difficult choices

[unpaidcarer]

The problem is that my mother has been seen by a paramedic and social care who all say that she is fine and that if she chooses to go for a walk then that's up to her. My sibling is handling her finances for her and will not do anything without her permission as it's her money. My mother has refused care, says she doesn't need help of any kind. So we are stuck. If I was a single child I would have arranged carers years ago whether mum liked it or not. However, my sibling is in charge of the finances and will not do anything behind his mum's back. It's easy for him to have this attitude because he lives miles away and manages mum's home and affairs from a distance. However, as I live next door, if anything goes wrong - like mum getting lost, falling over in the road then it's me that gets visits from passing motorists that seen mum fall or neighbours calling me to come and get mum because I live next door to Mum and I'm available. I do have power of attorney to deal with mum's finances but I think if I asked for money for mum's care/hired help then I think my brother would challenge it as the other attorney because he believes in keeping mum involved in the decision making process. I am pretty helpless and really can only refuse to get involved if anyone brings mum to my door. Brutal I know but really, I have had enough.

[Wiseman2]

Sooner or later someone, law enforcement, etc will bring your mother to an emergency room or hospital and either you or your brother or both will be investigated for neglect. Yes she can refuse medical care, anyone can. However it is grossly irresponsible to allow this neglect and danger because your brother is supposedly "managing" her finances and you claim she is fine unattended and wandering the streets. There is no law that states you can't hire an attendant or aide or nurse or companion to assist her if she is not ready to move to a assisted living retirement community. Keep in mind some adult children are afraid to lose their inheritance if they sell the seniors home an to finance better care in facility. Find out what your brother is really up to.

The problem is that my mother has been seen by a paramedic and social care who all say that she is fine

[unpaidcarer]

Wiseman I don't claim to say that my mother is fine! Far from it. I think from what I have written in my previous posts has made that clear. it has been me that has pushed and pushed over the past four years to get some help for Mum. Why do you think I've come to this forum for advice as to what to do next? I have seen my mother struggle to survive on her own and I have worked hard to help her as much as I can but I can't do this on my own. I don't claim that mum is fine wandering the streets I am doing my utmost to stop this happening.

 

Social services have been contacted by me and my sibling many times because we are both concerned for her, who at nearly 94, should really be in a care home but if she refuses to go what can we do? Social care say that it is down to my mother's doctor to make a decision about mum's mental abilities. My mother's surgery sent a Paramedic to see Mum last week and pronounced every thing was 'fine'..not me. A couple of days later Mum was discovered by the road side having fallen down and a motorist found her and brought her to my house looking very dishevelled, upset and confused. I rang my sibling and he advised to contact social care. Social care says that Mum's doctor says she is fine and that if she decides to go for walk then that's up to her...not what I think.

 

We just go around in circles. Of course we would like mum to have care, support and help (in addition to what we do for her) but if she refuses care, has been warned that she is vulnerable I'm not sure what we can do.

 

I am incredibly worried about my mother and just trying to find solutions/ideas hence me coming to this site.

[abitbroken]

Agree with preeemptive visits. Keep a routine where you visit mom at certain times of day - daily. That could be in the evening when she is about to turn in, maybe have breakfast with her etc, make it a social call. You can easily see what is going on if you do. Do you *have* to work at your business? I mean, can you take on no new clients or go part time to be there for mom? You had no trouble being there for dad, but you are half speaking as if mom is a bother because you have this exciting new life and half a concerned daughter.

 

what about some sort of doorbell came or alert system to tell you if mom has left the house, - a camera in the yard so you are not intruding on privacy but at the same time, you can get a head's up.

 

people with dementia sometimes do better when they have social interaction. What does your mom like? playing cards? drawing? Can your kids visit Grandma once a week?

[unpaidcarer]

I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. Before I started my business I was seeing a lot more of her. We used to go on holiday together, weekends away, walking my dog (when she was alive), shopping for clothes for her for holidays, taking her see her relatives, taking her to see her best friend in a nursing home, helping mum with her garden, taking her food shopping every week, taking her out for dinner for mother's day, sometimes she would call in for coffee and still does occasionally. Since my father passed away I have spent an incredible amount of time with my mum. Only three weeks ago I invited Mum over with my daughter for a meal so I do try. I have to plan these get togethers because I am keeping my business going as well, which I love because it is social interaction. I don't have friends, no partner and my children live very far away and, if I did't have my business what else is there for me?

 

I had to be there for my father because he was very ill and had collapsed with a brain tumour. Like my mother he refused to see his doctor and waited until he was seeing spiders climbing the walls. I pleaded and pleaded with him to agree for me to call an ambulance. There was no else with me except my mum and she had gone to pieces and couldn't cope. It was decided that I would go with him to hospital and I spend six hours with him waiting to be seen. Eventually he was told it was terminal and was sent home to die. Mum was very good she looked after him during that time. Mum and Dad refused carers or would only tolerate a couple of hours which meant that Dad was not really being looked after very well. He then collapsed again in the middle of the night and because I was close I was called to help - what I saw was awful. Again, ambulance called hours in hospital stabilising him just me and my dad. He stayed in hospital and was only allowed home provided they both agreed care which they had to accept.

 

Can you imagine the toll that took on Mum and me? It just my elderly mother and me dealing with a very difficult situation. My sibling was miles away and my children had left home.

 

I don't agree 'that I had no trouble being there for Dad' it was more like there was no else to help. I swore that I would not be put in that situation again. The reason that my Dad ended up the way he did is because he refused to accept outside help and this is exactly what my mum is doing too.

 

I would not say that my mother is a 'bother' because I enjoy her company and we do get on well. The sad fact is that she has Alzheimers and anyone who has spend time with a very elderly parent who's memory is shot to pieces and is not the person they once were will know just how distressing an painful it is to watch someone whom you have spent lots of quality time has withered away to a shell of what they once were.

 

The problem that I have is that my business or my work fills a huge gap in my life because I don't have a partner, few friends and my children live far away. This has happened because I devoted most of my life bringing my children up as single parent, then I supported my parents in their old age as much as I could. I do have a sibling but he lives far away too. So it is very lonely for me and I do need company.

 

Because Mum is refusing care at nearly 94 with dementia it means that she is very vulnerable and does (through her own choices - I have offered to take her to day care centres to meet other seniors but she refuses) spend a lot of time on her own. She could accept some help which would be company for her but she refuses. Mum really only wants to see family. I believe I have done everything I can to make Mum's life as good as I can but I do need to put myself first hence the business.

 

Mum is not a bother to me but she is a worry when she starts wandering along a busy road, falling over and passing motorists are bringing her back to my house because she is lost and can't remember her address or she gets lost and a neighbour calls me and tells me to come and get my mum. On the occasions that Mum has decided to leave her home and got lost was when I was teaching which I meant I had to drop everything to help. How can I have any sort of life if I am dealing with emergencies all of the time? I cannot be on call 24 hours a day surely?

 

I have come to this site to find answers about how I can get Mum to accept some home help, support or care that was all.

 

I do visit Mum and see her as much as I can which is lot more than any other member of my family is doing.

 

The idea of camera is excellent as is the doorbell/alert system. I will suggest that to Mum the next time I see her.

 

Mum cannot see very well because she has Glaucoma sadly. She has not seen her eye consultant for a year because she will not go to Hospital unless me or my sibling take her. I used to take her regularly but it just got too much. Mum really cannot draw or even hold a pen too well as she has arthritis. My eldest son lives in Asia, my middle daughter is based in London and my youngest is very vulnerable and does try to visit her Nan every few months.

 

Thank you for the suggestions.

[abitbroken]

I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. B

 

If mom lives NEXT DOOR to you, you "try" and see her every Sunday afternoon or the occasional Saturday -- Really? If my mother or grandmother lived next door to me, even if she was well and lived an extremely social life, I would see her way more than once a week. If she was unwell, i would be popping in every single day. If she really needed help, i would be checking on her twice a day. If you live next door to her, how are you so busy that you cannot or will not do that?

 

You helped when dad had no other options - mom is the same - so scale back your "wellness" business or block out some time in that schedule of appointments to pop in for a few minutes every day. I get being self employed - but that means you are also in charge of your own schedule.

[abitbroken]

Trouble is, being next door, I am considered available for all sorts of things - which I have been happy to do but now that I am very busy with my job I am finding it difficult to be available. Mum does not got to her hospital appointments for her eyes because she only wants me or my sibling to take her.

 

You SHOULD be taking her. You block out time in your schedule and you take her. You live next door. I understand not being able to tolerate interruptions, but most of her doctor's appointments can certainly be scheduled in advance so that you can schedule your wellness appointments around them. If she goes to the doc's twice a week, every week, you can certainly block out that time. If you moved mom next door, why is driving her to a doctor appointment so bad? That way you can also be privvy to what they are saying as her next of kin,

 

Are you trying to model for your kids that they should treat you as a bother when you are in your 90s and start to fail? Appreciate the things about your family or etc that mom can tell you about now before she starts to forget or passes away.

[unpaidcarer]

I take your point 'abitbroken' Perhaps I have not made it clear about what I have done and still do for my mother. I try to go and see her every Sunday afternoon or have her to dinner on occasional saturdays. On average I usually see her once a week or a fortnight. B

 

If mom lives NEXT DOOR to you, you "try" and see her every Sunday afternoon or the occasional Saturday -- Really? If my mother or grandmother lived next door to me, even if she was well and lived an extremely social life, I would see her way more than once a week. If she was unwell, i would be popping in every single day. If she really needed help, i would be checking on her twice a day. If you live next door to her, how are you so busy that you cannot or will not do that?

 

You helped when dad had no other options - mom is the same - so scale back your "wellness" business or block out some time in that schedule of appointments to pop in for a few minutes every day. I get being self employed - but that means you are also in charge of your own schedule.

 

'Abitbroken' thank you for your thoughts but I think it is really up to me as to how often I see my mother. That is not the issue. I think if you took the trouble to read my original post you will see that I came to this forum because my mother will not go to see a GP to get herself diagnosed because she has Alzheimers. The last time she had any tests was in 2015 when mild dementia was diagnosed. She has got steadily worse and has refused any outside care. If you have spent any time with someone who has Alzheimers you would understand just how difficult it is - the middle stages of this dreadful disease are the worse - I know because I have spent a lot of time with my mum, more than anyone. Mum should really be accepting some sort of professional care because she has started hallucinating about going to see friends, my late father and has taken to walking around a busy road, falling and passing motorists are bringing her back to my house or neighbours because they are worried -as both my sibling and I are. I am trying to find ways for the authorities to accept that my mother is a danger to herself and others. It would not make any difference if I had breadkfast with mum, saw her every day, twice a day, this would not prevent her suddenly deciding to wander off and get knocked over, have a fall, it would be awful. This is a very stressful situation and because I am close both physically and emotionally it is very upsetting to see my mother looking upset, dirty, dishevelled and lost because she cannot find her way back home because she forgets her address. Mum will not accept any outside professional help because she thinks there is nothing wrong with her - a facet of the disease. The issue is not company for Mum - going see her every day as you have suggested - the sad thing is if I did that she would forget anyway...I often call in to see her and find her in bed asleep and I leave cake for her. I tell her that i have been to see her and did she like the cake but she doesn't remember. She forgets that she has had dinner with me, that my sibling has been to see her...she cannot remember what she has had for breakfast - let alone who she has seen! Thats the painful downside of Alzheimers. I think if you had any time with someone with Alzheimers, elderly, frail, poor eyesight you would understand just sad and painful it is to see, heartbreaking. I really don't think it is for you to tell me how often I should see my parent. I was asking for advice about how to get support for my mother who, because of elderly dementia, has started wandering and is being a danger to herself and others and I don't think suggesting that I should see her twice a day would prevent that happening.

[unpaidcarer]

Arbitbroken thank you for your thoughts. My mother has had it written on her doctor's notes and the Hospital that she does not want her daughter to have access to her medical records. When Mum first became confused and forgetful I spent a lot of time trying to persuade her to see her doctor. I made appointments, arranged to come and collect her to take her but she would refuse to go. Not deterred, I went to see my own doctor (part of the same practice) to say that I was worried about my mum but they said that there is nothing they can do unless Mum agrees to go to the doctor herself. I kept contacting the doctor, spoke to the doctor regularly but all they would say is that there is nothing they can do. In end, after a lot of persuasion from the doctor speaking to mum on the phone Mum agreed to go for an MRI scan and memory test. Mum did not tell me that she was going for the test and agreed to go in ambulance. I don't know the results of the memory tests because of privacy but the GP told me mild dementia. When it came for the MRI scan mum agreed for me to take her. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was to wait in outside whilst she went in. I waited for two hours. Mum did not tell me about the scan and I took her home. That was the last time she had any tests in 2015. I have pleaded with mum to see her GP for blood tests but she refuses. It was incredibly hurtful to be told by Mum's GP (after all that I'd done to push for a diagnosis) that she did not want her daughter to be told anything. Then Mum's glaucoma started and this meant visits to the Hospital to see the consultant. This involves often a wait of three hours and I have been very happy to do it. However, Mum had made it very clear that she did not want me to come in with her to see the Consultant and that I am to wait outside - this hurt me very much. I just felt like a taxi driver but I accepted and respected Mum's wishes. The next appointment for Mum was when I was on holiday and my sibling and his wife agreed to take Mum. It's a long journey (100 miles) for them, three hour wait and then going home. I was hurt even more when Mum invited my sister-in-law to come in with her to see the Consultant when on the last 5 occasions I have been told to stay outside. I was very hurt by this and refused to have any more involvement in hospital appointments if all I am is a transport service. Mum does not go to see her doctor.

 

I did not 'move my mother' next door to me Abitbroken. My mother is not the sort of person who will move anywhere for anyone, unless that is what she wants to do . Any advice or help that I offer has always been turned down. My mum prefers to go to my sibling for advice on serious matters. My mother moved from her large house when my father died because it was too big for her to look after on her own and she refused to have hired help. She discussed this with my sibling and decided to sell. She handled the sale, arranged removals with my sibling...The house next door to me came on the market and Mum decided she would like to buy it. This was all discussed with my sibling. I was asked if it was okay for mum to move next door me I agree happily. So no 'I did not move my mother next door to me' it was her decision and I just went along with it. Abibroken, I have spent many, many hours with my mother over the past 5 years - going on holidays together (which I have arranged, driven, organised), weekends away, shopping trips...you name it, I have done it! I think I have been a great role model to my children because they have always seen me as their grandmother's carer and support. However, they have all left home to live their lives and rarely come to see their grandmother. Of all of my family, I am the one that has done the most for her. I have helped her with her garden, visited her every week, welcomed her when she has called in to see me, whenever it was, ready with tea and biscuits. She used to come regularly for dinner - every week - she spent Christmas day with me, she had dinner with me recently. As I said, I am doing for my mum than anyone else. I do enjoy my job, I get to meet people. It is a commitment which I am happy to do because I live on my own with few friends and no partner or entertainment. If I do something I have do it on my own there are no friends for me. I have suggested to Mum that she come on holiday with me, weekend away, walk along the beach but it is difficult because she cannot walk very far. I have asked if she would consider a wheelchair so that we can do more together - other than just sitting talking about the same old things (another aspect of Alzheimers) but she refuses because she is worried about 'what people might think' of her being pushed in the wheelchair. Mum doesn't think oh that's great that my daughter still wants to take me on holiday, weekend away, walk along the beach, go to cafe for fish and chips (all of the things that I have suggested recently) she just worries about her image!

 

It's unfortunate that my sibling and his wife don't come and see mum more or invite her to stay their house but they only come every few months, that's the way it is. Mum's day to day welfare, entertainment and social life has largely fallen to me. So I believe I have been a great role model and I certainly would not expect them to worry about me if I should be lucky enough to live to my 90s. I accept my life on my own and do the best I can for my family and me.

 

I think Abitbroken you have gone off topic and focussed on a side issue of Mum's hospital appointments, doctors and general welfare and entertainment.

 

The original post was about Mum's now middle stage Alzheimer's causing her to start hallucinating and being dellusional. She has started searching for my dad and friends - a facet of the disease. We live by a very busy road and I am very concerned that, as she has started falling in the road and people are having to stop, pick up and bring her back to me, she is becoming a danger to herself and others. The fact that she shuts me out of her medical and health care means that I cannot help her. She has not agreed to a Health and Welfare Power of Attorney which means that we cannot use her money to get paid professional care who are specialists in dealing dementia sufferers. She has not agreed for me to have access to her medical records nor can I speak to her doctor. We are stuck in this situation which is now getting very dangerous, stressful and worrying.

 

Thank you for your suggestions, advice and help.

 

I will leave it there.

[catfeeder]

Not sure what your business involves, but if it’s social, consider ways you can involve mom. Including her as your company ambassador or hostess might be helpful to all involved.

[Wiseman2]

Who provides her daily care in terms of food, grooming, housekeeping, etc? Why can't you hire someone even if you told your mother it's a housekeeper or companion? It seems you have "constant emergencies" interrupting you because no one has put appropriate care in place. You blame your brother, he dumps her on you. If as you claim everyone else has the healthcare proxy/access to medical info why won't they inform you if you are involved in her care? Does she have advanced directives? A living will? A will? A healthcare proxy? Why aren't these documents in place? You don't need to see an MRI report.

the GP told me mild dementia.

[abitbroken]

Arbitbroken thank you for your thoughts. My mother has had it written on her doctor's notes and the Hospital that she does not want her daughter to have access to her medical records. When Mum first became confused and forgetful I spent a lot of time trying to persuade her to see her doctor. I made appointments, arranged to come and collect her to take her but she would refuse to go. Not deterred, I went to see my own doctor (part of the same practice) to say that I was worried about my mum but they said that there is nothing they can do unless Mum agrees to go to the doctor herself. I kept contacting the doctor, spoke to the doctor regularly but all they would say is that there is nothing they can do. In end, after a lot of persuasion from the doctor speaking to mum on the phone Mum agreed to go for an MRI scan and memory test. Mum did not tell me that she was going for the test and agreed to go in ambulance. I don't know the results of the memory tests because of privacy but the GP told me mild dementia. When it came for the MRI scan mum agreed for me to take her. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was to wait in outside whilst she went in. I waited for two hours. Mum did not tell me about the scan and I took her home. That was the last time she had any tests in 2015. I have pleaded with mum to see her GP for blood tests but she refuses. It was incredibly hurtful to be told by Mum's GP (after all that I'd done to push for a diagnosis) that she did not want her daughter to be told anything. Then Mum's glaucoma started and this meant visits to the Hospital to see the consultant. This involves often a wait of three hours and I have been very happy to do it. However, Mum had made it very clear that she did not want me to come in with her to see the Consultant and that I am to wait outside - this hurt me very much. I just felt like a taxi driver but I accepted and respected Mum's wishes. The next appointment for Mum was when I was on holiday and my sibling and his wife agreed to take Mum. It's a long journey (100 miles) for them, three hour wait and then going home. I was hurt even more when Mum invited my sister-in-law to come in with her to see the Consultant when on the last 5 occasions I have been told to stay outside. I was very hurt by this and refused to have any more involvement in hospital appointments if all I am is a transport service. Mum does not go to see her doctor.

 

I did not 'move my mother' next door to me Abitbroken. My mother is not the sort of person who will move anywhere for anyone, unless that is what she wants to do . Any advice or help that I offer has always been turned down. My mum prefers to go to my sibling for advice on serious matters. My mother moved from her large house when my father died because it was too big for her to look after on her own and she refused to have hired help. She discussed this with my sibling and decided to sell. She handled the sale, arranged removals with my sibling...The house next door to me came on the market and Mum decided she would like to buy it. This was all discussed with my sibling. I was asked if it was okay for mum to move next door me I agree happily. So no 'I did not move my mother next door to me' it was her decision and I just went along with it. Abibroken, I have spent many, many hours with my mother over the past 5 years - going on holidays together (which I have arranged, driven, organised), weekends away, shopping trips...you name it, I have done it! I think I have been a great role model to my children because they have always seen me as their grandmother's carer and support. However, they have all left home to live their lives and rarely come to see their grandmother. Of all of my family, I am the one that has done the most for her. I have helped her with her garden, visited her every week, welcomed her when she has called in to see me, whenever it was, ready with tea and biscuits. She used to come regularly for dinner - every week - she spent Christmas day with me, she had dinner with me recently. As I said, I am doing for my mum than anyone else. I do enjoy my job, I get to meet people. It is a commitment which I am happy to do because I live on my own with few friends and no partner or entertainment. If I do something I have do it on my own there are no friends for me. I have suggested to Mum that she come on holiday with me, weekend away, walk along the beach but it is difficult because she cannot walk very far. I have asked if she would consider a wheelchair so that we can do more together - other than just sitting talking about the same old things (another aspect of Alzheimers) but she refuses because she is worried about 'what people might think' of her being pushed in the wheelchair. Mum doesn't think oh that's great that my daughter still wants to take me on holiday, weekend away, walk along the beach, go to cafe for fish and chips (all of the things that I have suggested recently) she just worries about her image!

 

It's unfortunate that my sibling and his wife don't come and see mum more or invite her to stay their house but they only come every few months, that's the way it is. Mum's day to day welfare, entertainment and social life has largely fallen to me. So I believe I have been a great role model and I certainly would not expect them to worry about me if I should be lucky enough to live to my 90s. I accept my life on my own and do the best I can for my family and me.

 

I think Abitbroken you have gone off topic and focussed on a side issue of Mum's hospital appointments, doctors and general welfare and entertainment.

 

The original post was about Mum's now middle stage Alzheimer's causing her to start hallucinating and being dellusional. She has started searching for my dad and friends - a facet of the disease. We live by a very busy road and I am very concerned that, as she has started falling in the road and people are having to stop, pick up and bring her back to me, she is becoming a danger to herself and others. The fact that she shuts me out of her medical and health care means that I cannot help her. She has not agreed to a Health and Welfare Power of Attorney which means that we cannot use her money to get paid professional care who are specialists in dealing dementia sufferers. She has not agreed for me to have access to her medical records nor can I speak to her doctor. We are stuck in this situation which is now getting very dangerous, stressful and worrying.

 

Thank you for your suggestions, advice and help.

 

I will leave it there.

 

Whether you "moved her there" or not - here she is. That's besides the point, right.

 

You are coming across in your writing that you have a martyr complex - reciting a list of everything you do, how you are not appreciated, how you are such a role model, etc. and write like mom as a martyr.

 

No one is asking you to throw mom a formal tea party or go on a trip -- just pop in every day just for a few minutes. Even if you are just bringing her newspaper from the curb or something of that nature. You can know a lot about mom's well being that way -- just from a few minutes a day -- you can see that she looks happy and put together or is she walking around in an open nightie all day? does her home or she have an odor? just short and sweet and that will curtail the daily "emergencies" .

 

And if you do take your mom to the doctor, although they cannot share medical info, staff has a way of communicating that doesn't violate her rights. A staff member could ask casual questions about her wellbeing to you or they could tell you "your mom might need you to bring the car to the curb, don't worry, you won't get a ticket" when mom won't admit she can't walk across the parking lot.

 

have you butted heads with mom when you were younger? i wonder if she leans on your siblings because there is conflict or just because you are close?