its still there. in the back of my mind.

[On The Road]

well hello again everyone. seems like i come back here every few days to either write about something on my mind in which i don't write in my personal blog or to see if i can help anyone.

 

considering the amount of emotional *stuff* that has been going on, i don't think that im doing horrible. im trying to get rid of all negative nellies. but. there has been something on my mind for the past few months that has recently gotten more and more on the top of my list thats on my mind.

 

last year i went through what you may call a faze. i cut myself many times and even went as far as writing suicide notes to my friends and family. but, thanks to this site, people i talked to on this site and my parents forcing me to go on a retreat from my church, i turned myself around. but of course, this year has been a million times harder than last year and im still pulling through.

 

but, even tho i have stopped cutting, i still think about it. not 24/7 like i used to. but well, i guess its hard to explain. sometimes, when i look at my arms quickly, its like i see the scars all over again. sometimes, i want to do it again even tho i know i shouldn't. sometimes i want to feel like i did after i had done it. but i know how bad it made things in the long run. keeping secrets and lying to the people i love. but its like its still taking over my mind. i haven't told anyone this before. but it seems like no matter what i do, its still hanging in the back of my mind. i wish it would go away before impulse sets in and i do something i really don't want to do.

[sidehop]

Although I don't cut myself, I can relate to the type of 'feeling' you have about doing something you don't want to even though it can harm you. The best thing is don't tempt or test yourself in your mind even though it may be hard at first but do your best not to.

 

I'm sure others who have overcome the same type of problem can give you further insight