Girlfriend texting her ex & calling him in the early stages of knowing each other

[chris9393]

She states she cant remember what the calls were about in total there were 4 calls and possibly more deleted texts one call was after we had officially got together I have now been with her about 3-4 years but often find myself looking back to this with the thoughts of what if she did more? What if she called him to say like she couldn't see him anymore as she is officially with me now? She just says she doesn't remember what any call was about which is a bit weird. 

He once sent her a romantic penguin picture which I saw and questioned in the very beginning and she text back saying you cant be sending me things like that anymore I have got a new man apparently but I doubt that is even true as she told many pointless lies to hide things and sound 'cool' in the beginning. 

He was a much older man with cancer which I can appreciate but I don't understand why she continued to text her ex and the person she cheated on him with the very early stages of knowing me before we were officially together but we were spending all our free time together or so I thought she swears she never went round but I am not sure if I believe that in all honesty.  Also when he was about to die he text her saying call me when you can & she went to say her goodbyes at the hospital which I wouldn't of had a problem with but its the fact this was all done behind my back I didn't really deserve that, this was 8 months in.

She's a great girlfriend nowadays but I keep looking back to the start and thinking what if it and it troubles my mind mentally at work and things she said she felt sorry for him once which were the reasons for the calls I mean they had seven years together & ended on good terms but in the very beginning its clear she wasn't over that relationship at all so I am unsure if I should leave and find someone new, the price of property and getting my own mortgage would not be an option but I do have a joint mortgage with her which we are progressing on. She's a lovely looking girl & does a lot for me but I just don't know what do a lot of the contact occurred before we were officially together but at the time she assured me she wasn't talking to anyone else etc which turned out to be a lie obviously. 

 

What would you do? I am not sure if to find a new girl and new life or stick it out and forget this for good?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, chris9393 said:

I do have a joint mortgage with her which we are progressing on. 

You're together 4 years, own a place together and you're obsessing about her having brief contact with a dying ex before you were official?

What are the real problems? Are you afraid to commit? 

 

[Kwothe28]

Its a weird one. You lost trust because you found out about it. So now she can be the best girlfriend in the world and you would still have doubts. 

Anyway, if its about the guy, the guy is dead. Has been for years. She is with you and probably commited only to you. If you trust her enough that she wont cheat or do stuff like that, just leave it in the past. You have a house and mortgage with that girl. Its kinda late to question something like that if its the only thing that happened that warrants attention. Especially if you go along well.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you're not getting along so doing some injustice-collecting (google it) to demonize her:

 

[indea08]

Why is this coming to the surface now, after 4 years of relationship with her? Something else is amiss.

What she did, who she called/texted, and who she visited before you were “official” is none of your business. Honestly, and I might be in the minority for this, even after becoming official, she didn’t owe you the knowledge of her every thought, feeing, and conversation. A person she spent a large chunk of her life with was dying, and just based off of the comments you make here, it doesn’t seem like it would’ve been a safe space for her to be honest with you about her feelings related to that. If you want someone to be forthcoming, you have to first show them you’re committed to being open minded and not defensive.

I strongly encourage you to quit looking for past problems, and look at the relationship you have today. You mention multiple times that she’s a great girlfriend now, so why are you trying to sabotage that with memories from years ago? 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, chris9393 said:

She states she cant remember what the calls were about in total there were 4 calls and possibly more deleted texts one call was after we had officially got together I have now been with her about 3-4 years but often find myself looking back to this with the thoughts of what if she did more? What if she called him to say like she couldn't see him anymore as she is officially with me now? She just says she doesn't remember what any call was about which is a bit weird. 

He once sent her a romantic penguin picture which I saw and questioned in the very beginning and she text back saying you cant be sending me things like that anymore I have got a new man apparently but I doubt that is even true as she told many pointless lies to hide things and sound 'cool' in the beginning. 

He was a much older man with cancer which I can appreciate but I don't understand why she continued to text her ex and the person she cheated on him with the very early stages of knowing me before we were officially together but we were spending all our free time together or so I thought she swears she never went round but I am not sure if I believe that in all honesty.  Also when he was about to die he text her saying call me when you can & she went to say her goodbyes at the hospital which I wouldn't of had a problem with but its the fact this was all done behind my back I didn't really deserve that, this was 8 months in.

She's a great girlfriend nowadays but I keep looking back to the start and thinking what if it and it troubles my mind mentally at work and things she said she felt sorry for him once which were the reasons for the calls I mean they had seven years together & ended on good terms but in the very beginning its clear she wasn't over that relationship at all so I am unsure if I should leave and find someone new, the price of property and getting my own mortgage would not be an option but I do have a joint mortgage with her which we are progressing on. She's a lovely looking girl & does a lot for me but I just don't know what do a lot of the contact occurred before we were officially together but at the time she assured me she wasn't talking to anyone else etc which turned out to be a lie obviously. 

 

What would you do? I am not sure if to find a new girl and new life or stick it out and forget this for good?

What's interesting is that nowhere in your write up did you describe your affection, care or love for her or any kind of togetherness or closeness that you have as a couple. She's described as a "great girlfriend", "lovely looking" and "does a lot for you". I get the feeling that you're with her out of convenience rather than any real shared love or respect for one another. If she's just a status symbol for you or someone have around and do things for you, this is not working. You don't respect her and this will never work.

The bottomline is you don't trust her so no amount of pretzeling or convincing yourself that she's for you is going to fix this. Trust is either there or it isn't. The issue is that she told white lies early on providing a shaky foundation or start for the both of you. No matter how much of a great girlfriend she is now, you still have doubts about her, don't respect her and don't understand why she did what she did. You are not required to. She's also now denying or deflecting, not wanting to discuss what the calls were about because she may think you're obsessive and no matter what she says you will never let this drop.

All that you need to do is figure out when you want to call a spade a spade and enough with the back and forth. I'm sure she's grown in this process and has learned a lot from her experience. It's sad that she's continuing in this relationship knowing or feeling that you aren't able to trust her. One of you has to come to your senses if you can't move past this.

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I can't make heads or tails out of this thread.  Am I missing something?