What do I do?

[Nirvana5150]

I will just copy and paste her what I put to my dear friend, I can't really trust inside incite. They like to be easy on me.

 

 

Do you think [Name] is losing feelings? I ask him and he says no but now that I think about it why would he tell me? he's not a jerk so ik he wouldn't wanna hurt my feelings. but, he barely ever comes to [Place], we barely ever message, when we talk irl he's focused on everything else, idkw but it feels like he's forcing himself to interact with me, he seems bored, seems like he'd rather be elsewhere when we're together.... but, I'll say this and then just shut up, bc i don't wanna mess us up, I just want him...I love him and I'm getting really scared, slowly he's not feeling the same...damnit this is the fourth time today I've cried about this, ik it might just be his pills or he's tired, or personal problems, i can't control the first two, and if he is comfortable he can talk to me, but my mind is just scared, I'm scared

 

I'd ask him but lately I've been doing too much and I'm afraid that'll cause him stress and then he'll be even more distant or he'll get annoyed (which rarely happens) , or he'll get a headache, or I'll be even more of a burden, or he'll think that it's ME that doesn't wanna be with him when that's couldn't be farther from the truth, and he seems to think that this is coming out of nowhere but I can't control my feelings or fears, so I'll just shut up, honestly I think I'll just go back to the way I was before I met him, maybe he liked that me more, I'll just shutdown emotionally, talk to no one, be numb, and not open up, back to her ig....whatever, I was use to being her, she wants to come back anyways

I miss him, and I don't think he wants this me, I'm annoying, I'm clingy, I'm insecure, I try to hard, and honestly, it'd be easier to be her, I'll go back

I'm sick of feeling, I'm sick of overthinking and crying, hoping and wondering, wanting to d/e, I'm gonna go back

he use to come to [Place] and actually try to see me, he use to be happy every time he saw me, he use to reply so quickly, he use to only have eyes on me focused on nth else, the conversations never use to feel one sided, honestly, that smile and laugh of his I'm seeing less and less, the hugs and kisses I hold so dear I have to ask for and initiate, am I not the same girl as he use to love, am I no longer enough? did I get insecure too many times? I wonder sometimes if it's because I told him what happened to me...with all the SA and my past, maybe he's disgusted, idk! can somebody please tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it?

how many times will god make me cry and wonder and suffer before I find out and change it? I just want him, I only have eyes for him, I love only him, I would do anything for him, he is my only, I loved him, I love him, and I will always love him, so what is it I did? Why can't I be better? do better? Why can't I change? What do I have to be? Who do I have to be?

yea...a lot to unpack

[Rose Mosse]

It seems you’re venting to your friend in your pain so I empathize. 

Do you both continue to meet on dates? How does he treat you in person?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jacki R. said:

I will just copy and paste her what I put to my dear friend, I can't really trust inside incite.

I'm sick of feeling, I'm sick of overthinking and crying, hoping and wondering, wanting to d/e

How long were you dating? How long ago was the breakup? What was the breakup about? How old is he?

Get an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the suicidal ideation, ruminating and obsessing. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Do not inflict suicidal ideation like this on a friend. Call a mental health/suicide hotline or go to an ER or doctor.

[Nirvana5150]

34 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It seems you’re venting to your friend in your pain so I empathize. 

Do you both continue to meet on dates? How does he treat you in person?

Well, yes, we are both very busy but we always make time and both express we love that we can do that for each other. He's sweet but kind of out of it (probably his stress and pills) but he's trying, I can tell, I'm just a little worried.

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, Jacki R. said:

Well, yes, we are both very busy but we always make time and both express we love that we can do that for each other. He's sweet but kind of out of it (probably his stress and pills) but he's trying, I can tell, I'm just a little worried.

Prescription pills, recreational?

[reinventmyself]

Instead of considering changing yourself and twisting yourself into a pretzel to get his attention back,  ask yourself what it is you deserve and is this guy meeting your needs?

[Nirvana5150]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Instead of considering changing yourself and twisting yourself into a pretzel to get his attention back,  ask yourself what it is you deserve and is this guy meeting your needs?

wow...thank you, very wise words, I will take this in consideration.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Jacki R. said:

Well, yes, we are both very busy but we always make time and both express we love that we can do that for each other. He's sweet but kind of out of it (probably his stress and pills) but he's trying, I can tell, I'm just a little worried.

Your anxiety may be getting the better of you compounded with the fact that he's neglecting the relationship. You can learn to avoid individuals that are no good for you and take better care of your health also. 

"shutting down emotionally" or going "numb" aren't solutions. That is no way to live. Expect more out of life in general and choose your company carefully.

[Nirvana5150]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Your anxiety may be getting the better of you compounded with the fact that he's neglecting the relationship. You can learn to avoid individuals that are no good for you and take better care of your health also. 

"shutting down emotionally" or going "numb" aren't solutions. That is no way to live. Expect more out of life in general and choose your company carefully.

Thank you, your words give me much to think about as well as comfort