Trust Issues after Breakup

[Conf79]

Ok this is a long sorted story...so awhile ago my boyfriend of 12 years started to become distant.  Relationships go through that understandable, he was about to turn 39 and a coworker's fiance had just passed and he attended the viewing which he doesn't do well with at all and after that became more secluded from our relationship.  I kept asking him what was wrong he just kept saying he needed time to sort himself out.  Underneath I knew it was something more than what he was telling me.  He kept talking about his friend Jess at work, and was sometimes an hour late coming home from work, which is only 10minutes from our house.  I finally asked him if he had feelings for her, which he replied that he "liked" her.  I never thought that it was to the extent in which it was, that is when I started questioning even more.

I remember I was cooking dinner and he came in crying his eyes out and I just kept asking what was wrong? He finally told me he wasn't sure about us, that he loved me but wasn't in love with me and that actually I was a rebound relationship that he should have ended years ago.  I was in shock at first, this man felt this way for years and didn't tell me?  I lasted a day after that and left him.  He was very distraught at the fact that I was leaving, cried the entire time I was packing my things.  There is also another component to this story,  I have a 14 year old son, he was in his life since the age of 2.  My son who has adhd and is on the autsim spectrum showed no emotion until weeks later. To say the least this was heartbreaking not only for me but for my son who had no father at this point and was questioning everything.  I felt as though my bf was going through a midlife crisis at this point, all of his behavior was very telling of this and the fact that he had major losses in his life that were never adressed.

However, after I left I was concerned that he would harm himself and knowing that there had to be more to the story I set up cameras in our house. After I left I monitored them when I knew he was at home.  He would talk to family and friends hours on end about Jess about how she sucked him off in the parking lot after work one day and he fingered her as well.  At this point he was almost obsessed with her (she is 38 with 2 kids from a previous relationship and was in a current relationship as well).  He would tell everyone but me about her.  Bragged to family that he was finally free and had an apartment to call his own.  He also dropped a ton of weight because he wasn't eating, and was having mood swings especailly if she was busy with one of her jobs (she has 2).  I remember being at the apartment gathering my things and he said he had to go into the office on a Saturday, later did I find out that he went shopping with her and came back while I was still at apartment and didn't mention her at all.  In conversations that I would hear through the cameras he would tell his family how she was going to leave her current bf and that she was badgering him on when my things would be gone from apartment, when not on the phone talking about her he would sit and wallow in his own pity and talk to himself saying he lost the best thing he ever had, and listen to youtube videos on how to get your ex back.

At this point I was ready to ghost.  I told him that and it seemed to really upset him.  His frame of mind was very unstable and I told him to get help which he tried to do, however due to the virus it was impossible to get an appointment.  All the while I learned how she had manipulated him into doing things in the parking lot and wouldn't leave him alone at work.  I know that he was no innocent party in all of this but I almost wonder if he didn't confide his feelings of loss and she just ran with it.  It was later that I found out through one of the camera recordings that he was in love with her, and said how stupid it was.  Later he told a family member that he was ready to tell her that but she didn't feel the same way and basically told him she wasn't leaving her life for him.  Wow what a blow that was. On top of that I got a positive pregnancy test however it was due to an ovarian cyst, but I did tell him it was a possiblility since we were trying to conceive, I started bleeding not long after I told him that it didn't take, right away he told her and she said "GOOD".  He doesn't know I know that either...  To say the least he kinda snapped out of it.  It was awhile before I talked to him, we cried he told me small details of what happened. He actually took me to a work function and she was there, they have no idea that I know what I do.

Needless to say she didn't speak to me, although he insists they are friends. When I finally saw her I was in shock, I'll just leave it at that.  However after she saw me she started to try and look like me at work, according to him...weird.   So time has passed we have reconciled and I have moved back home.  Annnnd that's where I'm at, I have days where I find that I'm getting paranoid and worried about things, he's still at that same job and she is there as far as I know.  I've asked him not to mention her name to me or bring up any of his coworkers as they all hate me for some reason and I have yet to have any converstaion with them at all.  I'm trying hard to trust but wondering if I made the right decision.  He has shown nothing but love since we've started talking, he apoligizes constantly and has really been there for me and my son.  We are where we are supposed to be as far as a relationship is concerned, but there is that lingering feeling that I have and I don't bring it up because I know it will cause conflict.  I told him if it were me that had done this he would feel the same way and he understands that.  I just wish he would find another job, God knows what she's saying out of my presence.  So my question is do I say anything at all about what I heard or know? Or just let it go and move on with life?

[smackie9]

Your focus shouldn't be on this girl, you need to focus on, "What went wrong?" and "How are we going to fix this?"

You two need to go deeper, and discuss the underlying issues in your relationship. You two may not see them right away or really know, but with discussions (many) they will come to the surface. Ignoring it all, will make this stuff happen all over again and things will fall apart. I know many who have gotten past the infidelity and worked through their problems TOGETHER. Me personally doesn't think you need counseling at this time. Try talking it out first. Just tell him, that apologies isn't going the make this go away, that there is work to be done to repair this relationship through communication, and he has to agree you both need to be honest with each other.

That's usually all it takes....learning to communicate on a regular basis. Start with talking about feelings, issues, expectations, compromise, and boundaries.

[Spawn]

I don't think you will ever be able to trust him cause he doesn't understand boundaries. If you still want to save this relationship he will need lot of therapy and understand whats personal boundaries with work colleagues friends family, what he can or cannot share with others. He can very well continue doing it. Being a couple, having kids and spending time with each other its all so special, don't believe he is mature enough to have that sense of responsibility or respect towards you.

 

 

[boltnrun]

This all must be so confusing and upsetting to your son.

How can you possibly expect to have a successful relationship based on lies and concealing things from one another? Do you intend to pretend everything is fine just to try to keep him?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's hard to trust after infidelity. You dodged a bullet. The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people on all your social media and messaging apps. Try not to scan or keep tabs, it just reopens wounds. Take care and best of luck.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Spawn said:

I don't think you will ever be able to trust him cause he doesn't understand boundaries. If you still want to save this relationship he will need lot of therapy and understand whats personal boundaries with work colleagues friends family, what he can or cannot share with others. He can very well continue doing it. Being a couple, having kids and spending time with each other its all so special, don't believe he is mature enough to have that sense of responsibility or respect towards you.

 

 

Of course he understands boundaries. He just chooses not to behave appropriately because that would require effort he doesn't feel like putting in to this relationship.  I think the OP isn't observing appropriate boundaries, having monitored him, somehow accusing this woman of "manipulating" a grown man who felt like hooking up, apparently, and then taking someone back she doesn't trust while having him be around her son.  Neither of you are behaving in a way that is healthy for a stable relationship and subjecting your son to this makes it worse IMHO.  I'd move on and find a person you trust/build trust for and the bonus will be you'll save so much time and $ on monitoring/monitoring devices!  Seriously -this should have ended a long time ag.