My Ongoing Journey To a Happier Life, Taken Stride By Stride

[Agrajag]

Lol annie,

There's a popular mexican saying "one nail pushes out another" or one person replaces another. So...soo true.

 

I'm still looking for the second nail. The first one has already fallen out and the new nail is running a bit behind.

[Mr. Sub]

Hey Agrajag,

 

I totally can relate how you feel. My girl left me and went back to her ex a month ago. It is difficult not to think what she is doing and up to. You want to move on but can't. Like I have seen this beautiful girl at the gym many time, whom has a greater smile, more beautiful face and nicer body. Yet i still beg my ex to come back.

 

I know it is hard to imagine your ex being with someone else. I know first hand, one time i call her and she was still in bed with him. Yeah, it hurts, but what can you do.

 

You know what, maybe I should go up and talk to this girl at the gym. Like you should talk to the girls at the cafe. Don't think of it as a rebound. If you really try to love someone, you will fall in love again.

[Agrajag]

.: Day VIII of NO CONTACT June 9th, 2005

 

I was wondering If there would be some way to help get out the emotions I am feeling and the worries about how/what she's doing.

 

I want to write her a letter. *dodges stones and incoming debris*

The song idea cannot happen for a number of reasons and I feel that it may just be too painful to work through, at least at this point. However, I could get out everything I've been feeling – everything that has made me cry – out into a letter. I could give it to her whenever NC is finally finished. I could write about what I'm thinking, feeling, and what I've learned. I would aim to make her feel magnificent by the time she's finished reading it – be it in 2 or 3 years, whenever it is I get a chance to talk to her.

 

As for a general update: last night sucked. I heard word that she's feeling great because she doesn't have to get stressed out about me, which didn't make me feel very good; and that she's trying her best to move on and stick with her plan but there's a 'new element that has entered the equation that is making it more difficult'.

 

*blink*

 

My first guess was it had something to do with her 'new guy'. The last I heard was she'd talked to him saying nothing was possible between them and that she didn't want to sleep with him. She does want to stay being his friend and she can't understand why I had a problem with that – duh.

 

Anyways, I woke up 2 hours before I had planned giving me a whopping 5½ hours of sleep last night. I woke up to the shear pain and throbbing images of her, literally – 'taking him in'. *swears continuously, #$@*%$@* I thought I was past that. *groan* I hope to god she's alright. I sure hope he's keeping his hands to himself too. I don't know what to do about that – it was defiantly not a pleasant night.

[Agrajag]

.: Day VIII of NO CONTACT June 9th, 2005

 

II had a bit of a relapse of some of that metal imagery. Mostly because of the nightmares I had last night. (Now I get to read the chat log again to figure out what the dialogue was – oh fun, lucky me; some little light reading. I better get the Kleenex box ready again.)

 

I was talking to a 'friend' of mine trying to explain to him why I didn't sleep well. I gave him the excerpt from my prior post in order to explain it.

 

He responds, "Dude - if you love her so much, what are you waiting for? Go and get her!"

 

" I would if I could!" I responded. "She has no romantic interest in me anymore. She isn't IN love with me anymore. She's crushing on some older guy who wants to shag her; she's the one who broke up with me. She said herself she knows it could never happen again. I'm not even sure if we can be friends again...why else do you think this is so hard?

 

" Dude - don't be offended but you are a real sucker; Being pathetically in love with a girl who even doesn't care about you. She is interested in someone else; why are you so helpless? You are acting like a girl! Usually girls are the one who falls in love that helplessly."

 

I beg your sweet pardon? Am I that helpless? So what, I'm losing masculinity now? I was already highly stressed because I've been working so very hard to get myself moving on and working so very very hard to keep the images at bay.

 

So what does he say?

 

" Dude, there WILL be a man who will [shag] this girl, and [shag] her maybe for a long time."

 

"Don't *curse* remind me! No! STOP!" I bellowed! I blocked him and nearly pushed the computer monitor off the table I pushed the 'power off' so hard. I couldn't even stop tears rolling down my cheek I was so fed up with it. Immediately after I went for a walk to get some coffee and I needed the fresh air. What happened? Why did that go so horribly wrong? Am I that helpless?

[annie24]

Hey listen - you tried to get her back, but it didn't work. At that point, you just have to let it go.

 

I've said it time and again, Princess Diana was beautiful and royal, but Camilla's the one who won Charles' heart. Why people choose one partner, and not another doesn't always make a whole lotta sense.

 

Don't feel like you "weren't good enough for her" or whatever. Like that Bonnie Rait song, "sometimes love isn't enough" or whatever. You know, two people just sometimes aren't right for each other, or it wasn't the right time, or anything along those lines. You just have to take a deep breath and let it go.

[Agrajag]

.: Day IX of NO CONTACT June 10th, 2005

 

 

I've left today's entry this late in the day because I need to see what's going on once it's had a chance to settle. Fore some reason, I keep getting back the same answers yet to different questions; this makes me think I'm really missing something that I am too blind to see; or just not willing to accept.

 

"You're blinded by love." My friend Charles said. I totally believe him on that. I've been acting so stupidly about all this but somehow it just keeps coming back. I spent one solid hour in tears as I was talking to a friend of mine in Edmonton. He didn't say much he just let me vent everything and get it out my system. Though, I'm not sure if that was a step forwards or backwards. I must have said the "F-Word" about 26 times in the course of 2 paragraphs.

 

 

 

I don't think this should be taken as an accurate representation of my progress so far; this was a pure stress release. I wanted to give you an idea of what has been concerning me in the last several weeks.

 

Last night,, or rather, early morning Day IX, was so weird. Since this first happened everyone kept telling me to find a field and just scream. Well, I went to the beach at 3:30am ...this morning and bellowed the words "I LOVE YOU CHRISTINAAAA." Immediately my throat was soar so I whispered, "I always have and I always will." My knees buckled and just collapsed from total mental/physical/and emotional exhaustion. I seriously though I'd died or fainted or something. I got up and the side of my face was wet from tears; every night for the last 10 months I have said "Good Night Christina" before I went to bed.

[Agrajag]

Hey listen - you tried to get her back, but it didn't work. At that point, you just have to let it go.

 

I've said it time and again, Princess Diana was beautiful and royal, but Camilla's the one who won Charles' heart. Why people choose one partner, and not another doesn't always make a whole lotta sense.

 

Don't feel like you "weren't good enough for her" or whatever. Like that Bonnie Rait song, "sometimes love isn't enough" or whatever. You know, two people just sometimes aren't right for each other, or it wasn't the right time, or anything along those lines. You just have to take a deep breath and let it go.

 

Thank you, Annie, for this marvelous reply. You are so right. I'm trying to let go but it's taking more than a deep breath. Like that crying spell talking to Mike I just lost it and I sound like I haven't learnt a thing!

 

She may not have been totally right for me but I think she was the right one for me "now". I just wanted to make our 1yr. I had planned out the best anniversary for her and it's going to hurt like hell come that day. I hope to god I have a girlfriend so I don't have to go through our 'old' anniversary single.

 

I can't stop thinking about what she's doing – worrying if she's just drinking her pains away. She'd promised me never to drink and she had a few behind my back. She felt terrible afterwards but now that we're broken up – I'm worried about her. I really do want to call her. I really do want to write that email – even if I don't send it and just use it as a form of therapy.

 

I know I can't call her though. Which sucks.

[salmonhead_uk]

Hi there,

I know exactly how you feel...my boyfriend needed single time from me for exaclty the same reasons (and then i find out theres another girl he'd kissed before dumping me and that he can't lose her from his life). We started out saying we'd be best friends, and that we still loved each other - i think a week later he decided he was happier and relaxed living without me. that's 6 weeks ago now.

It hurt so badly - as you know, you turn into the stuff of films, dramatic, so down you forget everything but that one tight ball of hurt inside. I'm a music lover too and i can't listen to any of my favorite albums - they are all steeped in memories of him, and every lyric seems to be aimed at my situation.

I too had the sleepless nights - the dreams of him being sexual with this other girl (we too had a highly sensual and sexual partnership) and everytime my mind sneaks in another dream i can guarantee a bad day to follow. But they are lessening now. And the hole in my stomach? Now it's just a deep sigh, and not searing.

I've written to him, begged him, done all the things i could, but there is really no option if someone doesn't love you - you have to stop loving them. If it isn't reciprocated then it's obsession not love - love needs two and needs to be accepted by the other. Ours isn't.

I too am REALLY in need of companionship. I hate being alone (signature!) because my mind just whirrs too fast and depresses me. I too watch the roads while im driving to see if he might drive by, or wonder wherever i am - public or private - if he can see me. If right at this moment he is deciding that he loves me really and adores me.

BUT...its not the case. It's so sad but if someone can choose to be without you then they have to have been pretty certain they didn't want you. It won't help the hurting (i write in a journal - which i never did when i met my ex, did before and do again now - so that's 2 years of no journal and suddenly iv got an A4 pad of woe)! every page is a different story - but they are all about him. I guess the crux is - SHE and HE aren't ours anymore, there is no comfort there, just a phonecall ending with a voice that creates more heartbreak, words of rejections covered with honeysweet lines about 'friendship', even a face that isn't their anymore...believe me I've printed out emails from when we were together, i've looked over and over at photos, read letters and poetry...but in the end that stuff is all memories. And must be left behind if any more are going to come along.

Dont get me wrong - the idea of another guy seems an attractive prospect but only for comfort, i still feel there is only one man for me...and after one month that's to be expected. I need to create new fresh experiences to fill up my mind...i try so hard to not envisage his bedroom, his bed, the girl and he kissing or shagging. it's painful when i do it so im learning to just STOP doing it.

There is no easy way - i was in a club bathroom crying at 2am yesterday and ended up texting him the same old rubbish about 'where did you go', i know how much you desire the contact, but it's worse when you do, because

 

if she is coming back to you due to making a mistake she would find you anywhere, anytime, anyplace, and make you hers...if she hasn't done this and you see her she will only have the same harsh truths to tell you.

 

Take care, keep posting, i do it at home and applaud you for getting it all out on here. Enjoy England if you come - it's quite rainy at the moment (isn't it always) but there are some sunny days ahead....oh! metaphorical! xxxx

[Agrajag]

.: Day XI of NO CONTACT June 12th, 2005

 

Today I feel so hurt. Everything I do to move myself forward is just coming back and smacking me in the face.

 

First, 2 nights ago No Contact was broken by her. It wasn't much a big deal to me that she decided to email me - except that I never slept the night it happened. I know she's reading this thread even though she left the forum. She decided to get in contact with me because she read something in my post that made her cry: "Every night for the last 10 months I have said, alloud, "Good Night Christina," before I went to bed." I can imagine why. It will be interesting to see when I have the willpower to stop – I know I'll say it tonight.

 

I need time before I can heal from these wounds.

 

I still worry about her but I know deep down she's going to be alright. Maybe I'm worried that she won't take her own advice, "Don't go and try to find a girl to fill the void; it will only stop you from growing." She made that mistake before...*grumbles* I trust her now; which is good. I trust her to the ends of the earth, yet she may never understand or believe me. Whatever, it's up to her. She says I pushed her away because I leant on her too much for emotional support but I felt like I was never given a chance to change or show her I was capable.

 

I wish our love meant more to her than how easily she's managed to drop it. I wish for once someone would be pining for me! I wish they wouldn't take the 'flick-of-a-switch[/i] approach to dropping something that 'just isn't working out' in their minds. Have they ever heard of trying? Of dealing with it? You'd think people would get a sense of ambition to fight for something if they truly love it so dearly - instead of shattering everything they believe in.

 

In many ways I hope it's gut-wrenching to her to think she's made me more disheartened and depressed in the last two months than I ever have been in my life. I hope she's reminded of that feeling when 'we would be seeing each other soon' after being so stressed about her life - and now she's made that impossible. Forever.

 

Then again, I want the best for her with or without me in her life. I want her happy. I truly do. I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to express that though.

 

Also, she managed to make me feel really guilty today. I have a page on DeviantART where she was mentioned as the "Most Wonderful Person in the World" on my first journal. Well, I had to remove it because I couldn't look at that comment without having a twist in my gut. She commented with "I can't believe you did that. "

I am so sorry but you know I had to. Maybe I'll put it back, one day...

 

I need time before I can ever be friends again.

 

So, another night I have to go to bed without anyone who can say they love me. No one to hug and no one who will show they give a that I even exist on the planet. They sure as hell don't want me in their lives. No wonder I need someone for emotional support. I have never felt so lonely in my life. I have a bunch of friends whom I can hang out with whenever I want, or that I can talk to about things, but it's just not the same as a lover. That's all I want, is some true sense of love - one person who can truly love me enough to want to be, and stay with me and not pull that "I love you but I'm not *in* love with you" .

 

Maybe I'll put it back, one day. Our friendship, that is. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to do it with how she's treated me. She's shown disrespect in ways I never thought she would dare. I don't know, maybe it is too late. Maybe I'll never talk to her again for as long as I can – it might be easier. So now the pressure's on her. If she really is sincere about her feelings for our 'friendship' and I was as great as 'she said' I was then I should see some ing effort from her side. Right now, I have seen nothing – so I just don't know if I can. Oh, I still love her. I just don't know how should could love me.

 

I still fear her in the streets; it's worse as each day goes by. I still fear the fact there's an ever-increasing I'll live just a 2 minute walk from her. If that happens, I'll be hermit and never see the light of day. I'm not ready to see, hear, or even know she exists. I don't want to get hurt again. It's already hurting too much. Maybe she'll realize what she's lost one day and how she's assured she will never have it back – maybe, not even with another guy.

 

However, I do feel a lot better than when this all started. I'm still in tears now and again but it'll come down soon I'm sure. I'll start when I stop crying now. Maybe when the pain subsides a little from realizing how much I loved her.

 

Good Night, Christina. (If you are reading this.)

I love you. (I always have, and always will.)

 

I'll keep you posted, eNotAlone.

[Mun]

In many ways I hope it’s gut-wrenching to her to think she’s made me more disheartened and depressed in the last two months than I ever have been in my life. I hope she’s reminded of that feeling when ‘we would be seeing each other soon’ after being so stressed about her life -

 

You told her this? If she knows this then I can see why she would keep pushing you away. I hope you want to heal and move on and not want her back. My opinion is that this approach is going to work against you if that's what you're aiming for.

 

Even if it seems that everything you do to move on doesn't work, you have to keep going. If that means deleting her messages then do so... you have to look out for YOU.

[Agrajag]

In many ways I hope it's gut-wrenching to her to think she's made me more disheartened and depressed in the last two months than I ever have been in my life. I hope she's reminded of that feeling when 'we would be seeing each other soon' after being so stressed about her life -

 

You told her this? If she knows this then I can see why she would keep pushing you away. I hope you want to heal and move on and not want her back. My opinion is that this approach is going to work against you if that's what you're aiming for.

 

Even if it seems that everything you do to move on doesn't work, you have to keep going. If that means deleting her messages then do so... you have to look out for YOU.

 

No, I didn't tell her this. I am just stating what I was feelings. She's probably assumed that I'd take some hostility to it. I mean, it's totally natural. I'm not taking any actions based on my feelings though. Like I said, I'm only wishing her the best happiness life can buy.

 

I won't delete her messages that's just cruel. That, or I just don't have the willpower to yet. lol

[Agrajag]

.: Day XII of NO CONTACT June 13th, 2005

 

.: Day 0 .[.Operation: .Pass.Math ]

 

*makes note of the time*

9:36pm

 

What in god's name is "Operation: Pass Math" do you ask? Hell. At least something pretty freakin' close to it.

 

Synonymous with my ex's painful break-up, I lost all motivation to complete my extracurricular Math 12 credit. The goal: 68% to achieve link removed's "Computers & Information Technology" prerequisite.

 

Am I capable of 68%? ; Definitely. Am I capable of 75%? ; Certainly. Am I capable of 86%? ; Yes, of course. Am I capable of 98%? ; If I'm focus, with ease. In fact, I understood the groundwork for the concepts of Einstein's infamous "Theory of Relativity" when I was only 11. I scared the out of the judges, whom were University Professors, at my Grade 7 Science-Fair.

 

So what happened? Motivation is something I lack and because of that I have no motivation to apply my 150-IQ-point brain. (I seriously doubt they calculated the score on that right.) With the sake of my ex, it fulfilled the only goal I have in life: to find that love in life and keep it. While I was with her I could feel I was getting the energy to push myself harder and faster. I started off doing well in my class, hitting grades in the high-80's. I knew I could do better. A tug-of-war of emotions and depression came in when it became just too much. I was constantly fighting with my parents and they were incredibly angered because I wasn't looking for work full-time while I was studying, also full-time. I have had no concept of how to juggle that kind of time.

 

How is it possible to manoeuvre your day around two full-time jobs and goals?

 

So, I dropped the hunt for work because my mark in Math started to drastically slip. I spent a fair amount of time with my ex-girlfriend for what was some of the best times we had ever spent together. Undoubtedly, these are the ones that are going to be the hardest to remember. I began putting more pressure into finding work but something had to give, and it wasn't going to be her. I had invested so much of my mind, time, energy, and heart into her I wasn't going to let that crash because of my parents. So Math was given a little less.

 

My ex had a major problem communicating to me what was bothering her and what the issues of the relationship were; a major problem. That is exactly why I found it to be such an amazing surprise she wanted to break it off with me. I was so in love and nothing has ever hurt more. I just couldn't believe. I wanted to find something sharp and just relieve the pain that way. I wanted to find something that would make it better. I briefly considered taking up smoking or drinking or something – but I guess that's where the 'ol 150-gauge upstairs kicked in. Almost immediately after she broke it off with me I stopped trying in Math all together; in fact, the next 3 consecutive classes I practically slept through. Eventually, I just stopped going all together.

 

I needed something fresh to focus on. . I began getting myself motivated for a year-long brave jaunt overseas. There are obvious benefits that are just outstanding. It's a true character builder. I know my ex took a bit of a hit when she heard I wanted to leave and was talking about staying there.

 

I need $2500 of cold hard green before I can apply for the program. So, with both my girlfriend and Math not an issue, I began to focus on finding work. You can only do so much at a time right? I have had absolutely zero luck with my resume. Maybe there's something wrong with it – who knows.

 

Serving two purposes, I've been endeavouring on a career path alongside finding work. The first will allow me to best use my time looking for a post-secondary institution. BCIT didn't seem to have exactly wanted so I'm not blowing $25 000 on something I can't motivate myself for. Secondly, I'll get my mind the off my ex for the time being; at least, until I get over to England.

 

 

Right now, I hope to god that she is alright and that she understands our friendship means more to me than life itself. I am so worried that she thinks she's permanently ruined our friendship by how I'm taking this, but she hasn't. I don't know what else to do to stop the bleeding though. Everything that has to do with her must be erased or put away for a very long time if I am ever going to heal. Every night, I feel an onslaught of tears because I remember the true, deep love we had for each other and the feeling of holding her in my arms. I question myself to say the words aloud but they come out nonetheless, "Good Night, Christina."

 

I have exactly 10 days before I write the final exam. I am going into it with 40% after missing 6-7 classes. I need 65% on the exam to pass. I have 10 days. So, my fellow eNotAloners: tomorrow is .: Day I of hell. I hope my ex is doing well and that she can understand what's happening on my side emotionally. So, here we go. If I disappear of people's MSN lists or am very slow writing/replying to emails – this is why. I'm pretty sure I'm getting the net cut by my dad for that time anyways. England is on hold.

 

I am so stressed I am crying. There is only on person on this entire planet who can make me stop…

 

 

*makes note of the time*

11:06pm

 

…Good Night.

[melrich]

Good idea, concentrate on your maths. That will take your mind off other less productive things. In 5 years time your math will seem a whole lot more important than your ex.

[Agrajag]

Good idea, concentrate on your maths. That will take your mind off other less productive things. In 5 years time your math will seem a whole lot more important than your ex.

 

I might as well give it my all. 10 days is theoretically enough time to pull it off. I don't know what else I can do, really. My ex is still really important to me now though.

 

Thanks for such a quick response!

[melrich]

Well good luck with it. You'll be surprised at how achieving something will make you feel good especially in tough times.

[Agrajag]

Well good luck with it. You'll be surprised at how achieving something will make you feel good especially in tough times.

 

Yeah exactly. Myabe this will be the first phase of my "Character-building"!

[Rainz]

I wish our love meant more to her than how easily she's managed to drop it. I wish for once someone would be pining for me! I wish they wouldn't take the 'flick-of-a-switch[/i] approach to dropping something that 'just isn't working out' in their minds. Have they ever heard of trying? Of dealing with it? You'd think people would get a sense of ambition to fight for something if they truly love it so dearly - instead of shattering everything they believe in.

I'm reading through this post again because it's been updated loads, what you have said here has really touched me, I'm really feeling it. People nowadays "fix" things by disposing of what it is that isn't working.....sad but tru, like you say you'd think they'd consider working at things before taking the step to just "flick the switch" as you say.

[Agrajag]

I wish our love meant more to her than how easily she's managed to drop it. I wish for once someone would be pining for me! I wish they wouldn't take the 'flick-of-a-switch' approach to dropping something that 'just isn't working out' in their minds. Have they ever heard of trying? Of dealing with it? You'd think people would get a sense of ambition to fight for something if they truly love it so dearly - instead of shattering everything they believe in.

I'm reading through this post again because it's been updated loads, what you have said here has really touched me, I'm really feeling it. People nowadays "fix" things by disposing of what it is that isn't working.....sad but true, like you say you'd think they'd consider working at things before taking the step to just "flick the switch" as you say.

 

It was really scary for me to wake up that morning and question whether I really understood how much she loved me. I mean, I had to have been wrong if she was walking away from me in the first place. I'm not taking that, "I love you but I'm not *in* love with you, " theory; it doesn't prove anything.

 

I kept pushing her to just keep trying and not to give up. Since every relationship she will even go through will have rough patches I couldn't see why she couldn't just tough it through and just go with it. I mean, like I said, if I mean so dearly to her why wouldn't she give it her all instead of backing out when it got hard. I know I pushed her too hard but I was under a lot of pressure myself - mostly out of the sheer shock I even had to discuss trying with her.

 

Right now, I hope to god that she is alright and that she understands our friendship means more to me than life itself. I am so worried that she thinks she's permanently ruined our friendship by how I'm taking this, but she hasn't. I don't know what else to do to stop the bleeding though. Everything that has to do with her must be erased or put away for a very long time if I am ever going to heal. Every night, I feel an onslaught of tears because I remember the true, deep love we had for each other and the feeling of holding her in my arms. I question myself to say the words aloud but they come out nonetheless, "Good Night, Christina."

 

This is another point I can't underestimate. She is too important to my life to lose and I'm not going to let that happen. She thinks she's the one to blame for all the pain going on and it's not true. I wish she wouldn't take it out on herself.

 

Anyways, I better get studying.

 

 

~

Agrajag

[annie24]

I kept pushing her to just keep trying and not to give up. Since every relationship she will even go through will have rough patches I couldn't see why she couldn't just tough it through and just go with it. I mean, like I said, if I mean so dearly to her why wouldn't she give it her all instead of backing out when it got hard. I know I pushed her too hard but I was under a lot of pressure myself - mostly out of the sheer shock I even had to discuss trying with her.

 

I know it's hard to accept, but when a person says, "It's over" and you say, "are you sure?" and they say, "yes"... you just have to accept it.

 

True, every relationship will have its rough patches, but some have more than others. My last relationship didn't have really any rough patches, but things just didn't feel right, so we broke up.

 

Focus on your studies - it will help you channel your energy into something productive. After my first love broke up with me, I didn't know what to do with myself so all I did was study for the SATs and then I got a great score, and got into tons of great colleges! So, in hindsight, I am very glad he broke up with me....

[Agrajag]

.: Day XIV reviewing WEEK TWO June 15th, 2005

 

.: Day II .[.Operation: .Pass.Math ]

 

Caffeine was my best friend today.

 

Today was a very long day. I felt very 'defeated' with the Math I have to study and still think it's astronomically impossible, yet I am still forcing myself through it. I don't actually think I am learning anything, rather just stressing myself out even more.

 

I didn't sleep very well last night, so that's a big factor; I won't sleep well tonight either. I had some pretty terrible nightmares and woke up in tears. Not crying, just in tears – it must have been while I was sleeping. Let's not get into the dream, since it's worse than anything I've even posted here.

 

Caffeine was undeniably my best friend today.

 

I just don't know what to do. I've been told it's up to her to convince me I should trust her. I mean, why would it be up to me anyways? I wasn't the one who broke it. Well, whatever you say or whatever you're telling her – I need to hear it from her. If I mean so much to her then she'll want to do anything to have me as a friend again. I feel completely betrayed. I can't believe she would do this to me. I mean, breaking up with me is one thing – but the dishonesty and distrust baffles me. How could she be so callous about my feelings? I may not have been physically cheated on but she sure hit the nail cheating my emotions.

 

*groan*

 

Bah. It doesn't matter anymore. Hopefully I'll find someone who won't play my emotions like a game. (Well, it sure felt like that anyways.) Maybe it was truly a godsend that she's out of my life. ...now I just need better.

 

*groan*

 

I swear, I'm asking for a literal angel. Maybe England will bring me some luck. Oh - I in no way regret any part of my relationship with my ex. It was without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me; I just wish it never had to end.

 

*tear rolls down cheek*

 

I will never understand this. Now I am just truly terrified love will blind me to the point no matter who I'm with this will happen to me. I can't. I can't ing go through this again. Why is it so impossible to just follow through with your heart, especially when you know it's real?

 

In so many ways I don't want to have to deal with her again. In so many ways I don't want to have to deal with waking up in the morning. In so many ways I need this pain to stop. Maybe it will change sooner, rather than later.

Why do I even care anymore? This is all so pointless. There is no reason for me to be here. The world is so chaotic – there is no order to anything. I feel so incredibly hurt by what she has done.

 

Caffeine was unquestionably my best friend today.

[Agrajag]

.: Day XV of moving FORWARD June 16th, 2005

 

.: Day III .[.Operation: .Pass.Math ]

 

Well, you know, tonight I just may sleep. In so many ways she's still going to be there and in so many ways I will never lose her. She was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I cannot deny that. My heart was only broken because she did not want our lives to be so close...

 

...wherever she is, or whatever she's doing, I hope she's doing well. I hope she sleeps tonight and can dream and remember what a great time we had together. Right now, I don't even know if she cares. She's probably doing marvelously with everything and isn't even looking back. In a lot of ways, I wish she could hear me say good night to her.

 

*sigh*

I know she'll never hear it. I'll say it tonight just like I always have. Maybe for the last time, maybe tomorrow will be, maybe at the end of Week III. Who knows. The time may be soon. I want to call her so badly right now...even just to say to her those two words. I wish her the best night. She's the most beautiful and intelligent woman I know. I hope she's taking excellent care of herself. No matter how depressed she could be I couldn't live with myself to see her hurt herself - in any way.

 

*looks up to wherever she may be* You take care of yourself! ; You hear?

 

I wish she would hear me when I do say it; "Good Night," that is. It's probably the only few seconds when I'm not crying in that bed.

 

 

 

 

 

*sigh*

[melrich]

Hi Agrajag,

 

I feel completely betrayed. I can't believe she would do this to me. I mean, breaking up with me is one thing – but the dishonesty and distrust baffles me. How could she be so callous about my feelings? I may not have been physically cheated on but she sure hit the nail cheating my emotions.

 

You are looking at this completely the wrong way. Had she stayed with you when she was not feeling about you in the same way you felt about her, THAT would be dishonest and cheating you.

 

The fact that she told you how she was feeling, that she risked hurting you and is obviously hurting herself, shows you that she has actually been very honest and caring of you.

 

Believe me, I think you can trust this person completely. I have been in relationships where one person is not feeling the same way as another and it is no fun at all. You feel like you are acting a role and the whole thing becomes very superficial. This person has actually done the absolute right thing by you.

[Agrajag]

Hi Agrajag,

 

I feel completely betrayed. I can't believe she would do this to me. I mean, breaking up with me is one thing – but the dishonesty and distrust baffles me. How could she be so callous about my feelings? I may not have been physically cheated on but she sure hit the nail cheating my emotions.

 

You are looking at this completely the wrong way. Had she stayed with you when she was not feeling about you in the same way you felt about her, THAT would be dishonest and cheating you.

 

The fact that she told you how she was feeling, that she risked hurting you and is obviously hurting herself, shows you that she has actually been very honest and caring of you.

 

Believe me; I think you can trust this person completely. I have been in relationships where one person is not feeling the same way as another and it is no fun at all. You feel like you are acting a role and the whole thing becomes very superficial. This person has actually done the absolute right thing by you.

 

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand what you're saying! I felt incredibly betrayed by the fact that she had swaying feelings. I mean, she hit the 'rough patch' in our relationship a little later than I hit it so I wasn't prepared for her to fall out on me. Dishonesty and distrust came when she wasn't open with those feelings and wasn't communicating solutions that would have allowed us to stay together. Not forgetting to mention, there were dealings with another guy behind my back. She regrets it to the nth-degree but it's still something that hurts.

 

I don't know what to think really. I mean, I know she felt she had to do this. By all accounts I should be happy because I was just slowing her down. Maybe if we were together right now that wouldn't be the case but that's another story, (or a dream.) I just wish I could have been a better boyfriend.

 

In all honesty, I think I will be able to trust her 100% again but I need healing time; lots of it. She broke NC again last night. On the phone in tears because she is so terrified of losing me forever. I don't even know. I am so incredibly hurt by what's happened in the last 2 months that it could just be too painful even just as friends. The call set me back a bit too, I didn't realize it until just recently. Maybe, a week; I'm not sure.

 

*groan*

 

I dated this gal, Jessica, for a month – it took a full twelve before we could talk as friends again. Then again, I wasn't as good at dealing with emotions then as I am now; hopefully, it won't take nearly as long.

 

Bottom line - I'm still in love with her and I'm still saturated with romantic feelings for her I just cannot seem to shake. I need her out of my life completely for a long time before I can shake that. I know she wasn't expecting that but she's orchestrated it that way.

 

Time will tell.

[annie24]

Yeah... you just need to heal. My last relationship, I dated him for 3 months, but it took me 6 months before I felt ok to contact him again. Even with dating other guys in between.

 

Just focus on you. Chin up, ok?

[Agrajag]

Yeah... you just need to heal. My last relationship, I dated him for 3 months, but it took me 6 months before I felt ok to contact him again. Even with dating other guys in between.

 

Just focus on you. Chin up, ok?

 

DN says i'm really intense when it comes to relationship issues. That could easily account for why it took me so much longer. I honestly don't think there's a single thing wrong with being intense. I love deeper and stronger - that's not bad; I just have to learn how to protect myself a little better.