The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

[Frostypeach]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

He was never lovely to start with.

I advise you to seek therapy and unpack your self worth and daddy issues. I'm getting the feeling that you have not had an available or healthy father growing up, so you had no healthy example to draw from reg. men. But, I could be wrong. Whatever it is, therapy will be extremely helpful to you. You are worthy and deserve a healthy available partner. Take care 💚

I did have therapy but it’s way too espensive for me. I don’t think I have daddy issues, my dad has always been great. I just wanted to have a romance for once. And he’s the first guy I’ve ever felt a sexual attraction to as he wasn’t pushy with sex. ‘There’s no rush for sex. We can do it when you feel comfortable and ready.’ No guy has ever been so nice about that. Hope I feel it again.

[reinventmyself]

It doesn't appear that you were being respectful of yourself.  You accepted his bad behavior and made excuses for it.

If you aren't respectful of yourself first and you don't expect people to be so in return, you can't really be surprised that he never really respected you to begin with.  You gave and expected nothing in return.  It's all very altruistic, but it's not how romantic relationships work.

Aim a little higher next time and believe you deserve a reciprocal relationship.  Respect begins with you.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I just wanted to have a romance for once.

On the expense of what? Your time, energy, house, or car?

If your father is so great and attentive to your mom, then use the way he treats her and you as a basis to start from.

I do think you need therapy. It's expensive, but I bet it's still in total cheaper than that whole house move, petrol and date bills. Comon' lady. You deserve better.

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

It doesn't appear that you were being respectful of yourself.  You accepted his bad behavior and made excuses for it.

If you aren't respectful of yourself first and you don't expect people to be so in return, you can't really be surprised that he never really respected you to begin with.  You gave and expected nothing in return.  It's all very altruistic, but it's not how romantic relationships work.

Aim a little higher next time and believe you deserve a reciprocal relationship.  Respect begins with you.

I communicated it though. One night the realisation hit me. I kept hinting to him ‘it would be nice if you planned something. I like Christmas markets so maybe you could have a look.’ And then he didn’t do anything. 
 

so one night I phoned him up and told him how it made me feel. How I don’t appreciate plannjng everything and doing a lot for him and need his efforts. He promised me he would change.

 

again, nothing happened. And I started asking why and he would go all moody with me and start crying and saying I don’t understand how hard his life was. Then I stopped putting the effort in, apart from his birthday I made him a cake and bought him a few bits, didn’t spend much. And then I got dumped a few weeks later, when I was about to tell him I had no feelings for him and want to move to a friendship. We still laughed and had a good time 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

i don’t think a narcissist would come up and hug me right?

You would be surprised. Narcissist would do anything to get you "on the hook". Including hugging or even cuddling. What they lack is a genuine empathy and care for anyone but themselves. Your birthday is a perfect example. No care to even congratulate you and even said how its not your birthday. So yes, he might be narcissist.

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

On the expense of what? Your time, energy, house, or car?

If your father is so great and attentive to your mom, then use the way he treats her and you as a basis to start from.

I do think you need therapy. It's expensive, but I bet it's still in total cheaper than that whole house move, petrol and date bills. Comon' lady. You deserve better.

I dunno I had therapy for like 3 months. Now I cut guys off if they don’t offer to pay on first date, if they are too touchy on first date or want sex, if they are uncommunicative or take a long time to reply. I just send a message and say I’m not feeling it. I thought that’s good of me and a good mind set?

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

You would be surprised. Narcissist would do anything to get you "on the hook". Including hugging or even cuddling. What they lack is a genuine empathy and care for anyone but themselves. Your birthday is a perfect example. No care to even congratulate you and even said how its not your birthday. So yes, he might be narcissist.

But he’s not ever responded to a text message I’ve sent or tried to reach out himself. So I’m sure he’s not trying to keep me on the hook?

 

yeah the birthday thing was weird, don’t know why he looked so shocked it was my birthday. He even said ‘awhhh I feel bad.’

[reinventmyself]

6 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I communicated it though. One night the realisation hit me. I kept hinting to him ‘it would be nice if you planned something. I like Christmas markets so maybe you could have a look.’ And then he didn’t do anything. 
 

so one night I phoned him up and told him how it made me feel. How I don’t appreciate plannjng everything and doing a lot for him and need his efforts. He promised me he would change.

 

again, nothing happened. And I started asking why and he would go all moody with me and start crying and saying I don’t understand how hard his life was. Then I stopped putting the effort in, apart from his birthday I made him a cake and bought him a few bits, didn’t spend much. And then I got dumped a few weeks later, when I was about to tell him I had no feelings for him and want to move to a friendship. We still laughed and had a good time 

But from day one, this guy clearly showed you who he was.  You freely participated in it and at some point, well into the game it became uncomfortable.  Trying to change the terms after the fact is often pointless.  Though I do commend you for speaking up, he never intended on having an equitable relationship.  Next time pay close attention to what is standing right in front of you and make your choices based on that. . .and not hoping that somewhere down the line they'll turn into someone entirely different

[DarkCh0c0]

Just now, Flowerbee said:

I thought that’s good of me and a good mind set?

That's a good step forward. But the problem here is that you are still not acknowledging how badly you were treated by your ex, and it seems you would do it all over again with another guy if he just pays the bills.

4 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

One night the realisation hit me. I kept hinting to him ‘it would be nice if you planned something. I like Christmas markets so maybe you could have a look.’ And then he didn’t do anything

When someone doesn't treat you genuinely equally and makes you feel special, you don't ask him to do it. You don't have to "hint" a guy about his trash behaviour. You need to know that you are worth more than that and any man who doesn't consistently put in efforts is not worth your time. You need to learn to walk away.

Keep up the dating efforts and see how things go. Don't slowly play mother, therapist, or nurse to any man. Have some boundaries and take things slow.

[Kwothe28]

Just now, Flowerbee said:

But he’s not ever responded to a text message I’ve sent or tried to reach out himself. So I’m sure he’s not trying to keep me on the hook?

 

Again, you are not "useful" to him anymore. He hooked you up and then in the meantime found somebody else to feed his desires. If you were useful, he wouldnt leave and would "leech" you more. Consider yourself very lucky that is the case. And that he cant use you anymore.

Also, please delete and block this guy. He is genuinly a bad person and you should not have contact with him anymore.

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

But from day one, this guy clearly showed you who he was.  You freely participated in it and at some point, well into the game it became uncomfortable.  Trying to change the terms after the fact is often pointless.  Though I do commend you for speaking up, he never intended on having an equitable relationship.  Next time pay close attention to what is standing right in front of you and make your choices based on that. . .and not hoping that somewhere down the line they'll turn into someone entirely different

I think because he had just moved to the uk from Australia, I thought that was a reasonable excuse. I would find it hard moving so I put myself in his shoes. I was willing to wait for him to take me out and put effort in. I actually supported him for selfish reasons,like helping him find a new job and a new house so that he could then be more in a position to put in effort. I hope that doesn’t make me narcissistic? I had never dated someone from abroad before but if it was someone from the uk, I would absolutely not have entertained it.

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Again, you are not "useful" to him anymore. He hooked you up and then in the meantime found somebody else to feed his desires. If you were useful, he wouldnt leave and would "leech" you more. Consider yourself very lucky that is the case. And that he cant use you anymore.

Also, please delete and block this guy. He is genuinly a bad person and you should not have contact with him anymore.

He didn’t move onto anyone else though. However he had moved into a new house with a landlady who was taking him to the shop, making him tea when he was sick, taking him on nights out. She had a boyfriend so there was nothing there romantically but I wonder if he realised he got what he needed from her?

 

i was still putting in effort, but I had less energy. He was moaning to me about being bad at planning when I was just doing spontaneous things as I was tired at planning 
 

when I bumped into him the other day though, he was telling me how he hates the woman he lives with and they don’t get along well. He was very negative 

[reinventmyself]

7 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

 I actually supported him for selfish reasons,like helping him find a new job and a new house so that he could then be more in a position to put in effort. I hope that doesn’t make me narcissistic? 

No, it doesn't make you narcissistic.  But it does appear that you might have been attracted to a bird with broken wings.  It's not a good way to choose a partner.  Often times insecure people are attracted to with those with broken wings.  It feels secure in a not so healthy way that the bird can't fly away. 

Doing too much for someone in order to keep them isn't healthy either.   In turn you make them feel indebted. 

That's neither love nor loving.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

He didn’t move onto anyone else though. However he had moved into a new house with a landlady who was taking him to the shop, making him tea when he was sick, taking him on nights out. She had a boyfriend so there was nothing there romantically but I wonder if he realised he got what he needed from her?

You're so naive. Let me put it out there.

This man is some serious pos. He's toxic and full of red flags. She takes him out instead of you. He found your replacement girl!! He found another woman who gives him attention, free sex, free dates, ect. Can you see it now? He's getting an ego boost from another target.

12 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

when I bumped into him the other day though, he was telling me how he hates the woman he lives with and they don’t get along well. He was very negative 

So, you actually talked to him? This pos? Oh, and the best thing that came out of his mouth was a complaint about the woman who is generous with him!

Girl, he was doing that same talk about you with other people. I hope you realize that.

You seem very insistent on the fact he's some innocent God. If you can't acknowledge what a terrible partner he was to you, don't be surprised if you fall back in a similar relationship soon. My advice on getting therapy still stands.

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

No, it doesn't make you narcissistic.  But it does appear that you might have been attracted to a bird with broken wings.  It's not a good way to choose a partner.  Often times insecure people are attracted to with those with broken wings.  It feels secure in a not so healthy way that the bird can't fly away. 

Doing too much for someone in order to keep them isn't healthy either.   In turn you make them feel indebted. 

That's neither love nor loving.

Before him, I always went for guys with amazing jobs and I used to feel very feminine around them. Unfortunately those men weren’t looking for a relationship. With my ex I kinda felt like the man in the relationship. His feminine demeanour attracted me, I thought maybe going for someone like him would work for once 

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're so naive. Let me put it out there.

This man is some serious pos. He's toxic and full of red flags. She takes him out instead of you. He found your replacement girl!!

So, you actually talked to him? This pos? Oh, and the best thing that came out of his mouth was a complaint about the woman who is generous with him!

Girl, he was doing that same talk about you with other people. I hope you realize that.

You seem very insistent on the fact he's some innocent God. If you can't acknowledge what a terrible partner he was to you, don't be surprised if you fall back in a similar relationship soon. My advice on therapy still stands.

Awhhh I hope he didn’t talk bad about me. After the breakup, his best mate messaged me and said ‘just so you know, he only ever said nice things about you.’ 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Awhhh I hope he didn’t talk bad about me. After the breakup, his best mate messaged me and said ‘just so you know, he only ever said nice things about you.’ 

Really? This is all you care about? His best mate is not a good point of reference fyi. People who are similar hang out with each other. He threw it out there to sort of defend his mate and not to because he cares about you. He most probably lied about it too.

Girl, you've got too many issues going on. I'm sorry. You need some serious therapy if you want to keep dating.

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Awhhh I hope he didn’t talk bad about me. After the breakup, his best mate messaged me and said ‘just so you know, he only ever said nice things about you.’ 

Also I had this scenario in my head all planned out, that if I ever saw him again, I would tell him he’s a POS and treated me badly and other horrible things. Instead, he came up and hugged me, i stared at him in shock. But then I got all chatty and friendly and nice. It did feel weird talking to him as he was slightly tearful too. He had grown his hair long as well and wanted to show me

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Really? This is all you care about? His best mate is not a good point of reference fyi. People who are similar hang out with each other. He threw it out there to sort of defend his mate and not to because he cares about you. He most probably lied about it too.

Girl, you've got too many issues going on. I'm sorry. You need some serious therapy if you want to keep dating.

No I don’t have issues I would say. I defo got hurt. The breakup was in March so I’ve made this post to finally clear my head before the new year. 
 

I’ve moved to a new place, got a new job etc, I’m very independent. I’ve not dated to allow time to heal. I’m just reflecting on his behaviour so I don’t fall for the same traps. Now I would never date someone who doesn’t have a job, 

he was the first guy I’ve ever had sex with as no one else did it for me, so I think that’s the only reason why I stayed. I didn’t stay with him for support or emotional support, I got that from my friends and I’m very self sufficient. 
 

my therapist said I was maybe love bombed and it’s normal to feel this way. I feel confident now in myself and my values. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Also I had this scenario in my head all planned out, that if I ever saw him again, I would tell him he’s a POS and treated me badly and other horrible things. Instead, he came up and hugged me, i stared at him in shock. But then I got all chatty and friendly and nice. It did feel weird talking to him as he was slightly tearful too. He had grown his hair long as well and wanted to show me

With all due respect...so what?

You obviously still care what he thinks of you. And you still seem to think you can get him to want to date you again.

So here's the deal...offer to financially support him. Offer to pay for everything. Offer to move him into your home and don't charge him rent. Buy him whatever he wants. If he gets a job, don't complain when he spends all his money on things for himself. Don't complain if he goes out without you and starts staying out all night. Don't get mad if he starts bringing people over all the time. Don't even complain if he starts bringing women home to stay over. And definitely don't get mad if he tells you to pretend you're his sister or cousin. 

You could do all that to try to "keep" him, but at what cost?

As you can see, it's just not worth it.

Side note, have you removed him from your car insurance? Please remove him today if you haven't already.

[Frostypeach]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

With all due respect...so what?

You obviously still care what he thinks of you. And you still seem to think you can get him to want to date you again.

So here's the deal...offer to financially support him. Offer to pay for everything. Offer to move him into your home and don't charge him rent. Buy him whatever he wants. If he gets a job, don't complain when he spends all his money on things for himself. Don't complain if he goes out without you and starts staying out all night. Don't get mad if he starts bringing people over all the time. Don't even complain if he starts bringing women home to stay over. And definitely don't get mad if he tells you to pretend you're his sister or cousin. 

You could do all that to try to "keep" him, but at what cost?

As you can see, it's just not worth it.

Side note, have you removed him from your car insurance? Please remove him today if you haven't already.

Yes I removed him. 
 

all through my 20s, it’s been hard because you meet a guy you like. And then he would ask you to come over to his instead of a date. And I always said no, and then they would never speak to you again even if you suggest ‘maybe we could go out for a coffee in the day?’

I’ve always felt a bit doomed as other women find nice men so easily. So when my ex wanted to do things during the day, I thought this was a good thing. I was like ‘omg a guy wants to hang out in the day.’

 

im 27 now and hoping that it’s not too late. I thought someone would have made an effort by now if it was going to happen 

 

 

 

[WalterSobcha]

2 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

I'd say you should have dumped him a long time before he did.

From what you've described, he really isn't "the loveliest guy", far from it. You seem like a nice person and I think you should work on your self esteem issues, because there's no way anyone could reasonably tolerate this kind of behaviour from their partner. You deserve better!

You were also giving him way too much slack about being broke and "not being able to find his first job as an actor". So his plan is to become a professional actor and to sit on his bum doing nothing until it happens? (which, for most people, of course won't happen... so many people want to be actors, and so few make it)

You're definitely not too old, keep meeting new people (outside of dating apps if possible) and respect yourself more.

[Frostypeach]

11 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

I'd say you should have dumped him a long time before he did.

From what you've described, he really isn't "the loveliest guy", far from it. You seem like a nice person and I think you should work on your self esteem issues, because there's no way anyone could reasonably tolerate this kind of behaviour from their partner. You deserve better!

You were also giving him way too much slack about being broke and "not being able to find his first job as an actor". So his plan is to become a professional actor and to sit on his bum doing nothing until it happens? (which, for most people, of course won't happen... so many people want to be actors, and so few make it)

You're definitely not too old, keep meeting new people (outside of dating apps if possible) and respect yourself more.

He did have a job but it didn’t pay much.

i felt like he started to resent me. I don’t know why he still let me come and stay for the weekend when he was wanting to dump me haha. People are so weird. He stopped looking after himself, he started to smell a bit weird and didn’t clean his teeth before bed. Sometimes I wonder if he was trying to make me not like him!

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

No I don’t have issues I would say. I defo got hurt. The breakup was in March so I’ve made this post to finally clear my head before the new year. 

Yes you do. The break up was in March, yet 9 months later you still think he is the loveliest guy you ever met.

This guy didn't even plan the first date!!! You talk about how he took his time when it comes to having sex, but this is how it should be at the bare minimum in a relationship. It's not some favour he's done to you.

And, instead of asking us about your current dating life, you wrote a whole essay about how he treated you. You're clearly still thinking about him and you're not over him. You still carry that baggage. No wonder you don't have better luck with men.

Hopefully as you move forward, you take things slow and read back this post and our answers to spot red flags you might miss again.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

im 27 now and hoping that it’s not too late. I thought someone would have made an effort by now if it was going to happen

You're only 27. You're in your prime years. Enjoy dating and don't always take it too seriously. Have fun with it. You will find your next relationship when it's meant to be.

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yes you do. The break up was in March, yet 9 months later you still think he is the loveliest guy you ever met.

This guy didn't even plan the first date!!! You talk about how he took his time when it comes to having sex, but this is how it should be at the bare minimum in a relationship. It's not some favour he's done to you.

And, instead of asking us about your current dating life, you wrote a whole essay about how he treated you. You're clearly still thinking about him and you're not over him. You still carry that baggage. No wonder you don't have better luck with men.

Hopefully as you move forward, you take things slow and read back this post and our answers to spot red flags you might miss again.

You're only 27. You're in your prime years. Enjoy dating and don't always take it too seriously. Have fun with it. You will find your next relationship when it's meant to be.

I dont think he is the loveliest now. I wrote the paragraph because I realise the *** he did for me. Nothing. I at the time thought he was the loveliest, but in retrospect he wasn’t. Unfortunately I didn’t realise this in the relationship, only after I read that paragraph back and I’m like, he’s disgusting