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Owning My Participation in the Demise of Our Marriage


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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't really get why people comment on others bodies in that way.  I've been subject to that too.  I think "you look nice/great" is perfectly fine or "I love that scarf!"  It's like when people comment on my son's height (luckily hasn't happened in a long time).  I didn't mind being told how cute I looked when I was pregnant though LOL but when I was 8 months or so along this stranger -a teenager -stops me in the supermarket -it's 8pm which means for a large pregnant woman it might as well be midnight.  I'm exhausted.  She says "can I ask you a question -how far along are you?"  I told her I wasn't going to answer that and kept walking (no idea really -I was actually within normal weight gain - a bit on the higher side but carrying alllll in front).  

I think people can be really nosy... and then they have no qualms about saying what they're really think.

  I'm unfortunately a very nosy person (bleh! curiosity killed the cat!) but I have to reign it in all the time lol.  

I do think after so many years of knowing me, I think she had the impression I was, "stick thin," or w/o fat, and then there dressing together, she realized (maybe to her relief?) I'd filled out and had gained 20 pounds or so.  She said it in a kind, happy almost congratulatory way 😂 like, "Hey, we all knew you were starving, and it looks like you've eaten a few pizzas!  Congratulations!"

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3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think people can be really nosy... and then they have no qualms about saying what they're really think.

  I'm unfortunately a very nosy person (bleh! curiosity killed the cat!) but I have to reign it in all the time lol.  

I do think after so many years of knowing me, I think she had the impression I was, "stick thin," or w/o fat, and then there dressing together, she realized (maybe to her relief?) I'd filled out and had gained 20 pounds or so.  She said it in a kind, happy almost congratulatory way 😂 like, "Hey, we all knew you were starving, and it looks like you've eaten a few pizzas!  Congratulations!"

I'm careful not to comment because what I find positive the other person might find intrusive or negative.  I think people who are nosy are selfish and thoughtless much of the time although sometimes it's harmless.  I am a very curious person and I keep it to myself.  I made enough mistakes not keeping it to myself so I changed and as a result my friendships deepened and I made new friends more easily because people felt more comfortable around me and felt safer to be open since I don't pry and am careful with my follow up questions.

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She didn't ruin the friendship at all ❤️ but I agree you have to be careful with comments like that. 

It might not.  It might.  I don't see at all why the risk is worth it. Why the need to comment on someone's weight or body size ever. I think there are far better things to talk about and compliment (if it is a compliment).  I went to my dentist's office last year.  As I walked out the hygienist called after me Bye Skinny!! This happens to my mom too.  As if it's ok to comment on someone being skinny because it's presumed to be a compliment. What if the person is skinny because of stress, or doesn't want that sort of attention? I was uncomfortable for a second for sure.  Would she have said Bye Fatty if I were overweight? Or to a man?  What the heck is the point with those ridiculous comments.

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It might not.  It might.  I don't see at all why the risk is worth it. Why the need to comment on someone's weight or body size ever. I think there are far better things to talk about and compliment (if it is a compliment).  I went to my dentist's office last year.  As I walked out the hygienist called after me Bye Skinny!! This happens to my mom too.  As if it's ok to comment on someone being skinny because it's presumed to be a compliment. What if the person is skinny because of stress, or doesn't want that sort of attention? I was uncomfortable for a second for sure.  Would she have said Bye Fatty if I were overweight? Or to a man?  What the heck is the point with those ridiculous comments.

No that's awful 😕 and in public has the potential to just be humiliating. I mean no one in their right mind would call out, "Bye Fatty!" and still be thought of as a professional !! Wow, Batya, it's almost comical how nuts people are!

I agree though when someone is in shape or thinner than average, the general comments are far nuttier concerning what people think is Ok

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Am I the only one here who would be delighted at being called skinny? 🤣

 

I have done this now I realise completely unthinking in the past! Only recently I said to a mum friend, “You look so slim! No one would ever think you had just had a baby! There’s nothing on you!” Okay I thought that would be a lovely compliment and meant it as such - but seeing these replies I am thinking, women can take this stuff the wrong way? 
 

I once had a lady who I was good friends with at work say, “I’ve seen more curves on a banana!” I just genuinely laughed and thought, she’s right! But I never felt offended by it or like she should have thought more before she spoke. I know she didn’t meant it in a nasty way. Maybe I am digging myself social holes here and not even realising it!


Sorry Spinster, this has gone from your enlightenment to how big or small peoples a***s are 🤣 including mine - LOL!

 

x

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The issue is a stranger calling me "skinny" as my name as I leave a dental office or my 80 something mom being called jokingly by a fellow senior citizen "oh you're a skinny [b word]" - some people are skinny because they have cancer.  When my dear friend was dying from cancer in her 30s she was emaciated. 

I'd just be careful about commenting on skinny or "curvy" unless it's a really close friend (my sister and I joke like that allll the time).  It might be a person who has an eating disorder and calling her skinny will reinforce its importance or she might be trying to gain weight as one way of overcoming her disorder.

It's sad that women feel complimented by being called skinny.  I am at a place where the absolute best compliment ever is like one my friend told me about me "your friendship is such a source of comfort".  Melted my heart.  No comparison to any compliment about my physical features.  

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I was critically ill a few years ago. As a result I lost about 30 pounds. I was just under 100 pounds which was far too low for my height and body type although I am naturally petite. Someone I considered a good, close friend said to me "My gosh, you're way too skinny! Look at you! You lost your boobs, you lost your butt...you look awful!" And I nearly burst into tears. I managed to say "I've been sick! I didn't do this on purpose!" And she didn't even apologize.

I've found it's usually heavier people who struggle with their weight who say things like "Jeez, eat a cheeseburger!" Super rude and insensitive. I would never say "Jeez, put down the cheeseburger!" It's so rude.

I had recently lost a lot of weight again (again, due to illness). I gained all of it back over the past few months. My niece told me "Aunt Boltnrun, you look so healthy these days!". Such a nicer way to say she noticed I put the weight back on. She was happy I was doing better. Instead of insulting me.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I had recently lost a lot of weight again (again, due to illness). I gained all of it back over the past few months. My niece told me "Aunt Boltnrun, you look so healthy these days!". Such a nicer way to say she noticed I put the weight back on. She was happy I was doing better. Instead of insulting me.

Yes I love general observations or you know "full of energy!" because it's focused on your well being overall.

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17 hours ago, mylolita said:

Am I the only one here who would be delighted at being called skinny? 🤣

Believe me, I tend to laugh at crazy things people do more than not :D I'd much rather stay good natured and not get bothered at all by what someone says, but I know what Batya's talking about. 

There's this thinly veiled nastiness when a person calls out you're skinny.  It's not meant as a compliment, and it's coming from a negative-emotion place (not sure if it's always jealousy per se, but it's definitely from a negative place).  It's meant as an insult, even if the person it's directed to is secure and confident - they're still being publicly insulted.

 

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16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My niece told me "Aunt Boltnrun, you look so healthy these days!". Such a nicer way to say she noticed I put the weight back on. She was happy I was doing better. Instead of insulting me.

Yes, you can tell where it's coming from by the tone/way it's said, etc.  

Positive emotions are felt in speech, same as insulting/negatively meant ones.

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3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Believe me, I tend to laugh at crazy things people do more than not :D I'd much rather stay good natured and not get bothered at all by what someone says, but I know what Batya's talking about. 

I do both.  I stay generally good natured and assert boundaries when necessary.  When the dental hygienist called out "bye skinny!" as I left I was reminded of my mom and my conversation about how it's ok to say that but not "Bye Fatty!!"  Not bothered. Didn't say anything and never would.

However by contrast when a dental hygienist years ago commented negatively on my son's height while she was treating him -he was 5- I called the office after and this prompted a team meeting to discuss how it's not ok to make inappropriate comments about a child's size.  I remained good natured, I was bothered, I decided to choose that battle.  I'm glad I did.

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22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I do both.  I stay generally good natured and assert boundaries when necessary.  When the dental hygienist called out "bye skinny!" as I left I was reminded of my mom and my conversation about how it's ok to say that but not "Bye Fatty!!"  Not bothered. Didn't say anything and never would.

However by contrast when a dental hygienist years ago commented negatively on my son's height while she was treating him -he was 5- I called the office after and this prompted a team meeting to discuss how it's not ok to make inappropriate comments about a child's size.  I remained good natured, I was bothered, I decided to choose that battle.  I'm glad I did.

Hey Batya!

 

I think this is where we disagree! Maybe things slide off a bit easier with myself. 
 

If someone had said that about my son, say something like he looks too small to be that age or something not quite professional, I probably would’ve just said, “Good things come in small packages ay!” Then turned to my son and thrown him a wink. That’s the difference. 


If my dentist has called out bye skinny to me, I would’ve turned round to mock check my rear and then said, “Y’think? Well! I’ll take it!” And laughed! I mean okay it’s a little un-formal but I don’t take myself seriously anyway.

 

I think every each one of us have said something we either regretted, or someone has took the wrong way, or come out a little more awkwardly than we initially meant. I think if it is the first time, I give people good Grace and give them the benefit of the doubt. If someone keeps repeating mean sounding comments, then that’s a different story in my book.

 

I call people slim all the time! I often pat my Grandad who is 92 on the shoulder and say, “Looking trim Harry!” And things like that! I think nothing of it and mean it as a nice compliment. Looking well, looking fresh, looking trim, all the rest. My intention is very good so I’m not going to change the way I talk or compliment people. If they have an issue with it I would hope they would tell me to my face and I would say sorry you feel that way but I never meant it like that! I also give other compliments like, to a friend who runs her own business recently I said I admire her drive and how she manages to juggle everything but, passing compliments do tend to be quite outward and superficial I find, especially if the person is not a very close friend.
 

Everyone seems to have different levels of what pushes their buttons or what they would tolerate I suppose!

 

Sorry Spinster the hijacking of this thread!

 

x

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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

If anyone wants to call me skinny, or that I look really young for my age, or glamorous, or sexy - please, go ahead - LOL! 🤣 I wish!

 

I will not take it badly 🤣 
 

x

Yes- different people react differently to comments about their physical features but I always presume with someone I don't know really well to be careful with comments focused on weight and physical features even if positive.

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Yeah, I had someone tell me "you look great!!" when I had extreme weight loss as a result of debilitating anxiety. That didn't make me feel good and I didn't take it as a compliment although I presume this person meant it as one. 

Anyway...

I hope the OP is still doing well.

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On 2/20/2022 at 5:10 AM, mylolita said:

It’s a mess. I often feel like it is still salvageable though and wish they would make the move and maybe take a direction like you did. Even if they split, it would be nice for them to be friends, like yourself and your ex-husband are!

Lo, that gives me a big sad.  I searched for answers so many times over the years and did not learn any truths beyond the most basic.  He came to therapy with me and we couldn't figure it out (proper goal would have been, what were we doing to hurt each other and how to stop).  If the in-laws, like you said, have been in this space for many years then they are probably locked in for good.  That is where the real sad is.

We talked to our daughter about the pending d and she said she knew we were unhappy for a long time but she thought we were just gonna suck it up and power through.  Boy is she perceptive.  Basically, that's what we were up to for the past 10-12 years!

So, for those following this thread, just want y'all to know I went to another city with a girlfriend this weekend and danced to my heart's content every single night.  My go to for a no-worries evening is the best gay bar in town, and it did not disappoint 😉  I'm actually sore and tired!!!

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On 2/25/2022 at 12:29 PM, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I had someone tell me "you look great!!" when I had extreme weight loss as a result of debilitating anxiety. That didn't make me feel good and I didn't take it as a compliment

Bolt, that actually is happening to me right now.  I have gradually lost 40 lbs (I was 150) over the last 14 months without trying after a very large surgery.  I made an appointment with my doctor to investigate and hope it's just a Godly miracle that I downsized (I thought the anesthesia killed my appetite).  But everyone is so complimentary and I'm thinking inside, holy cow thanks but if it's because I'm sick I'll take those 40 back, thank you very much.

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Hi S-Manquee !  So check out the podcast Death Sex and Money -there is a very recent episode that discusses divorce sort of in the context you described above.  I think you'd find it interesting (the episode is about a half hour).  Glad you had fun this weekend and danced!!

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