I love my same-sex best friend more than anyone and it's mutual, but no sexual attraction involved

[AvoKeiji]

I started writing this as a reply to super old thread (link) but it said I should start a new topic. The story in the link is very similar to mine. Yet a bit different.

I am about to tell you about relationship with my best friend that I love more than I can bear. I don't know. She is a straight girl and I was also always attracted to men, yet a bit less since I am somewhere on the asexual spectre. I don't know how to call her since "best friend" doesn't sound right, it's more like we're soulmates or whatever. I don't think there's a word for how we feel, that is. We're the most important people for each other yet we're definitely not lesbians. Not even bi. We do like touching each other yet there's a boundry when it never gets sexual. We hug and we casually touch but that's like it. But the feelings go deeper. Way way deeper.

(I don't know if this is important information, but she's single and unable to find boyfriend for about 4 years by now, since she doesn't like anyone enough even though she's trying hard, she just compares them to me. I was in 7 year long relationship that ended recently, there was other issues and different story but I am not even that sad because somehow I know I have her. And yeah, I can hear how crazy this paragraph sounds.)

The thing with me and my "best friend" (as if these words could describe the bond I have with this person...) is something super special. We never have enough of each other and we love each other unconditionally and openly (and not sexually). A day without texting each other feels weird, even though I don't quite get how come that after all this time we never run out of things to talk about. We also bring out the independent and lively personas of each other whenever we're together. Or even whenever we text. We very often finish each other's thought even before something essential is said, later on wondering why do we even talk when we just can keep reading each other's mind.

I didn't just recently met her. We've known each other for 15 years already. Since we we're about 11-years-old kids and we started being best friends the second we met. There were ups and downs over the years, we even had this one fight when we stopped talking to each other for a whole year, but "fate" brought us back together (when we applied for high schools, while not being friends at that time, somehow it happened that our high schools ended up to be next to each other so we were meeting every morning on the bus while going there... by this we started slowly reviving our friendship). This gap made our friendship stronger (by not taking the other for granted).

It was around when we were 17 when I realized I loved her. But in a weird way I wasn't able to describe. I didn't want to date her... I just wanted her to be the happiest as she could ever be, no matter what would that mean for me. At that time I would sacrifice my life just for her to be happy. She got a boyfriend and I was not jealous of him but I was pretty angry by the way he treated her. He didn't deserve her yet she was head over heels with him, blind to his bad qualities. But I didn't interfere for I knew that I don't love her that way, yet I knew I loved her even more. Hard to describe, you know. There was nothing sexual to it yet I wanted to have her for myself. That felt pretty selfish of me. I was scared by this feeling and kept this to myself, trying to figure it out, even though I've never kept anything from her until that time, that was my first secret. But there she went - one day she said she loves me. I was moved to tears. Yet I found myself shamefully thinking "but you don't love me as much as you love him." I said that out loud because we were always pretty open about our feelings and she replied "I love you more than anyone in this world."

That's when I knew that our special bond is mutual and for a while it was enough. But then it went on hard to bear. I was always thinking about her and wanting to spend every second with her (even though I'm quite the shut-down introvert) and this love felt so heavy. I managed to stop it, though. By finding a boyfriend, too. And while I was enjoying this new ("healthy") relationship, we grew a bit apart with this best friend of mine. We didn't have as much time to hang out as we used to, we still did, like once in a two or three months, but it was so different from our life that we lived always together until now. It went on like this for few years and sometimes, she got emotional and told me how sad she is that we're not like we used to be. We always talked about it and decided that it's just that we just aren't kids anymore. We decided that we're just being nostalgic.

Then she broke up with her boyfriend after few years and suddenly happened to have no close person around. I had a "new life" where we didn't hang out as much and she felt pretty lonely. She tried finding a new boyfriend or new friends, she definitely was trying hard, but never managed to build a deeper connection with anyone again. At some point I started seeing her pretty often again. I don't remember what was the impulse or what but we we're hanging out again. Not everyday like we used to since that's not possible while working and having a relationship (me) but twice a month suddenly felt often enough, while we also started texting everyday. Our connection came to life once again and it felt like it was never gone. Soon enough we found ourselves loving each other again. I realized that the feelings for her I had 7 years ago are back. And probably even stronger. Or that they never went away, Idk. There wasn't any issue with jealousy though, we always felt happy for the other whenever hanging out with other friends. But that was probably because we knew each other too well and known pretty well that being with other friends is nothing like when we're together, me and her. She didn't get along with any other friend as she did with me and that's why she didn't enjoy it as much. It was similar with me, too. Our friendship was just different. It always was different. It was even different than being with our boyfriends... it was just too special and undescribable. And way more precious. We always discussed that it probably isn't right that we feel this way. But we couldn't help it. And in a way, we loved it.

So, to finish this story that is longer than I had planned, lately we discuss our bond a lot. That's also why I went on and started googling if there are such cases of relationship stronger than friendship but with no sexual attraction involved. Then decided to share our story. Lately, I started spending the nights at her place (since she lives alone and I still lived with my boyfriend... now ex-bf) and we did snuggle at night, we love hugging each other and often find ourselves just casually leaning on each other, usually not even realising. Yet that's it for both of us - she's perfectly straight and I am, well, greysexual. But we both always been attracted to men only and I even tried imagining doing things with girls (after doubting myself after realising these feeling I have for her), yet I don't like that. But even though I don't want to touch girls, I love touching her. I can even imagine kissing her. But that's the boundry. And when I'm at it, I think her boundry is even higher - just at the point of hugging and other casual touching. I don't think she would be comfortable with kissing me. But I don't know, that is something we somehow didn't talk about yet. The feelings and emotions are pretty strong though and I know that is mutual. She even told me last time when drunk, "I don't think you realize how much I love you," and I replied with a cynical laugh and "I don't think you realize, I think I love you way more than you could ever love me," and that's our little game where we always get all emotional and touched and we both really love these moments, even though while being sober we both are personalities more closed up about feelings generally. 

What I wanted to share by all this, I wanted to say that this is getting out of hand. I keep thinking about her randomly throughout the day, I keep writing her every little thing that happens to me and I keep randomly visiting her just to have a little chat for a bit. She does the same. I think I love her. I mean, I think I love more than I could ever love anyone again in this life and that is making me crazy. I don't ever want to lose her. But she's perfectly straight and that's what scares me. That one day, when she manages to find boyfriend again, the history will repeat. I don't want to lose her ever again. And while I am almost asexual and I can imagine being with her only for the rest of my life, I think that is pretty selfish of me and that she wouldn't want that and/or that it wouldn't be enough for her. I don't want to keep her from being happy so I am encouraging her in finding boyfriend... yet I don't want that. And I do talk about it with her, share my feelings (because what I learnt from what I lacked in the last 7 years long relationship - communication is the most important thing) and she ensures me that noone can ever replace me. At that point, she even told me: "I hate you, you know. I can't find boyfriend because of the connection I have with you - I keep seeking that in them yet I know I can never find this with anyone else." And I feel bad for how such statements make me happy. 

I just don't know where to go on from here on. What is the right path to take. I know I love her. I know she loves me. But we both lack the sexual aspect of it, and she does like getting sexual with guys. (While I don't really need it.) And it's making both of us pretty confused of what our relationship is. And what to do about it next...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like you are on the rebound from your last relationship.

What was the breakup about? How long ago did you break up?

Your friend has a BF and is straight. Furthermore, you're friends and do not engage in sexuality.

It seems like you are leaning on her too much in order to deal with your breakup.

So there's a few things going on. Your recent breakup, your confusion about sexuality and your dependence on this friend.

All of this, particularly the sexuality confusion would be a good thing to expore in therapy. As well as sort and unpack some feelings from your breakup.

The reason is that you could lose a good friend if you cross boundaries.

 

 

 

[AvoKeiji]

Thank you very much for reading my post and going through the trouble of replying.

Honestly, I don't think my break up is that essential to this. Yes, I acknowledge that my emotions might feel stronger due to that but really, these feelings I have for her are going waay back before the break up happened. The break up is quite fresh, yeah. Not even a week ago. But I was probably over this relationship for quite some time since it's not hitting me that hard. Or it's too fresh and I am still living with him so it might hit me later on when I move out. Or not. We'll see. The truth is that I am not depressed about it - actually, I might feel quite relieved that it finally happened. The reason for it was a long term lack of communication. I don't know if it's important to go to the details, we just shared different plans about the future and never really talked about it. One of the things is that I never planned to have kids and he did, I told him this about me way back when we started going out but in the present he told me he hoped that part about me would change with time. It didn't. And there's more to that, yet that has nothing to do with my best friend. She was not involved in all this.

I think there might be a misunderstanding - my friend doesn't have a boyfriend. She's single for about 4 years. She used to have BF before that though. She tried dating many times since but never managed to get in deeper relationship with any of them. She always grows annoyed with them. And they weren't even always bad guys, she just finds it repulsing when they get too close or too nice and considerate. I know how weird it sounds, she's aware of that too. But she's got similar issue with friends either. I am the only exception.

You're right about the part that I am struggling with my sexuality. I am seeing a psychologist though, for quite the time. I talked with her about everything and she encourages me that due to what I told her throughout all the years, I made the right decision about the break up. That is also part of why I am not devastated by it, she keeps pointing out and reminding me the reasonable parts about it. But I never talked with her about my feelings for my best friend... I was not ready to tell anyone. And I also don't believe anyone would understand this bond we have.

Another thing I didn't mention is that I am about to move to my best friend's place. I have nowhere else to go due financial reasons and splitting the bill would help a lot not just me, but for her too. She insists I move to her place. It was our childhood dream, too. I don't know how good idea it is but I keep thinking that this step might show the true nature of our friend/relationship. We might realise we're not that compatible as we think by living day by day together, or we might realise we're screwed up and not able to move on anymore at all. Idk.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AvoKeiji said:

You're right about the part that I am struggling with my sexuality. I am seeing a psychologist though, for quite the time. I talked with her about everything and she encourages me that due to what I told her throughout all the years, I made the right decision about the break up. I never talked with her about my feelings for my best friend...

That would be a good topic to discuss, particularly the plans to move in with her.