The ex factor should I trust him?

[stokedforsnow]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. We were talking engagement and moving in. We had a huge fight the other night and I walked out. I went back to his house an hour later and saw his ex girlfriends car in front with her sitting in it. She pulled away as soon as she saw me and I confronted him about it. The ex is a friend of his step-family and he claims that he was going to his cousin's birthday party and the club wouldn't let him in because of what he was wearing so she gave him a ride back home to change. I don't think they were up to anything because she was waiting outside, but I still feel a bit betrayed. He broke up with her to be with me. Please note that we were friends before we were boyfriend/girlfriend and I did not engage in a physical relationship with him before things ended with her. I gave him the space he needed to figure out what he wanted and he ended up leaving her. After three years he still has this guilt complex about it. He seems to have abandonment issues as well (his parents split up a few years ago). He keeps calling me and is begging for me to take him back but it hurts too much right now. He keeps asking me to marry him and tells me how I am the one he is supposed to be with. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this. I love him with all my heart and I thought that we were supposed to be together forever. I can't handle the ex thing and she will always be around since she is close to his new step family. Do I have the right to ask that he cut ties with her? Normally I can handle my boyfriend keeping in touch with his ex, but this is getting out of control and the concern he keeps showing her only ends up hurting me. I believe the fact that nothing is going on and his mom called me to say the same thing but I can't explain to you how empty I feel. He has problems with my platonic chidhood male friends, yet somehow he expects me to be ok with this. I feel that he is a bit of a hipocrite.

[punchy504]

if you want to stay with him he will have to make a choice, as long as you are not doing it just to be controlling you are perfectly right to ask him to limit his contact with her to only the times it is unavoidable.

[DN]

Decide what you want - life without him or life with him and some sort of contact with his ex because of the family ties.

 

Remember that you cannot control someone, or at least should not. You should not be controlling who he sees nor should he be controlling your friendships. If you don't trust him then you should not marry him - if you trust him then stop trying to control him. Do you see your male friends anyway despite his views?

 

Also remember that you were a party to the hurt that he caused his ex because you were the one he left her for. So his concern for her is understandable particularly as she is close to his family.

 

Beware that you do not over-react to all this and lose him altogether. I would hate for you to be regretting in a few weeks or month that you did not reconcile when he apologised and asked you to marry him - and find yourself on your own and unhappy.

[stokedforsnow]

By the way... I never lied to him about the places I go or the people I hang out with. It is somewhat sad to admit that I only see my guy friends when he is around.. I have tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible.. is it wrong to ask him to do the same or am I foolish for accomodating him and his feelings at the expense of my own? I am more than willing to compromise.. but I dislike even remotely sneaky people

[DN]

It seems as if you make more of a big deal about his ex than he does about your friends.

 

I repeat, is it worth losing someone who loves you and wants to marry you over this? Only you can answer that - make sure you are making the right decision.

[Falucchi]

If you thought you were "supposed to be together" why did you break up?

Maybe he's just not the right guy for you.

 

It seems like maybe the reasons why you broke up and walked out are still valid. Maybe whatever is going on with this whole "ex" situation is sort of a roadblock that you're using to keep you from getting back with him?

 

Meanwhile, maybe he needs to take some time to work out his own guilt issues, his abandonment issues and his issues with your male childhood friends before he asks a woman to marry her.

 

As for my opinion, being a family friend to a step-family is one thing, but I wouldn't expect or accept my partner riding around in the car together, or hainging out at parties together or showing so much concern to someone they once had an intimate relationship with and is now supposed to be "over." Not acceptable in my book.

[godschld7777]

I understand that you are extremely hurt and feel betrayed. In my opinion if he is calling you and seems really desperate to talk with you then maybe you should face him with courage and deal with the problem. The problem will NOT go away and you may be faced with EXTREME regret if you find out that he was telling you the truth after he has given up on you giving him another chance.

 

Be honest with him about your feelings and ask for him to honest with you in return. Ask him the questions that you so desperately need to ask. As he speaks to you look for any signs of lies. You both must have complete honesty and openess in order to possibly work through this problem. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time look for any clues that look like a lie.

 

Although this may be considered stalking you may even want to do some checking on how he is using his time now that you all are broken up. If he is serious about you then he will not want to risk messing it up. If he messes around with someone else then if I were you I would not give him another chance.