I spent the night with my narcissist abusive ex, and spent the day with him. After going 2 months of no contact, I broke it when drunk

[Hotrocket1111]

Hi I really need some supportive words. I contacted my ex narcissist when I was drunk and he came to see me, he was so horrible to me when we were in a relationship. I finally ended things, and blocked him 2 months ago. He was verbally and emotionally abusive when we were together, after I broke up with him he tried stalking me and sent me threats and was so abusive (just before I blocked him 2 months ago).

I told all my friends including some of our mutual friends how horrible this guy was and that I never wanted him in my life again, they were all shocked to hear how badly he treated me. I’m the fool who then gets drunk and spends the night with him (we didn’t have sex), and hung out the next day.

I am having the worse regret of my life, I spent the night with him. We had ice cream together the next day, and even kissed and held hands, and hugged. I told him I couldn’t see him again, before we kissed goodbye and hugged. Said I would never be able to be with him again, and never want to talk or see him again. I kept him blocked. The way he treated me in our toxic relationship was awful and actions inexcusable, now I am so angry at myself that he got the satisfaction of spending time with me, and kissing me etc. he didn’t deserve any of that. 

Obviously I’m keeping him blocked and will never contact him again. Have I lost my self respect by doing this? How do I shake this awful sick feeling of deep regret that I even spent time with a man who treated me so badly. Will he realise I just made a mistake, and see me as having self worth by not unblocking him, and know that I can’t forgive him by not hearing from me ever again / keeping him blocked?

[Kwothe28]

17 minutes ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Will he realise I just made a mistake, and see me as having self worth by not unblocking him, and know that I can’t forgive him by not hearing from me ever again / keeping him blocked?

If he is a true narcissist I dont think he cares enough. For a narcissist you are just a tool for them to play it. A fan who is there for their entertainment and manipulation. If anything, you just confirmed that you are exactly that by calling him over at your place. And that after all he has done, you were still inlove with him. Narcissist only thing about themselves as some grandiose creatures with grandious life. That plays into his fake self- image(because in most cases its fake, they just have illusions of grandiour) and reafirming it. You literally dont matter there at all. In his mind, you are just some girl that still loves him and that he can do whatever he wants with you.

I am sorry, but your regrets are just only with you. And in time you would have to forgive yourself for it. We as a humans do a mistakes and pay for it. Your shame because of your actions is one form of payment. Be lucky its just a shame, that is almost lowest form of payment. Shame passes after some time. More dire consequnces maybe stay forever. Just be sure not to be a tool again. Because I assure you, calling your ex abusive narcissistic boyfriend over, is not saying "self-worth" at all.

[DarkCh0c0]

Ugh, I feel you. I've been with such a man. I'm happy you haven't slept with him though.

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Time will heal this memory. Just delete asap his contact number from your phone.

Are you seeking therapy to help you heal from this relationship? Abusive relationships take a toll on the victims self esteem and worth, so it's good to get help and support.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Will he realise I just made a mistake, and see me as having self worth by not unblocking him

You still care way too much what he thinks of you. He likely doesn't put that much thought into it, anyway. 

Focus instead on forgiving yourself for this. You will move past it, but only when you stop beating yourself up for it. 

[boltnrun]

Please work with a professional therapist or counselor to get to the root of why, despite how horribly he treated you, you still love him and want him to think highly of you.

Your dependency on him doesn't harm him one bit. It just harms you.

Please do delete his info and do everything you can to ensure you are unable to contact him ever again.

[moodindigo91]

4 hours ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

I told him I couldn’t see him again, before we kissed goodbye and hugged.

You have given him mixed signals. You are telling him you can't see him and want nothing to do with him, but simultaneously seeing him and being affectionate with him. For a narcissist, this is a sign that he still has some form of control over you, that there's still room for manipulation. 

4 hours ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Have I lost my self respect by doing this?

At the very least, you have shown that you can be weak, and that he can take advantage of this weakness to get what he wants from you, which is more time with you, and subsequently more control. He'll keep doing this until you're back together again as a couple, and it will keep going on and on thereafter if you don't stop this now. 

4 hours ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Will he realise I just made a mistake, and see me as having self worth by not unblocking him, and know that I can’t forgive him by not hearing from me ever again / keeping him blocked?

He will never realize this unless and until you actually physically break complete contact with him for an extended period of time. Like 6 months to a year at least. Any time you allow some form of contact, he sees it as an opening to gain control over you. It's not up to you to track his realizations or ensure that he understands why you have left and no longer want to be with him. You only need to protect yourself. It doesn't matter whether he ever understands anything that transpired between you in the way you want him to. Just cut all contact with him and work on moving on. 

[Hotrocket1111]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

You have given him mixed signals. You are telling him you can't see him and want nothing to do with him, but simultaneously seeing him and being affectionate with him. For a narcissist, this is a sign that he still has some form of control over you, that there's still room for manipulation. 

At the very least, you have shown that you can be weak, and that he can take advantage of this weakness to get what he wants from you, which is more time with you, and subsequently more control. He'll keep doing this until you're back together again as a couple, and it will keep going on and on thereafter if you don't stop this now. 

He will never realize this unless and until you actually physically break complete contact with him for an extended period of time. Like 6 months to a year at least. Any time you allow some form of contact, he sees it as an opening to gain control over you. It's not up to you to track his realizations or ensure that he understands why you have left and no longer want to be with him. You only need to protect yourself. It doesn't matter whether he ever understands anything that transpired between you in the way you want him to. Just cut all contact with him and work on moving on. 

Thanks, the way you described things all makes sense. I am beating myself up because I had walked away from him 2 months ago with full dignity in tact, then to go and ruin it all and spend time with him, kiss him and be affectionate etc. cried in front of him and showed vulnerability has discredited all the hard work I done by walking away and staying no contact. Given my power away… But I am hoping that at the very least the fact I haven’t unblocked him will show him that I have the will power to stick to this now and not break no contact again, and that I haven’t just ran back into his arms and given him another chance. I will keep him blocked and surely he will realise, I don’t forgive him and have sense to know not to give him a chance again. I’m worried about how all his friends will think I’m a fool now too, once they hear from him what I done. One of his mates he lives with was even there and knew I slept over.

[Hotrocket1111]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You still care way too much what he thinks of you. He likely doesn't put that much thought into it, anyway. 

Focus instead on forgiving yourself for this. You will move past it, but only when you stop beating yourself up for it. 

Thank you. He will realise since I’ve kept him blocked and haven’t given him yet another chance (we broke up at least 5 times in the past, and each time I kept forgiving him) but this time cos I’ll keep him blocked, surely he will know that I don’t forgive him and even though I showed him affection and spent time with him, at the end of the day I haven’t given him another chance, and by keeping him blocked I still have some sort of dignity and self respect… right? I hope.

[Hotrocket1111]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Ugh, I feel you. I've been with such a man. I'm happy you haven't slept with him though.

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Time will heal this memory. Just delete asap his contact number from your phone.

Are you seeking therapy to help you heal from this relationship? Abusive relationships take a toll on the victims self esteem and worth, so it's good to get help and support.

Thank you. He will realise since I’ve kept him blocked and haven’t given him yet another chance (we broke up at least 5 times in the past, and each time I kept forgiving him) but this time cos I’ll keep him blocked, surely he will know that I don’t forgive him and even though I showed him affection and spent time with him, at the end of the day I haven’t given him another chance, and by keeping him blocked I still have some sort of dignity and self respect… right? I hope.

 

[Jaunty]

21 minutes ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Thank you. He will realise since I’ve kept him blocked and haven’t given him yet another chance (we broke up at least 5 times in the past, and each time I kept forgiving him) but this time cos I’ll keep him blocked, surely he will know that I don’t forgive him and even though I showed him affection and spent time with him, at the end of the day I haven’t given him another chance, and by keeping him blocked I still have some sort of dignity and self respect… right? I hope.

No.  Not right.  If he is really a narcissist, he won't "realize" anything about you, because you don't really exist fully to him.   You  represent "narcissistic supply" and you gave him what he needed.  According to you you still did have him blocked.  That made no difference.  

Stop thinking about him and concerning yourself with what he realizes, knows, or thinks about you.   It's immaterial.   You need not to care about that.

Just take care of yourself.  Yes, forgive yourself for this lapse in judgement, but recognize whatever you did to set yourself up for this and change it so it doesn't happen again.

Evidently you blocked him, but you did not delete him - since you were able to contact him.  So take that option away from yourself.  Also make a plan to call a special trustworthy friend if you feel like reaching out to your ex. Or look for a support group.   It's like being a recovering alcoholic - you need to have a safety net for when you are weakening.   

[boltnrun]

The fact that every one of your responses dealt primarily with what HE thinks of you and how HE feels shows you are still entirely enmeshed with him. 

Have you considered counseling to help you detach emotionally from this man? Keeping him blocked is meaningless if you're still in love with him and continue to give him access to you. Counseling can help tremendously with removing him completely from your thoughts and emotions.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

with full dignity in tact

1 hour ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

Given my power away

I think this is very subjective. You really are beating yourself up, and you should really work to speak to yourself more kindly. If he is really a narcissist, then you have been manipulated in ways that most people will never experience. Give yourself credit for leaving in the first place and keeping him blocked, etc. You haven't given your power away. Your power is always with you. 

1 hour ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

I’m worried about how all his friends will think I’m a fool now too, once they hear from him what I done.

Who cares about these people? Your relationship with him is over. What your ex or his friends think about you should not even be a thought on your mind. They are no longer in your life. Why? Because YOU made that decision for YOURSELF to remove them from your life, for your own good. That is powerful. 

You should really work on more positive self-talk, I think it would be helpful for you. Try reframing every negative thought you have into something positive. And also try to recognize that people are judging you all the time everywhere, you just have to learn to love yourself and make decision that are right for you, and not care what those people think. Maybe try some meditation, daily positive affirmations, things like that. Keep building up your self-confidence. You are strong for leaving, and you are strong by keeping him blocked. You've made the right decision. Maybe you had a moment of weakness, but it's over now. Time to learn from that mistake and move forward. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Hotrocket1111 said:

, at the end of the day I haven’t given him another chance, and by keeping him blocked I still have some sort of dignity and self respect… right? I hope

You have dignity and self-respect when you give it yourself. You don't need him nor his opinion of you.

Have you sought therapy to help you work through that relationship? Cause you sound like you are struggling with trauma bonding. Most survivors of abusive relationships suffer from it. It took me too a few trials to leave my ex as well, so I sympathize with you. I quote:

"Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional bond that develops between a survivor of prolonged abuse and the perpetrator of the abuse. This bond can be responsible for keeping a trauma survivor in a toxic, and sometimes potentially fatal, relationship with their abuser. Counseling with a trauma-informed therapist can help the survivor break the trauma bond."

I recommend you read more about trauma-bonding as you surely would identify with the symptoms: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-bonding/ and read about ways to cope.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

No.  Not right.  If he is really a narcissist, he won't "realize" anything about you, because you don't really exist fully to him.   You  represent "narcissistic supply" and you gave him what he needed.  According to you you still did have him blocked.  That made no difference.  

 

Exactly. She thinks its some "power struggle" where she "regained power" by blocking him and keeping him there. While in reality, she doesnt even exist in the equation.

OP, narcissists have their own imaginery world. Where they are at the top always, no matter what happens. If the truth doesnt suit their reality, they just "gaslight" themselves or others in order to be like that. Because they cant have no flaws.

For example, to him you are just some girl that is still in love with him and that he can do whatever he wants with you. So much so that you are still, after break up, calling him to spend a night there. Because he is just that "great alpha male". You literally dont matter there. You are an object to him, not a person. Object that he plays with. If anything, you calling him just reinbursted his narcissistic view of himself. He wont realize anything because to him there is nothing to realize there. 

Its you who need to forgive yourself for your mistake and learn from it. As well as learning about narcissistic personalities. For example this is what I was talking about

Quote

 

Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur

Since reality doesn't support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control. These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized away. Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully around their denial of reality.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Yep. My ex is completely convinced every girl or woman he's ever had even the slightest involvement with is madly and endlessly in love with him. He can easily go back to them any time he wants because we are all panting to have him with us. Anyone of us who stays away is just "playing hard to get" or is in a corner crying until he returns to us. If any of us dates anyone else he rages, accusing us of never really loving him. He actually cries because he legit feels betrayed. Never mind that he's lied to each of us and cheated on all of us. Usually with each other, ironically. We exist only to make him feel good about himself.

Your ex will never ever "realize" anything about you because he's already written the script.

Instead of expending energy and thoughts trying to get him to "realize" anything, I recommend you do whatever you need to detach yourself emotionally from him. It will do you a world of good.

[Jaunty]

Why do you consider him to be a narcissist?  Not that it really matters in this context because the important thing is that you know he's bad for you, the relationship was bad for you and that you need to take care of yourself.