Owning My Participation in the Demise of Our Marriage

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, mylolita said:

We have been married 8 years and lived together for 15. We have three young children all under 4. I often find, as more pressure layers are applied, the bickering and not picking each other in a naggy way has started becoming a daily thing. He left for work and he text me and said, “Truce Lo, let’s not bicker, I love you” and we will agree and be cool for a few days but then old habits die hard!

This is soooo challenging (and we "only" have one).  How you describe it is so genuine and cuts to the core.  It's too easy right to pick the sarcastic word or the weapon-word and not think before you speak, or think before you use a certain tone.  

Do you have child care help?

Also I am so mindful of our child not hearing/absorbing this.  It's hard!

[mylolita]

Hey Batya!

 

I don’t want to make spinsters post about me, just realised this so I will be brief!

 

Our kids being happy and having a care free, loving childhood with their Mum and Dad being in love is so important to us! We tend to half joke about the odd comment if it happens during the day but we reserve our proper criticisms it seems for late at night once the kids are all in bed which means that! We choose to do this! Or mostly, I do, and act on being tired and bad moods when they come. When I’m in a good mood, I’m ultra high energy, everything is awesome! I think I just need to get more sleep! The last lay in I had, was probably 4 years ago - HA! 
 

Yes it is so hard to manage yourself if you are prone to a loose tongue! And made worse by the fact you obviously know your husband in and out so have the terrible advantage of knowing exactly what pushes their buttons and you can really twist the knife if you are feeling very wounded or back up against a wall. Not good. 
 

I am just realising, on just turning 32, how powerful words are and how life changing they are. I thought no one listened and it didn’t matter how or what you said that much. I am finding out this is so far from the truth, and especially within your marriage, you are so right. Stop, think - if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all, and if it still is bothering you discuss it nicely and respectfully at the end of the day.

 

I often wonder if we were ever in any kind of couples therapy what on Earth the therapist would say! We have this hot and heavy, passionate relationship ship but it swings both ways. The good is very good, the bad is just, terrible. I won’t go into it but your words can literally kill, and mine nearly did, so after Christmas I have started thinking y’know, if someone loves you and would die for you and you are their world and vice versa, don’t toy with that to point score. Oh my God! I really have some learning to do.

 

Marriages and long term stuff isn’t easy is it ladies and gentlemen!

 

But back to spinster, I just think this turn around and reveal is so refreshing to hear. I think we all battle with our own relationship issues and now you have come out the other end with new wisdom we are all wanting to pick your brain!

Sorry to go on!

 

Lo x

 

Edit - ps Batya, we have basically zero childcare. We are our own breaks. So I mostly always have all three, my little baby girl 5 months strapped too me, my middle daughter, 2.5 bobbing along and my son, just turned 4 in January bounding around and talking ten to the dozen. It’s gorgeous, it really is, but very tiring! Never been in nursery, never slept over at grandparents, only left them at grandparents for an hour or two, three max, very rarely, then I’m back. It’s a little complicated, but both our parents aren’t great with our kids for very different reasons so we don’t leave them x

[Batya33]

So our grandparent situation was that three of them were disabled and my mom cared for my dad - all were too elderly and then lived far away. We had some issues over my not wanting my MIL to drive our son around (bad driver ) and my FIL was basically  blind and we had a moment where he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t let him push our son in a stroller on a sidewalk and across streets with traffic -alone. We also had no day care or nanny and no school til he was 3.5 then part time.  I was home first seven years. 
bless you for all the hard work you do !!  Yes I totally understand about not hijacking this thread and I wanted to add that not just words but also timing and tone.  I think those can be transformative.  
sleep deprivation- so awful. I get it. Years ago I started a thread here called something like “new mom insomnia “.  
I love all of these insights!
 

[spinstermanquee]

On 2/18/2022 at 2:28 PM, Batya33 said:

How is it feminine to you to be more present in your body and heart than your head ? I love the action of choosing words more carefully (and tone - right ?).

now, please excuse me for generalizing.  we all have both energies and it all depends on many factors, so this is only my case and it may not apply to anyone else's who reads this

man - tends to want to solve problems (head)

woman - tends to want to share emotional experience (heart)

please understand that *i* have been living from my masculine side (driver, problem solver) brain for a long time.  the 17 inches between the brain and my feminine (safe, soft and loved) heart are like a highway in california that was destroyed by an earthquake.  must.  reopen.  highway.  LOL

[spinstermanquee]

On 2/18/2022 at 3:48 PM, mylolita said:

I don’t want to make spinsters post about me, just realised this so I will be brief!

Fellow eNotaloners, fear not!  I love that we are expanding this discussion to others, no hijack worries.  mylolita, thanks for the sentiment and PLEASE fire away or open a fresh thread if you want.  It's great to know that our posts here (I'm only an occasional visitor but boltnrun, batya, wiseman, catfeeder, lambert, rosemosse, jibralta et al are the pillars and posts of the community here) can make even the smallest difference out in the world.  Such a good feeling.

[spinstermanquee]

Here is my no blame story.

I became a wife and parent in a single swipe.  Our very next task was to get permanent custody of his birth child, as birth mother was deceased and gps were trying to keep her from her father.  Legal was not his wheelhouse, so I grabbed the helm of our relation-ship.  Cue masculine energy spinsterproblemsolveryesican

He may have been relieved that someone else was managing, or he felt emasculated or embarrassed and did not wrestle the helm back.  I had let my need to control a possible shipwreck situation overwhelm my desire to judiciously and kindly share the helm.  All sharp edges here!

Without him feeling respect/affection from his woman, he began to resent me, freely deny my needs (nothing I do will please her anyways, why bother) and we grew distant.  Our hearts closed.

A man who is not respected will not honor or work any more to continually earn/keep his woman's love.

A woman who is not honored or whose partner does not work to earn/keep her love will disrespect her man and knowingly or unknowingly, emasculate him.

This is only *my* takeaway, YMMV 😉

 

[spinstermanquee]

On 2/18/2022 at 3:21 PM, mylolita said:

Are you going to remain close friends? It sounds like you are both in such a lovely place at the moment. Do you think you would ever get back together?

mylolita, pretty sure we're going to be friends.  close or not depends on future.  we raised a daughter together so we'll always be linked.  i sure cannot (and don't want to) erase someone I've known and loved for most of my life...

no, we will never get back together.  i have 0 physical attraction to him for 10-12 years now (and he is very good looking)

[mylolita]

7 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Here is my no blame story.

I became a wife and parent in a single swipe.  Our very next task was to get permanent custody of his birth child, as birth mother was deceased and gps were trying to keep her from her father.  Legal was not his wheelhouse, so I grabbed the helm of our relation-ship.  Cue masculine energy spinsterproblemsolveryesican

He may have been relieved that someone else was managing, or he felt emasculated or embarrassed and did not wrestle the helm back.  I had let my need to control a possible shipwreck situation overwhelm my desire to judiciously and kindly share the helm.  All sharp edges here!

Without him feeling respect/affection from his woman, he began to resent me, freely deny my needs (nothing I do will please her anyways, why bother) and we grew distant.  Our hearts closed.

A man who is not respected will not honor or work any more to continually earn/keep his woman's love.

A woman who is not honored or whose partner does not work to earn/keep her love will disrespect her man and knowingly or unknowingly, emasculate him.

This is only *my* takeaway, YMMV 😉

 

Spinster,

 

This is so insightful - I see this happening in the breakdown of my in laws marriage which, even though my husband is 40, I know makes him feel sad.

 

They have a lot of blame for each other, constantly bicker, get at each other. My mother in law has terrible moods daily, she takes them out on anyone close enough but her husband gets it mostly. She is extremely negative. They are both insanely stubborn; so they won’t talk or make the first move to resolve anything. They also both think their ways are the right way and the other is always wrong. Will never apologise.

 

My mother in law has minor health issues off and on for what seems most of her life, which I realise is not great for a perky mood. My father in law gambles and drinks and spends all his money. So years ago she kept their money completely separate to the point of penny pinching every single thing due to resentment, because when she stayed at home raising her kids (my husband and his older sister) she never wanted babies and is not very maternal at all, but he didn’t give her much money, so when she had adult children and started to work, she never gave him any of hers either.

 

She told him about 15 years ago I will never sleep with you again and therefore they have slept in separate beds all this time. They live separate lives. My father in law confided in me once that he wish he had divorced her years ago, and that she accuses him of having affairs, which he has never (I do actually believe him) but says why she would care anyway is beyond him, as she claims to hate him and doesn’t want to be with him anyway.

 

It’s a mess. I often feel like it is still salvageable though and wish they would make the move and maybe take a direction like you did. Even if they split, it would be nice for them to be friends, like yourself and your ex-husband are!

 

Thank you for sharing! 
 

x

[mylolita]

7 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

mylolita, pretty sure we're going to be friends.  close or not depends on future.  we raised a daughter together so we'll always be linked.  i sure cannot (and don't want to) erase someone I've known and loved for most of my life...

no, we will never get back together.  i have 0 physical attraction to him for 10-12 years now (and he is very good looking)

Spinster, 

 

This is so interesting! I do see this. Both partners, still taking care of themselves, still good looking - yet the attraction and passion leaves. Do you think once gone you cannot get it back? I see this in so many relationships and often fear it for myself, but then it will just be an off week and we are back to being like teenagers again!

 

But long-term, passion, connection and attraction do take work, don’t they? 
 

Any advice for this area of relationships?
 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Spinster, 

 

This is so interesting! I do see this. Both partners, still taking care of themselves, still good looking - yet the attraction and passion leaves. Do you think once gone you cannot get it back? I see this in so many relationships and often fear it for myself, but then it will just be an off week and we are back to being like teenagers again!

 

But long-term, passion, connection and attraction do take work, don’t they? 
 

Any advice for this area of relationships?
 

x

I think looks is only part of attraction.  I know of couples who have "let themselves go" so to speak and adore each other and others who are gym rats/constant with the looks/physical features- nauseating Facebook braggy look at me photos and they are not happy. I was friends with a golden couple like this (minus the bragging) -she especially -so so beautiful - they're now in their 40s -and a couple of years ago she cheated on him, then learned he had a gambling addiction plus cheated on her. Two adorable kids. 

Now divorced and she's still dating her affair partner who is now divorced.  He may be as well. She didn't cheat because her affair partner was better looking -nothing to do with that.  One example of many.  I don't look at my husband's physical features as a barometer of my attraction for him -I'm attracted to "him" - and at the same time I hope he loses his covid weight -mostly for health reasons but sure I "notice it" but noticing and not being attracted or having it affect attraction -two different things. 

I dated drop dead gorgeous men I felt nothing for others who were completely not conventionally attractive and sparks flew.  I do think if a person lets himself /herself go for sort of depression reasons or the like that can affect attraction because the underlying reason affects the marriage, if that makes sense.

I believe very strongly that passion if once there and strong can be revived.

[mylolita]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think looks is only part of attraction.  I know of couples who have "let themselves go" so to speak and adore each other and others who are gym rats/constant with the looks/physical features- nauseating Facebook braggy look at me photos and they are not happy. I was friends with a golden couple like this (minus the bragging) -she especially -so so beautiful - they're now in their 40s -and a couple of years ago she cheated on him, then learned he had a gambling addiction plus cheated on her. Two adorable kids. 

Now divorced and she's still dating her affair partner who is now divorced.  He may be as well. She didn't cheat because her affair partner was better looking -nothing to do with that.  One example of many.  I don't look at my husband's physical features as a barometer of my attraction for him -I'm attracted to "him" - and at the same time I hope he loses his covid weight -mostly for health reasons but sure I "notice it" but noticing and not being attracted or having it affect attraction -two different things. 

I dated drop dead gorgeous men I felt nothing for others who were completely not conventionally attractive and sparks flew.  I do think if a person lets himself /herself go for sort of depression reasons or the like that can affect attraction because the underlying reason affects the marriage, if that makes sense.

I believe very strongly that passion if once there and strong can be revived.

Batya,

This is very wise. And very true!

My husband used to be a boxer! He didn't just have a 6 pack, he had an 8 pack! Blonde curls, kinda, angular features. Blue eyes. Straight, moody brows. Square, straight teeth. Kind of conventionally handsome, I would say, to most women. He is short, he is naturally stocky. 

His muscle has mostly turned to complete fat. We have both put on weight. We were both very slim, very athletic I would say, in our early days. 5 years into the relationship, he had put on quite a lot of weight and I had stayed nearly the same, but after the babies I indulged and with each pregnancy I would put on about 4 stone of weight, then lose it but, not entirely. My figure will never be taunt and I will never have a stomach like a wash board again. I am a natural pear shape. No t**ts, all a**! Anyway, the point, like yourself is, we don't love our husbands for only their faces, or biceps, and he never loved me only because I had a 21 inch waist. 

In a weird way, the attraction has changed to something stronger and deeper over time. Is that something you experience as well? Maybe a lot of long term married couples find this happening. I always maintain it's their spirit and personality that really does it. As you mentioned, if it is a depression or addiction issue, yes, this is massively negative. I would say I fall into that category, and with that said, it is amazing how my husband still manages to find me wildly attractive, and he says, more so than ever?!

x

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Batya,

This is very wise. And very true!

My husband used to be a boxer! He didn't just have a 6 pack, he had an 8 pack! Blonde curls, kinda, angular features. Blue eyes. Straight, moody brows. Square, straight teeth. Kind of conventionally handsome, I would say, to most women. He is short, he is naturally stocky. 

His muscle has mostly turned to complete fat. We have both put on weight. We were both very slim, very athletic I would say, in our early days. 5 years into the relationship, he had put on quite a lot of weight and I had stayed nearly the same, but after the babies I indulged and with each pregnancy I would put on about 4 stone of weight, then lose it but, not entirely. My figure will never be taunt and I will never have a stomach like a wash board again. I am a natural pear shape. No t**ts, all a**! Anyway, the point, like yourself is, we don't love our husbands for only their faces, or biceps, and he never loved me only because I had a 21 inch waist. 

In a weird way, the attraction has changed to something stronger and deeper over time. Is that something you experience as well? Maybe a lot of long term married couples find this happening. I always maintain it's their spirit and personality that really does it. As you mentioned, if it is a depression or addiction issue, yes, this is massively negative. I would say I fall into that category, and with that said, it is amazing how my husband still manages to find me wildly attractive, and he says, more so than ever?!

x

Yes same but I think it depends on what led to the attraction. Some people are more focused on looks and/or wanting a certain look, type or wanting arm candy or to be noticed for snagging someone conventionally handsome. 

I gave birth my one and only time at age 42.  Only pregnancy.  I never was overweight other than for a couple of months in my 20s because of a bad birth control pill and I never had a washboard stomach. 

But I was able to lose the baby weight within about five months -plus an additional almost ten pounds over a period of time after (and I was normal weight when I got pregnant) - because in 1982 I started working out regularly.  So I was able in 2009 to put that back into practice once I could resume exercising post-birth /post complications post birth. I also ate fairly healthfully and made significant dietary changes -without being on any type of diet/regiment -over the past 10 years. 

I didn't work out during pregnancy but I walked a lot since my commute to work was almost always walking -over a mile.  

I don't believe women have to gain weight as they age. I am 55. Recently went through menopause.  Or have to keep on baby weight.  And there's nothing wrong with not being slim if the person is healthy - someone can be 20 pounds "overweight" and be perfectly healthy. 

I think metabolism can slow down -for me I think it did but also like my mom and sister (who birthed 6 kids between them and have never been overweight) -especially my mom -my appetite decreased and I cut out diet sodas which were triggering me to eat more carbs. I also have good genetics on my side.

I am slim and have had issues with both cholesterol and blood pressure.  Nothing requiring meds yet.  I am very concerned when I see new moms turn to MLM type dieting plans or extreme diets. I just don't see where that helps with keeping weight off and maintaining a healthy weight.  I've seen mostly the opposite. (From my friends plus Facebook mom groups).

I can see where huge weight gain plus a general malaise in not caring about oneself can cause marital issues/attraction issues.  But I think it's both.  I think attraction can deepen and love can deepen during a marriage but I don't buy the whole - older people don't care as much about looks.  I think it's an individual thing.  Look at for example older men who go for much younger hot women and look at women who in their 50s insist on posting ridiculous photos with ridiculous filters applied to look younger.  Anyway to me it is.

 

[mylolita]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes same but I think it depends on what led to the attraction. Some people are more focused on looks and/or wanting a certain look, type or wanting arm candy or to be noticed for snagging someone conventionally handsome. 

I gave birth my one and only time at age 42.  Only pregnancy.  I never was overweight other than for a couple of months in my 20s because of a bad birth control pill and I never had a washboard stomach. 

But I was able to lose the baby weight within about five months -plus an additional almost ten pounds over a period of time after (and I was normal weight when I got pregnant) - because in 1982 I started working out regularly.  So I was able in 2009 to put that back into practice once I could resume exercising post-birth /post complications post birth. I also ate fairly healthfully and made significant dietary changes -without being on any type of diet/regiment -over the past 10 years. 

I didn't work out during pregnancy but I walked a lot since my commute to work was almost always walking -over a mile.  

I don't believe women have to gain weight as they age. I am 55. Recently went through menopause.  Or have to keep on baby weight.  And there's nothing wrong with not being slim if the person is healthy - someone can be 20 pounds "overweight" and be perfectly healthy. 

I think metabolism can slow down -for me I think it did but also like my mom and sister (who birthed 6 kids between them and have never been overweight) -especially my mom -my appetite decreased and I cut out diet sodas which were triggering me to eat more carbs. I also have good genetics on my side.

I am slim and have had issues with both cholesterol and blood pressure.  Nothing requiring meds yet.  I am very concerned when I see new moms turn to MLM type dieting plans or extreme diets. I just don't see where that helps with keeping weight off and maintaining a healthy weight.  I've seen mostly the opposite. (From my friends plus Facebook mom groups).

I can see where huge weight gain plus a general malaise in not caring about oneself can cause marital issues/attraction issues.  But I think it's both.  I think attraction can deepen and love can deepen during a marriage but I don't buy the whole - older people don't care as much about looks.  I think it's an individual thing.  Look at for example older men who go for much younger hot women and look at women who in their 50s insist on posting ridiculous photos with ridiculous filters applied to look younger.  Anyway to me it is.

 

Hey Batya!

 

I think you are quite unusual in that, you have maintained a regular exercise and healthy eating habit for over a decade and into your middle age and straight after pregnancy. 
 

I think the stereotype of middle age spread is quite accurate for most! Your metabolism slows down, your youthful glow tends to slide, you are maybe not as active as before, have a few more general aches and pains, life piles on other priorities and people don’t have as much time or drive for themselves personally or exercise. I commend anyone who is genetically blessed or does still work out and eat healthy as a lifestyle into older age!

 

I am also coming at this from, I was so skinny before, I was just over 7 stone before I got pregnant with my son at 27, that is 100lbs at 5’5’’. I was obsessed with staying slim and looking back I would say I had anorexia, even though I was scary scrawny like a lot of people presume you have to be to be battling an eating disorder. I think years of limiting carbs and eating the most bland and weird health mixtures of “safe” food caused me to explode once pregnant. I felt horribly nauseous and carbs seemed to make that subside, but only briefly. I got up to 11 stone whilst pregnant. I lost nearly all of it after my first, but then have been pregnant off and on 3 times in 3.5 years. It’s been a lot of up and down and fluctuations. I am not making an excuse for myself but, it’s hard to diet or exercise whilst pregnant or having just given birth and then handling small toddlers at the same time - it has been the last thing on my mind, although again; no excuse.

 

I am much curvier now. Probably gone from a UK size 6/8 dress size to a 12 borderline sometimes 14 as I am bottom heavy and still only a size 10 on my top. I know my figure will never be the same. Your pelvis widens, your waist widens. Your breast alter with years of breastfeeding. I have the odd stretch mark on my thighs and top of hips. Those things to my 18 year old body beautiful self would have been, oh man, the end of the world! Now; I guess I go through phases of trying to eat healthy and then breaking my good bout with indulgent meals with my husband and pinching the kids sweets and all of that and just generally having a ball eating all this tasty food - HA! 
 

I have found, I tend to starve myself when unhappy, and pig out when content. I need to find a happy medium. I am either all or nothin!

 

But sorry Batya, my tangent from original thread 🤣 I have a massive appetite and always have done, I run around everywhere like a nutter and we have a major hill walk to the beach and through woods many times a week with the kids; all with a baby strapped too me. I hardly sit most days but, I am holding extra weight and it is my own decision. I would like to let 1 - 2 stone slide. Maybe I can make myself a pact today! I have actually eaten so well today.

 

Everyone says I look well. It’s the rosy cheeks, because I am pale and always running hot 🤣 but sometimes I think, is that a veiled comment to say, “well” means “chunky?” 🤣 Anyway, me and the husband have been on the health band wagon lately and we keep falling off but we need to sort it out. I am a hyper active, high energy kinda gal and the extra weight is a burden too me!

 

My husband says he prefers me like this, I believe him, he’s not one to just say anything to make me feel better. But I want to change just for myself.

 

Might need some tips from you!

 

x

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I think the stereotype of middle age spread is quite accurate for most! Your metabolism slows down, your youthful glow tends to slide, you are maybe not as active as before, have a few more general aches and pains, life piles on other priorities and people don’t have as much time or drive for themselves personally or exercise. I commend anyone who is genetically blessed or does still work out and eat healthy as a lifestyle into older age!

I agree it happens. I don't think it has to. With rare exception (thyroid issues, middle age health conditions preventing exercise).  Hasn't happened for my mom or sister or several of my friends.  I started exercising regularly when I was 15 and got pregnant at 41.  I don't agree that age means less time to exercise.  Nor should it.  My mom has been doing brisk walking for decades and before that was very active (not at a gym -just walked everywhere like me) - she's in her late 80s, was never overweight, never dieted.  

I think it's even more crucial to eat healthfully, get enough exercise in middle age.  Most of my friends are middle aged and highly motivated to work out, play sports, dance, eat healthfully.  In a way I am more motivated -in my 20s I worked crazy hours and ate when I could -did a lot more take out/dinner at the office, snacked, drank diet sodas - when I was a SAHM we rarely stayed in one place and I worked out - I was middle aged -daily (I went from 3-5 times a week to daily, just shorter time period as that was what worked for my schedule and ended up being better for me) - my son and I walked everywhere (well he was in the stroller when he was younger) and went to the playgrounds/parks almost daily.  

I know of many people who put on weight during covid -ages from kids-adults and of course know of many people who put on weight in middle age.  I just don't think it has to be that way and I don't believe at all that middle aged people are less motivated.  I know you've had a different experience!  I respect your opinion!

Interestingly I also had an undiagnosed eating disorder in my teens/early 20s and I used to do more of the binging thing.  What changed for me in my late 20s/early 30s was relearning hunger/fullness cues - I never overeat except by pure accident and even then barely so.  I hate feeling too full.  Or even full.  And I have a good sense of what to eat and when and how much.  I am sure you are healthful and look great -nothing I wrote is to comment on how much you weigh or want to -I hope you didn't interpret it that way!

[spinstermanquee]

6 hours ago, mylolita said:

Both partners, still taking care of themselves, still good looking - yet the attraction and passion leaves. Do you think once gone you cannot get it back?

As Batya so wisely pointed out, it's not a question of how we look on the outside.  That has nothing to do with it.  The only reason I pointed out he is good looking is because I was trying to juxtapose his looks with my feelings.  Lack of respect kills physical desire.  If a man thinks a woman is low value, he might dip his wick but she will NEVER be commitment material.  If a woman thinks a man is low value, he is never gonna get the keys to the Ferrari, NEVER.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

As Batya so wisely pointed out, it's not a question of how we look on the outside.  That has nothing to do with it.  The only reason I pointed out he is good looking is because I was trying to juxtapose his looks with my feelings.  Lack of respect kills physical desire.  If a man thinks a woman is low value, he might dip his wick but she will NEVER be commitment material.  If a woman thinks a man is low value, he is never gonna get the keys to the Ferrari, NEVER.

I used to date a man who very strongly resembled a very popular, well known movie star. Some people who met him told me how "lucky" I was to be dating him based solely on his looks. Funny thing is, I really didn't like him. He acted entitled due to his good looks and expected women to do things for him as a result. He absolutely hated that I was independent and didn't fawn over him. And he absolutely lost it when I chose to stop dating him. He'd never been rejected before and it badly hurt his ego when I walked away from him and started dating someone else.

My ex-husband is also a good looking man. Tall, blond, sky blue eyes, long limbed. He's a decent, hard working person and a terrific father. But he and I didn't belong together for a variety of reasons. I wish him well and hope he's healthy and happy. 

Sometimes people just don't belong together. Sure, things could have been done differently but in the end it just doesn't work out. 

[mylolita]

On 2/20/2022 at 5:14 PM, spinstermanquee said:

As Batya so wisely pointed out, it's not a question of how we look on the outside.  That has nothing to do with it.  The only reason I pointed out he is good looking is because I was trying to juxtapose his looks with my feelings.  Lack of respect kills physical desire.  If a man thinks a woman is low value, he might dip his wick but she will NEVER be commitment material.  If a woman thinks a man is low value, he is never gonna get the keys to the Ferrari, NEVER.

This is very insightful and very true!

 

x

[mylolita]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I used to date a man who very strongly resembled a very popular, well known movie star. Some people who met him told me how "lucky" I was to be dating him based solely on his looks. Funny thing is, I really didn't like him. He acted entitled due to his good looks and expected women to do things for him as a result. He absolutely hated that I was independent and didn't fawn over him. And he absolutely lost it when I chose to stop dating him. He'd never been rejected before and it badly hurt his ego when I walked away from him and started dating someone else.

My ex-husband is also a good looking man. Tall, blond, sky blue eyes, long limbed. He's a decent, hard working person and a terrific father. But he and I didn't belong together for a variety of reasons. I wish him well and hope he's healthy and happy. 

Sometimes people just don't belong together. Sure, things could have been done differently but in the end it just doesn't work out. 

Hey Bolt!

 

He wasn’t the ex stripper, was he? 😉🤣

 

x

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Bolt!

 

He wasn’t the ex stripper, was he? 😉🤣

 

x

Ex stripper?

I think you might have me confused with someone else. I never dated an ex stripper.

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Ex stripper?

I think you might have me confused with someone else. I never dated an ex stripper.

Did you bar tend at a strip bar at one point?

 

Or am I just dreaming this stuff up? 🤣 Sorry bolt!

 

x

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Did you bar tend at a strip bar at one point?

 

Or am I just dreaming this stuff up? 🤣 Sorry bolt!

 

x

Nope, that wasn't me. 

No worries.

[maritalbliss86]

On 2/20/2022 at 8:16 AM, mylolita said:

Everyone says I look well. It’s the rosy cheeks, because I am pale and always running hot 🤣 but sometimes I think, is that a veiled comment to say, “well” means “chunky?” 🤣

LOL yes, I know what you mean (even with the pregnancy, "explosion," as you call it after years of eating a very strict diet and staying almost unnaturally thin.

One friend was going out with me years ago, we were both getting into cocktail dresses and making ourselves ready for the night when she looks at me and says, "You know, you've really filled out and have curves now!"  LOL I know she meant well (boobs/butt) but it hurt! 😂

[maritalbliss86]

On 2/20/2022 at 11:14 AM, spinstermanquee said:

As Batya so wisely pointed out, it's not a question of how we look on the outside.  That has nothing to do with it.  The only reason I pointed out he is good looking is because I was trying to juxtapose his looks with my feelings.  Lack of respect kills physical desire.  If a man thinks a woman is low value, he might dip his wick but she will NEVER be commitment material.  If a woman thinks a man is low value, he is never gonna get the keys to the Ferrari, NEVER.

I agree with what is being said... looks don't really matter as much as respect and admiration does.

When a woman respects and admires a man, she also desires him.  It really is that simple.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

LOL yes, I know what you mean (even with the pregnancy, "explosion," as you call it after years of eating a very strict diet and staying almost unnaturally thin.

One friend was going out with me years ago, we were both getting into cocktail dresses and making ourselves ready for the night when she looks at me and says, "You know, you've really filled out and have curves now!"  LOL I know she meant well (boobs/butt) but it hurt! 😂

I don't really get why people comment on others bodies in that way.  I've been subject to that too.  I think "you look nice/great" is perfectly fine or "I love that scarf!"  It's like when people comment on my son's height (luckily hasn't happened in a long time).  I didn't mind being told how cute I looked when I was pregnant though LOL but when I was 8 months or so along this stranger -a teenager -stops me in the supermarket -it's 8pm which means for a large pregnant woman it might as well be midnight.  I'm exhausted.  She says "can I ask you a question -how far along are you?"  I told her I wasn't going to answer that and kept walking (no idea really -I was actually within normal weight gain - a bit on the higher side but carrying alllll in front).  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I agree with what is being said... looks don't really matter as much as respect and admiration does.

When a woman respects and admires a man, she also desires him.  It really is that simple.

Yes and same for men.  People sense when they are respected and admired inside and out.  And in a romantic relationship it means so much.