also tries to isolate her from others by saying theyre bad people like he tries to find fault in everyone in her life, he even spoke badly about me behind my back when he doesnt even know me (idc tho its just sad)

 

Theres a lot more but this is the big picture and also what i remember.

I know all this based on what she tells me. She would call me and start complaining about him, saying she's worried he might lay a hand on her, how low he makes her feel, how he insults her and then comes back hours later apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Its a daily basis type of thing, i would listen, make jokes but at the end i kept telling her she needs to cut ties bc this guy is dragging her down. She wants to be a flight attendant and she obviously needs a strong emotional mindset, plus she has a lot of her own issues she needs to resolve from her past. Anyway she wasn't listening to me. And so she called me yesterday and told me that he storied a screenshot where her name on his phone was called “The Cheapest”. He also had told her if he ever saw her with another guy, he would kill her. Like 5 times or so. I just lost it, and im like thats it i need to confront him . i told her what i am going to do, and  i reached out to him, i had his # saved because she called me from his phone before when hers had died. 

I was direct and said he has no right to humiliate and harass her, and that he should seriously leave her alone, and that she will always be protected. well I was polite and concise - i also made it clear that this was on my own accord and she has no idea i reached out. He replied back im just not bothered to open it- but i did see him telling me to f*ck off and that idk anything and shes a liar apparently . oh and ofcourse he went and told her i texted hence her calls at 3am and asking me why i texted him oh well thats not gonna end well

Im just conflicted if i did the wrong thing like overstepped boundaries but i genuinely am concerned because she isnt doing anything about it and im worried this will cause anxiety for her or PTSD 

I would really appreciate ur opinions, ENA fam 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, badapple said:

He replied back im just not bothered to open it- but i did see him telling me to f*ck off and that idk anything and shes a liar apparently . 

Have you spoken directly and candidly about your concerns? 

Rather than criticize him, support her with information about warning signs of abuse. The more you try to overcontrol this the more you're alienating her and pushing her straight into his arms.

Do not contact him. Especially since you are putting her in danger by doing so. While you are concerned, besides listening and being supportive, you need to step way back and let her come to her own conclusions.

[badapple]

Yes, I had spoken to her about it over 20 times . the warning signs of abuse, the red flags, the whole ordeal. i am baffled myself why she doesnt do anything about it. i know she argues back   a bit then she ignores him 

i contacted him to let him know shes not alone, and to warn him to stay away. shes a really close friend and i know her past and the trauma shes been going through im worried hes making her worse

im worried i i aggravated the situation

[Kwothe28]

Unfortunately, your friend is in an abusive relationhip. It has all the signs of it, insults, threats, making her dependable on him, isolating her from friend etc. Its a textbook example of it. And yes, she should move from it and quite possibly even involve police in the case. Because those kind of cases usually end up in violence or worst.

But, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about that. If her "go to" is to just complain about the said person but never leaves, then its her decision to stay. You can provide support if she wants to leave. But you cant make her leave when she doesnt want do that.

For example, let me tell you what happened with my friends sister. My friends sister is a beautiful person. Someone who doesnt do too much but goes by. And unfortunately somebody who is raised under "Oh she is beautiful, she should marry good" mentality. So she meets a rich guy. Small(in height), alcoholic, villager(we call that not people from the village but somebody with that mentality), with 3 kids from previous marriage(she has none). But rich. So she dated him from quite some time. As you can imagine, somebody with bad mentality, and alcoholic, is less then an ideal partner. So the problems started accumulating. To the point he got drunk, got physical with her, threaten her, so she called a police. My friend and her whole family helped her. But even after that incident, she continued seeing the guy. Eventually she moved on her own, found a job in other place and moved on. But my point is, sometimes its useless to help if the person wont help itself.

So best you can do is just be support. No meddling no anything. You could maybe find her a job. It would make her less dependable and more opened to leave her bad situation. But other then that, dont meddle in her affairs. As much as it is unfortunate, its her decision to stay there.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

o best you can do is just be support. No meddling no anything. You could maybe find her a job. It would make her less dependable and more opened to leave her bad situation. But other then that, dont meddle in her affairs. As much as it is unfortunate, its her decision to stay there.

Same advice and just give her the websites and phone numbers if she doesn't have them as to who to contact for help and support.  

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, badapple said:

she lives with her parents and siblings. 

It's good she lives with her family. Apparently she's confiding in you telling you all the horrible things he does. But yes stay out of it because you may endanger her or yourself.

[MissCanuck]

While your heart is in the right place, it was indeed the wrong thing to contact him yourself. 

This man is volatile and unstable. Getting involved puts your friend’s safety at risk, as he is likely to take it out on her. So yes, you might have aggravated the situation and made matters worse. 

Do not contact him again. Your friend needs to either cut him off or call the police and report his harassment and death threats. If she won’t do that, you can’t do anything. It’s upsetting and very worrying, but it’s ultimately up to her to take action.
 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, badapple said:

I was direct and said he has no right to humiliate and harass her, and that he should seriously leave her alone, and that she will always be protected. well I was polite and concise - i also made it clear that this was on my own accord and she has no idea i reached out. He replied back im just not bothered to open it- but i did see him telling me to f*ck off and that idk anything and shes a liar apparently . oh and ofcourse he went and told her i texted hence her calls at 3am and asking me why i texted him oh well thats not gonna end well

Please do not do this again especially if you live with other people or he knows where your people live.

[boltnrun]

She complains yet continues to see him.

At this point she is choosing to continue. You can't force her to stop seeing him if she wants to see him. 

By chance are you interested in dating her?

[Sihana]

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do, you even risk as being seen as the bad one here.

She has to realize what's good for her on her on own.

[badapple]

 

Okay so she doesnt see him anymore, its the harassment hes been doing thats annoying me. i had to step in because she wasnt doing anything. 

Oh not interested to date her, Im a straight F guess i should have mentioned it! But ive been in abusive relationship when i was young and it was so hard so im hoping to get her out as i soon can

[badapple]

Thanks for all the feedback, friends. Your input is highly valued and helpful. I dont have a hero complex i just hope shes safe and listens to me. I suppose ill stay out of it but remain vigilante and be ther if she needs it

[boltnrun]

I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. She was only 17. He pushed her during an abusive event and she fell and broke her ankle, for example, yet she stayed with him. I told her I was concerned about her and that I was available any time she needed anything. And then I stepped back. Fortunately he finally went too far and she left him. 

If she won't contact authorities there is nothing you can do except tell her you're available if she should ever need support. However I would draw a boundary if all she does is complain but won't do anything proactive. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, badapple said:

i had to step in because she wasnt doing anything. 

This is where you are off-base, though it's understandable you wanted to protect her. 

It's hard to resist the impulse to help and insert ourselves in such situations. However, it was not wise. It was too much of a safety risk yourself and your friend. 

What is the reason she hasn't reported him for threatening to kill her multiple times? 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

tell her you're available if she should ever need support. However I would draw a boundary if all she does is complain but won't do anything proactive. 

I agree that it does more harm than good to allow her to vent about him to you. You're her pressure valve: she dumps, she feels better, you feel worse, and nothing changes.

Instead, tell her you love her, but the only thing her complaints accomplish is upsetting you. If she decides that you can be of help to get safe from this guy, you're all ears. Otherwise, you don't want to talk about the guy anymore.

Meanwhile, try contacting domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for advisement of what resources you can offer her--and offer to go with her or stay with her while she calls them.

Learn also what you cannot do without escalating the problem, which you may have done already.

Contact the experts--for free--who have studied this stuff to learn best ways to help.

GF is lucky to have a friend like you.