How to get over the fact that my life with him would have been way more interesting and happy?

[Chaeryoung]

I (25F) had a short term relationship (actually more of a situationship) with a guy (27M). He wasn't in that phase of life in which he felt ready to commit, so we parted ways almost three weeks ago. 

What really hurts me is that during these three months I tried many new things with him and I cannot prevent myself from imagining how good would my life have been with him by my side. 

He is passionate about hiking, climbing, traveling. He is also very talented at drawing and at playing the guitar. All these things fascinated me. I never got to experience what it is like to spend time with someone you care about and do things together. My only relationship prior to this was long distance and never got the chance to see how it actually feels like to be with someone who is close to you and someone who is that interesting and full of life. I really enjoyed the feeling and the person as well. 

During one of our hikes, he told me that maybe in the future we'll go climbing together with his friends and I was so enthusiastic about it. 

All my dreams and hopes crumbled when he somehow let me know that things cannot continue between us. 

Well, I know that my life is my own responsibility and I should make it as interesting as I can, yet I cannot stop ruminating on what ifs, especially since he told me that he would have liked to have experiences together with me. 

It hurts to be discarded so easily, and although this will sound selfish or mean, it hurts that while I am here suffering, he goes through life just fine, as if nothing happened. 

I really needed to vent. Maybe someone has gone through something similar and can offer some healthy advice. My hurt kind of blurs my rationality right now. 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

actually more of a situationship

Keep this mind when you get too nostalgic about the coulda-beens. 

Something wasn't quite right if you two didn't actually date. So the future you think could have been likely would have sucked. Sure, you'd have some common interests but not the other right ingredients to make a relationship work. It wouldn't have been the fulfilling life you dream of, nor the happy relationship you want. 

If you're being honest with yourself, was it really that great if you're currently describing it as "situationship"?

[Chaeryoung]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Keep this mind when you get too nostalgic about the coulda-beens. 

Something wasn't quite right if you two didn't actually date. So the future you think could have been likely would have sucked. Sure, you'd have some common interests but not the other right ingredients to make a relationship work. It wouldn't have been the fulfilling life you dream of, nor the happy relationship you want. 

If you're being honest with yourself, was it really that great if you're currently describing it as "situationship"?

We acted like a couple, did relationship stuff together, but didn't label it. During all this time we were exclusive. I saw the investment on his part, but I did indeed saw the reticence as well. He didn't want to commit. 

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

I did indeed saw the reticence as well. He didn't want to commit. 

Keep that in mind, then. It wasn't going to become a relationship. 

You wouldn't have been happy with a guy who didn't exactly want to be there in the ways that matter most. 

[Jaunty]

Well, he was "good on paper" but not there for the relationship you need and want.  Your life definitely would not have been happy with a man who was lukewarm about being in a relationship with you.  Every day would have been fraught with doubt and it probably would have done a number on your self esteem which would take a long time to repair.  Also it would have ended, just like it did, only worse because your investment would have been more extensive.

If you can change your mindset about this, you can use it all to your benefit.  If you loved what you did together, like the hiking, you can pursue this.  There are very vital groups of people who hike & climb together and also a lot of spectacular trips you can book based around those things.  

Also you've learned the benefit of having a relationship with a person who is physically nearby, with whom you can do activities.  Keep this up and don't do the LDR thing any more.

General observation:  I believe that people who are drawn to LDR's are actually setting up distance on purpose, though subconsciously.   It seems that you made some progress, moving from LDR's to this "situationship."  The distance still existed, though, because this man was not emotionally available.  A very good step, though.  Keep moving in this direction.  

[DarkCh0c0]

42 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

He didn't want to commit

So he wasn't that into you. Yet, you kept giving him yourself, your time, your attention, and commitment.

Next time, stick with a man who's on the same page as you in terms of relationship status. Don't stick around in a situationship hoping it'll become something it's not. A man who's truly into you would not risk losing you.

I think you're better off without him, even if it's hard for you to see it now. Hopefully, the next guy you'll date will want the same things as you. Don't settle for any less than that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

 it hurts that while I am here suffering, he goes through life just fine, as if nothing happened.

While playboys like are a lot of fun while they last, they're not BF material. You dodged a bullet in the long run.

Consider it a fun interesting fling and just like a vacation, it doesn't last. He'll use the same routine over and over.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

It hurts to be discarded so easily, and although this will sound selfish or mean, it hurts that while I am here suffering, he goes through life just fine, as if nothing happened. 

 

Yes, because dumper gets through it more easily because they already decided to discard you. Dumpee is there to pick up the pieces. Additionally, in your case, he never wanted a relationship with you. Just a casual fling. So, it was really easy for him to do it. It happens. You shouldnt have bonded with him that much if you knew it was casual the whole time. Take it as a lesson and move on. Its harder because its your first real relationship. But you should be fine after a while.

Additionally, if you like hiking, you dont need him to enjoy that activity. Join a hiking club. Do some events with them. Who knows, maybe you meet somebody interesting again. 

[Chaeryoung]

I appreciate very much your responses and perspectives. Thank you a lot! I cannot tell you how much it actually helps reading objective views upon the situation. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

I cannot prevent myself from imagining ...

All my dreams and hopes crumbled when ...

My heart goes out to you. The hardest thing to grieve can be the illusions we invent with our own mind.

This isn't dismissive of the real pain, it's to point out that you were in love with hope.

That's not about the guy at all, it's what you created 'around' him.

He disabused you of your illusions, and dis-illusion-ment is harsh but beneficial.

Someone pointed out that you've made a degree of progress by ditching the LDR thing. Another step forward would be to screen men carefully and up front to learn whether they view themselves as committed relationship material.

When that answer is "No" or "I don't know," you can say that it was great to meet him, and you really like him, but you've come to know yourself well enough to realize that a real relationship is what you're seeking. He can let you know if he ever comes to seek the same thing, but otherwise you wish him the best.

Boom! Done. You've left your door open a crack, but you've freed yourself to keep seeking a man who knows what he wants, and it's a vision that you share, and that moves you one step closer to finding WHAT YOU WANT instead of wasting your time on trying to 'convert' a wrong match.

Head high, grieve, heal, and if you'd find it helpful to write more, please do so. 

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. The hardest thing to grieve can be the illusions we invent with our own mind.

This isn't dismissive of the real pain, it's to point out that you were in love with hope.

That's not about the guy at all, it's what you created 'around' him.

He disabused you of your illusions, and dis-illusion-ment is harsh but beneficial.

Someone pointed out that you've made a degree of progress by ditching the LDR thing. Another step forward would be to screen men carefully and up front to learn whether they view themselves as committed relationship material.

When that answer is "No" or "I don't know," you can say that it was great to meet him, and you really like him, but you've come to know yourself well enough to realize that a real relationship is what you're seeking. He can let you know if he ever comes to seek the same thing, but otherwise you wish him the best.

Boom! Done. You've left your door open a crack, but you've freed yourself to keep seeking a man who knows what he wants, and it's a vision that you share, and that moves you one step closer to finding WHAT YOU WANT instead of wasting your time on trying to 'convert' a wrong match.

Head high, grieve, heal, and if you'd find it helpful to write more, please do so. 

Thank you a lot for your words! ❤️ Thank you all! 

[Cherylyn]

Be careful what you wish for.  I've known women who married very adventurous husbands and while that's all well and good, beware because sometimes there's a selfish streak there whenever you don't wish to travel, hike and climb.  He may very well go without you and not agree to do what you want to do and when.  There's only so much of the constant on-the-go lifestyle you can do before it becomes a bit much.  (Example:  My late father would often go snow skiing faraway while leaving his wife and small children at home!  Talk about selfish!  😡)   Instead of your slowing down, he prefers to speed things up at a hyperactive out-the-door pace.  Or, when there are times when you want to hunker down or be more house bound especially if you have a very young family, for example. 

When he told you that things cannot continue between both of you, he rejected you.  You don't want to be with a guy who prefers to release you from his life.  He doesn't think you matter that much to him which is your harsh reality check.  He doesn't love you to the extent of being committed to you.  Once you focus on his finality on his terms, then his passions for traveling, hiking and climbing do not include you.  At this point, say, "Good riddance" and be relieved not to be with a guy who prioritizes traveling, hiking and climbing over you.  It's your wake up call.