What are the odds that this guy is interested in me?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mystic said:

 It just feels like he WANTS to say more and stuff, but he is nervous to.

Ok it's simple. Ask him to get a coffee break/lunch together or if he would like to go for a drink after work. 

This accomplishes 2 things. You'll know immediately if he is interested/available. Of course the risk is it would end the fantasy if he says no, busy, etc.. 

Do not buy or offer gifts. That is creepy and unprofessional. Keep in mind, you are both there to get a paycheck, so always be professional.

[Mystic]

30 minutes ago, Jamie425 said:

You don't need an excuse to talk to him.  It sounds like you two have talked plenty. Didn't you say you talked to him about your problems that weren't about work? (Sorry, I don't remember.) I assumed if your conversations were that intimate, the basics like his hobbies and relationship status had been covered.

Hobbies are easy. When you're talking, just ask him. "What do you do outside of work? I picture you...whatever you picture him doing. "Going to the gym, pub trivia. You seem like a dog person. Am I close?."

Girlfriend thing also easy. It sounds like he goes out of his way for you. Offer to do something nice for him. Like "You are so sweet to me. I'm going to buy a gift certificate for you and your girlfriend to go to dinner. What's your favorite restaurant?"

I see nothing wrong with asking a man out. It just isn't me. And, I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like you. You have shared so much and you haven't even asked his hobbies or if he has a girlfriend. And it's a shame to miss a chance because nobody wanted to ask questions that aren't that hard. 

Recently, I ran into a guy from high school. He was beautiful. Never would have thought he'd be interested in me. He said he always wanted to ask me out but I had dated a college guy and he thought that's all Iked. I would have LOVED to go out with him.

I was just trying to coach you out of your shell. I hope my suggestions have been helpful. Do what feels right to you. That, I cannot know 

P.S. Has he asked you your status and hobbies?

Yes, you have been helpful. Yes, I did mention as outside-of-work issue and now he has too. So we've both discussed things outside of work. He did not mention a girlfriend and I would have definitely figured he would have if there was one with the topic he brought up.

I guess we just haven't made it to hobbies and such yet. We have talked several times - I've now initiated once and he's initiated several times. Next up, yes, I am going to try to see more of what he likes to do. Ask if there are any plans for the weekend or somethjng. I also plan to see if he says anything tomorrow. I tried to make it clear that I wouldn't have minded if he would have approached me earlier. Since he said he didn't want to just walk up on me, I assumed he debated about it, but ultimately decided not to, likely out of being shy.

[Mystic]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok it's simple. Ask him to get a coffee break/lunch together or if he would like to go for a drink after work. 

This accomplishes 2 things. You'll know immediately if he is interested/available. Of course the risk is it would end the fantasy if he says no, busy, etc.. 

Do not buy or offer gifts. That is creepy and unprofessional. Keep in mind, you are both there to get a paycheck, so always be professional.

No, I would never ask to buy him a gift card for him and his gf or anything like that. If I were to subtly hint about a gf, I'd just tell him I thought he was nice/pleasant to talk to and his gf was lucky. Something along those lines. I would not do anything gift-related unless we actually were something. Then, it'd be done OUTSIDE of work and off company time.

I just figured he probably wanted to say more and approach me more, but often second-guessed it likely from being shy. Just by the way he said he had seen me, wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me definitely seemed like he had debated coming over, but ultimately "chickened out" so to speak. He had approached before as I've already shared. Today was my first time initiating. He had initiated everything until now. That's why I wanted to do something. I wanted to further test things and hopefully get him to come around and see that I'm ok with his company. I wouldn't want him to assume he was bothering me and was "making me" interact with him.

[Jamie425]

2 minutes ago, Mystic said:

Yes, you have been helpful. Yes, I did mention as outside-of-work issue and now he has too. So we've both discussed things outside of work. He did not mention a girlfriend and I would have definitely figured he would have if there was one with the topic he brought up.

I guess we just haven't made it to hobbies and such yet. We have talked several times - I've now initiated once and he's initiated several times. Next up, yes, I am going to try to see more of what he likes to do. Ask if there are any plans for the weekend or somethjng. I also plan to see if he says anything tomorrow. I tried to make it clear that I wouldn't have minded if he would have approached me earlier. Since he said he didn't want to just walk up on me, I assumed he debated about it, but ultimately decided not to, likely out of being shy.

Sorry didn't see that part. I need stronger glasses. I don't understand. You said "I wouldn't have minded if he had approached me earlier." Why is when he approached you an issue?

[Batya33]

My husband was very very shy when we first met at work. He took 9 months to ask me to lunch. We spoke on three or four occasions during that time period at company events.  He said later he was motivated to ask me out - despite being so shy - because he said I put my hand on his arm (he was wearing a suit if that matters) while we were talking. I probably did but briefly. 
I most likely would not have dated had we worked together.  Too risky. 

[Jamie425]

2 minutes ago, Mystic said:

No, I would never ask to buy him a gift card for him and his gf or anything like that. If I were to subtly hint about a gf, I'd just tell him I thought he was nice/pleasant to talk to and his gf was lucky. Something along those lines. I would not do anything gift-related unless we actually were something. Then, it'd be done OUTSIDE of work and off company time.

I just figured he probably wanted to say more and approach me more, but often second-guessed it likely from being shy. Just by the way he said he had seen me, wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me definitely seemed like he had debated coming over, but ultimately "chickened out" so to speak. He had approached before as I've already shared. Today was my first time initiating. He had initiated everything until now. That's why I wanted to do something. I wanted to further test things and hopefully get him to come around and see that I'm ok with his company. I wouldn't want him to assume he was bothering me and was "making me" interact with him.

If you're  telling him about her problems outside of work and he's enlisting the help of others, you've ready gone past the strictly professional relationship. You're friends. And there is  nothing wrong with offering recompense to a friend who's taken time and trouble for you. And I didn't say to buy it. It's just one of many ways to find out if he has a girlfriend. And if it is for him and his girlfriend, there's nothing creepy about it.

The next time he does something for you, could say, "You are so nice. Your wife or girlfriend is lucky."  If you ask him what he does outside of work, he should mention a wife or girlfriend. Offering to cook him dinner or asking him out for drinks is creepy. You don't even know how hobbies or relationship status. If he does have a girlfriend or he's just a nice helpful guy who thinks of you as just a friend, a work friend, that would be very awkward. It would make him uncomfortable. And you'd have a whole lot of egg on your face.

IF he does have a girlfriend, he should have mentioned her by now. If he doesn't, greenlight. If he does, it's no big loss.

 

 

[Lambert]

On 7/14/2022 at 5:45 PM, smackie9 said:

walk past, drop a pen and when you pick it up do the look back...see his reaction... that should give you your answer. 

the bend and snap! works every time!  lol

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Mystic said:

Most people would have mentioned a significant other by now.

That depends, again, you dont know much about the guy and think he is shy. Lots of people are private about stuff like that and dont advertise so you would need to ask.

Anyway, I already told that I think you are both too passive. And if you want it to go somewhere else then just "work crush", it needs to be progressing. Meaning to at least talk more, get him to open a bit and see if you can get a date. There is no pointing in both of you fawning over each other if its not going anywhere and neither is going to make a move. 

[Mystic]

24 minutes ago, Jamie425 said:

If you're  telling him about her problems outside of work and he's enlisting the help of others, you've ready gone past the strictly professional relationship. You're friends. And there is  nothing wrong with offering recompense to a friend who's taken time and trouble for you. And I didn't say to buy it. It's just one of many ways to find out if he has a girlfriend. And if it is for him and his girlfriend, there's nothing creepy about it.

The next time he does something for you, could say, "You are so nice. Your wife or girlfriend is lucky."  If you ask him what he does outside of work, he should mention a wife or girlfriend. Offering to cook him dinner or asking him out for drinks is creepy. You don't even know how hobbies or relationship status. If he does have a girlfriend or he's just a nice helpful guy who thinks of you as just a friend, a work friend, that would be very awkward. It would make him uncomfortable. And you'd have a whole lot of egg on your face.

IF he does have a girlfriend, he should have mentioned her by now. If he doesn't, greenlight. If he does, it's no big loss.

 

 

Agreed that he certainly should have mentioned her by now if he has one. I also would find this behavior TOO friendly for someone who is spoken for. So I'm hoping that it is a green light situation. It feels like it. So we shall see. I hope to know more by tomorrow.

[Mystic]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

That depends, again, you dont know much about the guy and think he is shy. Lots of people are private about stuff like that and dont advertise so you would need to ask.

Anyway, I already told that I think you are both too passive. And if you want it to go somewhere else then just "work crush", it needs to be progressing. Meaning to at least talk more, get him to open a bit and see if you can get a date. There is no pointing in both of you fawning over each other if its not going anywhere and neither is going to make a move. 

I agree and I hope to know more by tomorrow. I do think it was a good sign he chose to open up and share what was bothering him today.

[Mystic]

46 minutes ago, Jamie425 said:

Sorry didn't see that part. I need stronger glasses. I don't understand. You said "I wouldn't have minded if he had approached me earlier." Why is when he approached you an issue?

When he said he saw me earlier in the day and wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me... I was meaning I wouldn't have minded if he had walked up to ask me.

[Jamie425]

34 minutes ago, Mystic said:

When he said he saw me earlier in the day and wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me... I was meaning I wouldn't have minded if he had walked up to ask me.

I cannot know. I don't like to assume. But I would be shocked if he's not very interested in you. I was only giving what I thought would be helpful suggestions.  Do what feels right. Or wait for him to. Best wishes.

[Batya33]

I was a summer intern at a large company many years ago.  A guy also in his 20s -an intern -flirted outrageously with me for weeks.  I asked him to lunch and we went to get pizza.  The first thing he spoke of -after looking around awkwardly -was his girlfriend.  Don't assume.

[Jamie425]

2 hours ago, Jamie425 said:

I cannot know. I don't like to assume. But I would be shocked if he's not very interested in you. I was only giving what I thought would be helpful suggestions.  Do what feels right. Or wait for him to. Best wishes.

Again, I don't like to assume. And I don't think you do either. After all the attention he's paid you, a lot of women would assume he has no girlfriend, he's interested, and ask him out. That's why I think suggesting drinks after work is a bad idea. Imagine putting yourself out there, getting your hopes up because he says yes, wasting your time just to find out he's in a relationship. But you're being cautious and allowing for every possibility. Kudos!

[Jaunty]

I don't really understand all of this minute dissection of glances, words exchanged, facial expressions etc.  

He might be madly in love with you but if neither of you is going to do anything, what does it amount to?

Since this has been going on for around 2 weeks, it's time to just ask him if he'd like to meet for coffee or whatever seems most comfortable to you.  If you don't want to do this, analyzing his behavior is a waste of time.  Just get on with your normal life and social activities.  Maybe he'll get his nerve up some day.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Mystic said:

When he said he saw me earlier in the day and wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me... I was meaning I wouldn't have minded if he had walked up to ask me.

It seems almost like a journal of "My crush" rather than anything actually going on.  Agree that a lot of overanalysis of meaningless "signs" is going on in your head. 

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?  

It may help you to understand that men are not all that "shy" and most likely there are really only 3 scenarios.

1. He doesn't want messy office romances.

2. He has a GF.

3. He is not interested.

Don't waste time on insincere tricks and games like comments about his GF, hoping he volunteers more info.. So far he doesn't seem interested at all and this seems like a fantasy journal of a romance that only exits in your mind.

[Batya33]

Is he interested in flirting with you/being friends? Yes.  Is he interested in/available to date you? Not right now.  Because a person who is interested and available will ask you out on a date he plans in advance.  So if it's fun to catalogue all the ways he is showing potential attraction to you that's fine but if you really want to know if he is interested in dating you you can ask him to coffee because he might be reluctant because of the work situation but most men even really shy men as my husband was - choose the gal over the fear of asking someone out.  With rare exception.

[Jamie425]

13 hours ago, Mystic said:

Agreed that he certainly should have mentioned her by now if he has one. I also would find this behavior TOO friendly for someone who is spoken for. So I'm hoping that it is a green light situation. It feels like it. So we shall see. I hope to know more by tomorrow.

You can come right out and ask him if he has a girlfriend. I just thought you were just too shy. The premise that, "If a man is interested, he will make it happen." But not all men are the same. (Example: the beautiful boy from high school and he's not the only one: just the only one I REALLY wish had asked).

You're right. He is too friendly for someone with a girlfriend he hasn't mentioned. So, and I think I've already said this) If he has a girlfriend, it's no big loss.

How does he act around the other women in the office? Just as cordial and helpful? If so, how does he get any work done?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jamie425 said:

You can come right out and ask him if he has a girlfriend. I just thought you were just too shy. The premise that, "If a man is interested, he will make it happen." But not all men are the same. (Example: the beautiful boy from high school and he's not the only one: just the only one I REALLY wish had asked).

You're right. He is too friendly for someone with a girlfriend he hasn't mentioned. So, and I think I've already said this) If he has a girlfriend, it's no big loss.

How does he act around the other women in the office? Just as cordial and helpful? If so, how does he get any work done?

I think most men who are interested and available to date will ask a woman out on a date if they are interested in dating the woman.  With rare exception because not all men are the same.  I'd be reallllly careful about asking a person at work about their romantic life - it's ok to assume someone with a wedding band and photos of a spouse is married- but beyond that tread very very lightly.  Asking someone out for lunch at work is not a date - and it's fine even if the person is married.

I used to have lunch every couple of months with a former colleague who is male and married when I was single and/or had a boyfriend.  We had somewhat personal discussions -meaning like what vacations we were taking, about his kids, and I think our last lunch I was pregnant so we talked about my exciting plans, etc - but mostly it was to catch up and network professionally.  I assume his wife knew- but there was nothing to know.  Had there been any flirting etc I'd have stopped meeting him. 

I met other men in this manner too, professionally. When my future husband who I worked with asked me to lunch I actually didn't know if it was supposed to be a date.  It was during the work day, down the block.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Jamie425 said:

If so, how does he get any work done?

Agree. If you are spending all this time wondering about his every gesture, word, look, stance, etc., how are you able to do your job? Why can't you find a BF outside of work?

Certainly nothing is happening here. Not even a coffee break or lunch. Helpful coworkers are not "flirting".

There's plenty of men in the big wide world who don't work there, so pondering his perceived interest 24/7 is preventing you from dating men who are in fact single and interested.

You just exited a bad relationship, so take some time to regroup:

 

[Jamie425]

Didn't you say he told you he wanted to come talk to you but didn't know what you were doing or something similar? I'd say that's pretty flirtatious. Telling him about your problems outside of work and him offering to ask around? Does he even have time to do that for everyone. If you have coffee breaks at your job and you two don't talk during them, that's a bad sign 

Forget the gift card! It was a bad idea just off the top of my head. Just ask what he does outside of work. A girlfriend should come up then. I see signals that he's attracted to you and no evidence you've analyzed his every mood or gesture. You just want to know his hobbies and if he has a girlfriend: basics.

You might just have to come right out and ask him.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Jamie425 said:

I see signals that he's attracted to you and no evidence you've analyzed his every mood or gesture. You just want to know his hobbies and if he has a girlfriend: basics.

I think the only relevant signal of interest in dating is asking someone out on a date -anything else could mean anything under the sun and analyzing signals also leads to overthinking and often jadedness.  I love the idea of a general question that should prompt him to tell the OP if he is involved with someone.  

[Mystic]

18 hours ago, Jamie425 said:

I cannot know. I don't like to assume. But I would be shocked if he's not very interested in you. I was only giving what I thought would be helpful suggestions.  Do what feels right. Or wait for him to. Best wishes.

You have been helpful and I appreciate. Others seem to think he is interested as well. I will play it by ear and see what happens. As always, I will definitely stick with my gut feeling too.

[Mystic]

4 hours ago, Jamie425 said:

Didn't you say he told you he wanted to come talk to you but didn't know what you were doing or something similar? I'd say that's pretty flirtatious. Telling him about your problems outside of work and him offering to ask around? Does he even have time to do that for everyone. If you have coffee breaks at your job and you two don't talk during them, that's a bad sign 

Forget the gift card! It was a bad idea just off the top of my head. Just ask what he does outside of work. A girlfriend should come up then. I see signals that he's attracted to you and no evidence you've analyzed his every mood or gesture. You just want to know his hobbies and if he has a girlfriend: basics.

You might just have to come right out and ask him.

 

Thank you for this! We don't do "coffee" at my job unless you happen to bring it with you for your break. And yes me and him do have separate break times unfortunately.

Yes he did say that. He told me he had seen me at work doing something and had wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just "walk up on me" like that. That signaled to me that he was shy to approach me but absolutely had considered it. I get the feeling he probably does that a lot - wants to say something or come over, but holds back because he second guesses himself.

I agree as well with the problem thing. I happened to mention something outside of work... he right away jumped to offering assistance AND said he'd ask buddies for their input as well. He said he'd hopefully have an answer by the end of the day. To me, that was a clever way to play it out and have another reason to come to me later that day. And that he did. He brought a male friend with him and we all 3 discussed it and came up with a decision that proved successful. The friend ended up asking me just a couple days ago whether I had gotten it figured out or not and was really happy to hear it worked and we had all successfully gotten it resolved. This friend of the guy's has took to being friendly to me - chatting when we've never talked before and giving me small smiles in passing (NOT the same smiles as the guy in question - the friend is clearly giving only friendly ones). The friend also does not come directly up TO me to talk like the guy in question does. He stays casual and maintains proper distance. The guy in question comes directly up to me and stands very near each time.

I agree that a move like that would be considered special treatment because as you said - who even has time to do that for everyone at work? Who has time ton just listen to someone and offer every solution plus ask a friend to help too? Seems like a lot of time to invest if you aren't into someone romantically.

Then, the guy in question also shared one of HIS issues outside of work with me yesterday. So we've both shared outside-of-work issues. Why bother with that if you just view someone as a casual work friend?

Since tomorrow is Friday, if I am able to, I plan to ask about the weekend. Surely a girlfriend will absolutely come up if she exists. I would have thought he would have mentioned one when he talked to me yesterday given the subject matter. It involved his house and he said MY house. Not me and my girlfriend's house or anything. True, maybe he has one and they don't currently live together... but I'd just assume he probably would have mentioned it.

[Mystic]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems almost like a journal of "My crush" rather than anything actually going on.  Agree that a lot of overanalysis of meaningless "signs" is going on in your head. 

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?  

It may help you to understand that men are not all that "shy" and most likely there are really only 3 scenarios.

1. He doesn't want messy office romances.

2. He has a GF.

3. He is not interested.

Don't waste time on insincere tricks and games like comments about his GF, hoping he volunteers more info.. So far he doesn't seem interested at all and this seems like a fantasy journal of a romance that only exits in your mind.

Your opinions are your opinions. Everyone else seems to say yes, it shows signs of attraction. You're against work place romance. Fine. Not everyone else has issues with it.

I am well aware not all guys are "shy". He does seem to be. I am also well aware that some guys are not interested in you. I've noticed those signs in other guys. I have noticed how his one male friend (the one who helped with the problem) will act with me vs. how HE acts with me. It IS different. The friend does not approach. He did talk to me, but he kept a fair distance. He was nice, but you could tell he was just being friendly and nothing romantic was there. I also seen how that friend acts around another girl where we work. WAY different. I think he likes her because he acts exactly how the guy in question acts with me. The guy in question DOES approach me directly and stands close to me, entirely facing me. And he makes eye contact. He seems shy to approach, but once he does, then he seems to relax more. It's like once he gets it out of the way, the confidence comes out.

He seems to also pay attention to me even when I don't know it... hence yesterday. He said he saw me and wondered what I was doing, but didn't want to just walk up on me like that. I didn't even know he was around. Clearly, he was watching me and noticed what I was doing. And he obviously thought about whether to approach or not.

I am still playing it out. I am taking it as it comes and seeing what happens. If we give things a chance, awesome. If not, well, it sucks but oh well.