My boyfriend + his ex=me jealous

[SandyD]

I´ve been in a commited relationship with my boyfriend for about a month now. We´ve known eachother since last December, and have been sort of together since then, with a few bumps along the way, but we finally managed to make it work. And I´m pretty happy.

 

My boyfriend and his ex were together for 3 years, they lived together, had dogs together, and have been apart for about a year. He seems to have really loved her, and went through major pain with their separation. They both moved away to different cities. One night, while drunk, he told me that they had broken up because a girl had moved in with them, and he started to feel attracted to the girl, who according to him was very good looking. His friends told him not to say anything to his then girlfriend, but he did. And they broke up.

 

He used to bring up his ex in conversation sometimes, things like "Oh, my ex did this, my ex used to do that". I was cool about it until it started to really irritate me, I finally asked him if I was going to have to always hear about his ex. He stopped. And for a couple of months he hasn´t uttered a word about her.

 

He´s in that Orkut thing, and a couple of days ago I was looking at his page and his ex had left a testimonial there, saying she was happy they were still friends, that he was an awesome person, that they did a lot together and bla bla bla. Cool, I thought. It´s always good when a guy has good rapport with his exes. And the girl lives a thousand states away anyway.

 

Then I noticed he´s on msn a lot these last few days. He never used to log on so much. I suspect he´s there just waiting to talk to her. Then tonight he came by, and mentioned how he had talked to her yesterday. He said it in a tentative manner, and as soon as he saw that I was ok with it, he went on to tell me about their conversation and what she was doing and such. I was breathing and counting to 10 the whole time. I found out they talk to eachother about once a month.

 

Then I went on to say that I was cool with it, that I thought it was great they still had a friendship since they were together for so long. I still talk to one of my exes, and we´re pretty close, but deep inside I know that my ex would take me back if I wanted him (good thing he lives in a different continent). And my boyfriend would go back to his ex if she wanted. Good thing she is moving to Australia soon.

 

And that´s the thing... he´s not really mine. I feel his heart truly belongs to someone else and it´ll never be completely mine. He´s mine as long as she doesn´t want him. And that makes me sad and sooo insecure. They have this huge history and my boyfriend still has a painting she gave him in his room. He didn´t try to reassure me that he was over her, that I´m the one he´s in love with now, even though I told him that I had been over my ex a long time ago and he was in no way a threat. He just stayed quiet.

 

And the thing is, I´m trying to be cool about it, and not come off as insecure. But it bothers me. He´s as sweet as sweet can be, and I know I can trust him... but I feel he´s not completely over this girl. I told him he doesn´t have to tell me about everytime they speak, because I do get jealous feelings, and that it´s his life after all to do as he pleases... but I really don´t want him to speak to her anymore. I want him to cut her off and just get over her for real. Is that selfish and unreasonable of me?

[Lewis25]

So she's moving to Australia. We'll that should ease your mind shouldn't it. It says a lot about her intentions, if not his. It's very natural to want to stay in touch, and even reasonably close to an ex. Nobody likes the idea that a relationship just dies, and there was no point. He invested a lot of time into that relationship. I guess he doesn't want it to feel like wasted time. Who would? Don't get angry if you can help it. It's a good thing this guy can't just switch off theese feelings. It offers a lot of promise to your relationship, and his feelings towards you.

[SandyD]

Hey Lewis25.. it´s funny, but in a way I guess it is endearing that he´s like this. It makes me think that if we break up someday, all the other girls in his life will be hearing about me for years to come... lol! And we´ll keep in contact and drive his new girlfriend insane! Except anyone else would probably tell him to cut all contact with me...

[Strandysmommy]

As much as it sucks, if you and your guy have a good relationship and trust each other, you should really say something to him. Tell him in a non accusing manner about how it makes you feel like you're not really his. Tell him how it makes you feel like second rate. It's better to get it out there and not let it boil up. I know about letting things boil, and it WILL come out whether you want it to or not. Just tell him it makes you feel badly, it hurts you. If he really cares for you he'll be honest; it may not be the honesty you want...he may say "no I am not over her, I want her back". He may realize he's not ready to be in a relationship if he's not over his ex. OR he may realize that he's wrecking the current relationship and he needs to fix it.

 

Either way, I know what is to feel territorial and jealous. It's not good to be jealous, but you're justified a little..

[Lewis25]

Ah yes. Do try not to project yourself there just yet though. There's a lotta living to be done before having revenge on some girlfriend from the future.

[SandyD]

I know I should talk to him about it, but I´m the kind of person who really cherishes my freedom and I like to let others keep theirs. I dislike any sign of possessivness as I think nobody is ours to own, or shouldn´t be anyway. I believe you should trust people, and I could never be in a relationship where I couldn´t have the peace that comes from trust. It would be too stressful. So that´s why I feel awkward about talking to him about cutting her off. They have their relationship (friendship), we have ours. Maybe they can co-exist, but I don´t know.

 

I have a haunting feeling like I´m with somebody else´s man. Isn´t that weird?

 

And Lewis25... ha ha ha, I couldn´t resist making that comment. It really does make me feel better to think that in the future there might be another girl out there who will be insanely jealous of our deep connection in the past. Or, I could end up being forgotten like all rebound is, and when he dies his last words to his sad wife of 54 years will be this same ex´s name... and she´ll go "Dear God, why didn´t you just follow her to Australia?"

[cleverme123]

BEWARE OF EX's, even if they move to the other side of the world. It happens to often there is already a history and that leaves things wide open, specially since his feelings for her ran deep.

[RayKay]

I think if he is being honest about the relationship with his ex (as in telling you he talked to her) then you need to use your own trust and knowledge of who he is to asess if there really is a threat or not to you.

 

There are many people who remain on good terms with their ex's, as they move forward into other relationships. It does not necessarily mean they will ever be together again - even times where one does the other does not. Sometimes there are still feelings there, but more like care, friendship.

 

I am good friends with my ex. My boyfriend has met him, I see him regularly at races and to go cycling together as we are on same team, my boyfriend races too so is there. I will talk to him a couple times a week. But we have both moved on and it is purely friendship. I live with my boyfriend, and definitely want to grow old and grey with him, and my ex is dating a couple girls, and having fun on his own. I am honest with my boyfriend about it all, and when he does have any concerns, we talk about it - this was only at first, now he does indeed realize there is nothing there though of course there may be some jealousy.

 

My boyfriend too was friends with his ex....and I was jealous. They had been together three years, had lived together 1.5 years or so (I had never lived with anyone before, so him having done so did make me sort of jealous of her!) and had a bad breakup when she moved away for work and he did not want to move due to his own life here, and she did not want to take another job to stay. They saw each other regularly, both dated others and were on good terms. HOWEVER, it seemed that once she found out he had moved in with me, she was not too happy with him as then suddenly felt that he had always strung her along in relationship for something better (not true he says, he did love her and she ended it...though now she says he did...)...and that she had not healed so could no longer talk to him. While before she had wanted to meet me, when she found out we moved in, she was jealous I guess, maybe it was more "final" or something. And I guess it took us three months to move in, her and him a while longer so that might of been part of it.

 

I never tried to stop their friendship as like you, I am friends with ex's as well and I do NOT want to control someone and I trusted him. I was supportive when he went for coffee with her when she was in town and so on. I admit when I found out how much feelings there still were on her part I was sort of feeling better that she was not talking to him anymore...however, I KNEW that even with those feelings on her part, HE did not want to be with her again and had moved on (had taken a while, but had done so) and is very very happy with me...so I trust HIM.

 

You need to think about whether you can trust your boyfriend...if you don't that is a problem that will reoccur over and over again not just with his ex but others as well. If it is just jealousy, she is moving soon! Sure things can still happen long distance, but far less likely. She is moving willingly so obviously does not see them as more than friends. I am guessing though you worry about his feelings for her still being there and him not committing completely to you....it is your choice what to do, but you can give it time and see what happens. Just because he loved her, does not mean he cannot fall madly in love with you! A year is still "fairly recent" for some people depending on the relationship, so give it some more time, and a month into it is still really soon!

 

Good luck

[Lewis25]

Hey Sandy,

Whereabouts in Australia is she moving to? If my relationship's gone to seed, maybe I can keep her occupied for you.

[SandyD]

Hi RayKay... you got it right when you said I couldn´t be sure of his commitment to me since his feelings for his ex are all still intact. She´s a gazillion miles away, but he´ll never be truly mine unless I´m the sole occupant of his heart. And maybe that´s selfish, but I don´t want to share his heart with someone.

 

I remember when he first mentioned wanting to be exclusive... I said I was scared because he seemed to not have gotten over his ex. He turned to me and said "Well, it´s been a year. How can I ever be sure that I´m over her?" That´s his problem... he´s too honest sometimes. Why couldn´t he have just said "No, I´m over that woman, the only person I care about is you, my one true love... you are my soulmate, the most beautiful woman in the world, I would kill and steal for you!" Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but along those lines.... ha ha ha hah a.

 

I´ll have to talk to him about it. It´s eating me up inside. There´s no way around it. I´m just scared of hearing what I don´t want to, and of coming off as insecure. But, hey, I AM insecure.

 

Lewis25... I don´t know where she is moving to in Australia. If I ever find out, I´ll let you know... hehehe. Maybe you can convince her to never leave Australia. That would work out well for me!

[Strandysmommy]

I agree with the whole idea of freedom. I was always terrified of ending up with a jealous, possessive boyfriend. I see things a little different now, regarding those two words though: Jealousy and Possession. Neither are good for relationships in excess, just as wine, in excess is not good for the body...BUT a little bit is apparently good for the body.

 

Now I am not saying that the man or woman who sees thier signifgant other talking to a person of the oppisite gender and decides they need to call said sig. other every hour is justified. No way...but I guess the fact that this person, this guy means so much to you that you want his whole heart shows how much you love him. It seems to really be weighing on you, and if you keep it bottled up inside it will poison you. Both you and he. Just make sure he knows you're not trying to claim him as your possession...you need to get it out there. You also need to be ready for an answer, one you might or might not want to hear.

 

I think it's promising that his ex is going away to another country on the other side of the world...of course I am overly analytical for all the reasons she could be going away. See what happens when she is gone...then I think you'll get some idea of what happens next.

[SandyD]

It seems to really be weighing on you, and if you keep it bottled up inside it will poison you. Both you and he. Just make sure he knows you're not trying to claim him as your possession...you need to get it out there. You also need to be ready for an answer, one you might or might not want to hear.

 

It´s very hard for me to do this without feeling like I am claiming him as a possession. I feel like I have no right. It´s almost like I respect too much what they had, because they had this huge history together. Who am I to intrude? That´s what´s weird... I feel like I am in a secondary relationship.

 

I love him, yes. I respect and admire him a great deal. I give him all the freedom, and he does the same for me. But I don´t want to be some consolation prize. I don´t want to be some distraction, a way for him to feel less about her. I don´t deserve that.

 

I will have a talk with him, and I am ready to hear what I don´t want to. I trust myself to be ok no matter what. I´ll keep you posted.

 

Thanks for hearing me out!!!

[Luciana]

Sandy, I have noticed that when it is the woman who left the relationship, and the guy was in pain, they really never belong to us 100%. My fiance was married to a woman he was "madly in love with" and who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I would have preferred not to hear this.

 

And I have met men who made the decision of leaving their wives or GF's because they weren't in love, and these men are the ones who are more yours, so to speak.

 

I am sure there are many exceptions, but I have noticed that pattern.

 

Anyhow, she is moving far away and that is a blessing for you. It is just a question of time before out of sight out of heart occurs hopefully.

[SandyD]

Hey Luciana... well, his ex already lives far away. She´s just moving even further away. I´m glad she lives far from him, but then it´s like... I just get to be with him by default. Given the option, I don´t think he´d choose me. I guess the question is more like... should you be with a person who is in love with someone else? Will they ever be yours, truly?

 

Maybe I´m being too philosophical.

[Strandysmommy]

You know, it occurred to me: this man you're with, is a free thinker, yes? He's an independent person and there are no outside factors like friends or family binding him to you, right? SO I'm inclined to believe that he is with you out of his own free will! I don't think he's with you as a second choice. If he really loved this girl and was so hung up on her, wouldn't he maybe break it off with you and be trying is darndest to get her back? I mean really pining for her! He chose you, he wasn't forced, and he's got his own mind and if he didn't want to be with you out of the hopes that he could have miss australia back you'd think he'd leave and go for her.

 

It was just a thought, I mean that stuff I wrote up there should be interpreted as good news.

[taarna]

Oh.. Lewis25

 

You are too too funny.

 

Keep your chin up SandyD, you are going about this the RIGHT way. Jealousy is *hard* feeling to fight, but you are doing OK.

 

You have let him know how you feel and you understand. Be patient, as your relationship grows stronger those feelings will subside.

 

***BUT

 

Make sure he's not chatting all the time....keep tabs on your phone bill...ask to read his chat log. If he's not doing anything wrong, he won't have a problem alleviating your fears.

 

Good luck honey!

[CaliDreaming]

I know what you are going through. However, there are two ex's involved in our situation. We are both jealous of the other's past relationship. She got dumped by the man she expected to marry. I got divorced from a 5+ year marriage. I am possesive and jealous, and she is somewhat... My ex is very attractive, and that bothers her. Although I have convinced GF that I was never truly in love with Ex, she is still jealous. GF has met Ex a few times. On the other side, she was truly in love with her Ex - based on the way she talks about him. I have not met her Ex.

 

For the first 6months into our relationship, I never said anything. I let her bring it up, and it was the best thing that could of happened. As far as the jealously, it was the right time to talk. The truth is that different people have different things they contribute to a relationship. There are special things in your relationship that can never be replaced. The same goes for past relationships. Maybe he won't feel for you in the same way as he did for someone else. The question: Are the feelings strong enough?

 

I think once your really in love with someone, it never goes away. You will need to accept that? If my relationship continues to sputter, I will be able to tell you at some point

[SandyD]

Calidreaming...

Maybe he won't feel for you in the same way as he did for someone else. The question: Are the feelings strong enough?

 

I agree. We fall in love with different people for different reasons, and the experiences we share with a lover make up our relationship. Of course, I will never have with my new boyfriend what I had with any of my exes. This is a new story, and we are still building it, we are still creating our own memories. What we have is OURS, of our own making, not anyone else´s. I hate that he´s fallen in love before, but I also know that he is choosing to start a new chapter with me. The feelings are strong "enough", yes.

 

 

I think once your really in love with someone, it never goes away. You will need to accept that? If my relationship continues to sputter, I will be able to tell you at some point

 

Personally, I don´t believe that. I know a lot of people do, but to me that means you´re not over your ex. I have been in many relationships for how young I am, many long term (longest one was almost 7 years). And while I harbor tender feelings for most of my exes, and I still am best friends with one of them, I can truly say that I have no residual feelings for any of them. I would never get back with any of them. It´s hard to recall being in love with any of them, actually... because I am completely over them. I know that at one point I was crazy about them, it´s just hard to remember.

 

I took the proverbial year off to get over my last relationship, to give myself a break from years of "serial monogamy". Then I dated casually for another long while, and no one I dated really made me want to commit. I dated some nice guys, and some weirdos. I wasn´t looking for a boyfriend. Then one fine day I met my current boyfriend, and one look at him made me realize he was the kind of guy I´ve been waiting for. I mean, you know when you make a list of how you want your perfect man to be and then he actually materializes? With some flaws, of course, but basically what you wished for. And my heart was truly mine to give.

 

He´s not my ex of 7 years. I don´t compare them. And thank goodness because my ex and I DIDN´T WORK OUT! I guess that´s why I feel entitled to be the sole occupant of his heart, because he is of mine. I know it is possible to get over exes, completely.