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I need help understanding the need my partner has for affection.


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I have been in a relationship for 4 months with a male sub. He seems to want/need constant affection and reassurance, I want to understand why : The feeling of needing affection per se, and how I can properly fulfill his needs.

Now my real problem you see, I was recently diagnosed as a sociopath, in which I suspect since I was 12. I learned how to read and mimic peoples emotions, however, I am not capable of understanding or caring for them.

The reason I ask for advice is because I actually enjoy my relationship and I want to make my partner happy. In order for this to work, I have to understand how he function the way he does, he is a sensitive person and really enjoys cuddling. I enjoy protecting and caring for him. Now I would appreciate some insight in the need for reassurance.

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If you are incapable of understanding the emotions I am not sure how we will be able to explain emotion and love to you . Emotions and the need for love and affection are innate in the vast majority of people. They are also necessary for good mental health. 

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At this point I realize I am walking on thin ice, even so, I have a strong drive to protect him. What would be things that people do to show others they care? From what I seen the smallest gestures are the ones that make a long way.

Edited by Ravena
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I am obsessed by him, I can't really explain why, but everything about him intrigues me. I just want to keep him safe, shield him from the world. For once, a reason not necessarily to benefit only myself. I can't tell the real reason for having him, just that I would not be calm if something  was upsetting him.

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2 hours ago, Ravena said:

I just want to keep him safe, shield him from the world.

This is much more appropriate for a parent and child. Not two adult romantic partners. 

While it is normal that we want our partners to be safe from harm, it is unrealistic and unhealthy to try to shield them from the world. Do you feel he is too childish or immature to handle the reality of life? Why is he not capable of navigating the real world, and what makes you better-equipped to do so? I think you need to examine your own thoughts on that. 

2 hours ago, Ravena said:

I would not be calm if something  was upsetting him.

So the real motivation here is to protect yourself rather than him.  You wouldn't be able to handle it if something bad happened, but that doesn't mean that he couldn't. Again, he is an adult. I am sure he has learned to cope with life's ups and downs, but I would ask yourself if you have learned to do the same. 

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3 hours ago, Ravena said:

Now my real problem you see, I was recently diagnosed as a sociopath, in which I suspect since I was 12. I learned how to read and mimic peoples emotions, however, I am not capable of understanding or caring for them.

Ok . 16 weeks is the time you're just getting to know each other. How old is he? Was the BDSM arrangement understood when you began dating?

Who "diagnosed" you as a sociopath? It's not a real medical diagnosis. Most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder aren't interested in googling symptoms for insight.

Since this is a BDSM thing, just talk about the terms you both want.

If you are concerned about your mental health you would be better off going to a real physician for a real diagnosis as well as a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.e

Feelings of disconnectedness could be a host of things from neurological disorders to mood disorders to any number of other psychiatric or medical disorders.

As far as this guy, set the terms of your BDSM arrangement.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I should have specified earlier that he is a little. He is 25. I am not a big fan of psychiatrist or any others really, I did visit a few because my mother believed set and stone that I had depression, as it turns out Antisocial Personality Disorder is not a textbook medical diagnoses. They recommended therapy and medicine. Again, in my reality, as if that would help.

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is much more appropriate for a parent and child. Not two adult romantic partners. 

While it is normal that we want our partners to be safe from harm, it is unrealistic and unhealthy to try to shield them from the world. Do you feel he is too childish or immature to handle the reality of life? Why is he not capable of navigating the real world, and what makes you better-equipped to do so? I think you need to examine your own thoughts on that. 

So the real motivation here is to protect yourself rather than him.  You wouldn't be able to handle it if something bad happened, but that doesn't mean that he couldn't. Again, he is an adult. I am sure he has learned to cope with life's ups and downs, but I would ask yourself if you have learned to do the same. 

Terms of agreement, Its kind of my job to be his "mommy". He copes with things differently, as I would guess regular people do, when things are too much to bear I am there to take the control and seize all the responsibility, allowing him to relax.

"Protect my self", I guess to somewhat extent that is correct. He is my anchor, always keeping me from unraveling too far. He is able to stop me before things get to far, most occasions someone upset him, and when it comes to him, it does not take much to trigger my anger. Generally, I can control my temper pretty well, however, if someone hurt him I will seek revenge. He does not approve of my tactics, but will allow me to do as I please until he determines that they had enough. I am not really satisfied about leaving unfinished business, they way he makes me, but I will comply for him in this aspect because I desire to make this work.

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11 minutes ago, Ravena said:

I am not a big fan of psychiatrist or any others really, I did visit a few because my mother believed that I had depression. They recommended therapy and medicine.

Excellent, follow up with your doctors and therapists. You may well have a mood disorder or several psychiatric comorbidities.

But what you are describing is your BDSM situation which has nothing to do with sociopathy. More like rebellion and raw anger.

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We are in a BDSM relationship. That is slightly unrelated, I should have clarified that.

My question a part would be about emotional attachment, I understand that I failed to communicate that.

 

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38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent, follow up with your doctors and therapists. You may well have a mood disorder or several psychiatric comorbidities.

But what you are describing is your BDSM situation which has nothing to do with sociopathy. More like rebellion and raw anger.

Never really gave thought to having a mood disorder, I have always been pretty certain that something was off since I was twelve. Understandably, the brain is fully formed at 25, then it is possible to identify ASPD -accurately? I would say no.

I might seek another specialist about mood disorder, or I might not. At this point I really do not see the reason, I am they way I am for some rather distasteful reasons, there is no changing the course.

The reason I seek advice about relationships is so I can understand things that I do not comprehend, and learn something from them.

For me as well, it is easier to communicate to unknown strangers, than to people that I know, because, even if they do want to help, they are incapable of understanding they way I see or proceed. I have to constantly pretend and filter my reactions and words in order to maintain them at my side. In these cases my aim is not to hurt of manipulate people for my benefit, but to shield them from my true self. For example, I enjoy my mothers company, she is a unique person. I would never tell her that I could careless about people and would be fine if she died tomorrow, I simply put up a faced and act like I perceived other do in relation to their parents.

My lovely mind is a twisted place to be, in order to blend in I put up a "mask", I guess a deception of reality in which I act and live by.

I appreciate the replies, even though you might not understand how helpful it is to me.

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21 hours ago, Ravena said:

The reason I ask for advice is because I actually enjoy my relationship and I want to make my partner happy. In order for this to work, I have to understand how he function the way he does, he is a sensitive person and really enjoys cuddling. I enjoy protecting and caring for him. Now I would appreciate some insight in the need for reassurance.

You've chosen to be in a BDSM relationship so if you are the mommy then it's natural he wants this sort of affection.  To fulfil his needs play the assigned role in your chosen BDSM interaction.  It's not slightly unrelated it's completely related and explains why he interacts with you in the manner he does.

Edited by Batya33
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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You've chosen to be in a BDSM relationship so if you are the mommy then it's natural he wants this sort of affection.  To fulfil his needs play the assigned role in your chosen BDSM interaction.  It's not slightly unrelated it's completely related and explains why he interacts with you in the manner he does.

Thank you for the straight answer, this is what I seek. It might appear to be simply, however, I am not able to perceive such things.

Edited by Ravena
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2 minutes ago, Ravena said:

Thank you for the straight answer, this is what I seek. It might appear to be simply, however, I am not able to perceive such things.

So if you're not able to perceive such things I'm surprised you would choose an unusual interaction like BDSM.  Typical romantic relationships are difficult enough even with typical social/emotional skills but choosing this sort of way to interact injects even more complication into the relationship.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if you're not able to perceive such things I'm surprised you would choose an unusual interaction like BDSM.  Typical romantic relationships are difficult enough even with typical social/emotional skills but choosing this sort of way to interact injects even more complication into the relationship.

Besides enjoying a good challenged, it was far from what I planned. I have tried romantic relationships, and lets just say they were shortly lived.

I have friends that introduced me to BDSM a while ago, in the beginning I was naturally drawn towards masochists subs, the issues with that was myself control at the time, (keep in mind the only notion that I had was that I enjoyed causing pain). Things happened, and for some unexplained reason I ended up with a little. It is unbelievably the progression that this path had. Now we are here trying to figure out how in the world we make this work.

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13 hours ago, Ravena said:

Besides enjoying a good challenged, it was far from what I planned. I have tried romantic relationships, and lets just say they were shortly lived.

I have friends that introduced me to BDSM a while ago, in the beginning I was naturally drawn towards masochists subs, the issues with that was myself control at the time, (keep in mind the only notion that I had was that I enjoyed causing pain). Things happened, and for some unexplained reason I ended up with a little. It is unbelievably the progression that this path had. Now we are here trying to figure out how in the world we make this work.

You cannot make it work in any real way with your passive mindset.  I really don't want to be involved in a discussion where your motivation was to cause pain.  To me that has nothing to do with wanting to give to your partner or make your partner happy.  Take responsibility for all of your choices -nothing like this "just happens". 

How in the world you make this work is you choose to avoid interacting in any close, intimate way until you get the professional help you need so that you're not motivated to interact by a desire to cause someone else pain.  You describe that in the past tense but right now your interaction is based on what you label BDSM and it is your choice to be and stay involved.  

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