Any men/women in here forgave cheating and got over it?

[itry]

Any advice how to..? It's been about 7 months since i found out.. the moron didnt confess.. the other girl called...

 

after drama.. we decided to work things out.. he expressed remorse.. i know that the relationship at that point was downhill.. im still having trouble understanding... whatever the case is.. we're not married.. we plan to be..

 

but now.. everythings so confusing. at first, i was forgiving and accepting etc. etc. now.. since he has brought up marraige.. i feel like im a crazier than normal. i blow up at everything having to do with the person he cheated on me with.... (her being his sons mother doesnt help either..)

 

look.. cheating hurt.. if he had just told me he was seeing someone else.. yes it would have broke my heart.. but finding out from someone else and realizing the person u were loving and the person who had been looking u in the eye the whole time..was a damn liar... that did more to my heart than hurt it.. it destroyed it.. and now im slowly...painfully.. putting it back together...

 

i accepted it.. i took a deep breath and im willing to work on it.

 

 

how do i stop from going crazy? i question him all the time... everytime her name is mentioned.. for any little thing... i have all these flashbacks then say some nasty things.. which cause us to fight...

 

i cry alot by myself because i dont want him (or anyone) to see how much of a weakling i am... i have this "have to be strong" image that i want to maintain in order to keep sanity...

 

we'll be ok for about a week.. or maybe a couple of days.. then ill blow up. does it ever end...?

 

he's been trying.. showing regret, remorse.. expressing how much he made a mistake.. he loves me..etc. etc.

 

it stil hurts.. every day it still hurts..

 

how much longer?

[shorty20]

this is a horrible situation for you. I think that before you even think about getting married you need to forgive him. If it's not possible then marriage would be a bad idea, because there would be no trust. I have forgiven a guy that cheated on me in the past, but it was a one night thing, and they didn't sleep together to my knowledge. I did, however, find out from his best friend, NOT him, and that hurt immensly. I did forgive him, but it was easier in my situation, because there was no ties to keep them together. They worked together, but he never spoke with her again. I would come up to his work at times, and he would hug me and kiss me right in front of her, so I knew he wasn't playing games. The thing is, since he has a kid with her he IS going to be in contact with her for probably the rest of his life, and if you can't put the past in the past I COMPLETLEY understand. Cheating is a horrible feeling, and is soo hard to forgive even if it was only one time, so I can't even imagine how you feel. I can understand cheating if it's a one time thing... in my situation we were going through some rough times and fighting alot... i understood how it happened because if i were given the opportunity to cheat at that time I probably would have too... but ultimatly it brought us closer because it scared him when he thought he might lose me and set him streight... I think you need to seriously think about this... can you find it in your heart to forgive him and trust him again? More importantly can you handle the fact that he is going to keep talking to his ex because they have a kid together?? If not then I think that it's best you cut your losses and keep the good memories but move on, because without trust in a relationship you have nothing. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Good luck hun!

[LuvstuffNStuff]

I went thru the drama of a boyfriend that cheated, I might of been able to forgive, but I was never able to forget. It was driving me insane, and making me a person I never have been and thats someone who was jealous and insecure. I was not thrilled that I was becoming the person I was, cuz never in my life have I been know to be like that, and I had to get rid of it. SO the only way for that to happen was to end the relationship, and it was hurtful and hard at first, but now I would not trade the way I have been feeling these days, for what I had with him.

This is a woman that will forever be apart of your mans life, they have a kid together and thats a door that will be open until the child is 18. You either learn to accept it and stop tormenting yourself and fighting, or you just need to gather the strength and end things.

[pixie102]

My ex cheated on me. He confessed to me though. I forgave him because I loved him. If you truly forgive someone, it won't hurt anymore. You won't forget it, but it doesn't hurt you anymore. It's not an easy thing to do, but if the relationship is worth it and he is truly, genuinely sorry for it, then you can work on it. If the incident is repeated, then he is not sorry and he needs to be given the boot.

 

It takes time to heal. I know how much it must hurt for her to still be in his life. But she always will be if she's the mother of his son. So, if that is not something you will ever be able to accept...then maybe you should work on being able to deal with that before you ever even think about marrying him.

 

Love is never easy. I don't recommend anyone getting back together with a cheater unless there is love and he is genuinely sorry and you can forgive him. But if he has so little disregard for the relationship that he can do it again, then it's not worth the effort or the hurt.

 

Only you can make you happy.

 

I hope this helps...

[someguy69]

If you want it to work, these are the key elements:

 

1) Time. It's going to take time, so you have to be patient with yourself.

 

2) Acceptance. Hiding your feelings away will only result in them coming back to haunt you later, or in some other form (i.e. stress related illnesses). You have to accept what happened, and consciously choose to lower the importance of what happened in relation to other parts of your relationship.

 

3) True forgiveness. You may say that you've forgiven him, but have you really? You have to make a conscious effort to remind yourself that you have forgiven him, to let it go, and to move on.

 

I suggest you try some positive affimation techniques, or NLP. All you have to do is tell yourself what you want to accomplish.

[Hope75]

Getting over an affair is a very difficult thing to do. First of all your guy didn't confess to you, the other woman called and he got caught, and that's the only reason you know. It isn't like he made a mistake, stopped the affair, and confessed to you and was truly remorseful. As someone else on this forum posted before about a cheater who got caught, he's not sorry he cheated, he's sorry he got caught.

 

Personally, I would dump this guy if I were you, I wouldn't be able to trust him.

 

But since that isn't what you asked,

 

There is only one way to get over an affair and try to work it out.

 

You need to let this go completely. You need to forgive what he's done and not continue to bring it up. You have to accept what happened and be willing to let it go and trust him. You can't interrogate him, or throw the affair in his face when you get angry. If the relationship is to survive, you truly have to forgive.

 

If you can't (and I think there is good reason here why you can't) then you need to let him go.

[itry]

thank u everyone...i am trying...

 

i chose to forgive.. and now i cant be half-assed about it.

 

 

everyone was pretty helpful

 

i know what he did was wrong.. hurtful and probably deserves me leaving....but ultimatley it IS my choice...

 

 

first time.. shame on him... second time...shame on me

 

here's to my deep breath..

[DragonGirl724]

itry,

 

dont put up with anything you dont want to put up with. trust is the foundation of any relationship. and when that crumbles its only a matter of time before everything callapses.....

 

he didnt even confess!!...if he felt remorse he would have came to you in tears begging for your forgiveness....NOT WHEN YOU FOUND OUT!!! those were crocodile tears hun.

 

he'll do this to you again (despite whatever he says)....and next time you may or may not find out about it. if she didnt call, you wouldnt have ever known he was betraying your trust...& thereforeeee he would have continued w/o a second thought. oh, but NOW that you found out, hes all of a sudden a 'changed man'...oh please, i think NOT! so think that over before taking him back!

 

I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR CHEATERS! i wouldnt ever forgive him. screw that you can do better than a 'cheater'.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

oh & id get tested for STD's if i were you...b/c by him cheating on you he is risking YOUR HEALTH aside from risking your trust.

 

 

ASK YOURSELF:

 

DO YOU DESERVE A LOYAL TRUSTING BF?

 

AND WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE CONTRACTED AN STD FROM THIS GIRL & GAVE IT TO YOU OR IF HE GOT HER PREGNANT?

 

WOULD YOU FORGIVE HIM THEN? b/c those risks were very much present. youre just LUCKY if neither happened.

 

the thought of my man sharing our intimate moments with some RANDOM GIRL would make me vomit.

 

....HE'S NOT WORTH IT IF YOU ASK ME.

 

-DG724

[karime2thestars]

Here is just something for you to think about. I am someone who was on the other side of the fence. I was with a man who was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I didn't know until we had been in the relationship for awhile, and I fell deeply in love with him. Things weren't matching up and eventually he told me. He explained their relationship as a "business relationship" and I wound up sticking it out with him for about 8 months until I found out I wasn't the only one he was cheating with. I confronted the one he was cheating on me with, got mad, and I picked up the phone told his live-in the whole thing. She was clueless even though he had spent numerous whole nights with me and we would be together until like 4am when we were together. I still love this man and love doesn't just go away, cheating or not cheating. He has still been intimate with me since I blew his cover and despite the fact he and his live-in have made up. I don't know how to break away because I care deeply for him. It is very hard. I was pregnant too and I terminated the pregnancy, against my beliefs, but knowing things have to come to an end with this man. Yours now has the opportunity and excuse to be with and spend time with the woman he cheated with because they have a common tie that bonds them and you are fully aware of that tie so he has an excuse. I know if I had decided to continue with the pregnancy, I would always have him there, even if only when we could steal time together. Your boyfriend has devastated you and broken one of the core bonds of a relationship which is trust. Do you think you will be able to rebuild trust in a man who has to continue a relationship with a woman whom he has had an affair with and who now raises his child. They will forever share a bond and common love for their child. I will tell you from the other side of the fence, you absolutely don't deserve what has happened, it had absolutely nothing to do with you, and not only did he cheat on you, he has a child with another woman who will forever be in your life and who will forever share a bond with him that you cannot break and over which you have no control. If you are willing to accept that, good luck.

[whitecupvictim]

I can't give advice here because I stayed with a cheating spouse for 30 years. There were many physical affairs, the last one I know about was 10 years ago. Her husband called me in the middle of the night and said that his wife was in a motel room with my husband, etc. etc. All I can say is that "once a cheater, always a cheater" - much like a child molester. They can't give up the thrill. They will always show the sames signs of cheating, however, so be on the lookout for them. And don't think that when they get older they outgrow it. . . they don't. Then, at 50, you realize that you've wasted your whole life on a worthless piece of s***. If the anger doesn't kill you the humiliation will.

but, some of us learn the hard way!

[Falucchi]

I believe that cheating is a deal breaker.

Cheat on me and it's 1000% OVER

Forever.

No excuses, no crying, no begging, no second changes.

Cheating and betraying my love and trust is unforgivable

 

Why be with a cheating liar when there are so many other loving, loyal, moral, faithful people out there? Besides, with AIDS and other STD's- who needs the risk-factor? Like I need herpes? Like I need genital warts? Nope.

 

On that note-- the cheater is pretty hostile if he's endangering your health by sticking it in other women, then coming home to do you too--- that's such a HUGE health risk. Lying, cheating AND risking MY health? No way. I could never "love" someone who put me at that kind of a risk.

[whitecupvictim]

Don't ever change your philosphy. You are right on! When I found out recently about this latest "cheating", my eyes were finally opened like yours are. When "she" told me that she loved MY HUSBAND's company, I knew then that I never would be able to stand him ever again. As for others out there who will love me, I will never trust another man as long as I live. Hope I have a few years left to enjoy life on my own.

[itry]

but thats the thing.... im almost so convinced that monogomy is a myth... i think everyone cheats at one point or another... and those who say they dont just havent gotten caught yet. if its not u.. then its ur partner....

 

im so cnynical about this

[Rainz]

My good friend forgave her husband for cheating on her and it was an actual affair (not a 1 night stand) when they were going through a rough patch, this was about 10 years ago, ironically she now is the one cheating on him and has been having an affair for about 2 years. He doesn't know. I thought she would have told him, she too thought she woud have told him but she says it's so not as cut and dry as that. She said she looks at her 2nd son and sees how much he adores his Dad and says that she doesn't want her son to see his Dad breaking down the way she knows her would.

[Falucchi]

No, everyone does NOT cheat.

Some people have character, morals, boundaries, self-respect and live up to their commitments and promises.

[Hope75]

but thats the thing.... im almost so convinced that monogomy is a myth... i think everyone cheats at one point or another... and those who say they dont just havent gotten caught yet. if its not u.. then its ur partner....

 

Absoloutely not true. There are plenty of good, honest people out there who truly love thier partners and respect the commitment they made with them.

 

If your guy is telling you everyone cheats to justify his own acts, he is full of dung and you should know better.

 

I have to agree with others that when a cheater goes behind your back, sleeps with another, and then comes home to you and sleeps with you, he is putting your health at risk. Does that sound like someone who respects and loves you? I think not.

 

I would rethink staying with him. Regardless of the bogus lines he is telling you about others cheating, it's a lie, and you are far better off alone then with a selfish, hurtful, disrespectful person like he is.

[roo7_dubai69]

if u cant forgive him its difficult to carry on with him.. if u still love him then u need to change yr behaviour. u must 4give him in order to continue yr relationship.. u need to build trust without it u cant step together..

[belladona]

"It's been about 7 months since i found out.. the moron didnt confess.. the other girl called..."

 

From the way you sound, it seems this is something you cannot get over, even if time passes, it will come up, esp since HE didn't confess, you found out from the girl who got pregnant.

 

They now have a son that will bond them forever. I know you have deep feelings for this man but now you must take care fo yourself. It sounds like you are getting sick over this and it's not worth it.

 

I know you can do better. Don't even consider marriage with this moron. Cut the ties. He will cheat again, esp since he didn't tell you first.

[allein]

but thats the thing.... im almost so convinced that monogomy is a myth... i think everyone cheats at one point or another... and those who say they dont just havent gotten caught yet. if its not u.. then its ur partner....

 

I have NEVER cheated on anyone. It's not a myth. It's a matter of integrity. You either have it or you don't.

[newts]

I have never cheated. I did leave my husband because I was not interested in having sex with him anymore. I would never think about having an affair just to make myself feel better, and I believe that my ex husband deserved better than that.

[hurtAgain]

hi itry,

I've been in the same situation. My then bf cheated on me twice with his ex-wife, the mother of his son....while I was at home babysitting his son. They have shared custody, one week with her, one week with him. Now you see, was less convenient for him to cheat on me with her while his 3 year old was with his mother...Too many interruptions, you know. So, was way easier him to get me to babysit. So, as I was trying to be a good girlfriend, and of course, to impress him with my child handling skills, he was screwing her. Anyways, things went on, he never mentioned anything, up until we decided to get married. Plans were made, my parents gave out the cash (I'm romanian orthodox, and our weddings are huge and expensive)...anyways, that's beside the point.

 

So, couple of moths prior to the wedding, his ex calls. SHe does it often, to talk to her son. Than, I grabed the phone to say bye (why not, I have to be nice)...and she starts...he's a cheater, he'll never be faithfull to you, you're stupid...and she told me about their encounters.

I collapsed. My whole world came down...so, I got married.

 

I'll tell you something...It will get easier, it has to, but you'll never trust him again, NO MATTER WHAT.

You know what I used to do? Every Friday when he went to pick up his son, he'd call me from his cell phone, put his cell phone in his pocket, and keep the phone line open up until he left her place. Of course, I was listening in on my end of the line...and GOd forbid I didn't like something in the conversation. I'd blow up...

 

Is this a way of living? Yes, we are still together, but the trust issues are always there. I could not get over that fact, so I cheated on him. I should have left him, I know...But the fact that I was babysitting his son instead of going downtown with my girlfriends it KILLED me inside.

 

SO, take what you want from my lesson....but you'll always have trust issues. But, it also depends on the person.

 

WE FORGIVE, BUT NEVER FORGET...

[ReadyorNot]

I would just like to say.... When my bf and I had only been dating for 1 year he asked for a break...

 

I found out into this break that he was hanging out with this chick he found on the internet. He swore to me up and down nothing was going on... I went to a concert at a bar and saw them there and it was hilarious.. she and her friend were sitting so far from him and he looked so bored. The next day they went canoeing together at Algonquin Park and then he never saw her again... He called me up that night and asked if I wanted to come over for the night and he said he wanted to work things out...

 

Some time later I found her on ICQ and chatted with her.. I stupidly asked her questions... according to her answers they fooled around (no sex).. I accused him of this and he swore up and down this never happened... I made his life hell for the next 6months.... I have no real proof.. .this chick was upset for being dropped just like that by him...I was asking her questions and at first she refused to answer... I honestly think she is telling the truth and he is lying to me but since I have no real proof I just had to get over it...

 

For AWHILE it ate at me everyday... I would get thinking about it, and asking him questions and then we would fight... As time went on I slowly stopped thinking about it...

 

We are going to be celebrating our 5 year anniversairy this weekend and I have to say I rarely ever think about it, except for two weeks ago when he wanted to take me to Algonquin Park... I had never been there before and he knew how much I wanted to go, but he took her instead... Im still not ready to go to Algonquin Park with him though.... So I admit I got angry about this when he mentioned taking me there...

[stressed1]

I personally dont think u can ever truly forgive or forget, not in the proper sense of the word, but u can carry on, but depends if u want a substandard relationship?

 

it is kind of like an egg, broken by the affair. depending on the circumstances, this can at best be put back together in some way, but not like it was.....and i think that the success of relationships having undergone an affair is truly limited......personally think its only a matter of time......at some point, when convenient and/or more stable for either or both, it will drift and they will part.

 

i think initially, there are the powerful emotions of guilt, betrayal, anger, jealousy, revenge and competition, irrational in many ways which is why some dont break at time of hearing....when all dust has settled, and the other partner really looks at what they have got left, they find they are left with same old mundane relationship, with original pre affair problems, with the additional bonus of knowing of an affair...and its at this point that they realise its just not worth it