Devastated after 6 year relationship ending - ex is already dating

[Evie25]

Thank you everyone so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

[catfeeder]

Yes, everyone is saying the no contact thing and it must be for a reason. I wanted to be there for each other during the breakup, but I seem to be the one suffering the most.

 

You're learning the hard way that an ex cannot serve as a therapeutic device for grief from the breakup. They're the last person you need in order to stabilize and 'normalize' a new life beyond that person. Head high, most of us have made this mistake. Consider it a learning experience, and focus instead on making good memories for friends and family while you're unable to enjoy much yourself. It will prevent them from worrying about you, and your focus on THEM instead of yourself will lift you UP instead of allowing you to drill yourself down. You'll thank yourself later.

[lark265]

I've only been in a few relationships, but I tend to feel things very deeply and have always been sensitive/emotional. My recent break up has completely wrecked me. My ex and I dated around six years, but broke up at three times in between. I have never quite understood the power he has over me and why I am so drawn to him, although he is very self assured and driven and doesn't overthink like me. I suspect my daddy issues and his qualities that I don't have might be partially why I feel addicted to him like a drug. I know I love him, but there is also something else going on because I have never been incredibly happy with him. I like to communicate and talk things out and he was never willing to really do so with me and wouldn't go to therapy, so I struggled with feeling very alone in the relationship. He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally, though the sexual chemistry was very strong and we went on some great trips. The last time we got back together we decided to try to have kids - we had always wanted kids, but this time it was just more of a clear goal as I was 37 and he was 44. I moved back in with him and bought a car to be in the suburbs with him and we started trying to have kids. After about five months, he told me that he changed his mind about having kids because he feels he's getting too old (almost 45). I was crushed as I moved back in thinking that he was committed to having kids and our relationship has been very exhausting in the past with us breaking up multiple times. He said that he was incredibly sad as well about changing his mind as he always wanted kids, but that he couldn't help feeling his time had passed for having kids. I ended up moving out again a month ago and it was a horrible experience with me crying while I was packing and him telling me that he wants me to be happy and that if I stayed I would just be resentful. I mentioned adoption, but then he said that we would have to be married for that and he was never too keen on marriage. It's been a month since I moved out and I am still completely heartbroken and can't even think about dating other guys. We agreed to remain friends so keep in touch (he told me that he is not an easy person to get along with and that he has never had an amicable breakup and that he loves me and wants us to at least remain friends). I recently found out that he started dating weeks after I left. I am completely crushed by this and can't get it out of my mind. I don't understand how he can date and move on so quickly when I can barely get through the day. I'm hurting so badly and am repulsed by the thought of myself dating so soon and don't intend to because it would not be the right move for me. He said I am very dear to him and always will be in that he will always love me. I just cannot comprehend how he can date so soon after we ended and have a lump in my throat the entire day just thinking about it. I don't know what to do to get over the hurt - I'm trying to keep myself busy and it's just so incredibly painful. I just don't understand why he has this hold over me and why I feel like I would do anything and sacrifice all of my needs just to be with him. It's this sick twisted thing. I am seeing a therapist and working through it, but I am just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and has any advice.

 

ThnNks so much for your post. Very honest, courageous. Basically you described the end stage of my relationships also. When I am in the relationship, many times I just want to be out. It's horrible. I know that deep down it's something that I have to face - and I am seeing a therapist. But what I really resonated with is your "pain." For me, breakup pain is just not bearable. You seemed to describe it very well, and I am sorry that you are going through that right now. The feeling is agony. All I wanted was to BE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. That would fix it. So I obsessed about her, and how it would be when we got back together. I was sort of an amateur stalker. Parking on the street near her house for hours. Obsessing about to call/not call. Pain. But I guess that pain wasn't bad enough because I did the same thing again, and again.....I see that I am a sex/love/relationship addict. When I can't access the "drug" (her) I agonize. Only one thing will make it better. I wish I had just given myself "permission" to be in that much pain. I can see that it was really "OK" that I was going through that Hell. Maybe you ocan give yourself permission to exist in that pain right now.....

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships and moving in/out is sheer chaos. Give yourself more credit and less labels. Instead be glad you are financially free of this indecisiveness and roller coaster. Now that he is gone and you are free, after a while you can start meeting and dating decent men who aren't this indifferent, superficial and generate this much instability, drama and pain in your life. Continue therapy. Stay no contact and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

I suspect my daddy issues

He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally

I was crushed as I moved back in thinking that he was committed to having kids and our relationship has been very exhausting in the past with us breaking up multiple times.

[Evie25]

ThnNks so much for your post. Very honest, courageous. Basically you described the end stage of my relationships also. When I am in the relationship, many times I just want to be out. It's horrible. I know that deep down it's something that I have to face - and I am seeing a therapist. But what I really resonated with is your "pain." For me, breakup pain is just not bearable. You seemed to describe it very well, and I am sorry that you are going through that right now. The feeling is agony. All I wanted was to BE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. That would fix it. So I obsessed about her, and how it would be when we got back together. I was sort of an amateur stalker. Parking on the street near her house for hours. Obsessing about to call/not call. Pain. But I guess that pain wasn't bad enough because I did the same thing again, and again.....I see that I am a sex/love/relationship addict. When I can't access the "drug" (her) I agonize. Only one thing will make it better. I wish I had just given myself "permission" to be in that much pain. I can see that it was really "OK" that I was going through that Hell. Maybe you ocan give yourself permission to exist in that pain right now.....

 

Sorry for just responding, haven't been on here in a while. You describe the agony very well and I also relate to everything you said minus the amateaur stalker part :) I wanted out of the relationship so badly while I was in it and would even secretly hope that he would cheat on me so that he would be happy, but I would have a "legit" reason to get escape. Pathetic, I know and cowardly. The pain of losing him is so severe it's indescribable, but you seem to know. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm sure I am a relationship addict as well as I have an addictive personality. Right now I am just letting myself feel the pain for the most part. I'm sorry you went through this too. How long did it take you to get over?

[Evie25]

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships and moving in/out is sheer chaos. Give yourself more credit and less labels. Instead be glad you are financially free of this indecisiveness and roller coaster. Now that he is gone and you are free, after a while you can start meeting and dating decent men who aren't this indifferent, superficial and generate this much instability, drama and pain in your life. Continue therapy. Stay no contact and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

Yes, it is sheer chaos and I am so very exhausted. I'm just so upset because I just turned 38 and now probably won't have kids, but I need to chill out and heal. I stopped communicating with him as much (it's down to a minimum) and am working on getting there with the no contact. Still seeing my therapist.