Where we both too slow?

[Mimy]

I met someone online through a shared hobby a group. We started to talk and talk more and more. Suddenly we talked every day and I realized how interested he was in me. We set up a meet up with the group and spend some time alone afterwards. Suddenly I felt unsure about the whole thing. I wasn‘t sure if I felt attraction. I knew I loved his character, but I wasn‘t sure if my love for him was romantically. We developed a really great friendship base and he admitted to me that he is a shy guy when it comes to romantic stuff, that he never makes the first move.

He wanted to know if I‘m shy as well and I admitted not really. I guess that made him feel rejected and he moved on. Although we still text everyday. After 2-3 weeks I had the guts to talk to him because I realized how much I miss talking to him when we miss a day or two and I know he also started talking to another girl which he seems to really like a lot. I realized I feel jealous and I reflected why. First he seemed happy that I opened up but later he backed off and said he only wants to be friends to not change our friendship and that he‘s sorry, but it felt more like friendship to him when we met and afterwards.

I know exactly why it felt like this, because I did it on purpose. I didn‘t send signals anymore after we met because I didn‘t want to hurt him by being unsure about us. He was really sure now about just being friends. But I am not anymore. We met up again this time alone and we slept in the same bed, in the night we held hands and that was it. I guess I could have kissed or cuddled him but because he was sure about being friends I was too afraid. I have a deep fear of rejection, which is something I haven‘t told him yet. We want to meet up again in a few days and I want to make a move before it‘s too late. Should I? I can‘t sleep or eat because I‘m so scared and that it might be too late soon because I took forever to open up and someone else catched his eye maybe 😞

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Mimy said:

. Suddenly I felt unsure about the whole thing. I wasn‘t sure if I felt attraction.😞

It's great to make friends through shared hobbies but chatting 24/7 is a mistake and can lead to thinking you know them (and false intimacy)  when you don't really

If there is no attraction, that's ok. Just be friends but don't lead anyone on.

Don't chase anyone if you are not sure about how you feel. If he were interested he would have already asked you out rather than trying to make you chase him with the "I'm shy" routine.

[Mimy]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It's great to make friends through shared hobbies but chatting 24/7 is a mistake and can lead to thinking you know them (and false intimacy)  when you don't really

If there is no attraction, that's ok. Just be friends but don't lead anyone on.

Don't chase anyone if you are not sure about how you feel. If he were interested he would have already asked you out rather than trying to make you chase him with the "I'm shy" routine.

I thought there was no attraction, a friend of us told me something along the lines „maybe you didn‘t feel attraction towards him because he didn’t made any move, because he‘s too shy and it put you off.“ 

Because when we met for the second time, we went out and slept together (without doing anything) he just took my hand and we placed our hands on my leg and suddenly I felt butterflys? Idk. But neither of us made a move again because we agreed on friendship. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Mimy said:

, a friend of us told me something along the lines „maybe you didn‘t feel attraction towards him because he didn’t made any move.

No. You don't feel attraction because it's simply not there.

Either you feel it or you don't. It's not something cultivated through playing hard to get games or being coy or shy or whatever.

[Mimy]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. You don't feel attraction because it's simply not there.

Either you feel it or you don't. It's not something cultivated through playing hard to get games or being coy or shy or whatever.

I‘m not sure. Attraction can be build through body contact I guess. And when someone is genuinely shy (which he is) and I‘m also not the type to make a move, how could I feel it?

When he took my hand and placed it on me It felt good, warm and I liked it. 

[Kwothe28]

40 minutes ago, Mimy said:

he also started talking to another girl which he seems to really like a lot.

 

40 minutes ago, Mimy said:

later he backed off and said he only wants to be friends to not change our friendship and that he‘s sorry

I am sorry, but I dont think this is on you. You are "friendzoned". Which is kinda rare for a girl but it happens. He met another girl he likes and he put you in the friendzone.

Best thing for you to do is to just go away for a while. You cant be friends because you have feelings. And if he wanted to make a move, he would. He literally sleped in the same bed with you, if he didnt make a move then he is either gay or you are just so deep in friendzone that he cant see you differently. So, just move on from all of that. 

[Mimy]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

I am sorry, but I dont think this is on you. You are "friendzoned". Which is kinda rare for a girl but it happens. He met another girl he likes and he put you in the friendzone.

Best thing for you to do is to just go away for a while. You cant be friends because you have feelings. And if he wanted to make a move, he would. He literally sleped in the same bed with you, if he didnt make a move then he is either gay or you are just so deep in friendzone that he cant see you differently. So, just move on from all of that. 

I know it really sounds like this when I say he just took my hand when we slept in the same bed. But he really is shy, he only had one gf yet and he told me he never made a first move ever. We wanna spend the weekend together and he asked me if he has to build the guest bed or if we sleep together again. I replied together and he seemed happy about it, he said that he‘s really cuddly sometimes though and I said that‘s alright he can. 

[kctiger]

How did you two end up in a situation where you are basically chat buddies but ended up sleeping in the same bed together? 

As a guy, I have to say that if I tell a female that I specifically only want to be friends, then there’s purely no other motive there and you should take that at face value. While I’m not shy like this guy, I would never tell a woman I’m romantically interested in that friendship is my only desire. Shy or not, I just do not think that would be something most guys say if they felt otherwise. 

No one likes to be rejected either. Welcome to a man’s world, where we’re expected to make the first move and handle rejection with grace. It sucks no matter how many times it’s happened. Worse case scenario, you make a move and he shuts you down. Go for it. Keep in mind, that could ruin the potential for a blossoming friendship but I also think you probably aren’t ready for friendship since you have competing motives. Communication is critical in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and I do not believe in utilizing gender norms to justify not being vulnerable and making your true intentions known. If you don’t, you’ll never know what could have happened. 

[Mimy]

21 minutes ago, kctiger said:

How did you two end up in a situation where you are basically chat buddies but ended up sleeping in the same bed together? 

As a guy, I have to say that if I tell a female that I specifically only want to be friends, then there’s purely no other motive there and you should take that at face value. While I’m not shy like this guy, I would never tell a woman I’m romantically interested in that friendship is my only desire. Shy or not, I just do not think that would be something most guys say if they felt otherwise. 

No one likes to be rejected either. Welcome to a man’s world, where we’re expected to make the first move and handle rejection with grace. It sucks no matter how many times it’s happened. Worse case scenario, you make a move and he shuts you down. Go for it. Keep in mind, that could ruin the potential for a blossoming friendship but I also think you probably aren’t ready for friendship since you have competing motives. Communication is critical in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and I do not believe in utilizing gender norms to justify not being vulnerable and making your true intentions known. If you don’t, you’ll never know what could have happened. 

I replied to you but somehow it doesn’t show up, I hope it‘s not doubled now. 
How did we end from chatting buddies to sleeping in the same bed? We just met up we don‘t live in the same city. I build a guest bed for him but instead he sneaked in my bed. When he took my hand in the night it felt nice, I guess I could have easily just crawled into his arms but I‘m an idiot who is the worst at showing feelings. Something I haven‘t told him yet. So I didn‘t. Because of this and because we agreed on friendship. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Mimy said:

We wanna spend the weekend together and he asked me if he has to build the guest bed or if we sleep together again.

He doesn't sound "shy" at all if he's soliciting a hookup after meeting you in person a couple of times. Go ahead but keep in mind he is playing the field, not looking for a relationship. Don't try to impress this guy by "sneaking into bed".

It is actually quite creepy that he pulled a stunt like that. He is far from "too slow" and in fact just a horndog who jumped into your bed after knowing you in person for what? A few hours? Talk to trusted adults about this.

[Mimy]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't sound "shy" at all if he's soliciting a hookup after meeting you in person a couple of times. Go ahead but keep in mind he is playing the field.

Believe me he‘s never ever going for a hookup. He only had one girlfriend, mentioned multiple times in conversations that he never could just hook up with someone because he‘s too clingy for that. When he says cuddle he means just that 😂 I would have to make it „more“ than that

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Mimy said:

I would have to make it „more“ than that

Well yes otherwise it's date rape. He's a creep. Let go. Talk to a trusted older person about appropriate dating and physical contact. You seem to think a horny guy "sneaking into" you bed is cute. It's not.

[Mimy]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well yes otherwise it's date rape. He's a creep. Let go. Talk to a trusted older person about appropriate dating and physical contact. You seem to think a horny guy "sneaking into" you bed is cute. It's not.

Oh my god. Can you stop? We are friends I trust him and he didn‘t do anything. Please stop misinterpreting this whole situation, thank you. I was fine sleeping in the same bed so idk what you are making out of my posts.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Mimy said:

We are friends I trust him and he didn‘t do anything

Ok, why won't he ask you out on a proper date if he wishes to move it from friends to dating? 

[Mimy]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, why won't he ask you out on a proper date if he wishes to move it from friends to dating? 

We didn‘t spent the whole time in bed. We went out doing stuff and eating. 🙄 Idk if we could move from being friends to more, that‘s the whole point of this thread. But he‘s not what you want to make out of him. I know his environment, friends, family and everything. 

[Madlike]

Hi Mimy. Don’t mind helping out. I sent you a message.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Mimy said:

We didn‘t spent the whole time in bed. We went out doing stuff and eating.

When is the next actual date out doing something fun?

[Mimy]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is the next actual date out doing something fun?

Next weekend 🙄

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Madlike said:

 I sent you a message.

You keep doing this but perhaps are unaware that PMs are disabled until a poster reaches a certain point? 

[kctiger]

Tell the guy you’re not interested in friendship as you’d like to take it to the next level. If he’s not down for that, you have your answer. 

It’s not like he went off and got married, so there’s no roadblock here besides the willingness to be forthright in your feelings. 

[Madlike]

4 minutes ago, kctiger said:

Tell the guy you’re not interested in friendship as you’d like to take it to the next level. If he’s not down for that, you have your answer. 

It’s not like he went off and got married, so there’s no roadblock here besides the willingness to be forthright in your feelings. 

I second this. You don’t want to be a friends with benefit 

[smackie9]

First off sleepovers are for kids not adults, stop doing that. You don't climb into a man's bed without sex being on the table. Hold hands while going for a walk, lean into him, and talk during your date. If you are unsure, that's fine, everyone gets unsure, that's why we go out on some dates to see if attraction builds/get to know them. If you follow those step, you keep things simple. If he isn't your type you stop seeing him...that's how it's done. His feelings get hurt? That's just part of life...rejection is the gamble everyone takes. It is what it is.

[Batya33]

I had many sleepovers with boyfriends before we had sex. We were sexual though and we had clear communication before as to what the boundaries were.  And it was almost never a problem at all.  Especially with men who felt the same about waiting to have sex but wanting to sleep together and be sexual/affectionate.  I think attraction is desire.  Physical intimacy is a way of expressing attraction and desire and can bond the person but doesn't create attraction.

You chose to decline to date him from the get go then changed your mind.  That was risky -because sometimes there is a second chance sometimes not.  I don't think he wants to give this another chance.  Also I'd stop assuming what his dating or hooking up choices are -you simply don't know since you've never properly dated him.

[Mimy]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had many sleepovers with boyfriends before we had sex. We were sexual though and we had clear communication before as to what the boundaries were.  And it was almost never a problem at all.  Especially with men who felt the same about waiting to have sex but wanting to sleep together and be sexual/affectionate.  I think attraction is desire.  Physical intimacy is a way of expressing attraction and desire and can bond the person but doesn't create attraction.

You chose to decline to date him from the get go then changed your mind.  That was risky -because sometimes there is a second chance sometimes not.  I don't think he wants to give this another chance.  Also I'd stop assuming what his dating or hooking up choices are -you simply don't know since you've never properly dated him.

Yeah, I feel like he‘s one of those guys who wouldn’t need Sex immediately but really likes being close. 
You are right. I felt something between us, when we met I didn‘t and then somehow my feelings changend. But he already thought I rejected him this way because I needed time but I didn‘t communicated any of my thoughts or feelings to him. Which is bad because so he didn’t either. This situation showed me that this is a trait of me I really need to work on, I need to open up, I need to communicate what I feel and don‘t be afraid of this. I will try to change and if he maybe would want to give it a chance then I would communicate this to him and why I acted this way. Because he was a bit more open last time (holding hands, hugging, tickling just being silly) I feel maybe he would. I have to see and act. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Him being shy is not a reason to not make a move. It's rather an excuse.

6 hours ago, Mimy said:

he backed off and said he only wants to be friends to not change our friendship

And he literally told you he's not interested. He even tried to go to your bed and check the connection there, but seems he didn't really click with you. And that's okay.

If you insist on chasing a man who told you he's not interested AND he's pursuing someone else, go ahead. But don't be surprised when things don't go your way and you feel even worse.