What to do, what to do

[mayaluvagal]

Hi everyone!

So my ex and I are both 23, we dated for two years and broke up at the beginning of COVID. He ended things because he wanted to go off and be single, he didn't have his job figured out and wanted some more stability with that. We also went to a very strict college so we were never able to party or anything. Since then we've basically kept in touch the entire time. I've had conversations with him about how I wasn't entirely healed and needed to stop talking/ hanging so I could be myself again because I feel I have my guard up a lot of the time when we hangout and I overthink things. He understands but we always end up hanging again. More recently though, we've been hanging out/ talking weekly for the most part. He is initiating most of this, however, occasionaly I will reach out first or ask him to hang. When we hangout we are physical but not all the time. I know this is stupid on my end too because I'm not sticking to my word in terms of telling him I need to heal but we get along and I enjoy seeing/ talking to him. I don't have an agenda or anything in talking to him, I don't expect to get back together or anything but I'm also not opposed to it down the line. But I don't always get consistency out of him when we hang, and he doesn't always flirt with me which makes me get in my head and think he isn't attracted to me. I hold back too though and don't always flirt like I want to but that's just because I have my guard up. I don't know what to do... truly. Anyone have thoughts?

[MissCanuck]

You need to stop haning out with him, because it will hurt you way too much when he fades because he's started dating someone else. 

 

[mayaluvagal]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to stop haning out with him, because it will hurt you way too much when he fades because he's started dating someone else. 

 

But what if we stay friends and he starts to want me

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

But what if we stay friends and he starts to want me

OP, you broke up a while ago. 

It would have already happened if it were going to. All you're doing him right now is keeping him warm until he finds someone else. Also, if he broke up because he wants to be single, you need to realize he's probably had sex with other girls by now too.

It's time to face reality and let him go before you get your heart crushed. 

[mayaluvagal]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, you broke up a while ago. 

It would have already happened if it were going to. All you're doing him right now is keeping him warm until he finds someone else. Also, if he broke up because he wants to be single, you need to realize he's probably had sex with other girls by now too.

It's time to face reality and let him go before you get your heart crushed. 

Do you think if I let him go, and he goes off and dates other people there's a chance he can still come back at some point and realize he wants to be with me? Also, when cutting it off, should I have the conversation in person and what do I say?

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

we dated for two years and broke up at the beginning of COVID.  we always end up hanging again. When we hangout we are physical but not all the time. I don't expect to get back together or anything but I'm also not opposed to it 

Sorry this is happening. It's hurtful to you to hookup with someone who dumped you and demoted you to FWB and then worship them for this disrespect.

Unfortunately you are hoping that by acquiescing to hookups that you'll be able parlay that into reconciliation. However all it really does is harm you and condone his disrespect for you.

Talk to trusted adult friends and family about what happy healthy dating situations should look like.

At this point you're simply hurting while he has fun playing the field and having on-call sex with you.

 

[mayaluvagal]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's hurtful to you to hookup with someone who dumped you and demoted you to FWB and then worship them for this disrespect.

Unfortunately you are hoping that by acquiescing to hookups that you'll be able parlay that into reconciliation. However all it really does is harm you and condone his disrespect for you.

Talk to trusted adult friends and family about what happy healthy dating situations should look like.

At this point you're simply hurting while he has fun playing the field and having on-call sex with you.

 

We don’t just hook up though that’s the thing. We don’t even do it every time. We go out and do stuff too. But I understand where you’re coming from and he’s definitely getting something from me. We have a deep rooted friendship and I know he’s being selfish and he would say he’s being selfish too most likely. I just truly think he doesn’t know what he wants. And I wouldn’t say he disrespects me, I think we have mutual respect but he is being selfish, yes

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

We don’t just hook up . We go out and do stuff too. he is being selfish, yes

 Well yes, he demoted you to FWB.

His selfishness doesn't really serve you well as far as self-respect and freeing yourself for the type of relationship you would be happier in.

[mayaluvagal]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Well yes, he demoted you to FWB.

His selfishness doesn't really serve you well as far as self-respect and freeing yourself for the type of relationship you would be happier in.

I understand. Is there a chance that if I cut things off and let him do his thing, he’ll come back

[DarkCh0c0]

OP, you need to realize that someone doesn't need to break up with you to realize whether they love you or not. If he truly loved you, he would have not broken up with you. Ifhe doesn't know what he wants: he doesn't want you enough. It's as simple as that.

So, why lurk around, give him the benefits of being in a relationship minus committing to you and showing you love? Why let him use you while your feelings get deeper for him until one day he finds someone else?

I suggest you cut - literally - all ties with him. You need to heal like you mentioned and look for serious committed single men who will treat you right. No games, no "idk". Men who would tell you " I love you and I want you". No "buts" neither.

"I like you and I want you". Simple. You deserve that.

[mayaluvagal]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP, you need to realize that someone doesn't need to break up with you to realize whether they love you or not. If he truly loved you, he would have not broken up with you. Ifhe doesn't know what he wants: he doesn't want you enough. It's as simple as that.

So, why lurk around, give him the benefits of being in a relationship minus committing to you and showing you love? Why let him use you while your feelings get deeper for him until one day he finds someone else?

I suggest you cut - literally - all ties with him. You need to heal like you mentioned and look for serious committed single men who will treat you right. No games, no "idk". Men who would tell you " I love you and I want you". No "buts" neither.

"I like you and I want you". Simple. You deserve that.

I understand. You think here’s a way I could leave him and he could come back

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

a way I could leave him and he could come back

He is back, but on his terms. Your task is to determine if that disrespect is what you want.

If you remain obsessed with him, perhaps some short term therapy could help you unpack and sort that out.

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

You think here’s a way I could leave him and he could come back

OP, you are asking for validation from us. And think how he will magically be into you and come back if you let him go when he see what is out there. That wont happen. He already made his decision about you. And that is that he doesnt want to date you and that you are just somebody he see from time to time and gets physical if he wants. When he moves on you will indeed be left in shambles. While he wouldnt care. You are stagnating your progress by doing this. Because you will never move on if you just let him do what he wants. You are not trying to move on and date anybody else and you are clinging on hope he might just magically be into you again and come back. Its very bad for you. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, mayaluvagal said:

Do you think if I let him go, and he goes off and dates other people there's a chance he can still come back at some point and realize he wants to be with me? Also, when cutting it off, should I have the conversation in person and what do I say?

No, I think this relationship is well and truly over. 

And no, I don't think you need to speak to him in person about this. The next time he messages or calls you, tell him that you no longer want to communicate because it's clear you two do not have the goal here and it's preventing you from accepting the break-up and moving on. 

[melancholy123]

I think you need to enlarge your social circle and not spend so much time thinking about this guy.  There are lots of other guys in the world, you need to look for a new bf.    FWB is not a good situation for you.

Get out there, meet new people, take up a hobby, join a group etc.  Your world sounds too small.

[mayaluvagal]

11 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I think you need to enlarge your social circle and not spend so much time thinking about this guy.  There are lots of other guys in the world, you need to look for a new bf.    FWB is not a good situation for you.

Get out there, meet new people, take up a hobby, join a group etc.  Your world sounds too small.

How can you tell my world sounds too small

[mayaluvagal]

38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, I think this relationship is well and truly over. 

And no, I don't think you need to speak to him in person about this. The next time he messages or calls you, tell him that you no longer want to communicate because it's clear you two do not have the goal here and it's preventing you from accepting the break-up and moving on. 

We’ve always been open and honest with each other so I feel that maybe in person is best when having that conversation. And I understand me asking you if it is truly over is a difficult question for you to answer. I’m not someone that would cut ties with him as to seeing we’ve been friends for so long. Maybe we can stay in touch but I just won’t reply much, just distance myself in other words

[mayaluvagal]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

OP, you are asking for validation from us. And think how he will magically be into you and come back if you let him go when he see what is out there. That wont happen. He already made his decision about you. And that is that he doesnt want to date you and that you are just somebody he see from time to time and gets physical if he wants. When he moves on you will indeed be left in shambles. While he wouldnt care. You are stagnating your progress by doing this. Because you will never move on if you just let him do what he wants. You are not trying to move on and date anybody else and you are clinging on hope he might just magically be into you again and come back. Its very bad for you. 

This all feels so wrong though. And I understand me asking you that question is difficult for you to answer as you don’t know either of us personally. But this has felt so wrong and I’ve had exes before and it’s never been this difficult. I know this is bad for me

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, mayaluvagal said:

But what if we stay friends and he starts to want me

He might want to have sex with you - can you be true friends with him and be ok hearing about the gals he is interested in dating and hooking up with and or is dating?  That is what friends talk about.  If he starts to want you he knows how to reach you even if you haven't been in contact for years.  Just wanting you is not enough.  He has to want to be in a serious relationship with you.  Not just want to be  with you short term and keep his options open.  But he doesn't want that right now and if you hang around him he likely will know you're settling for scraps and lose respect for you because you will be showing him you do not respect yourself.

In simple term - let's say you all of a sudden miss an old friend - you haven't been in touch in a long time.  Do you have to be around that person to feel like you miss them? Of course not! So if you miss that person a lot you do what it takes to get in touch because you're motivated to reconnect.  

I had a serious short term boyfriend in 2003.  But he never really fell in love with me.  We dated for five months.  He ended things in August and the next month he wanted to meet up. I did and stupidly I fooled around with him -no sex but fooled around.  I realized how stupid that was so I stopped and told him that unless he really wanted to be serious with me not to contact me.  About 5 months after that I ran into him on the street.  Because I chose not to be in contact anymore I'd started dating someone else.  He told me when I ran into him that he'd met someone -he who had never been in a very long term relationship (he was 40) - it stung a little bit but not a lot.  Why? Because I treated myself with respect and stayed away.  About 1.5 years after that a mutual friend told me he got engaged to her (she told me since I would have heard about it anyway as I was friends with his brother and had been for years).

  So he wasn't in love with me, and 6 months later he met his future wife.  Imagine how awful I would have felt if I'd settled for his scraps.  I still felt a twinge but only a twinge.  Oh and he kept contacting me from time to time -before and after he got engaged and when he married - some of the emails were not that appropriate.  So I dodged a bullet I guess.  They've been married over 15 years.  I'm not mad about it - I accept he wasn't that into me and he was that into her- well enough so that he married her - perhaps he cheats, perhaps not but the point is I do not care.  Because I stepped away and took care of me.  Take care of you, ok?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, mayaluvagal said:

Maybe we can stay in touch but I just won’t reply much

That's just playing games and will not result in respect for you or reconciliation. 

If you wish to stay friends, simply distance yourself.

It's unclear why you wish to sacrifice your own happiness to provide easy sex on his terms for him.

It's also unclear why you have not chosen to seek out appropriate mutually  desired and respectful relationships.

[melancholy123]

49 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

How can you tell my world sounds too small

Because you seem too wrapped up in this guy and not wanting to lose him.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, mayaluvagal said:

 Maybe we can stay in touch but I just won’t reply much, just distance myself in other words

How well do you suppose that will work when he finds a new girlfriend? 

 

[Kwothe28]

58 minutes ago, mayaluvagal said:

This all feels so wrong though. And I understand me asking you that question is difficult for you to answer as you don’t know either of us personally. But this has felt so wrong and I’ve had exes before and it’s never been this difficult. I know this is bad for me

Nobody said its going to be easy to cut him off. Youve been with him for 2 years and and have this weird FWB thing where you keep him close hoping he would come back for what, 2 years now? Ofcourse its not an easy thing to do. Just that you need to do it for yourself. Because again, he doesnt care. He gets what he wants from you and what he wants isnt and wont be a proper relationship. As soon as somebody else comes by, he would be gone. And you will be left to pick up the pieces of you who would broke when that happens. Its you, and only you who needs to take care of herself. And move on to find somebody who would actually want you as a partner, not just as a doormat where he would wipe his shoes and move on.