Coping with the feelings that come with seeing us fail

[1a1a]

I had a relationship which hasn’t quite been long, but it also has been. (a much more detailed blow by blow of the last week can be found here

 The majority of it has been long distance so, lots of time and emotion put in and an impression formed that this guy was solid and someone I could build a life with. But no opportunity to meet face to face and this one huge question, when will we start a family. was not asked by him until recently, after he closed the gap and my answer to it is a deal breaker for him. And over the following days when I searched my soul and was certain I want this thing with him, sooner than I would have imagined. Much sooner. But that’s still not soon enough. Only fitting into his timeline is an acceptable way for us to proceed.and then when it actually comes time to have the hard conversations I say where I’m at and every single thing I said was interpreted badly by him, every single thing! I couldn’t say one thing right. And I try and hear what he’s saying, repeating it back, seeking clarification. But then in how I respond to the things he says he feels like I haven’t heard him at all. And that’s the moment for me where I think ‘oh ***, this won’t work’ (his moment was last week when I said I didn’t feel comfortable with starting to plan a family in 12 months. We haven’t even tried living together yet. We’ve been in the same city all of 2 months. And as it turns out i always wanted to go slower than he did and now that it’s a conversation we’ve had I look inside myself and I have plenty of capacity to speed up. But he looks inside and his timeline for having kids is more important to him than anything. And then him trying to pull away triggers all this anxiety in me because I have an anxious attachment style and separating feels catastrophic). )

I’ve talked all of my beautiful friends ears off, I’ve received heart warming support here. If this coming apart is a savage burn people have been on hand with running cold water in a greater abundance than I’ve never experience before. (I’m losing him and being reminded how much else I do have.) But now the conversations are wrapping up and the answer is obvious ‘this won’t work’ and I feel bad. So bad. Stuck bad. Can’t bring myself to do the tasks that need to be done today and in my life bad. 
 

I’m trying to focus on my breathing and what I can feel and hear but it feels like a Band-Aid for a profusely bleeding amputated limb. I try and tell myself ‘stiff upper lip. This whole experience has shown you how you want to go forward. So do the work, go forward!’ But I can’t focus.  How do I self soothe myself through this? 

 

[Jibralta]

Unfortunately, there is no shortcut through the grieving process. Try to focus on simple things that make you feel better, like spending time with friends. I went through a painful break up many years ago and I distracted myself by absorbing all sorts of self help material. Watched lots of Oprah lol. It didn't take the pain away, but it felt like I was doing something about it. I also discovered that my own doldrums made me a sympathetic ear for my friends' woes. So, I spent time with sad friends. That weirdly made me feel better!

Eventually, you'll crawl back out of the hole before you even realize what you're doing. But the only way out is through.

[SooSad33]

You gave this a try.. it didn't progress. But, I am proud of you for being honest and not regretting something later.. just to 'make him happy'. 

Loss is hard.. very hard 😕 . So, it will take time to work on accepting & working through the pains, thoughts, memories & emotions for a while.

Is all still fresh for you? Then go with the flow... I journal a lot to 'get it out'. I take walks, I hang with friends/family. And tears are okay ❤️ .

IF  you feel it's been too unbearable for too long, consider speaking to your doctor about something for your anxiety as that affects your 'ability' to function ( eat/sleep) and that's not good for you. You could even consider some therapy to work through all of this.

In time the pain won't be as strong.. and you'll find you don't think of them constantly anymore. And your head will be in a better place.

So, be easy on yourself.... give it all time.  One day at a time.

TC

[1a1a]

15 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Is all still fresh for you? Then go with the flow... I journal a lot to 'get it out'. I take walks, I hang with friends/family. And tears are okay ❤️ .

 

I’ll try this time next time I’m in the grips of grief. Yesterday was really a train wreck, just inconsolable. 
 

I started looking for video talks on breaking up and found this. I feel personally attacked by this relateable content. But also, yes yes yes this all this, the pain is excruciating, I have to text him, I have to write him a letter, I have to try and fix this. He’s the one, I love him. *cling* considering all of those feelings in the context of a traumatic response has been *tentatively* very very helpful. 
 

 

Also, being reminded that when someone says they want to end it this triggers a traumatic response for me. In plain black and white. So that fear I feel in the pit of my stomach I have to fight it. Call it over and go and be super kind to yourself!

I went to pick up my things today and he invited me in for lunch. By the end of which I knew he had been triggered too last time we spoke. (A conversation so awful even I thought it was over!) Two triggered people are not going to have a great conversation and that it’s not that he wants to start a family in 12 months. 12 months is the outer limit of how long he’s comfortable waiting. Like 2 years is the outer limit of how much I feel comfortable speeding up my time line. Now he’s emotionally and financially ready and he’s worried about missing this window of opportunity. (These unable to align timelines are the thing that broke us). 
 

We parted with a long hug and a short kiss and it was horribly bitter sweet. 

[SooSad33]

So now you have to be as strong as possible and NOT continue to reach out.. to him.

The less the better in every form. Don't follow, don't contact anymore. In order for you to work on accepting & healing.

Grief is never easy. It's taken a toll on me. I have had to work on many things for my own well being. I did so with a good deal of therapy.

It will take time.. give yourself that.