I'm loosing hope with my mother

[Sihana]

I (26F) have been with my GF (23F) for two years, everything is great  in our relationship, we are comitted to get married, have a family, and all that.

But my mother (63) doesn't like her, and has never liked any girl I have been in a relationship with, no matter what, doesn't like her family either, no matter how welcoming they are, she (my mother) will always find something offensive about what they say or do, for example, when I was going to meet her family, her only advice was: "don't let them humilliate you just because they are rich".

My mother doesn't really know my girlfriend, and she doesn't try to know her, she just makes things up to prove herself right.

As I loose hope, I feel like I also lose the desire for the two of them to spend time together and get to know each other, because I feel that I can already know that my mother is going to tell me something that she doesn't like about my girlfriend and we are going to end up arguing about it, she will tell me that I would rather take the side of a stranger than hers, we will both cry, and everything will be worst than it was.

I know this because it has happened before and things only have escalated to this point were I have had to ask for advice.

So here I´m, asking you for any advice you can give me.

 

[Batya33]

As difficult as it is stop mentioning your girlfriend to your mother and don’t introduce. Is the hostility also because you are both female ?

[catfeeder]

This isn't about hope, it's about dropping your view of yourself as Mom's child, and adopting the adult role of her equal, instead. Use adult discretion in your own choices, such as how much info you want to give Mom if she'll use it as ammunition, AND, be firm with how much of your valuable time you will give to your Mom if she misbehaves.

The turning point with my Mom was the day I hugged her and told her kindly, "Mom, I love you, and you have a choice to make. If the price of doing business with you will be criticism, then you will see a lot less of me, not more. You get to decide whether you can offer me the same mutual respect you'd offer any other adult, or not."

Then leave it alone. Best to say it when you're already on your way out, so you won't stick around for argument. If her response it to attempt argument, don't play. Just back up your talk with a walk away, and tell her that she's welcome to contact you when she's willing to be nice.

This is the adult version of sending Mom to her room--except you're the one who leaves.

Head high, and welcome to adulthood.

[Sihana]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As difficult as it is stop mentioning your girlfriend to your mother and don’t introduce. Is the hostility also because you are both female ?

I don't think it is, she has never mentioned anything about it.

[Sihana]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This isn't about hope, it's about dropping your view of yourself as Mom's child, and adopting the adult role of her equal, instead. Use adult discretion in your own choices, such as how much info you want to give Mom if she'll use it as ammunition, AND, be firm with how much of your valuable time you will give to your Mom if she misbehaves.

The turning point with my Mom was the day I hugged her and told her kindly, "Mom, I love you, and you have a choice to make. If the price of doing business with you will be criticism, then you will see a lot less of me, not more. You get to decide whether you can offer me the same mutual respect you'd offer any other adult, or not."

Then leave it alone. Best to say it when you're already on your way out, so you won't stick around for argument. If her response it to attempt argument, don't play. Just back up your talk with a walk away, and tell her that she's welcome to contact you when she's willing to be nice.

This is the adult version of sending Mom to her room--except you're the one who leaves.

Head high, and welcome to adulthood.

I assume you have used this method, may I know how things went after?

 

[Lambert]

I think it comes down to making your case and then letting her choose her next step.  I wouldn't try to reason with her when you are already arguing.  That never works.  What you could do is approach the topic when you are both relaxed and enjoying yourselves.

Tell her you hope that she can accept your girlfriend because this is the person you are choosing to build your life around and with.  PERIOD> END OF SENTENCE. 

If she says negative things-- as @catfeeder says, giver her a hug and say I'm sorry you feel this way.  I hope you change your mind.  Love you mom.  Then leave. I wouldn't try to convince her or even bargain with her on any of this.  It is your business who you associate with.  And part of being a healthy, happy human being is to set your own boundaries.  

You are not being a bad daughter or you're not a bad person.  People always say things like-- that's your mother.  Blood is thicker than water etc.  But here's the thing-- being biologically related is not a pass to act anyway you want.  She is acting poorly and she needs to decide does she want to be able to spew negativity and BS or does she want her daughter to come around. 

As a young lamb 🙂 my parents always wanted me to marry within our race and religion.  They made no bones about that.  Now that I am adult, I don't care.  If I fall for someone, that is MY CHOICE.  not theirs. 

I hope she does the right thing.  But either way, that is her choice.  Not yours.  You are an adult.  You can decide for yourself.  

[Sihana]

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think it comes down to making your case and then letting her choose her next step.  I wouldn't try to reason with her when you are already arguing.  That never works.  What you could do is approach the topic when you are both relaxed and enjoying yourselves.

Tell her you hope that she can accept your girlfriend because this is the person you are choosing to build your life around and with.  PERIOD> END OF SENTENCE. 

If she says negative things-- as @catfeeder says, giver her a hug and say I'm sorry you feel this way.  I hope you change your mind.  Love you mom.  Then leave. I wouldn't try to convince her or even bargain with her on any of this.  It is your business who you associate with.  And part of being a healthy, happy human being is to set your own boundaries.  

You are not being a bad daughter or you're not a bad person.  People always say things like-- that's your mother.  Blood is thicker than water etc.  But here's the thing-- being biologically related is not a pass to act anyway you want.  She is acting poorly and she needs to decide does she want to be able to spew negativity and BS or does she want her daughter to come around. 

As a young lamb 🙂 my parents always wanted me to marry within our race and religion.  They made no bones about that.  Now that I am adult, I don't care.  If I fall for someone, that is MY CHOICE.  not theirs. 

I hope she does the right thing.  But either way, that is her choice.  Not yours.  You are an adult.  You can decide for yourself.  

A very kind approach.

Thank you.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Sihana said:

I assume you have used this method, may I know how things went after?

Things went well, because I didn't argue with her. I stayed cheerful, I planted a seed, but I left it with her to consider instead of sticking around to allow things to go badly.

The larger issue is to claim your adulthood by acting like an adult who can model kindness even as you walk away. This prevents you from staying stuck in your old role as her adolescent child and squabbling over smaller points. 

If your Mom can bait you into small power-struggles, she wins. That's her way of getting and keeping your attention. Just like a kid, but now the roles are reversed. 

Her shift in viewing you differently won't happen overnight. It requires behavior changes from you that are consistent. Protect your privacy, stop trying to 'win' her approval, and just withdraw your presence when she acts like a brat. 

Reward her when she's being nice by spending time with her or staying on the phone with her. Whenever she's nice the whole time, reward her by making plans to see her again quickly.

The opposite is also true. When she tries to bait you by being nasty, be kind and tell her you love her, but you like nice-Mom a whole lot better. Then exit while telling her that you'd love to see her again soon. But don't make new plans or have phone convos for a longer time. Let her think about what she's done.

Head high, you can do this. It's called 'raising our parents'.

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

. Is the hostility also because you are both female ?

I was thinking along the same lines.  Like the mother can't, or doesn't want to accept her daughter is lesbian.

OP, catfeeder has given some brilliant advice.  Try it.

[Sihana]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Things went well, because I didn't argue with her. I stayed cheerful, I planted a seed, but I left it with her to consider instead of sticking around to allow things to go badly.

The larger issue is to claim your adulthood by acting like an adult who can model kindness even as you walk away. This prevents you from staying stuck in your old role as her adolescent child and squabbling over smaller points. 

If your Mom can bait you into small power-struggles, she wins. That's her way of getting and keeping your attention. Just like a kid, but now the roles are reversed. 

Her shift in viewing you differently won't happen overnight. It requires behavior changes from you that are consistent. Protect your privacy, stop trying to 'win' her approval, and just withdraw your presence when she acts like a brat. 

Reward her when she's being nice by spending time with her or staying on the phone with her. Whenever she's nice the whole time, reward her by making plans to see her again quickly.

The opposite is also true. When she tries to bait you by being nasty, be kind and tell her you love her, but you like nice-Mom a whole lot better. Then exit while telling her that you'd love to see her again soon. But don't make new plans or have phone convos for a longer time. Let her think about what she's done.

Head high, you can do this. It's called 'raising our parents'.

I must say that she does this thing were she tries to make me fight with her over my gf, I'm sad to admit that sometimes she accomplishes her purpose.

 

 

[Sihana]

13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I was thinking along the same lines.  Like the mother can't, or doesn't want to accept her daughter is lesbian.

OP, catfeeder has given some brilliant advice.  Try it.

I'm not sure if that's the case, but I should add that with every relationship I have been, it's always the same, also, my mother blames my current or past girlfriends with every decision I make that she doesn't like, it can be a new haircut, or buying a house, it is never my idea, it's somebody else´s like I don't have a personality.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Sihana said:

I must say that she does this thing were she tries to make me fight with her over my gf, I'm sad to admit that sometimes she accomplishes her purpose.

Mom may be jealous that GF has taken your focus away from herself. So use that. Spend more time with Mom whenever she's nice, and withdraw that time immediately whenever she turns nasty--and exit quickly, without feeding the beast.

Also, don't spend Mom's time discussing GF. It won't 'sell' her, it makes her competitive. Use discretion, and speak of GF only to people who encourage the relationship--not Mom. 

Sounds petty, but our most base fears and impulses tend to surface with family and drive behavior during times of stress. This is why we hear of disastrous fights around dating, weddings, holidays, deaths, leaving for college, and other major milestones.

If you think of Mom as regressing to a toddler as you mature and pull away from her, you can read any parenting book to manage her better.

How do we train toddlers? We reward good behavior with more attention and we cold-shoulder tantrums and acting out until the good appears again. You can be kind, but clarify that pleasure attracts you, pain repels you, and she gets to decide how much she wants to be included in your life.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sihana said:

I'm not sure if that's the case, but I should add that with every relationship I have been, it's always the same, also, my mother blames my current or past girlfriends with every decision I make that she doesn't like, it can be a new haircut, or buying a house, it is never my idea, it's somebody else´s like I don't have a personality.

Don’t play ball when she brings up inappropriate topics. It takes two. I have a friend who spent quite a lot of time trying to get info from me about a mutual friend. She stopped because I refused to contribute- I’d say “I don’t know ask her” or I’d give a vague half response. So be cheerful and stupid as Doctor joy Browne used to say. “Thanks so much for noticing my haircut ! Your hair looks good - I like (insert)” or “oh you know she actually wanted me to wear one of her Aunt’s wigs - but the one they decided not to bury her with - and I was like - hmmm that’s a little hairy”. Get it ??? 
Don’t engage in the rude part at all or get defensive. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So be cheerful and stupid as Doctor joy Browne used to say.

Yep! When you can stay cheerful, it's easy to go a bit dense and ignore a slight while you change the subject and the temperature of the room.

If she won't go along with that, you can stay dense and cheerfully say that you've gotta go. Kiss-kiss from across the room, and we'll talk soon.

No explanations. Just bye-bye, love-love, even while the message is, our time together is cut short because you've turned mean, and I'm not playing.

[tattoobunnie]

On 1/9/2023 at 3:16 PM, Sihana said:

My mother doesn't really know my girlfriend, and she doesn't try to know her, she just makes things up to prove herself right.

At the end of the day, do you plan to marry your mom and have kids with her?  Nope. I doubt that.  So, stop worrying about what your mom thinks.  Your mom hates everyone because she thinks they will take you away from her.  So once you can accept that, you are better off.

Plenty of people don't like their in-laws!

 

[left due to request]

I think we maybe be over-thinking this situation.  relationship between your spouse and your mother is commonly found to be troublesome and for years we've been joking about it.  Same sex or not, I think it's very common to see the discourse between your spouse and your own mother.   I think best solution is to avoid confrontation until you have a place of your own.