I think my relationship fell apart with my boyfriend

[livy]

I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 23, recently my boyfriend and I got new jobs around the same time. Our usual routine is seeing talking on the phone every night at 9 pm and then seeing each other once a week on Saturday. We are both full-time students so now that our new jobs have been thrown into the mix it's become much harder to find time for each other, I still tried to keep our phone call routine but he told me he didn't want to talk to me every night anymore because of the stress from work. Upon hearing that I was feeling kind of hurt because I felt as though we would eventually start to drift apart.

A few days ago an old short-lived flame messaged me asking if he can take me out, I told him that I didn't think that would be a good idea since I have a boyfriend now and then proceeded to block this old flame. Since I had doubts about our relationship that interaction had me imagining my life as a single adult woman since I never got to experience that since I met my bf at 18, I felt like *** for even thinking about not being with him and I quickly snapped out of it.

Fast forward to yesterday, I snapped on my bf and telling him how I felt unloved because we don't spend enough time together and telling him how I missed how things used to be; kind of understandably he told me that he's at the age now where he doesn't have time to be in the honeymoon phase anymore, but that's when he started to get more upset about the conversation and blew up on me and called me a ***, in response to that I got offended and pissed off too and told him that I emotionally checked out of the relationship a long time ago and that I was no longer in love with him (which I said out of anger) but finally I told him about the old flame that hit me up and I confessed to him the imaginations I had. Understandably he was pissed and we argued A LOT.

The argument was pretty much him telling me that I was too clingy and me telling him that I wish he would communicate what he's thinking with me instead of allowing me to be under the impression that everything was alright. In the midst of this argument I told him that I wanted to end the relationship, it is not uncommon for me to throw around that break up threat; when I say I to break up I usually say it to him to get a reaction since he acts like he doesn't care for the relationship when we fight (extremely toxic on my part, I'm trying to work on that). This time was different though, he blocked me on everything except my phone number.

Fast forward today, I woke up feeling like an absolute *** for everything I did and said to him in the midst of my rage, we shared some messages over text, pretty much regurgitating everything we spoke about last night, he was under the impression that I expected him to drop everything for me which isn't true and that I was heavily manipulative with my threats of breaking up with him and that he was 26 and needed something stable but my whole thing was that he needed to communicate with me more and that if he made the effort to actually have a serious talk with me, he wouldn't think that I had these expectations.

As of right now, I'm unsure of the fate of our relationship, the last thing he said to me was "I'm sorry for being an *** to you, I need time to think. I'm in a bad shape." I don't think I will ever get over him, we have been together for almost three years and I'm still in love with him.

I hope my post made sense but I'm in serious need of advice. What should I do?

[melancholy123]

It sounds to me like it's over.  You need to remember you are only 20 or 21!  You have lots of yers to grow and mature and live your life and find the right guy.

The person you think you love as a teen/early 20s is not usually the one you end up with for life.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is toast. 

He sounds like he's been losing interest for quite a while, and you are clearly (understandably) not happy with the state of things anymore. I also agree with @melancholy123 that your very young age means that this man would likely not wind up being the great love of your life. They usually aren't, when we meet someone as a teen. This relationship was training wheels for the more mature and significant ones to come. 

Do the healthy thing and part ways. And please, work on your angry tendency to threaten a break up - the next guy might not take that kind of BS, and leave you high and dry the first time. There is no "working on" that - just don't do it. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, livy said:

I don't think I will ever get over him, we have been together for almost three years and I'm still in love with him.

Sorry this happened . It seems like things that have been simmering for a while finally came to a head. 

Cool off and reflect. Maybe the relationship was more of a security blanket than a viable healthy union.

Name calling, breakup games, jabs at each other. Is this what you want?

You've outgrown this and so has he.

If simple things like getting jobs and hearing from old flames is enough to shake the relationship at it's core, it seems you two were coasting along in a rut.

Embrace change with more confidence.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, livy said:

I don't think I will ever get over him, we have been together for almost three years and I'm still in love with him.

You DEFINITELY will. It may not seem like it now, but you will.

You got demoted in this relationship and you (understandably) didn't like it. His "stress" excuse sounds like a bunch of nonsense. I think he was starting to move on from this relationship and wanted to keep you as a fallback plan. You sensed that on some level, and you confronted him.

But you did something else that wasn't too smart: you cried wolf one time too many about breaking up. Honestly, he probably liked that drama in the past, which is why it worked. But now that he's disengaging he saw it as an opportunity. Suddenly, you're clingy and he's some kind of rock star.

Is this the kind of relationship that you picture when you think about 'happily ever after?' I hope not. 

I think you handled the interaction with the other guy just fine. But the ground fell out from beneath you when you tried to fling it in your boyfriend's face. Drama works sometimes, but then it doesn't. Think about that, and steer yourself towards a partner that you don't have to manipulate.

Use this as a learning opportunity. 

[boltnrun]

15 hours ago, livy said:

it is not uncommon for me to throw around that break up threat; when I say I to break up I usually say it to him to get a reaction

Why do you resort to manipulative games instead of talking to him like a mature adult?

He probably got tired of it and decided to take you at your word. Don't be surprised if he's finally had enough.

[livy]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you resort to manipulative games instead of talking to him like a mature adult?

He probably got tired of it and decided to take you at your word. Don't be surprised if he's finally had enough.

When it comes to confrontation and arguments, he never really shows emotion and acts nonchalant so I guess I resort to manipulation to get him to act like he cares.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, livy said:

When it comes to confrontation and arguments, he never really shows emotion and acts nonchalant so I guess I resort to manipulation to get him to act like he cares.

What's wrong with telling him "When we have arguments I feel that you act nonchalant and emotionless. Resolving arguments is important to me because YOU are important to me. Can we talk this out?" 

Instead of, you know, breaking up or threatening to and expecting him to beg or fall apart.

[smackie9]

You both just need to spend time to think things over and cool down...no one is wrong or right, just different perspectives. You need to think over how you communicate, and so does he. Maybe regroup for another discussion or two later and ask him what he would like to see be changed in how you approach a conversation. It's typical stuff. Communication is so important. Everyone has their way which can lead to trouble understanding each other. This is what I see. If you don't understand each other, of course things will blow up into arguments every time.

[MissCanuck]

On 9/16/2021 at 8:28 PM, livy said:

When it comes to confrontation and arguments, he never really shows emotion and acts nonchalant so I guess I resort to manipulation to get him to act like he cares.

As you are seeing, this tactic stops working after a certain point. 

When you're resorting to threats to get someone to show you they care, the relationship is usually already dead.