I feel numb

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

He unfollowed me on Instagram and removed all of our pictures 😥

That's actually a smart thing to do. It's not because he hates you or can't stand the sight of you. It's because these are vital steps for the moving on process.

No one will say it doesn't hurt because of course it does. But if you're kind to yourself and give yourself time you will feel better eventually (believe it or not).

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I don't understand why he'd date me for over 2 years and move in with me and help raise my dog and travel with me if he didn't want an LTR.

He changed his mind. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted when the two of you first got together, and was going with the flow for those two years. Then he had a moment of clarity and realized he wanted to do something else with his life. It happens. We are always changing and growing.

People don't always have their major life decisions hammered out 100%, even when they think they do--especially when it comes to traditional social customs. I didn't realize that I didn't want children until I was 34. I always assumed that I did. But then I got together with my boyfriend. We were heading fast into a long term relationship and he told me, "I don't want kids." I realized that was perfectly fine with me. And then I wondered why I ever even thought I wanted marriage and children....I can only assume that it was because of social custom. I've since wondered if that's why my relationships had rarely lasted for more than 3 or 4 months after my early 20s. On some level, I must have known. Because my boyfriend is by far my longest relationship--we are in our 10th year now and still going strong. 

3 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I am feeling absolutely devastated over this and I hate it. Why am I so stuck on someone who has clearly shown they don't want me. 😥

Yeah, that sucks. If only we could turn off our feelings with a switch. But we can't. Our emotions are too complex for such straightforward circuitry. It's normal to feel stuck like this. But eventually all of these emotions will untangle and you will start to feel better.

[Batya33]

So it's not set in stone but if you want a LTR - marriage -yes? Then what were the plans/timeline for when to get engaged and married? I mean typically -with exceptions -by 2 years there are solid discussions if both people want that.

[moodindigo91]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So it's not set in stone but if you want a LTR - marriage -yes? Then what were the plans/timeline for when to get engaged and married? I mean typically -with exceptions -by 2 years there are solid discussions if both people want that.

Originally, the plan was that we would get engaged when I graduated from law school, if we made it through that ordeal. Instead, four days after I graduated, he left me. 

A few weeks prior to that, he told me he didn't want kids. That's a subject I struggle with myself so not really a deal breaker for me. I spent most of my life not wanting kids, a small portion of it wanting kids, a small portion of it on the fence. Something he was also on the fence about before he told me he decided he didn't. 

We talked about possibly moving to another state, possibly moving abroad in the future, future travel plans/destinations, etc. pretty regularly. 

[Batya33]

Why was law school -making it through -a test as far as getting married? I know of many couples who wait till after grad school for practical reasons - then you know where you will work, then you have time to plan a wedding, etc - but why as some sort of test of the relationship? 

Talking about future travel plans, etc and sharing living space is separate from talk about a marital commitment or marital-like commitment - talk about marriage plus action is certainly relevant - was the plan to see if you both still wanted to be together after graduation and then plan a wedding date?  I know it's over but this sounds like a set up of one foot out the door/keeping options open -not a committed couple -is this sort of a typical pattern for you?

[moodindigo91]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why was law school -making it through -a test as far as getting married? I know of many couples who wait till after grad school for practical reasons - then you know where you will work, then you have time to plan a wedding, etc - but why as some sort of test of the relationship? 

Talking about future travel plans, etc and sharing living space is separate from talk about a marital commitment or marital-like commitment - talk about marriage plus action is certainly relevant - was the plan to see if you both still wanted to be together after graduation and then plan a wedding date?  I know it's over but this sounds like a set up of one foot out the door/keeping options open -not a committed couple -is this sort of a typical pattern for you?

Idk. It wasn't really a test. It was just a funny thing we said. But I definitely wasn't ready to be married when I started law school, and our relationship had just started. Law school takes 2.5-3 years. We figured by then, if we were still together, we'd be ready to be more serious about marriage and stuff. 

But, as the time for me to finish came closer, he drifted away. We've had a lot of talks. Most of them were about him figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. So, I guess he figured it out and I guess it doesn't include me. I loved him so I thought maybe he'd change his mind. But I was wrong about that too. 

No, it's not typical. Or maybe it is. I've only been in a few relationships. Honestly, this was the best one I've had. I feel sad because I feel like I meant nothing to him in the long run. And I guess this meant more to me. He made me feel like we were on the road toward a life commitment for a while. I probably should have just ended it myself in September if not before we went to Greece. 

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately it does happen.  My ex pursued me for FIVE years, declaring that he loved me and begging for another chance (we'd dated briefly a few years prior).  When I finally gave in and allowed him another chance he squandered it with all kinds of unsavory behaviors.

Who knows why they do this?  All that matters is he has clearly demonstrated he's not the right man for you.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

He made me feel like we were on the road toward a life commitment for a while.

This is really focused on you reading tea leaves -how he made you feel.  Sounds like something told you not to have a brief and direct conversation with him about his intentions for the future for you two - it's fine to joke around and then if you actually do want serious plans - make them.  Like "let's get married the summer after I graduate".

[AutumnBorn]

On 12/29/2021 at 5:37 AM, moodindigo91 said:

Yeah. Maybe. I don't understand why he'd date me for over 2 years and move in with me and help raise my dog and travel with me if he didn't want an LTR. It feels like a sudden change or a slow one he never told me about. I am feeling absolutely devastated over this and I hate it. Why am I so stuck on someone who has clearly shown they don't want me. 😥 I felt so wanted by him up until basically September. 

M., can I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships? It's a sociology book about how relationships end, rather than a relationship book, but it seems to provide answers and insights when we aren't sure what exactly happened. It did, at least, for me. Really, it changed how I looked at the end of my marriage. Seeing how it ended in those universal steps, helped me tremendously, and I can't even say why exactly, except it gave me some answers my ex couldn't. I think you might find some hidden answers in there, too.

 

[moodindigo91]

19 hours ago, AutumnBorn said:

M., can I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships? It's a sociology book about how relationships end, rather than a relationship book, but it seems to provide answers and insights when we aren't sure what exactly happened. It did, at least, for me. Really, it changed how I looked at the end of my marriage. Seeing how it ended in those universal steps, helped me tremendously, and I can't even say why exactly, except it gave me some answers my ex couldn't. I think you might find some hidden answers in there, too.

 

Thanks I ordered a copy. I have been listening to some book on codependency my therapist told me to read on audiobook but I'm finding it unhelpful. What you describe sounds more my arena.