Sexuality Confusion

[kboykb]

I'm going through some serious hard times in my life, not only in career issues, self confidence and esteem problems, but now this. It may get kinda lengthy, but bear with me.

 

When I was very young, I don't remember the exact age.. but probably from 5 - 7, I was sexually abused by three of my *male* cousins. They made me suck them off, and then passed me along. Of course they told me not to tell my mom what they were doing, so at first I didn't think it was wrong. Then I learned about the God and the devil, and heaven and hell; that was the first time I actually fought back and told them "I don't want to, I'll go to hell" - but I wasn't saying that because I knew that sucking them off was morally/religiously wrong, I think it just seemed wrong to me.

 

So, after they had their fun a homosexual bone was left in my body. When I was 8 - 11 I had a mutual homosexual relationship with two cousins. Of course we were kids, so no intercourse or anything, but the fact is still there. After that, heterosexualism.

 

Now I'm 20 years old. When I went to Atlanta for school 2 years ago (18), I attracted two gay guys. The first wasn't obviously gay until he tried to suck on my neck and I pushed him off. No more contact with him after that. The other wasn't obviously gay either, but when I took him home he told me. I let him into my home (with my roommates of course) anyway. The problem is I tend to avoid serious conflict, and I rarely ever stick up for myself if it'll cause a bad fuss. So instead of telling him that I didn't feel comfortable hanging around a gay guy, I let him come on. (Again, this is Atl. 2 years ago and last year)

 

Then this year at USC I attracted an older guy that wanted to talk to me. Learning from my mistakes last year, I had more confidence and I told him that I wasn't interested. He still wanted to hang out, but still, instead of saying I don't want to, I said sure (though I knew we wouldn't, because I always lied to him and told him I was somewhere else). I need the ability to say no firmly, and let that be that. I'm more of a receiver than a giver. Most likely not a candidate for team captain anytime soon.

 

So here's the very big problem. I've had a girlfriend for the past 3 years, and she's talented in music so she goes to this special school. Without exaggeration, when I go to visit her, over half the guys there are gay. I can only think of 3 guy friends she has there that aren't. So, last night we were on the phone and she told me this little guy told her that he thought i was gay - and she was like "the guys here have a keen sense of telling who's gay and who's not". I became extremely angry, not just at her, but the fact that for the past 2 1/2 years I've been attracting so many gay guys, and now I have them trying to tell my girlfriend I am.

 

I'm a very shy and timid person until you meet me, then you see my true self. What is it? Why am I attracting these guys? I have to be giving off some sort of vibes. Is it the way I carry myself? I'm a fairly big guy (muscular), and athletic person. I wanted to ask her why the little guy thought I was gay, but I didn't want to delve into it any deeper. Like I said earlier, I do admit that I have a homosexual bone in my body. On occasions I do masturbate anally (like once every 3-6 months or whenever the urge hits), and I can look at another guy and tell if he's attractive or not.

 

Lately I've been having impotency (loss of erection during sex) problems with her because of relationship stress, career stress, and overall insecurity, so this guy telling her that he thinks I'm gay isn't going to help AT ALL. She's already become somewhat uncomfortable because of the impotency, and this is just going to add to the problems. More for me to worry about.

 

**But ending this now. We got off the phone last night and I was so upset that I just laid in the bed letting thoughts run through my head. I made myself think of guys having sex compared to guy/girl sex, and I got a harder erection with the gay sex thought. This isn't necessarily homosexuality - because of my impotency problems lately I've really had a hard time trying to get the female body to give me a confident erection, since I'm somewhat afraid to have sex until the problem is fixed.

 

I'm not gay, and even though I admit to having gay thoughts and becoming turned on sometimes by it, I do not want to be gay, even though I know there's nothing wrong with it. I'm past the confusion / experimentation phase of life and I've made my decision on where I want to be. I'm sure if I could erase what my cousins did to me long ago I'd be a completely different person now. **There are no moral or religious thoughts clouding my mind, I just want to avoid being this way.

 

What are your thoughts on this? *** (I don't want to be Bi either - and I haven't had any strong feelings for another male ever. My two cousins were more experimentation than love for another.) ***

[Cadence308]

Wow! I just read your thread and I don't know where to start. That is horrible what your cousins did to you, but it sounds like you are letting that experience cloud your sense of self and sexuality. You sound very sure that you are a heterosexual male and for the most part you probably are.

 

I always tell people who post on here who are questioning and asking others if they are gay to perform a google search online about the Kinsey scale because it really helps clarify the fact that sexuality is not black and white with just a little gray area in between. The Kinsey scale is a scale from 1-6 with 1 being entirely heterosexual and 6 being entirely homosexual and 2-4 are the gray areas in between. So if you think of sexuality as being a number, such as these, people's sexuality occurs all over the scale with varying levels of attraction for everyone.

 

Somehow you are giving off the vibe that you could be gay or bi. You are reading too much into it and letting other people tell you where your sexuality is. Chances are you are not a 1 on the Kinsey scale. Almost nobody is, although people who are with the opposite sex would like to think and assure themselves that they are. The fact is, that for most people at some time in their life they are going to be attracted to someone of the same sex. They may not openly admit this to the person and may justify it to themselves as just really liking their friend as a friend. The line is crossed when they admit they like their friend as more than a friend, are open to having a sexual and romantic relationship with someone of the same sex, are physically and sexually attracted to someone of the same sex, engage in sexual behaviors with someone of the same sex, etc. You get the point.

 

I look like the most straight woman in the world. I am very feminine. Sometimes people would tell me that I give off the vibe that I was gay or bi. I didn't understand why. I'm also a total feminist and think that women shouldn't depend on men and should be self-sufficient, etc. So I think my perspectives about gender roles may have been the reason some thought I was gay. It turns out that I am more attracted to and feel more emotionally connected with women and I am a lesbian.

 

As a guy who dates women and considers himself heterosexual, I would not worry too much about gay guys suggesting that you are gay. If you are a human rights advocate, you could look at your situation and think that since you do prefer sexual and romantic relationships with women this situation provides you an opportunity to make people wonder about you and your sexuality, which in effect serves to break down the barriers of homosexuality.

 

It also is normal for a man to become impotent when under a lot of stress. Maybe avoid sex until some of your stress has passed. Or try to use sex as stress relief! \

[aug104evr]

I agree with Ballys. What your cousins did to you was VERY wrong but because you were molested does not mean you are gay. I think people are confusing you with being gay because you are not like a lot of men who act all macho and dominating. People sense insecurity and prey off of that. The fact that you do get turned on by thinking of gay sex. So what!! Is there a rule of what men or women can be attracted too. Is there a list? Just learn to be comfortable with yourself. If a man hits on you and your not attracted, say thanks but no thanks. Isn't that what you would tell a woman that you were not attracted too. Think of it as flattery. Hey I'm hot enough to attract both men and women. You are letting people confuse you. And now you are letting them confuse Mr. Winky and depriving yourself and your girlfriend of a lot of fun. You also need to tell your girlfriend that just because some one is gay doesn't mean they have a gaydar. I have a lot things in common with some of my black friends and that doesn't make me black. Good Luck

[Cadence308]

I have a lot things in common with some of my black friends and that doesn't make me black

 

LOL You GO, girl! I agree!