Open during long distance (TW)

[gecko44988]

I’m kinda having a dilemma about sharing something that happened during a open-relationship period in my two year relationship with my girlfriend (we’re both girls) I feel guilty not telling her and I don’t know if I’m being selfish for wanting to tell her or if it’s just a way to try to satisfy my guilty conscience. (TW!: r*pe)
 

we got together a few months before we graduated high school, be we have been friends since 9th grade. We spent the entire summer together and developed a (slight?) codependency on each other. We became best friends and spend all our free time together. College came around and we decided to do long distance bc she went to school out of state and I stayed in state. I struggled with feeling secure in a LDR and had terrible self image issues and relied on my partner for my confidence/happiness tbh. We didn’t talk much while we were apart, we had conflicting class/work schedules and I felt neglected when I felt like she forgot our dates/wasn’t present (she has ADD that was undiagnosed til recently). But the moments we were together were genuinely amazing, loving experiences, so we stayed together 

 

A couple months into the LDR, I suggested we open our relationship because I felt lonely, which ended up being the dumbest decision I’ve ever made. We agreed to and I started seeing this guy who gave off major red flags with crossing physical/sexual boundaries. He was aggressive, but I ignored it bc I wanted the validation. The third time I saw him at his house, he watched me throw up for an hour and then raped me. He admitted to it initially and backtracked by saying he misinterpreted my “no”. After that, I told my open-relationship girlfriend and we talked about closing the relationship. she disclosed that while we were open, she had been dating/ had sex with a guy she had dated before me.

 

I got jealous even though, I suggested opening the relationship. I told her that I wanted to break up because I felt guilty for opening it/didn’t want to think about the SA anymore. At this point I was really down bad and when the same dude that raped me reached out to attempt to ‘explain’ why, I trusted him and chose to believe that he didn’t mean to/I recounted the events incorrectly. I went over to his house again b/c I was sad and jealous. We had sex (I know-***??) which I consented to this time, but I was just kinda lying there, crying the entire time. That nights been kinda blacked out from my memory, but I never told my girlfriend about it. We got back together after this and did half a semester of long distance again before covid brought her back to the same state again. 

 By opening the relationship I’ve given her trust issues and we've been working on repairing it for the last year. The longer I go knowing I haven’t told her, the worse I feel. We are talking about moving in together, but I feel like it would be wrong. I also don’t want to hurt her but I broke her trust. I don’t know if it would be selfishly motivated to tell her, in a just trying to get rid of my guilty conscience way. I don’t want to destroy her perception of relationships, but I don’t want to base our relationship on lies/truth omission.

 

advice? Please be harsh. 

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[LotusBlack]

I think, at this point in time, you need to not be in any relationships for a very long time and just work through your issues with an appropriate therapist. You are engaging in very self-destructive behaviour - returning to have sex with your abuser, making choices that are not in your best interest as a knee-jerk reaction to sadness, depression, and jealousy (opening the relationship that you didn’t want to open), and wanting to disclose information to your girlfriend that isn’t necessary (sleeping together with another person (your abuser no less) while you were broken up). 

I think you are, in part, addicted to the cycle of sadness and drama. Surprisingly, sadness can be addictive, even when we hate feeling that way. I also think part of your self sabotage and destruction is your gut telling you you need to not be in a relationship and need to seek professional help.

It will be hard, but you need to be by yourself to go through the therapy and healing stage. It is the kindest and hardest thing you have to do, but needs to be done all the same. Once you are in a healthy place in your life, you can reconsider reconnecting with your girlfriend.

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I think, at this point in time, you need to not be in any relationships for a very long time and just work through your issues with an appropriate therapist. You are engaging in very self-destructive behaviour - returning to have sex with your abuser, making choices that are not in your best interest as a knee-jerk reaction to sadness, depression, and jealousy

All of this. 

Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds extremely unhealthy, but more importantly? Your relationship with yourself is dysfunctional. I would break up with her and work on healing yourself, as you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with another person while you have your own pain and issues to address. 

Time to take care of yourself now, and let go of what is clearly not working and not going to work (your relationship)

[LotusBlack]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your relationship with yourself is dysfunctional I would break up with her and work on healing yourself, as you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with another person while you have your own pain and issues to address.

This, exactly. You need to rebuild your relationship with yourself first and foremost. At the very least, you will be with yourself forever, so you need to be able to love, respect, value, and care for yourself just as you would a partner.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with all the above.

It's time to take a break from all of this, and work on yourself. Therapy/self-help books/ staying away from abuser/gf/ journaling/... Also start some hobby that brings joy into your life and helps break the self-destructive cycle.