He says he is almost in love with me

[FarandAway]

Well, at least the signal is clear now. I have been getting mixed signals from my LD boyfriend. He and I have been having some serious talks. We have talked about me moving to his side of the country at the end of the year but lately he has been pressuring me to do it earlier.

 

He is 30 years old and this is his first mature relationship. He will be the first to admit that. He said this is the strongest he has ever felt about anyone. He left my part of the country almost immediately after we met. We have seen each other maybe 15 to 20 times in the last 9 months. We do very well together but the distance has put a strain on the relationship.

 

He has a hard time expressing his feelings for me sometimes but he finally said he wasn't in love with me. This floored me since he has spent thousands of dollars flying out to see me and flying me out to see him. He said he is "almost" in love with me and that he knows he would fall in love with me if I moved there. He said "haven't you noticed that I never say I love you back when you say it?" I said "um yeah, that's why I stopped" Well, don't I feel like have the word stupid written in big black letters on my forehead! At least now I know right? Isn't it better to know you have cancer than to not know what is wrong with you?? I know..weird analogy but you get my drift.

 

He has really been putting on the pressure to move there. He tries to "sell" it to me. Like "we would have so much fun being togther and doing couple things blah blah blah.. then he minimalizes my situation here. Saying, your boss treats you like crap (which he does) and then he says, you don't have a house ( I live in an apartment) and he names the few close friends that I have and says you would miss your mom but other than that you can just pick up and come here. He says that he will take care of me and that if I work I can keep my money and I wouldn't have to pay him anything.. he said you can use it to pay off your debts... ok.. that's nice.

 

I told him that he should find someone close by that he could really fall in love with. I told him that he should have a woman move in his house that he is in love with... he said, But I am close to falling in love with you and I don't want to be with anyone else!!

 

I told him I think I am going to pull back with my feelings for him.. I mean after all, I feel a bit stupid and vulnerable right now. He said if I did that then we would break up...

 

Ummm.. am I missing something here??? Why is asking someone to love you before you move accross the country too much to ask???! JEEEEZZZZ. What the hell has this guy been doing with me all this time? After these intense talks he gets really clingy for a little while..like he is afraid that I might dump him or something...

 

Thoughts please anyone??

[DN]

IMO he is only saying that to get you to move accross the country. He may feel that if he said he loves you now, you may resist going to him, perhaps feeling you may want him to move where you are. By not saying he loves you he thinks it gives him more control.

[Caldus]

He has a hard time expressing his feelings for me sometimes but he finally said he wasn't in love with me. This floored me since he has spent thousands of dollars flying out to see me and flying me out to see him. He said he is "almost" in love with me and that he knows he would fall in love with me if I moved there. He said "haven't you noticed that I never say I love you back when you say it?" I said "um yeah, that's why I stopped."

 

So wait, he said earlier that he never felt so strongly for anyone but you. And then he says that he isn't in love with you? I don't follow the logic there. I especially do not follow the logic of "I'm almost in love with you but not quite!" That sounds incredibly off. It's almost like a teacher saying to a student "you got more talent in this subject than all of my students in the past. I can almost give you an A but not quite!" So someone tell me how you can "almost be in love" with someone? You're either in love or not.

 

He has really been putting on the pressure to move there. He tries to "sell" it to me. Like "we would have so much fun being togther and doing couple things blah blah blah.. then he minimalizes my situation here. Saying, your boss treats you like crap (which he does) and then he says, you don't have a house ( I live in an apartment) and he names the few close friends that I have and says you would miss your mom but other than that you can just pick up and come here. He says that he will take care of me and that if I work I can keep my money and I wouldn't have to pay him anything.. he said you can use it to pay off your debts... ok.. that's nice.

 

I think it's really obvious what his intentions are here...

 

Ummm.. am I missing something here??? Why is asking someone to love you before you move accross the country too much to ask???! JEEEEZZZZ.

 

Because he wants consistent sex from you?

[annie24]

Ditto to what Caldus said. There are no mixed signals here. He likes you, but not enough. I'm "almost" in love with you? That's a load of crap. He wants you to move, and change your life, and quit your job, and leave your friends... Yeah - like Caldus said - he just wants a steady bed buddy for the meantime.

 

I think you've wasted enough time on him. I don't think you should move, or have much else to do with him. Good luck.

[FarandAway]

Caldus,

 

I was kinda thinking the same thing.. it's like your kinda pregnant? I think maybe he does love me but he just doesn't know what to do with himself... he really isn't experienced in this stuff...

 

What do you mean "its obvious what his intentions are here" Can you explain that?

 

Ok, he wants consistant sex from me? ok.. not to be funny but I am not THAT good! He lives 20 min away from NY city... I think he could get plenty of sex...

 

ugh.. im so confused

[annie24]

To be honest, I'm concerned about a man who has hit the age of 30 and has never been in love. I mean - we've all been in love. I'm not sure that people that haven't had a serious relationship by that age are capable of love.

 

Stop making excuses for him! It's not that hard to say, "I love you" if that's what you feel. Don't settle honey. Like you said, if he expects you to move accross the country, the very least he could do is say those 3 little words.

[Caldus]

What do you mean "its obvious what his intentions are here" Can you explain that?

 

He's maximizing the number of advantages of moving to his side of the country and minimizing the number of advantages of staying at your side of the country. What does that tell you?

 

Ok, he wants consistant sex from me? ok.. not to be funny but I am not THAT good! He lives 20 min away from NY city... I think he could get plenty of sex...

 

And you never know, he could be getting sex all the time there and hides that from you.

[pchellak]

To be honest, I'm concerned about a man who has hit the age of 30 and has never been in love. I mean - we've all been in love. I'm not sure that people that haven't had a serious relationship by that age are capable of love.

 

That is pretty harsh ... Your post leaves no hope for the unfortunate guy who is still hoping for love.

[annie24]

Yes - I realize that sounds harsh. Even if it is just a crush, I think that all emotionally healthy people fall in love at some point. If they don't, it seems to me like they have some wall built around themselves, and they may not trust others or want to make themselves vulnerable.