I have just realized I cannot have the girl I love, and I feel heartbroken

[motusvitaest]

Hello girls and guys,

there is this girl I like. We've known each other for more than 3 years, although at the beginning, for more than a year, we were just university mates.

Later, when we started hanging out more frequently with our group of friends, some of them often told me that she seemed interested in me. Initially, I wasn't so interested in her, but then I really got into her. We started hanging out on our own, without our friends. Our "dates" took place not very often, but regularly. However, I've never got to the point of kissing her. We both are very shy, so I am afraid of trying to kiss her and being rejected. I only started some minimal physical contact, which she seemed to accept.

Anyways, weeks passed by and I totally fell in love with her. However, at the same time, her life changed a lot due to some unpleasant family issues. Her mother was diagnosed with a quite severe illness, and since she is very very tied to her parents, she's obviously terribly sad and worried. She also had to (temporarily) quit university and look for a job, in order to help her family, since her mother cannot work anymore (she comes from a quite poor, working class family).

Lately, after I hadn't heard from her for more than 3 months (she had gone back to her home country for some time), she texted me and asked me to hang out. We've met two days ago and spent the evening together. We've talked for hours and she opened up a lot with me. She told me about her concerns with her mother's health, with having to quit university, etc. It really broke my heart to see how overcome and sad she was. At one point she was about to cry. She also told me that she hopes her mother heals and retires from work, so they can all move to their home country (she hates the place where we both live, despite being born here, because she's been often discriminated by racist scumbags, which unfortunately are quite a lot in our region).

So basically, even though she shows some signs of interest in me (or at least, this is what I think, due to the way we look at each other, due to the fact she's the one that asks me to hang out and do things with her...), I have now understood that I will never be able to start a relationship with her. At the moment, her mind is focused on helping her family and caring for her mother, which of course I totally understand, and on the long run she is waiting for the moment she can finally leave this country.

I have fell in love with the wrong girl, and now there's nothing left to do for me, except hoping that one day she finally manages to be happy again.

Thank you for reading this. If you want to share your opinion or any other feedback on this story, I would gladly read it.

Cheers!

[Wise Wally]

I don't know what country you're in, but it sounds like her desire to move could just be an emotional reaction to a few bad apples, which could fade.  I would keep things going until she actually buys the plane tickets.  For all you know, she grows fonder of you and that desire changes.  

[Kwothe28]

You have a fear of rejection. You are not acting on your crush not because of her family issues or her metaphorical leaving of the country, but because of your fear. Anything else is just a convenient excuse. I am not saying because of her(even her would maybe need some love right now even though she has a lot of issues), but for some future girl you will maybe come in contact with. And that you need to work on that and overcome it. Because it will create you problems in the future. You need to realize that rejection is nothing special. And that its much better to go there and be rejected then to spend months(or in your case years) not knowing where you stand. Sure, it maybe hurts sometimes, but its better to know earlier and move on. 

As for her, she needs a friend. That is why she contacted you. You dont call "boyfriend material" to cry on him how your life is miserable. You call a friend for that. So I think she sees you in that way, not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. And if you cant accept that, then its better to cut contact. For your own sake.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, motusvitaest said:

I have now understood that I will never be able to start a relationship with her. At the moment, her mind is focused on helping her family and caring for her mother, which of course I totally understand, and on the long run she is waiting for the moment she can finally leave this country.

That's ok. You have known a nice person like her and be glad that your paths crossed one another. She's going through a tough time so it's good of you to recognize she's not in any shape to start up a new romance. Be respectful of that and keep your distance if you need to. 

If she reaches out be a good friend but nothing more. If this is hard on you imagine how difficult it is for her also to leave (despite not liking this area). Moving anywhere takes adjustment and saying goodbye to old comforts.

Spend time with friends and keep yourself busy. 

[motusvitaest]

28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

That's ok. You have known a nice person like her and be glad that your paths crossed one another. She's going through a tough time so it's good of you to recognize she's not in any shape to start up a new romance. Be respectful of that and keep your distance if you need to. 

If she reaches out be a good friend but nothing more. If this is hard on you imagine how difficult it is for her also to leave (despite not liking this area). Moving anywhere takes adjustment and saying goodbye to old comforts.

Spend time with friends and keep yourself busy. 

Yup, she definitely is a nice person and I consider myself lucky to have her as a friend. I'll just leave things as they are, and I'll continue to be a friend without trying to be anything else.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You have a fear of rejection. You are not acting on your crush not because of her family issues or her metaphorical leaving of the country, but because of your fear. Anything else is just a convenient excuse. I am not saying because of her(even her would maybe need some love right now even though she has a lot of issues), but for some future girl you will maybe come in contact with. And that you need to work on that and overcome it. Because it will create you problems in the future. You need to realize that rejection is nothing special. And that its much better to go there and be rejected then to spend months(or in your case years) not knowing where you stand. Sure, it maybe hurts sometimes, but its better to know earlier and move on. 

As for her, she needs a friend. That is why she contacted you. You dont call "boyfriend material" to cry on him how your life is miserable. You call a friend for that. So I think she sees you in that way, not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. And if you cant accept that, then its better to cut contact. For your own sake.

I definitely am afraid of rejection, because I only try to move things forward with girls when I am receiving huge "green flags" from them. That's something I have to work on and improve.

Anyway, the second part of your post seems accurate. I won't cut contact because I can totally accept being "just" a friend for her. I am realizing that it's the only kind of human relationship that can exist between the two of us.

1 hour ago, Wise Wally said:

I don't know what country you're in, but it sounds like her desire to move could just be an emotional reaction to a few bad apples, which could fade.  I would keep things going until she actually buys the plane tickets.  For all you know, she grows fonder of you and that desire changes.  

We are in an European country. Her desire to move is a reaction to *a lot* of bad experiences she has unfortunately gone through since she was a little girl. I can totally understand her desire to leave as soon as possible, if I had been in her place I would have reacted in the same way.

[greendots]

How do you know for certain that she isn't interesting in dating you? She may be going through a lot, but maybe dating you would be a pleasant change. All I'm saying is, ask her out for coffee and see whether she might be interested in dating you.

As for her moving overseas one day, nothing has been set in stone until she has the airline tickets.

All the best! 🙂