How to come to terms with being ghosted in a long term relationship.

[Sash12]

To make a long story short, I have been in a relationship for 2  1/2 years.  1 1/2 years of those have been long distance.  Every thing was great, we communicated throughout the day, every day.  He recently went overseas to get away from the harsh Canadian winter.  I had a really hard time with the change, the time difference, and the lack of communication.  I admit that I did not make things easy for us during this time.  He has been there for a month now, and I have not heard from him in 10 days.  He got upset at me after calling him and crying and being upset about some guy making a rude/racist comment to me while out with my girlfriends.  At first he was comforting, then suddenly got so upset at me.  Accusing me of always going out with my friends, drinking, while he is there trying to better himself for us.  He has some deep-rooted issues that he was trying to workout while away overseas, since he was finally mentally and physically starting to feel better (he has been suffering from some health issues for the past 10 years).  I just can't believe that someone that I've planned my life out with could suddenly do this.  Like I meant nothing to him, all the time we've shared meant nothing.  And to make things worse, he and my 10 year old son were very close.  I am at a total loss for words and don't know how to accept this.  I feel so much despair.  How could he not even let me know it was over, or what ever it is he was going through.  This is so much out of his character.  

[MissCanuck]

Something is really off. 

I would be beside myself if my boyfriend dropped off the radar for 10 days. Had you been trying to reach him in that time? 

2 hours ago, Sash12 said:

I admit that I did not make things easy for us during this time. 

What does this mean? 

And I wonder about the greater context here. Where did he go, and for how long? Whom with? 

2 hours ago, Sash12 said:

He has some deep-rooted issues that he was trying to workout while away overseas

What issues, and why would these be better addressed overseas? What exactly is he doing to overcome these issues abroad? 

[boltnrun]

So you two were together for a full year in person before he moved away? How far away did he move to originally? And how far away is he now?

How often do you two see one another in person after he moved? Who travels to whom?

Did he say for sure the relationship was over or did he just stop responding to your messages and calls?

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry that happened. I would assume he nost likely found somebody there and just use this as an excuse.

Anyway

Quote

 

Is ghosting a red flag?

NO.

Ghosting is the result of ignoring red flags.

Ghosting is an expression of inconsideration, a lack of empathy, love or care, and self-centeredness.

A person that's able to ghost you does not care about you. Not in the slightest.

A person that doesn't care about you will express that throughout the relationship, whether it be subtlely or blatantly.

It's those red flags that you either didn't pick up on, or ignored.

Although, if you choose to take the ghoster back when they resurface,

Then it can be considered a burgundy flag.

There's not a bigger red flag known to mankind.

Sidenote:

Silent treatments fall in the same category.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Sash12 said:

He recently went overseas to get away from the harsh Canadian winter

By himself? Was it for work? How long did he say it'll be for?

You're supposed to be a team. This doesn't sound like a decision that serves you guys as a team. It sounds like a decision that serves his needs only.

3 hours ago, Sash12 said:

He has been there for a month now, and I have not heard from him in 10 days. 

What the... And he makes you feel guilty for checking in on him??! What if he died? What if you need him? There are two people in this relationship. Sheesh I wonder what he's doing there. Other gf would probably be answer. You're naively believing in his lies and stories.

3 hours ago, Sash12 said:

This is so much out of his character

Not really. You probably ignored or brushed away what were actual red flags. 

I'm so so sorry this is happening. That's painful, but good riddance. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Ever. For whatever reason it is. Please revoke his access to your money, cards, home, ect. Block him everywhere. You need to take care and love yourself and your kiddo now 💚

[Sash12]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Something is really off. 

I would be beside myself if my boyfriend dropped off the radar for 10 days. Had you been trying to reach him in that time? 

What does this mean? 

And I wonder about the greater context here. Where did he go, and for how long? Whom with? 

What issues, and why would these be better addressed overseas? What exactly is he doing to overcome these issues abroad? 

Yes, I am totally besides myself.  We have always had such a deep relationship.  I have tried calling him via video call, because that's how we've had to communicate since he's been overseas.  And it seems like he blocked me on there.  We also text via WhatpsApp.  I've sent him a few messages and the last one I sent that I know he read was on Saturday.  He read it and did not respond.  I sent another text last night and he did not read it or has not logged in to his WhatsApp.  So he was going to Asia for about 4 months, just to be away from the harsh winter.  He has lived there many years before so it was like a second home to him.  The plan was, he was going to go there, do some golfing, eat some food, and just do his normal stuff like watch Netflix.  The issues he has are dealing with extreme headaches that are caused by pressure change in the weather.  I have seen it first hand and know it is brutal.  It would totally debilitate him to where he would not be able to do anything at all.  So he has suffered this last winter there, and he did not want to do it again this year.  So now that he is in Asia, no harsh weather there and he if finally feeling well mentally and physically.  

[Sash12]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So you two were together for a full year in person before he moved away? How far away did he move to originally? And how far away is he now?

How often do you two see one another in person after he moved? Who travels to whom?

Did he say for sure the relationship was over or did he just stop responding to your messages and calls?

So yes, we were together for a full year before he moved...during the pandemic.  So we were with each other all day, every day.  It was great.  He went back home to Canada, which only has a 1 hour time difference and only a 3 hour flight away from me.  I have visited him many times while he was there.  He was not able to come to see me due to immigration issues. Otherwise he would've been back here for good.  He did not say the relationship was over...which is what is making me so crazy.  The last time we spoke on 12/2, he said he would call me the next day after his golf game, after he has had some time to think about stuff.  Never heard from him since.  Not even a, "we're over", or, "i need more time" or anything.  I have tried calling him via video call and it seems like maybe he blocked me.  I know he is going through  his own things right now, but to not even say a word to me?  It is so not him.  I have texted him and I know he's seen at least one of my messages but did not respond.  We text via WhatsApp so I can see when he last logged on.  I know he doesn't talk to anyone else on there, so I don't know why he even still has it if he wants to cut off all communication with me.  I'm trying to wrap my head around how he can go from calling me his wife, to all of a sudden saying nothing.  Makes absolutely no sense.

[Sash12]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry that happened. I would assume he nost likely found somebody there and just use this as an excuse.

Anyway

 

Well that's the thing.  If he said that he found someone else, ok.  I would be devastated but I would accept it.  But he is not like that.  He is not one to fool around or go seeking other people.  I know that may be hard to believe, but he is just not like that.  He has always been honest with me...brutally.  But who knows, maybe I am just in denial here.

[Sash12]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

By himself? Was it for work? How long did he say it'll be for?

You're supposed to be a team. This doesn't sound like a decision that serves you guys as a team. It sounds like a decision that serves his needs only.

What the... And he makes you feel guilty for checking in on him??! What if he died? What if you need him? There are two people in this relationship. Sheesh I wonder what he's doing there. Other gf would probably be answer. You're naively believing in his lies and stories.

Not really. You probably ignored or brushed away what were actual red flags. 

I'm so so sorry this is happening. That's painful, but good riddance. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Ever. For whatever reason it is. Please revoke his access to your money, cards, home, ect. Block him everywhere. You need to take care and love yourself and your kiddo now 💚

I totally see your point.  Maybe I have been ignoring the red flags.  But when he was in Canada, he would call me ALL the time, and I would call him all the time.  Like anytime he was in the car, or anytime something happened, etc.  So there's never been anything that he's hidden from me.  This is why I'm struggling so much about this.  He was always there when I needed him, and I was always there when he needed me.  No questions asked.  We had our future goals and plans.  I've never given him a dime.  If anything, he was the one to help me with thing.   I know I need to somehow accept what has happened and try to move on.  But how the hell do you just move on from something like this with no closure?  He as my end all be all.  The one that I said everything in may past happened for me to meet him.  Ridiculous right?

[boltnrun]

What country are you in that he couldn't visit from Canada? Did you pay all the travel expenses yourself or did he help?

I'm sorry, but I would guess he met someone in the country he's in now and is too cowardly to tell you. 

Closure happens when you accept someone is not right for you. This guy isn't the one. 

[Sash12]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What country are you in that he couldn't visit from Canada? Did you pay all the travel expenses yourself or did he help?

I'm sorry, but I would guess he met someone in the country he's in now and is too cowardly to tell you. 

Closure happens when you accept someone is not right for you. This guy isn't the one. 

I am in the US.  But he couldn't come back here for a bit because he was banned due to overstaying during the pandemic, so I would go and visit him.  He always paid for the expenses when I would go to visit him.  At this point, if he did meet someone else in the country he was in, I would gladly accept it.  But the not knowing is absolutely horrible.  In my gut I do not think that is the case, I don't think he met someone else.  But I could be wrong.  I just can't understand why someone would ghost you after 2 1/2 years together.  He wouldn't even necessarily need to give me an explanation.  Just a simple F Off would've done it.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Sash12 said:

I just can't understand why someone would ghost you after 2 1/2 years together.  He wouldn't even necessarily need to give me an explanation.  Just a simple F Off would've done it.

And that is why it's clear he's not the right one for you. A man who is devoted and committed to his relationship with you would never just disappear. Especially since you know he read your messages.

I'm sorry, I know this is very painful.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Sash12 said:

maybe I am just in denial here

I would say so, yes. 

It sounds very much like there is someone in Asia he is trying to hide you from. It is not normal to suddenly disappear from one's relationship. And that in and of itself would be a deal-breaker for me. It's a horrible way to treat someone. 

I'm sorry. I think there is a lot you don't know about what he's really up to there. 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, Sash12 said:

 I know I need to somehow accept what has happened and try to move on.  But how the hell do you just move on from something like this with no closure?  He as my end all be all.  The one that I said everything in may past happened for me to meet him.  Ridiculous right?

It is. It's frustrating and heartbreaking.

I think once you come to terms to accept that what you're seeing now is part of who he really is, you'll see him in a different light and you'll be repulsed. You should get to an anger stage and be fuming! How dare he do this to you? What kind of human being is he to do this to you?! If he ever calls you back, you don't respond. You don't deserve this and don't put up with this again. You block him too everywhere and refuse to be treated like this by anyone anymore.

4 hours ago, Sash12 said:

am in the US.  But he couldn't come back here for a bit because he was banned due to overstaying during the pandemic, so I would go and visit him

Can you elaborate more on this? Did he sort of get stuck at or moved in to your place during the pandemic? Cause the more I read, the more I see it as if you were some temporary plan he fell back on until he's fully went back to his home country. I could be wrong though. And what was the long term plan for both of you? Him staying and finding a job in the US for example?

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Sash12 said:

But he is not like that.

Everytime I heard those words or the famous "There is no somebody else" from the other side, there was somebody else. I know that you are maybe in a denial stage, but the option that makes most sense is usually the truth. Asian country, him blocking you, it kinda goes along perfectly with narrative that he found somebody and decided to cut ties with you. Again, sorry it happened.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, Sash12 said:

So he was going to Asia for about 4 months, just to be away from the harsh winter.  He has lived there many years before so it was like a second home to him.  The plan was, he was going to go there, do some golfing, eat some food, and just do his normal stuff like watch Netflix. 

I'm sorry, but the more I read about his trips, the more I'm afraid this man has a double life and you were some temporary fix. It's cruel, I know. And I know this as I was involved with an Asia loving expat who lied to me for years about his true intentions on where he wanted to settle in life. He told me what I wanted to hear for years until he finally and out of the blue told me that he didn't want the same thing as me and that he lied cause he knew it was a deal-breaker for me(in my case, he wanted me to stay with him and act like a spare wheel in his life). I pity him. There are people who do that and my old friend had warned me about him, but I was so stubborn and naive and brushed off her comment.

Right now you need to block him for treating you like this and cut his access to your house, finances, ect. Change the house locks if he has a spare key. Once you're at the anger stage, take all his stuff and dump them in the trash. He does not deserve you.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And that is why it's clear he's not the right one for you. A man who is devoted and committed to his relationship with you would never just disappear. Especially since you know he read your messages.

I'm sorry, I know this is very painful.

Yes - you say you have a "deep" relationship but the depth apparently doesn't concern basic common courtesy and showing he cares about you - because a person who had those qualities would never ever leave you hanging in this way for 10 days.  Deep is lovely - those deep talks/deep connection but especially with long distance (my husband and I were for about 2 of the 3 years we dated before marriage) - you need to have reliability -like even if you don't talk every day-you talk X number of times a week, at this time -and if it can't be that time you communicate about rescheduling. 

My husband and I spoke for about 20-40 minutes every night around 9-10pm that we didn't see each other (worked with the one hour time difference).  And -absolutely if I hadn't heard from him even for a day (never happened) with no explanation I'd have been beside myself that he wasn't ok - and I'd have called mutual friends most likely after a day or less!

In the 17 years we've been together there was one time he wasn't in touch when I thought he should have been and that was the only time I had a concern it was because there was something not right with us- on his end.  That lasted about 6 hours during one day.  We had plans to meet that night. We'd been dating 6 months or so and were very serious.

Turned out he got caught up in extra unplanned work meetings (I didn't have a cell then -he did).  One time -6 hours - 17 years.  I was not beside myself of course but I remember that inescure feeling because it was so very unusual.  That's how rare it should be IMO.

[Sash12]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And that is why it's clear he's not the right one for you. A man who is devoted and committed to his relationship with you would never just disappear. Especially since you know he read your messages.

I'm sorry, I know this is very painful.

It is extremely painful and hard to accept.  Thank you for your kind words.

[Sash12]

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It is. It's frustrating and heartbreaking.

I think once you come to terms to accept that what you're seeing now is part of who he really is, you'll see him in a different light and you'll be repulsed. You should get to an anger stage and be fuming! How dare he do this to you? What kind of human being is he to do this to you?! If he ever calls you back, you don't respond. You don't deserve this and don't put up with this again. You block him too everywhere and refuse to be treated like this by anyone anymore.

Can you elaborate more on this? Did he sort of get stuck at or moved in to your place during the pandemic? Cause the more I read, the more I see it as if you were some temporary plan he fell back on until he's fully went back to his home country. I could be wrong though. And what was the long term plan for both of you? Him staying and finding a job in the US for example?

I am starting to get to that anger stage. I am so pissed that he could not only do this to me, but my son also.  He knows how much he means to my son.  I just cannot believe someone can be so heartless like that.  

So he overstayed in the US during Covid lockdown.  He had his own place that he was renovating. He eventually moved in with me and we lived together for a little over a year.  He went back to Canada to do some things for his family, and the plan was that he was going to stay there for a few months and come back.  But when he tried to come back, the US border denied him entry.  A bunch of immigration BS.  We had clear long term goals.  We never had a doubt in our minds that we'd be married, etc.  Until now I guess.  

[Sash12]

6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry, but the more I read about his trips, the more I'm afraid this man has a double life and you were some temporary fix. It's cruel, I know. And I know this as I was involved with an Asia loving expat who lied to me for years about his true intentions on where he wanted to settle in life. He told me what I wanted to hear for years until he finally and out of the blue told me that he didn't want the same thing as me and that he lied cause he knew it was a deal-breaker for me(in my case, he wanted me to stay with him and act like a spare wheel in his life). I pity him. There are people who do that and my old friend had warned me about him, but I was so stubborn and naive and brushed off her comment.

Right now you need to block him for treating you like this and cut his access to your house, finances, ect. Change the house locks if he has a spare key. Once you're at the anger stage, take all his stuff and dump them in the trash. He does not deserve you.

I have thought about this a lot.  That maybe he's found someone there, had someone there, etc.  But he has not been there in a decade.  And he has never given me a reason to question him, until now.  As you can see from my responses...I am still in the denial stage.  Everyone says that time heals all wounds...yes I know that is true.  But in the mean time, how do you go on with every day life when you are constantly thinking about this?  It's not only the betrayal, but it really makes you question yourself.  I gave this man everything and did just about anything for him, and yet it was not enough.  

[boltnrun]

I think he met someone in Canada and then went to Asia to spend more time with her. He picked a petty fight with you as an excuse. That way he could avoid an awkward conversation during which you'd likely cry, ask questions and "make" him feel like an a-hole (which he likely was, at least in this situation).

I was in a relationship with someone for four years, lived together (until I got my own place but we stayed together) and he broke up with me via a five am two sentence email. So, yeah. Oh, and he had also found someone else and was too chicken to tell me.

I got on with my life by focusing on my kids and by leaning on friends and family for support. Yes, I thought about it a lot but as time went on it got better. Today, I wouldn't take the guy back if he begged me.

You'll get there.

[DarkCh0c0]

39 minutes ago, Sash12 said:

It's not only the betrayal, but it really makes you question yourself.  I gave this man everything and did just about anything for him, and yet it was not enough

But it's not a question of whether you are enough. It's HIM who acted like a complete cruel dishonest pos. What he's done says a lot about his low character. And some people are really good liars... So I'm sure he has lied and he's still lying about what he's doing abroad.

Take care of you. Release the anger. But whatever you do, don't let him come near your heart, house, nor kid. He belongs to the street. I'm so sorry 💚

[Sash12]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think he met someone in Canada and then went to Asia to spend more time with her. He picked a petty fight with you as an excuse. That way he could avoid an awkward conversation during which you'd likely cry, ask questions and "make" him feel like an a-hole (which he likely was, at least in this situation).

I was in a relationship with someone for four years, lived together (until I got my own place but we stayed together) and he broke up with me via a five am two sentence email. So, yeah. Oh, and he had also found someone else and was too chicken to tell me.

I got on with my life by focusing on my kids and by leaning on friends and family for support. Yes, I thought about it a lot but as time went on it got better. Today, I wouldn't take the guy back if he begged me.

You'll get there.

Thank you!  I am just amazed at how cowardly people can be, especially those that you think you knew so well.  It kind of takes your ability to trust people away.  

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're going through this. 

It sounds like he's cooked up quite an elaborate story about why he's gone and what exactly he's doing there, and then staged a fight as his exit. 

When was the last time you had actually seen each other in person? 

[boltnrun]

39 minutes ago, Sash12 said:

Thank you!  I am just amazed at how cowardly people can be, especially those that you think you knew so well.  It kind of takes your ability to trust people away.  

Don't stop trusting everyone. This is one person who, when it came time to step up and be a mature adult, chose not to. It's not a "people thing" at all.