Anxiety over having a relationship while sorting my life and career out. Not taken seriously

[ukuser2021]

Hello hope you can help.  So......im quite embarrassed by this and really want to work through this.  So i turned 31 in October.  Currently a sales advisor on a low income wage. Starting in the new year im wanting to change my career, retrain into a longer lasting better financially career as im seeking my own Independence.  Growing up ive always kept my self to myself which hasn't done me any good and while i have the opportunity to change i want too.  I currently lodge at home with my parents but in doing so ive almost got the amount needed for a deposit for a house.  However my current job will not sustain a mortgage hence change of career.

Im also seeking a relationship with someone as i want that someone special in my life, however subconsciously or weather this is actually happening i feel my situation is putting people off wanting to date or have a relationship with me. I feel like they feel i "should have things in order by now" but they cant see im working towards that.

 

I also have my own anxieties which ive been getting counselling for.  But ive not had many relationships before and......still a virgin.  Im anxious that if i get into a serious relationship, i fear having sex in case things go wrong and a un planned pregnancy occurs.  Which in turn ruins my career opportunities, never been able to have the home ive always wanted and not financially stable. Meaning in my mind i shouldn't have a relationship until im financially secure which could be 3 year away.

Now this probably sounds drastic thinking, but its how i think and really embarrassed to share it with anyone for feeling judged.  but im going around in circles with it and it must come across to people that im meeting for coffee dates.

 

Hopefully someone could give me an insight into what im thinking, am i being rational, am i not.  Am i over thinking things or shouldn't i worry about it.

 

Any advise or support would be most appreciated!

 

Many Thanks 

[Batya33]

You don't have to have intercourse to be in a serious relationship -and certainly not right away.  You also can use double birth control methods which really minimizes the risk.  When I was in my 30s I'd have dated someone living with parents only if it was a very temporary situation.  I'd move out and rent and save money over time for the huge commitment of buying a house.  That way you will have that independence -it makes such a big difference as I discovered when I moved out finally at age 28 after grad school.

The right person will see how motivated and ambitious you are.

[ukuser2021]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to have intercourse to be in a serious relationship -and certainly not right away.  You also can use double birth control methods which really minimizes the risk.  When I was in my 30s I'd have dated someone living with parents only if it was a very temporary situation.  I'd move out and rent and save money over time for the huge commitment of buying a house.  That way you will have that independence -it makes such a big difference as I discovered when I moved out finally at age 28 after grad school.

The right person will see how motivated and ambitious you are.

Thank you for your advise! its really given me an eye opener.  I have considered renting but feel it would only be worth it if i was share renting.  As renting on your own is the same or more than a mortgage.  I do want my current living situation to be temp, but im welcomed at home as long as i need. This gives me the best advantage to save as much as possible, allowing me to retrain, so that once my career comes together id be able to get my own place.

 

I also want a relationship but worry things will hinder my plans.   

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, ukuser2021 said:

Thank you for your advise! its really given me an eye opener.  I have considered renting but feel it would only be worth it if i was share renting.  As renting on your own is the same or more than a mortgage.  I do want my current living situation to be temp, but im welcomed at home as long as i need. This gives me the best advantage to save as much as possible, allowing me to retrain, so that once my career comes together id be able to get my own place.

 

I also want a relationship but worry things will hinder my plans.   

So I heard that explanation when I was dating.  More than once.  It never made sense to me for a 30 year old man to prioritize that over living on his own.  Yes, building up equity is a lofty goal but it's so much more important for you to be living on your own whether alone or with a roommate.

I'm 55 -for many years now I could buy a house no issue with not a big mortgage.  I have no desire to own property.  I do like owning investments other than property.  I love renting for many reasons.  And moving out on my own changed my life immeasurably even though I had awesome parents who were so supportive of me going to grad school in my mid 20s and wanting to go full time with working only summers.  I lived at home during that time.  No comparison to my sense of growth and independence when I moved out.

[Coily]

As to the house, it's a lot of additional work to keep and run one; but it's so very worth having a space to call your own. Though I would advise you get settled into your new career first, before looking at buying a home; I bought mine after 4 years of being established at my work.

I will also say never have anxiety over being a virgin. It is rather a special thing, and for the right relationship they will respect that. I think pop culture has made too much of relationships being about sex, which skews things absurdly for those of us not in relationships. I also think you are being unrealistic about putting finding a relationship on hold for 3 years, if the right someone comes along jump at it. I say this as someone who put a relationship on hold to finish University, my reward was being invited to her wedding.

[mical]

I think you are definitely on the right track and that’s amazing you got savings for a deposit on a home if you wish.. 

Sales advisor will give you lots of skills even after one year you could easily transfer to account manager or elsewhere should you choose.

When you mentioned having “things in order”, I understand that, but I wouldn’t stress having a home as the definition of this, especially if it’s not affordable right now. 

A well-off friend of mine was (and still is!) living with roommates in a shared rental because she likes to socialize and be around people, and instead of putting money towards a home, she used it for a rental apartment, then got another, few years later with the built up equity got another, then another - she now owns 5 and is maybe 40 now. Refinanced one and got an Audi.... all while living in a super cheap rental (paying maybe 500 euros a month) living like a student but enjoying her life... she’s also super generous and always goes around giving gift baskets to the poor etc with the extra $$

but what I’m trying to say is - there are so many opportunities out there.. you are getting great skills that can be applicable to many professions ... and all the while saving up $$$ 

Also I wouldn’t worry so much what a girl may think or whatever, as long as you have goal, plan, etc making progress you’ll feel happy and will attract the right person...

 

 

[junebug123]

On 12/2/2021 at 6:35 PM, ukuser2021 said:

I also have my own anxieties which ive been getting counselling for.  But ive not had many relationships before and......still a virgin.  Im anxious that if i get into a serious relationship, i fear having sex in case things go wrong and a un planned pregnancy occurs. 

Look, I don’t want to be rude when I say this. But I think you are deff overthinking things, and that’s to put it lightly. 

First even if a women is ovulating which is like 3-4 days out of the month, there is still only a 33 percent chance that she can get pregnant. If you’ve seen a lot of those Jerry Springer or Maury shows where women are trying to find out who the father is. Then chances are these are people who are having a lot of unprotected sex with many partners.

Getting a girl pregnant is actually kind of difficult, I know people who don’t even use birth control and just um pull out before they finish. 

I think you need to get out of your head and put yourself out there. Some of the patterns you have developed are keeping you in this situation you are in now. Also, there’s something called condoms. 

Personally I use condoms when I first start sleeping with someone and then ask that they start using birth control later on. I’m not saying rush out and have sex with anyone.

I’m just saying that most women around that age are going to expect someone at your age to have a little experience in that area. So hesitation and uncertainty when in comes to actually sealing the deal may come off as a turn off.

[Batya33]

Nope. Much easier to get pregnant. People who use pull out method are called … parents. Same with the rhythm method. And there are many more days of the month than you would think when a woman can get pregnant. 

[boltnrun]

I got pregnant the first two times after having sex ONE time each time.  The first time, the guy used pull out.  Didn't work.  The second time, same story. And the third time, I had unprotected sex twice and, you guessed it, got pregnant.

However, it's typical of the gender that doesn't get pregnant to underestimate how easy it is to impregnate a woman!

But I'm thinking, OP, that you're not even close to thinking about becoming a parent yet.  You can accomplish so much before you get there.  I think you will be fine.