Happy break up anniversary! it's been a year today..

[sfindependent]

it's been a year, to the date, when she left. And I miss her as much. 

It's been a long year for me. I really took a deep dive into looking into what drove me to do the things I did, that hurt her. Honestly some of the things I said I'd never do, from past relationships, resurfaced in our relationship. 

I'm in therapy now. I know I wasn't a good partner (even though i thought I was) and i'm realizing my traumas reflected the way I see and handled my relationships. I mostly didn't know how to communicate my needs, came out that I was insensitive, uncaring, aloof, distant. I didn't mean to be the way I did. I was also recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and have been prescribed some meds. it wasn't all bad. we had great times. we made it work. But I wasn't strong enough to be someone who gave her respect, affection and love. 

The last time we talked, she initiated it. And i feel the changes I had been trying to do reflected on our conversation. She said she couldn't handle being friends at the moment and needed time to process things still. This was months ago. I messaged her casually over a memory we shared on FB (we're not friends on FB) and instead, she blocks me from all platforms. I had not once reached out or ran after her or begged or pleaded. 

I've admitted to my faults and truly broke that trust she had, especially at her lowest time. I'm not the greatest. But Im striving to be. 

Anyway, it's been a year. me and my friends have noticed a difference in me. And I notice a difference with how I handle my relationships, platonic or otherwise (family etc). I wish she knew how much remorse I felt hurting her. I wish she knows I'd dig deep into my personal traumatic hell just to be a better man for someone like her. 

I know these things take time, and I should focus on myself and I am. I know she probably won't ever reach out. But in some way I hope she knows I've got a lot more to offer her now, than who I was a year ago.

Happy Break Up anniversary. 

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry about your break up. It sounds difficult. Make the changes for you however, not for her or anyone else. 

[Batya33]

It's not about what you have to "offer her" - because even if she "knew" that it really has nothing to do with why she is not with you.  Certainly if for example you couldn't offer her something concrete, like you didn't want a child, she did, now you changed your mind and that was the only dealbreaker then sure, her knowing that could make a huge difference but usually couples who break up over something like that often make it clear that if that obstacle weren't there they'd love to be together.  I don't think you should contact her anymore.  Leave her be.  I'm glad you are making changes and a year is a good amount of time to help you heal!

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, sfindependent said:

i feel the changes I had been trying to do reflected on our conversation. She said she couldn't handle being friends at the moment and needed time to process things still. This was months ago. I messaged her casually over a memory we shared on FB (we're not friends on FB) and instead, she blocks me from all platforms.

Is good that you've reached out for some prof help, I guess you realized you needed to.

And also realize what's done is done.  You cannot fix what's happened between you two now.

She is trying to work on processing her experience as well and no, sadly you cannot expect anything 'friendship wise' with her.. Is often how it goes after a traumatic BU 😕 . ( is like going backwards.. not so easy!).

Is time for YOU to accept all of this and let go.

And remain focused on yourself and keep at your self improvement.

One day at a time.

[Keyman]

I think you're at about the point where you need to work on closing the door completely. The idea of friends is a foot still in the door holding it and your feelings, and this is stopping you from fully moving on. That should be the goal here. You've deep dived into yourself, have reflected a plenty, but you are still holding on for something from her, and it's not helping your healing.

 

Work to pull that foot out of the door, let her go completely, try to focus on moving forward instead of hanging onto the past, and close that door.

[sfindependent]

thanks, people. 

I was having my usual therapy sesh and I came to one of a more logical explanation.

Part of why I'm hung up on remaining connected with her, is yes. I truly deeply madly (cue Savage Garden) love her. I was most committed to her as much as I can, with what I was given. I F'd up hard, and I hurt her and I acknowledge my fault and my weaknesses. But another thing I recognized lately is that, part of why i'm stuck on her is that, emerging from rebirthing myself with awareness of my mental health and triggers and what and how I behave, I want to show her, and myself that I am capable of loving someone. When I was with her, I loved her, but I didn't know how to show it. I said/ did things to hurt her and that's not what loving is. I KNOW in my mind that that's not what love is, but then, again, my brain didn't know how to act or to give or to be loving. 

I hate myself for not being able to truly show her my true self, or at least for the time being the effort, im doing to reach my full potential for giving the love I had inside. 

[Batya33]

But you did know.  You just chose not to. You chose not to do the self work and take the time and make the compromises to show love by giving to your partner. It’s lovely to have love inside.  But people are not mind readers. Loving is giving. Much more than just a feeling. It’s not a passive car wash.
Of course you knew what to do and of course your brain knew.  You chose not to because for whatever reason it wasn’t important  enough to you. people move towards pleasure and away from pain. It gave you more pleasure to make the choices you did at that time.
For the last umpteen years my husband will not finish cake if he thinks there’s a chance I might want to have more the next day or later so he leaves these tiny bits in the package in the fridge   He knows I don’t eat too much cake  
 

I know for sure he’d love to finish it and he assumes to be thoughtful he should leave some   So let’s say I found an empty box and told him “oh I was looking forward to cake” and he said “I’m sorry!  Inside I know I want you to enjoy more cake   I know it to my core and it’s because I love you soooo much and my brain just told me to finish the cake!!”  

 

Sure it’s nice to hear   But that’s not really what keeps a relationship going  it’s about acting on feelings of love in small and big ways (leaving cake over of course is the biggest way )

After she left in hindsight you realized you should have made different choices.  But she’s not obligated to wait around and probably shouldn’t. she’s not obligated to trust your say so that you changed and invest her precious time in you again. 

I mean I leave it to your health professionals to label this as a “rebirth “. To me it’s basic common sense and quite simple. No birthing required.  Simply different choices.  Which now are important to you and weren’t back then. Fairly typical. 
You’re assuming that your changes would have an impact on someone you haven’t been involved with in a year.  Many move on.
 So even if you are now making different choices the other person has to be in a place where she is interested in getting to know you all over again and isn’t with or interested in being with someone else.  It’s not realistic to think people stay stagnant and wait for you.