Year and a Half With Long-time Friend

[german_for_a_whales]

Hi, this is my first post. I've been reading around the other postings and you guys seem to dish out some great advice, so I'm hoping to figure out some good strategies by finall getting this out on here. Regarding my background and name, I'm from San Diego and go to UCSD (where we're all big fans of anchorman) and say we go to UCWV (i'll leave the name to you). Now on to my question.

 

In late March, my girlfriend of the last year and a half broke up with me. We've known each other since 1990, our families were close friends, and we grew to be best friends in the year before our relationship, then a spark kicked in and we started dating in August 2003. I'm a second year and she's a senior in high school, she'll be going to the Ivy League in the fall.

 

Being 20, I never really wanted to be in love. Ya know, it's too soon maybe! You want to date around, have some great and crazy times in college, then eventually settle down. But that is stressful too and not really what people look for. However, the answer sometimes has been sitting in front of your face and you never saw it until you opened your eyes, and that's how we got together.

 

We had a great relationship until the last 2 months (more on that later). Shared a lot of first things etc, saw each other everyday, went on a few trips, other great things. Had our fights too and bad moments, and everyone does. But now I'm in a really bad time.

 

Since late January, I started to notice her trying to distance herself from me. I probably pulled a bit too hard, and by late March I could tell she was really removed. I asked "You're not in love anymore, are you," and she just looked at me. She had to leave, I left her a letter, later that night she called and said yes, she wasn't in love anymore, and couldn't tell me that in person. We both cried and cried on the phone. Sad huh. Whole next week though, we saw each other a few times. Went on date type things, we kissed a few times, a bit more too, and maybe looking back that let her down easy. At the end of that week though, we went out to dinner celebrating her college of choice acceptance, she held my hand and kissed me in the car, but at dinner we had a pretty bad time (i was fawning over her apparently) and when we got back to her house she told me to leave. That was pretty rough. I did some serious begging (going to your knees are never good unless proposing marriage or receiving knighthood, for anyone who wants to know) and she ended up telling me she hadn't been in love with me for a month, and would never be again. I was pretty broken up, and had to stay the night at her house actually because her mom after seeing me wouldn't let me drive home. Left the next morning, where she reiterated some of the things we talked about, letting me know that I shouldn't waste my time going after her. That was April 2nd, last time I saw her.

 

Anyways, for the first couple weeks, I broke all the NC rules. I'd call, I'd text, I'd email, blah blah yeah. Looking back, all the wrong moves (I grew obsessive and validated her choice). She's now dating a high school guy who she didn't want to tell me about (break my heart more apparently) but he'll be going to USC, so this won't be a long term relationship, and I hear from a friend of hers that she doesn't love him, he doesn't love her, and it's kind of a relationship where they just use each other for what they need from someone right now. I also hear stuff about her getting around a lot otherwise, and all of her new friends apparently don't like her at all. She's ditched her old friends saying she wants to be with people she doesn't care about so when she leaves for school it won't hurt as bad. Pretty silly philosophy I think but I don't know.

 

So, I love this woman. Silly thing for a college guy to say, but I do. And she doesn't feel the same way anymore. What should I be doing in the interests of getting her to like me again? She has called a couple times, talks to me on the internet still (she initiates), and I lately have been desperately trying to not bring up our relationship or her current one (thats a tough acting job). I'll be in England for the summer, and she'll be back East three days after I get back. What should I be doing right now, in the next few weeks, and the next few months? Any replies/comments are great, thanks for reading all the way to this point fellas.

[ensign_19]

my fla mate is going through exactly what you are. I am not exagerrating - it is exactly the same situation.. he is heartbroken but ithealing takes time. as a woman I can say that I think your ex has moved on and means what she says about not getting back with you however she still wants your friendship, i have been in a similar situation too. it is difficult but try to live for the here and now and develop other interests to distract your mind. love will come again I promise. Best of luck

[sarangeh]

Hello, I have read your post and my heart goes for you. Boy, I wish you're my BF. he hehe. All I can say, is to just let her go as the saying goes, if you love somebody let her go and if she comes back she's yours, that is if there still something to come back for, like if you still love her and all. I think that she still wants to be your friend, and I know its very hard to step a level down from being a boyfriend to being a friend, but being her friend, will probably make her realize how precious it is that she had lost. Coz Im telling you right now, Its not your lost but hers.

[german_for_a_whales]

Alright, two replies so far! yay. I am doing really well I think, in terms of the rest of my life. It took me a long time to get over that initial shock (I probably just got over it this past week, so a month) and to realize life will go on either way. I was seriously getting worse every day finding out new developments with her, and just felt really betrayed, but never angry. For some reason anger isn't really an emotion I've ever felt towards her, because I feel like I really understand her feelings almost all the time. And that's why right now I'm so scared that she means it when she says she never wants to be together again.

 

Things have been tough, but I guess I get along. I went on a date this last weekend, ended up making out with the girl, she wanted to go more but I just had to stop, I was thinking about the last time I was with my ex. Just the way she was kissing me, she didn't know what I liked and how I liked to hold her head and little things like that just felt wrong. And then I wondered about her and her new boyfriend and if she felt the same awkwardness. I'm sure she did at first but has probably gotten over it by now, and if not that she's shoved it back in her emotional closet (she's got a deep one for being just a kid, we both do).

 

When we were friends, it was just so obvious that she liked to get guys who didn't like her, just string em along, play em out and then be done with them when she was bored. I was the first guy that didn't happen to (I lasted much more than a month hah) and she wrote me once that while she had moved past that emotional block in her heart, I hadn't moved on from holding her still a bit from my heart, because I was afraid she would abandon me. And now that I love her through her faults and her problems and my problems, and I miss seeing that little smile she had when she pulls away in her car, things like that that you don't notice that you miss until you try to write them down. And then you realize all the things you really did love. Hopefully today she won't call, so I don't have to be put in the dilemma of whether to pick up the phone and pretend to be happy, or not pick up the phone and have her realize that I'm choosing not to pick it up (she knows I always have it with me).

 

We knew this was going to happen, that we had to break up when she moved away (long distance on the order of 3000 miles at this age doesn't work, maybe even at any age). But I always had thought that we would hold a little bit together, and eventually date again. She knows I felt like that too, and said that wasn't going to happen, and that I shouldn't waste the best years of my life pining after her when she says it won't happen. In a couple years I want to go to law school in Boston, I don't know if I can hold onto a little piece of what I have for her now until then, which is similarly unfair to the girls I'll date in the meantime. But she's really wedged into my heart, and I know with 15 years between us that I'm wedged into hers. And thanks for the compliment Sarangeh, but you wouldn't like me right now because I'd be like the guy in swingers who calls a girl and dishes his life story on her answering machine. And ensign, you believe after all this shes moved on in the sense that I have no hope in terms of a future? Or like pearl jam, present tense. Other comments still helpful too! thanks

[german_for_a_whales]

Its 2 AM (west coast USA) and I'm drunk. This week is our biggest party of the year (UCSD SunGod), so being Tuesday night and the party being Wednesday (Ludacris performing what what) I had to get a tolerance going.

 

I just watched a bunch of Sex and the City episodes while drinking margaritas and champagne with a couple of lady friends. Talk about an epiphany. Women are manipulative and evil. Tonight, I talked to a mutual friend of ours, who is having a tough time with my ex currently as well. When she asked "Why are you abandoning the people who care about you most," she said "I dont care about (him) anymore." That friends is a lie. But, she wants to believe it, so she says it. I am 20 years old! And I care! Why? Because I made the mistake of dating my best friend. And now we'll always have that awful yet beautiful memory of having sex stuck in between us. I don't know how to deal with it. And no, I didn't call her tonight when I thought about 20 times about how much I missed her, or the good memories I had of us, or the awful memories I wish I could apologize both then and now for. And I wish I could say I understand now when she was mad at me. However, no one has replied. Maybe (since a lot of you seem to be Brits) I'll have to wait through the night to see some more responses. Good night.

[german_for_a_whales]

ok, so i made it through the night. what really sucked was waking up at 6:28 AM and just wishing that it was PM, hah. Another day that I wouldn't have to deal with thinking about whether or not she'd call. What am I going through right now? I don't know, a painful chemical withdrawal it seems, almost like a drug addiction. That's what love may be a lot of the time, and I think I only recognized that feeling when I remember back now to the week where we still saw each other sparingly.... the problem with that is then it has the effects of a drug, where your body goes up and down and then your mind can't make a good decision and then to the other person you validate their choice. That might be another good reason for NC, so if you do want them still they don't see you in that altered state. And, no responses maybe its because everyone looking through this believes the first two were adequate enough.

[h_b_k_02]

Listen, NC is hard, for the first couple of days.

 

However, I am once again on day 7. This is my fourth day 7, but whatever.

 

Every time you feel like calling, tell yourself that it won't do any good, why bother starting from scratch again? Believe me, you don't want to go there again.

 

Just leave her alone. Enjoy life and the booze (I am). Treat this as time to do whatever you want with noone to answer to.

 

I remember being in a relationship, having buddies calling to go for drinks, and saying no. Now I can say yes. I wish I could say no, but heck, I'm catching up on time lost with my friends. In the meantime I am moving on, while in the back of my head I know I have more will power than my ex and she will eventually pick up the call.

 

Stay strong. The more or sooner you break NC, the less chance you will ever have at reconciliation. Take it 1 day at a time and you will manage.

[german_for_a_whales]

Here's a letter she wrote me once. It's difficult to read it sometimes because I know underneath her cold surface right now, she has a heart that really feels. Kinda like we're Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker in Return, "I feel the good in you, the conflict." Anyways, this was Valentine's Day.

 

Dear german_for_a_whales(haha not really)

It was hard for me to wrte this letter because I wanted to make it sweet, something profound in a way you would appreciate. So I decided to write with utmost honesty, a tactic which I think you (being the (my family name) man you are) will appreciate.

I love you. I love that you feel for other people. I love that you cry in movies (making me feel much less embarrassed for crying too). I love your old fashioned gentlemanly ways. I love your blisfful otpimistic views of the world. I love your INCREDIBLE capacity to retain all sorts of information and be so knowledgable on so many different, one could say random (inside joke) subjects. I love it when you laugh. I love that you take the time to self-introspect. I love that you read. I love your rapist wit. And I've always loved your smell.

This was a hard letter for me to write because I know that I will not always have these things about you that I love so much. I have you now but in the words of some famous writer, "our time my dear, is fleeting." We both know that our relationship will come to an end. We weill not end up married at the end of this. We won't be together 10 years from now and I won't always be able to bite you whenever I want to. But I WILL Always Love You. No matter how old and how far away from each other we may be, no matter how long it may have been since I've seen you last, I will honestly always love you That's my point, while all of the realities of our fleeting time may at first seem antagonistic, what I'm trying to show you is that I think they are actually the epitome of romanticism. Because love isn't lust. It isn't the infatuation that I think most people our age feel for each other and mistake for love. I love you because I will always remember you and care about you no matter where we are in our lives, both physically and emotionally. You're an extremely wonderful boy (name) and I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say in the most romantic way. I love you (name).

 

oh my goodness. and I have to continue NC with this, haha. she is going away though, and so am I. What do I do? maybe this letter might give some advice into the relationship and ideas as to how to proceed.

[german_for_a_whales]

Umm, is there anything else I should be doing? I still really get in hysterics thinking about her, I've always been a worrywart. Maybe because I'm just a kid no one really has much advice for me other than go date a new chick.

[german_for_a_whales]

an old friend of mine told me tonight that if i really love her, i have to try one last time, but i dont know when or how. I really do, and I don't know what to do. went to an honors banquet tonight for UCSD, the speakers talked a lot about passion to find what we loved and the ability to change lives and people... I'm really scared for me, for her, and what I hear she's doing. I miss her incredibly, today I went to the cliffs where we used to hang out and tried to write, I just ended up crying. What to do... still NC.

[german_for_a_whales]

i think about something she told me a year ago. When she thinks shes going to lose someone, she starts distancing herself from them so it doesn't hurt as bad when ti does happen. I'm going to leave her physical presense because of the distance, I wonder if that's why she's put up all these things between us. Someone please help me with ideas as to what to do other than maybe continuing NC, I'm afraid that with this girl that might just reinforce the boundaries between us, I don't know. Maybe this is just a redundant qualifier, but I haven't been able to say it to anyone it seems like in forever, I love her with all my heart. It especially hurts not being able to tell her and see her reaction to it.

[h_b_k_02]

I believe you might read too much into what she said about distancing when she thinks she is going to lose someone.

 

We have spoken, and you mentioned you have know her an EXTREMELY long time, your families are tight, etc. etc. I think she would have the common sense to know you aren't just going to go away over night, even with NC.

 

I'm not sure to be honest, in this case. I know if I knew someone for 10+ years, I wouldn't let them go if they were at any point extremely close to them, aside from maybe a breaking of the trust.

 

I too would like to hear what other people have to say on this matter, because it sounds like you are where I was at a good month or 2 ago.

[german_for_a_whales]

yeah hbk, i know. we were really tight, always talked about how incredibly close we were and how hard it was going to be to live on the other side of the country. the kind of girl where you dont even care about how pretty another girl is anymore, that doesnt matter at this point. ive just been freaking out for a month, and she has no idea, and doesnt appear to want to help, and shes just being completely different from anyway ive ever known her. looking for advice of all

[german_for_a_whales]

Could I get maybe some other opinions? That'd be great, not disparaging on anyone, but if anyone else has advice to give, or more questions to ask, I'd be all ears. We had one little break up very early on where she had considered us broken up but I didnt and I was incredibly sweet to her after she told me we were broken up for the next few days. But this time it's been a month and a half, I just don't know what to do! help.

[german_for_a_whales]

do i need to pay people for advice or something? heh.

 

had an interesting day of events, heard from her friend that she didn't want to tell her new boyfriend she loved him because of what she told me (we dated for a year and a half and she loved me before that anyway), and also that apparently I treated her badly in the last couple months and that her new guy treats her a lot better... I really don't know how that's possible, but I bet she really loves the attention he can give her being a lot closer. any ideas? sounds like just disappearing act time to me, i dunno.

[german_for_a_whales]

204 views and 3 replies... is this a product of the complexity? or just no advice at all.

[RayKay]

I just read your post, have not read any other posts if you had them, but I think that all I can say is you really need to let her go. She knows she needs to do this...she probably is telling the truth that she loves you, but she knows she needs to move on as hard as it is.

 

I was her once, I just finished high school, and the fall after before I started university I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. At time I was not very great about it, but I had no real reasons why I had to do it, I just did because I needed to move forward with my life. It was terribly hard, I did love him greatly and we had gone through so much. But we were different people, going different ways. I knew it could not go on forever. I knew I would not marry him, I knew I needed to be alone and grow. I still think about him sometimes, and hope he is doing well - I know I broke his heart and that hurts, and I only hope that he managed to heal and even hate me if that is what was required. I did apologize a year later and we spoke briefly, but did not talk very much after that, and he moved away last I heard. I have changed a lot since then and grown up...and while he may never know it, he did make an impact on me, and I learned a lot from him and that experience. I had to let him go so he could go HIS own way and grow himself. I will always care about him, and I do hope he is well now - he was a good natured, beautiful person inside and out, but we were just not right for one another in that way. I was not ready to say forever yet.

 

You do need to let her go.....maybe in time there will be friendship again, but she knows she needs to do this for her, to be on her own and maybe because she knows that she cannot give you what you hope for with her, and is setting you free so you CAN find someone who can.

[h_b_k_02]

RayKay, to be perfectly honest, what you said does not make a whole lot of sense to me.

 

You still care for him, but to break up with someone you love truly makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

People put too much energy into thinking about whether or not they can "see" themselves marrying their boy/girlfriend. Whatever happened to taking things as they come, living day by day and seeing what happens?

 

It really makes no sense to me. If you love someone, why break up with them in the first place if there was not a real good reason (such as cheating) to do so?

[RayKay]

RayKay, to be perfectly honest, what you said does not make a whole lot of sense to me.

 

You still care for him, but to break up with someone you love truly makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

People put too much energy into thinking about whether or not they can "see" themselves marrying their boy/girlfriend. Whatever happened to taking things as they come, living day by day and seeing what happens?

 

It really makes no sense to me. If you love someone, why break up with them in the first place if there was not a real good reason (such as cheating) to do so?

 

It makes sense to me. I was 18 years old, I had been with him since I was 15 and a half. I loved him at the time, but now even now know that love was not healthy for me. I was suffering low self esteem, I was not growing anymore. It was not healthy for me, or for him. I gave too much of my life up to be with him, no longer spoke for who I was. I loved him, but not to capacity that one should love, and I couldn't as I did not love myself yet. And I did not truly know what it should be like all I knew was it was not that.

 

We were going different ways - I was going on to school, he was dropping out, he loved me, but not healthily. HE wanted to marry me...I was not ready..how could I enjoy day to day when pressure was there to marry him and I knew I could not? I WAS living day by day until day I realized we were not right for one another. I had given so much up for him and too him, and settled for too much which was not fair to me either.

 

There was plenty of good reasons for me, there is more to making a relationship work and be healthy then just "not cheating".

 

Years later I found the man I do want to be with without a doubt - who is RIGHT, and I cannot regret anything now, there was a reason I moved on. Without moving on I would never of known true love, plain and simple NOR would I have become who I am today.

 

It really makes no sense to me. If you love someone, why break up with them in the first place if there was not a real good reason (such as cheating) to do so?

 

Sometimes love is not everything. Sometimes we don't love truly plain and simple. We are with someone hoping they change because we love them. You cannot force something that is not there.

 

If it was as simple as there being "no good reason" far less people would break up - my ex would not have broken up with me! But, most would not be HAPPY. Unless you move on from an unhealthy situation where you know you need to move, you never find out just how wonderful love SHOULD be.

 

You CANNOT force feelings, just because you love someone and want to be with them does not mean they owe it to you to feel the same.

 

When things are right, there is no doubt you want to be with them forever, plain and simple. There is a difference between caring for someone and loving them in that caring way, and being IN love and ready to share your life with. If you already know you CAN'T be with them anymore, now or future, why would you FORCE it to happen? THAT does not make sense to me. Too many people stick to people whom they think will change, or that things will change...but they don't. How is that fair to EITHER of the people in the relationship?

[german_for_a_whales]

Did you guys talk raykay? I haven't with her now for two weeks, it breaks my heart every minute still... and I know I can't go say a word because that could just make whatever we had that much worse. It's been almost two months, I still want to call and just say I love you but can't. Her graduation is in a month, she leaves for europe the next day, I leave for england before she comes back, she leaves for school a few days after I come home. and shes said how awful it will be that we dont get to spend the summer together. I dont know what to do. She was my best friend beforehand, she wants to be close again (as friends I assume) someday, but I don't know how to do it right now, in the future, or how to just wait for a call or if I should call and say everything I feel still or what.

[german_for_a_whales]

and by letting go, im not sure what that means sometimes... we've known each other for so long, its like im losing the only thing i have ever really loved (friend or otherwise)...

 

i dont know what moving on means from someone you love this much. even now, when I know shes with another person, and doing everything she can to run away, no anger, no malice, just... you know what you're missing.

[RayKay]

I can definitely empathize with your pain.

 

I don't still talk to that ex no, but my last ex who broke up with me left for the reasons of "needing to be single" and basically I just was not the one. It hurt terribly, but we did manage to become friends again - it was difficult but we BOTH worked to be friends - and that would be needed in your case to. Before you get there you need to heal.

 

By letting go, it means learning to accept that she has made her choices for certain reasons you may never understand, but then that just means she is not the right person for you. It does not happen overnight, nor is it easy. It means letting go to trust in a new future, and having faith that you will find love again, that there are others out there whom can surpass even what you had with her - because they will know they want to be with you and return every ounce of love you give them.

[german_for_a_whales]

i cant let her go. its been almost two months, and every morning i wake up wanting to talk to her, every night i go to sleep wondering what shes doing. she always wanted to date a lot... and i wanted to let her before i realized what i was going to lose. and now that its gone i dont really want to do anything but have her find her way home. i don't know how to move forward. Surpass this love? I don't know. i think about 4 years of her at school and all the lucky people who just get to be in her company, and it makes me sick knowing i have to go through life without her. thats how i feel, and what shes told me to get over.

[RayKay]

i cant let her go. its been almost two months, and every morning i wake up wanting to talk to her, every night i go to sleep wondering what shes doing. she always wanted to date a lot... and i wanted to let her before i realized what i was going to lose. and now that its gone i dont really want to do anything but have her find her way home. i don't know how to move forward. Surpass this love? I don't know. i think about 4 years of her at school and all the lucky people who just get to be in her company, and it makes me sick knowing i have to go through life without her. thats how i feel, and what shes told me to get over.

 

I know its hard to believe, but you are not the first to go through this heartbreak and heal and move on. But you need to trust in TIME. Two months is still very early on.

 

My last ex, it took me months to get over him and move on, I finally "woke up" one day and realized I was exhausting myself over someone who no longer wanted me, and knew I deserved better.

 

Another partner I had - a bf of five years - died suddenly and it took me a year to "heal" though I had begun dating before I healed fully. Be fortunate in your case that her presense is still in this world and many will be lucky in the future to know her.

 

You can't rush healing. It takes its own time. And you won't believe it now as you are still too into it, but it will happen, and you will move on to even more. You are still very young to believe that she was the best and last - there is more out there for you. Trust me that because she did not return the same feelings you gave her she was NOT the one for you - at least not now. Love is true when both give each other what they receive, and when everything fits without doubt.

[german_for_a_whales]

ive known her my entire conscious life. maybe thats why its so hard.