She says she loves me, but is not in love with me..help!

[edpko]

New to this, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am 33 and my partner is 29. I have been in a relationship with her for nearly four years. The past 3 months have been tumultuous to say the least. My relationship has been going down hill due in large part to a single neighbor (brief description....fat, drug abuser, balding and drug dealer.) Anymore, it seems that my partner is only happy when this person is around. For christ sakes, she invited him on our recent vacation which was the worst experience of my life. I don't think they are physically involved, however, it appears that they are emotionally involved. I have caught her in a number of lies recently....phone calls to him and also, I was out of town for training this past wweek and learned that he was over my house every night that I was gone.

 

Last night, I could not take it anymore, the non-communicating, walking by each other in silence, etc. I tried to talk to her, and she does not give me any answers; so I told her, I need some answers. I asked her point blank, if she desires to be with anyone else, and her reply was "I don't need to answer that." She then went on to say that if I think it is with the neighbor, no. She says she loves me, but is "not in love with me and that things will take care of themself." She says that "I fell in love with you 4 years ago, and might again." I'm so in love with her, but am crusshed by this. Do I move on, or does anyone have suggestions on how I can "make her in-love with me again." IM me @ e_pko on yahoo if you have any feedbak.

 

Thanks!!!!! Ed

[Tolly]

My ex says exactly the same to me....I have no idea what it means!! Do women have a secret book of meaningless sayings?

[charmed]

Hi Ed,

 

Does she know you dislike the neighbour? If so, a functional couple would have a united front against a disliked person. Could she simply be playing with your emotions to get you to freak out.

 

At 4 years into a relationship, you really would want to know where you stand. It's a long time, certainly where I come from, and I would never stay with someone in a long term relationship without committment.

 

I heard it before - infact an ex girlfriend claimed that she "fell out of love with me". I believe that she simply did not have the guts to say that the relationship failed - not because anyone fell out of love, but because the communication fell to bits. We both hurt like hell at break up stage - for months - but we were in love as much as we were at the end.

 

Has this girl ever said that she is in love with you?

What is the purpous of the relationship? - Marraige or Casual?

 

I feel that these things are best addressed head on. In a relationship, there is so much politics surrounding the way coupldes interact. The bulls**t that comes out servers only as fuel for a further argument, and strays both parties from the original problem.

 

It sounds to me like there are deeper issues in the relationship. Whats going on is possibly a way of sending a signal that this is the case - something is wrong.

 

Be honest with yourself - from your post it seems that you are being. Take a very honest and caring approach to the problem. Offer your partner the opportunity to come clean to you about anything she is not happy about. This may require a lot of effort and encouragement - but you must keep the hard work up if she won't start at all on her own. She has not said anything about any problem and is thereforeeeeee likely that she is not just going to come out with it. Be careful also for decoy problems. Again, it could all be flamebait, and you must stay clear of the fire !! Don't let her get you angry, worked up and confused about the situation. You will end up back in square one.

 

Most of all, make sure that you set your position straight with her. She needs to know what you are thinking - then she has no excuses to say she didn't know what you were at. Eitherway I believe that playing games can go on as long as people let it - but it's clearly not the way forward and can cause irreperable damage. Be honest, be caring and make sure that you are being the nice guy you seem to be to her. If she doesn't like the open game, then you really have to re-consider why ayou are there in the first place.

 

I hope this helps you out Ed !

 

Charmed.

[kdreger]

I've been dealt that excuse. It's a woman's way of saying she's not interested without having to take any responsibility for it. I'd say you should tell her to deal with her shit and when she has to come see you then. She'll just string you along.

[bzborow1]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and the life decisions you've got to make. I think the bottom line in what you've posted is that she doesn't seem to be respecting your needs, your wants. You expect a ton of yourself in life, and you should expect more of people your close to as a result.

 

As for what to do, the decisions are easy, but the problems are hard.

 

The problems:

 

1. telling you she loves you but is not "in love w/you", she needs to figure this out and stop using it against you.

2. she needs to come clean with her feelings

3. this neighbour, irregardless of any of his problems, should be dealt with.

4. she seems confused about life in general, does she see a psychologist? Do you think she may need to?

 

the solution:

 

To me the solution is simple, you need to set some expectations from her, not outrageous ones. Ones like, "i expect that if i'm going to be with her she will love me unconditionally". And if she doesn't meet any expectations, you should consider taking some time away from her.

[edpko]

I think that she may need to get some help, other than suicidal tendancies, she exhibits 11 of the 12 signs of depression. (now that I think about it, I'm starting to get that way too.) She is a tough customer however. I have already mentioned counseling together, and her response was "your the one who needs counseling" I'm fine. I also suggested to her that she may want to consider seeing a doctor as soon as possible. She replied "things will take care of themself."

 

I as a person cannot go on living this way. Should I set an ultimatum? It only seems to be the only course right now. It's very hard to love someone and care for them as well as live with them when the only response you get is ambivalence.

[LaurenAngel02]

Hey Ed,

 

the love of my life, ended our two year relaionship about a week ago with the same thing "I realize, i love you as a best friend...Im not in love with you.." And his simple advice was to "get over it"....Anyway, I have done everything to make him happy, and there is no making him fall back in love with me. So i believe that you have done your best, and if she is still saying that she only loves you as a friend..i think you are only hurting yourself in holding on. I hate to..but I have to let go as well, it hurts like hell, and it sucks even more that the other person, the one you are in love with, doesnt have to hurt, they have simply moved on, and it seems like everything you have been through means nothing....

 

But time will heal all wounds, just make a break and look for someone that will treat you with all the respect and love that you deserve, and have been giving out, but not receiveing.

 

Take care and good luck hun.

~*Lauren