16 Years older, 5 Kids by different women. Help!

[Green Eyes]

Need advice.

 

Im a 25 year old female with no children. I meet this really nice man and he tole me he was 35 and had two kids. I later found out that he is 41 with 5 kids all by different women, to make matters worse his eldest daugther is 20 and his youngest is just a year old.

He told me he lied about his age and situation because he knew I would run a mile and he wanted me to get to know him for him and not judge him by his situation, he was right because by the time i found out the truth I was to deep in the relationship to just walk away. But I don't know if I can handle it all, he pays for all his kids but does not have much contact with them and at times its easy to push it to the back of my mind and forget all about it............... Then something will happen and all my fears will be back.

I worry that when his youbger children get older and want more contact with there father I wont be able to handle it. His youngest was the only planned one and his mother left and took there son with her, he was and still is upset by this not about losing her but losing his son, so I know one day soon when he is ready he will fight to see his son.

He seems so in love with me and talks about the connection we have and how all he ever wants is to settle down and have a family.

Im scared because this is all I have wanted but as much as I like him (Im fighting not to fall in love) I have always said I would never get involved with a man with kids and to be honest would laugh at women who got involved with older me and now her iam in that situation.

I know you can't help who you fall in love with and eveything else in our relationship is perfect but his age and kids is a real concern of mine.

Why did he get all these women pregnant? Why is he not married at 41? Is there something wrong with him? He tells me all the women had the children to try and keep him and that he has never been married because he has never meet the right person, till now................ ME!

Does it all sound a bit strange, what should I do?

Any advice would be great. Thanks. x

[shes2smart]

He started off your relationship LYING to you. Do you really think that the only thing he's lied about? Do you think he's magically stopped lying since then?

 

The age lie alone would be enough to get me to say goodbye. And his reasoning for lying about it is horrible...purely selfish...and showed no respect for you whatsoever. He says he wants to be judged by "who he is" and not his "situation." Did it ever occur to either of you that "who he is" is a guy who made the decisions that put him in his "situation"? Because that's the truth of it.

 

Five children by different women....honey, after the first one or two most people figure out how that happens. A responsible man (or woman) knows how to prevent that from happening. There's more to being a father than footing the bill for the little darlings.

 

This guy is bad news. I bet if you talked to the babies mamas, they'd probably say he said the same things to them about wanting to raise a family and all. If it was just ONE woman he claimed got pregnant to try to "catch" him, ok...maybe. But FIVE? Please. If he was a stand-up guy, after the first one got knocked up, he'd be wearing a condom 24/7.

 

If you decide to continue this relationship, don't be surprised if you become baby (single) mama #6.

 

What should you do? Dump him. Now.

[hearo97]

I agree with everything shes2smart said. The guy started by lying to you and it's not just a little "this IS my natural haircolour" lie. It's a huge lie that goes to the root of his character.

 

5 children, 5 different women and only 41 years old? 20 years between the oldest and youngest.... That's not saying much for the sort of man heis. Even if he never has another child... it will be another 18 years before he legally completes his financial responsibilities (and that's not saying anything of his moral responsibilities).

 

Run away, quickly. There's nothing here for you.... no sort of future. It might hurt immediately but its going to prevent a lot of pain in the future.

[cleverme123]

Okay listen up. Here I am in a relationship with someone 11 years older than me he has two daughters from a first marriage, 1 son that is with him from the second and we have a baby together. The oldest two were taken to FL by their mom so I don't have to deal with thtat regularly, my husband has played with his ex wife on the side in the past (before me) so I am more than a little skeptical when it comes to seeing any of them. I am 26 his oldest 14 that is weird for me and especially when the thought of being alone watching them comes up, I am so not willing to do it. Talk to the ex girlfriends find out the deal. There is little or no contact between my husband and the girls. Now I have to deal with the first ex wife, the second ex wife because her son lives with us.

 

It is so incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with kids and exs and everything else. It can work but you have to make sure your dicipline is ok with him and the ex's and be prepared to have your man cut up by other women, who will tell you lies and manipulate you to get you to leave him. Trust me I know this from experience. You have to decide what it is you want. I would question the idea why he lied to you in the first place, there is a lot more drama behind the situation than what it seems. If you love him you can make it work, but find out what skeletons are hiding in the closets!

[RayKay]

He tells me all the women had the children to try and keep him and that he has never been married because he has never meet the right person, till now................ ME!

 

I bet you he said the exact same thing to those other women, and for all you know maybe even convinced them to have the children. I mean come on, can he really be THAT wonderful that five women would take that risk to have a child to keep him? He lied to you when you first met him, and I bet dollars to donuts he is doing the same thing now.

 

Walk away from this guy now...he is BAD news. At 41, with 5 children by 5 different woman, he has more that commitment fears, he is selfish, inconsiderate and just plain immature to keep bringing children into the world and leaving them. Sorry, but he is just as responsible in bringing them in as the mother would of been - has he not heard of condoms. If you stay, you will end up alone with the 6th child as he goes on to father number 7 with someone else...even if it was the mothers who left him, well obviously they had some good reasons.

 

Don't get yourself deeper into a situation like this, you have a choice to protect yourself, your goals, your life right now. He is NOT healthy.

[RunningOnEmpty]

I'm a guy and I can't fathom telling lies like that!

 

Look relationships should be built on a foundation of trust, he broke your trust right out of the gate.

 

5 children/5 women is a pattern of behavior. I would strongly suggest you dump him before you become #6.

[Luciana]

Run!

[Green Eyes]

OK Not looking good but thanks to you all for your response, please keep the advice coming I think I need this to get my strengh back and see things how they are. I think he has over powed me a lot into thinking his way, I thought I was such a strong person!!! He is very good with words and twist's things to make him seem like the poor soul in all this. I think he is trying to infulence me and control me but in a very clever way, he is quite well off and promising me all the best things in life. Please keep your views coming. (Im so pleased I found this web site)

[shes2smart]

He is very good with words and twist's things to make him seem like the poor soul in all this. I think he is trying to infulence me and control me but in a very clever way, he is quite well off and promising me all the best things in life.

 

Speaking from first hand experience...don't get "blinded by the bling."

 

Several years ago, I was swept off my feet by a very well-off guy who was 18 yrs. my senior...also a very smooth talker (he's in sales as a profession). Twice-divorced, children from each marriage, including a developmentally disabled adult child who lived with him. Over the course of the next 24 months I learned the hard way that all the money and nice things and travel in the world will not make up for someone you simply cannot trust. Turned out he was lying all along and was a cheater to boot...I fell for it all and basically wound up taking care of his developmentally disabled adult child while he was off on business trips. Oh, I'm sure part of those trips really were work-related, but I later found out there was other "business" going on. It would've been cheaper for him to just hire a nanny, because that's what I ended up being toward the end...the Naggin' Nanny...and I have no one but myself to blame for it.

 

You've got the chance to learn from someone else's mistake, here. You're still young, and the fact that he's well-off can seem like it's some sort of guarantee that life with him will be easy. If he's not a good person (honest, considerate, trustworthy, respectful...all those good boy scout traits), no amount of money in the world will compensate you for the lack of those things.

 

I left the well-off old guy after 2 years, the sadder but wiser rabbit. It was one of the most brutal, difficult and nasty break-ups I've ever endured. When it became clear I was set on leaving, he started to insinuate that I'd never make it on my own financially without him...and I actually started worrying about it, until an old friend of mine reminded me that I had been managing just fine financially for YEARS before I met him. It's funny how some people have the knack to twist things around and get you believing whatever they want you to believe. Thank God I've managed to surround myself with a few long-term friends who were able to talk me back from the edge and remind me the truth about myself, otherwise I might've stayed in that relationship longer.

 

A few months after I left the old rich guy, I met the man I'd end up marrying. Because of the experience I had, I was able to see him for who he was -- the IMPORTANT stuff -- and not get caught up in the surface trappings. So now I'm married to a guy 11 years younger than me who treats me like I'm the center of his world, who respects me, and who doesn't lie to me. This is worth more than the 6 figure income and all the "stuff" my older ex had.

[RandomAdvisor]

This guy is a total dog. Leave him!

 

Relationships are built on trust. Yours started with a lie. You'd be a fool to trust him. You're 25 years old. Can you really picture yourself marrying this man, having his children, and living happily ever after? You think he'll never lie to you again? Never cheat on you? They may be hard, but you know the answers.

 

He seems so in love with me and talks about the connection we have and how all he ever wants is to settle down and have a family.

 

And I'll bet good money he told the exact same thing to the mothers of all his other children, going all the way back to when he was 21 years old!

 

Why did he get all these women pregnant?

 

Because he is completely irresponsible, and an idiot to boot! One of the informal definitions of insanity is doing the same thing more than once, and expecting a different result. This man obviously doesn't know how to properly use birth control. You'd think after the first unplanned pregnancy he would have learned his lesson. He didn't. The second? Nope. And so on and so forth, all the way to the fifth. This also shows his lack of respect and care for his own children! None of these kids are getting the love, attention and care they should be getting. It's spread out way too much. And he wants to commit to you and have even more children?

 

Why is he not married at 41?

 

Because all the other women found out the hard way - he's a total dog! You should learn from their mistake, run while you still can! You're too young to be wasting your time with a loser like this.

 

Is there something wrong with him?

 

Absolutely. What exactly, I cannot say. But it is easy to say he's bad news. You don't need him.

 

How did you find out about his other children and his true age? I bet he didn't tell you. Do you think you'd know by now if you had to hear it from him? I bet not.

[Green Eyes]

Your right I never found out from him. It was someone he worked with who said to me " Doesn't he look good for his age" and me thinking he was 35 and looked about 35 said "well how old is he?" and the reply was "41"

When I questioned him about this he was angery and got stroppy, so I left. (and should not of gone back!!!!) but did and it was then he told me about all his kids. Should of got out then, but instead Ive let it go this far.........................

[shes2smart]

It's usually not easy to do the right thing....otherwise more people would do the right thing more often.

[Green Eyes]

Thanks for your advice Shes2smart it is much appreciated. x

[SilverManic]

If he really wanted you to know him for him he wouldn't have lied. You've got some great advice so far. My boyfriend is 11 years older than me and I've been with him for 4 months. I've been friends with him for 2 years. I've never had a problem with it because he doesn't lie to me.

 

If he's lied once he can do it again. Don't let him walk all over you!

[BrokenSerenity]

Ive heard of people lying and then not doing so again, thus learning from their mistakes... But this guy loves lying!

Come on, he got ANGRY when you confronted him about the truth, does this not show you that he ENJOYS his games and liked the fact that he was getting away with his lies?!

Sleezy men like that like telling people what they want to hear. He has obviously told you what you wanted to hear and that has got you caught in some sort of trance... Well snap out of it, cause at the end of the day, its not going to be all fun and games, it's not going to be all lovey dovey. You WILL end up getting hurt if you carry on with this and you WILL regret wasting your time and energy on someone that really doesn't deserve it!