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Hi all,

This is a long one so bare with.

my partner and I have been together 7 years, we have two babies together 2 and 1 years old and have just moved into a new house as a family.

she has told me that she no longer wants to be with me because of old wounds that I thought had healed. We’re at the point now where we’re not together and she’s recently told me she fancies her boss and then drunkenly kissed him on a night out however it was not reciprocated.

this all stems from two incidents in our pet involving the same person .. a friend who I’ve met through work.

so around January 2020 my partner and I were engaged and expecting our first born. I was working shifts at the time and knew that I wanted a more family friendly role so started to look. I found a job and applied but heard nothing as the covid pandemic hit us.

now I knew a person who had worked for the company I was working for who had left and gone to the one I’d applied for.. we were friendly enough but I didnt see it anymore than that. She happens to be female.

fast forward to august 2020 and my Lerner and I are parents and I’ve just found out I’ve got an interview for the job I’d applied for all the way back In January.

I reach out to this girl and start taking more frequently to learn about the business and to get the best chance of getting the job.

my partner realises Im talking to her a lot via WhatsApp and makes a comment about it. I try to reassure her as to the reasons why as for me it was nothing other than a chance to get a better work life balance etc.

anyway I end up meeting this girl and another mutual friend for a coffee.. nothing sinister just more fact finding and leave it at that. I then get the job! I didn’t tell my partner I was meeting her as I didn’t see it as a big deal.

im now working from home in my back bedroom trying to learn a new business while also doing as much co parenting as I can as things are tough with a 3 month old.

 

I’m still in contact with this girl as she’s helping me understand the business and who I need to speak to etc as everything is being done remotely. I don’t meet with her again in person.

 

towards the end of October me and partner go away for a night. We both drink and she brings up this girl and asks to see my phone. She can see that we’ve been in contact however nothing inappropriate. She also sees that we met for a coffee.

 

she absolutely hits the roof and accuses me of emotional cheating and going behind her back. Now I get that I didn’t tell her when I went for a coffee but my intentions were not sinister or anything.. I was trying to make sure our family life would be better! 
 

I cut all contact with the friend following this although as we worked for the same company there would be some cross over with meetings but nothing on a 1-1 basis.
 

anyway I thought we had put the incident behind us although there would be comments about me meeting with her etc that in the end frustrated me. In December of the same year we fell pregnant with our 2nd. Our first was a nightmare when it came to sleeping but we got there.

then starts the stress. 
within a week of our second behind born in September 21 our family dog died. He had been a real polarising issue for us. She wanted him long gone once the baby got here but I knew as he was hers before we met she would regret that.. she was grateful in the end I’d kept him with us.

I had got a promotion pretty much as soon as baby number 2 came. Again working from home now with two babies and even less sleep as he had proper gastric issues. 
 

in December 21 we decided to sell our house as it wasn’t really fit for purpose now we were a 4. We settled on a new build and had to wait until September this year for it to be finished but it seemed the best option. My partner went back to work earlier as she was really struggling having the two kids and who can blame her.

At the beginning of March this year our buyer pulled out leaving us in the lurch. Luckily we found a new buyer but the stress was just piling up on both of us.

 

at the end of March I received a WhatsApp from the girl who had been the issue before it was work related as something serious had happened in my area and I dealt with it. I did however continue the conversation  for about 10 days.. again nothing inappropriate just catching up. I did not tell my partner as I wanted to avoid conflict especially given the stress we were under.

 

my partner found the messages however and was adamant it was over. We had taken out a rented house early before our sale had completed so she moved some things there and I was told not to come and see her or our kids.

I deleted the texts but retrieved them and showed them to my partner again. Once she had read and processed them she could see there was nothing going on and marked it up as a mistake and we moved in as a family to the rental while we waited for the new build.

The next 6 months were hard as we had very little space and even less sleep. Our intimacy suffered and we both became unhealthy and physically drained.

 

however we got there. We moved into our  new house at the end of September this year and I truly believed this was the new start we needed.. I thought she felt the same.How wrong I was. She quickly announced she no longer wanted to be with me. Didn’t find me attractive. The spark was gone and because of the incidents above couldn’t trust me.

she had become more social at work and was going out with colleagues.. around 2 weeks ago she came home and said she fancied her boss.. but the next day retracted it. I had booked some couples counselling to try and address the issues and she had agreed to come. Last week however she was out again with work and tried to kiss her boss. Told me when she got home and said there was no hope for us.

im pretty devastated as I feel what I did was no where near that and I can’t believe it’s gone so badly so quickly.

I’ve been an emotional wreck this week but I’ve been met with coldness and at times harsh comments. 

we attended our first couples session on Friday just gone and I thought it could be what we needed.. she’s reluctant to sign up to the programme they run. I feel like in any case I need to go to unlock the last 7 years.

we’ve had an ok weekend but the mixed signals are awful. One minute talking about our future then the next talking about how she can’t see a way back.

I’ve dug deep this weekend and reflected a lot and to be honest had remembered sever occasions where she had an issue with me and other women… even though one of them I had no idea who she was she just went to the same gym! 
 

Over time I’ve become less open with her as I’m worried of the reaction. Although by not being honest I’ve obviously made things so much worse no matter how innocent my intentions. 
 

a lot of these times she’s been drunk and does use alcohol as a coping mechanism. She will also bottle things up and wait till she’s drunk to air them .

that said. I love her and I don’t want us to end. Never mind the kids and the house it’s her I’ve come to depend on and love and I’d hoped we could get back on track.

I now face months of trying to sell this house, can’t afford to leave and pay bills and a place for me. 
 

it’s really depressing  me.

 

I welcome any advice or Similar experiences.

 

thanks 

 

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6 minutes ago, Dadandworried said:

I did not tell my partner as I wanted to avoid conflict especially given the stress we were under.

I'm baffled as to why, after your fiancée got upset with you for lying about messaging this woman, you thought it was a good idea to not only restart contact but lie AGAIN to your fiancée about it.  Lies always benefit the liar, not the one being lied to.

You two seem to be at the point where you are "revenge" messaging and flirting with others and going out to avoid being home together.

I recommend continuing with the counseling (hopefully your fiancée agrees).  You'll have to get out of this unhealthy dynamic of hiding things from each other and using others to make one another jealous.  This is a family and I always advocate for doing everything you can to keep a family together except in cases of abuse (spousal OR child), criminal activity or substance addiction.

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19 minutes ago, Dadandworried said:

we attended our first couples session on Friday just gone and I thought it could be what we needed.. she’s reluctant to sign up to the programme they run. I feel like in any case I need to go to unlock the last 7 years

It's excellent you two are going to counselling. There is a lot to unpack and sort out with regard to trust, too much stress, young children and possibly revenge cheating and postpartum depression. The drinking needs to stop for both of you as a means to cope. You could also both benefit from seeing your physicians to check for physical or mental health issues.

You both need help with the children and  household. Do you have family nearby? Can you get a housekeeper to come in or a babysitter once on a while? You're both simply juggling too much. While she could hold a grudge forever for your contact with women, trust is broken so you need to keep the focus on her and your relationship without sneakiness.

Frankly it's unrealistic to expect all this rapid succession of children, building, moving, etc. to not leave you too checked out and exhausted to keep an eye on the relationship itself. Maybe it was a diversion, maybe it was a contributor to existing problems, but counselling is a good place to start.

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I believe you that your contact with this woman was on the up and up but I can see where your partner lost trust in that once you lied to and deceived her.  I mean if it's above board why not simply tell her -look she is messaging me again -it is a professional issue -we talked about my not being in contact but I'd like to talk with her about this professional issue -can we arrange for me to talk with her -and you can be part of the chat if you like? 

I mean the problem is that you made this promise -whether or not her original concerns were valid -so you needed to follow up in a trustworthy way.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sounds like the biggest issue is that you and your wife have some fundamental disagreements. 

You don't agree on what constitutes cheating. 

You don't agree on what you should and shouldn't communicate about. 

You don't agree on what marriage should be.  

You both seem to want to "keep score".    You shouldn't hide anything from each other, but neither should you feel like there are things you can't discuss.   You have deep communication issues.   

You can certainly attempt counseling if you want try and salvage this.  However, the first thing you need to do (because counseling won't work if you just have so many basic differences) is to sit down with each other and talk openly and honestly.  You disagree on just a lot of basic principles, which if you cannot get on the same page on, I don't see how your marriage is going to work in the long run.   Talking to a third party is only helpful if you can agree that you want the same type of marriage.  A marriage with the same expectations, boundaries, openness in communication and the ability to move on and forgive and TRUST each other.  Neither one of you trusts the other.  But you have each given reason for that. 

You might just have too many basic incompatibilities.  If I may, and this is just MHO, perhaps you two don't really want to be together but feel like you "should be" or "need to be" for some reason, but that reason isn't just because you love each other and want to be together.   Maybe it's because of the kids?  Maybe it's just because of complacency, you've been together so long?  Maybe it's fear of being alone?  I don't know.  But I really urge you to think about, with all the problems and basic incompatibility you have, what keeps you both from holding onto this relationship?  Because from what I read, you are both displaying behaviors of people who deep down, want out of it and are subconsciously sabotaging it.  

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