Those who have messaged an ex who wronged you, how did it go?

[Manonajourney]

While it's of course preferable to end things on respectful terms it's important to know that that's not how one buries the hatchet. I've had four longterm relationships in my 39 years of life, two ending in an almost movie version of respect and understanding, two ending in, well, a movie version of drama. Honestly, at the end of the day they're all kind of the same: a hatchet to the heart that gets buried over time, not by "one last" exchange that cues the credits.

 

But, hey, you asked for some stories so I'll share something that might be relevant.

 

My most recent ex and I? Ooof. Nasty end. Details are irrelevant at this point, but suffice to say she didn't behave very well toward the end and I got plenty of that "I hate you" energy—not just in the tailspin at the end, but in odd little texts after the breakup. I ended it, because I just don't deal with bs long, and cut contact from day one. But I wrestled with it all for months—first the hurt and loss, later the frustration you're experiencing, of just not being able to hit one note of respect together. It was in those spins that I discovered this special little haven of the interwebs, like many here.

 

But I knew—the way you now know, and also because I'd been to a lot of rodeos—that there was no point. So I did my thing, felt, flailed, posted here once or twice, moved forward, and eventually, as always happens, I was on the other side. Stopped caring how we left things because it was over, processed, metabolized. I'm all about forgiveness and good vibes, and so when I thought of her—and when I think of her, like writing this post—I've got only good vibes. Was what it was, past is past, lots of fun, plenty of weirdness, good lessons, blah blah. I hope she's out there living a great life, fully of joy, truly.

 

Anyhow, my cat died a few months ago and she emailed me. Standard cordial condolences, standard thank you in response. She then kind of tired to get into things—it's been two years—with what was basically the same clumsy mix of sweet and sour I've long moved on from. I cut it off, very gently, just saying that all that matters is that we're both doing well and that I hope she is. She said thanks, she was, and that was that.

 

Want to know how that felt? Irrelevant. Not bad, not good, just...whatever. Like, I've spent more time thinking about it writing this post for you than I did in my life out there in the 3D world. And why? Because the hatchet got buried, on my own, as you're still burying yours. It takes time. That's okay. Forward steps, not backward.

 

Reaching out to her is a backward step, no matter what story you tell. If you're meant to be friends—I've got some exes who I'm friendly with, including one of those nuclear breakups—it'll happen. If you're meant to have this exchange, it'll happen. It just will, in time. Real time, when the chess game is totally done. Right now you're still playing chess, and that's okay. Takes a while to let go, and takes a few rodeos to really learn the importance of it. Maybe this is yours.

 

Find the respect and forgiveness you're seeking inside of you—for her, for you, for what you shared, good and bad—and lean into that. It's real, even if you don't get to share it. You don't need her validation anymore for anything to be real.

 

You're close. It's sweet. Keep getting closer.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write out this response. It was very well said and it clearly shows that you've acquired a lot of wisdom over the years through your past relationships. I will not take the backwards steps and reach out to this ex. I will continue working on learning to find the forgiveness I seek inside of me. And if i'm ever meant to cross paths with her one day in the future in any capacity, I will be be ready.

[Manonajourney]

Wanted to thank everyone for taking the time and effort to provide me with advice about my predicament. As I mentioned, I will not be contacting my ex and trying to "bury the hatchet".

 

As some suggested, I don't believe I have that much of an issue with what others think of me. The only reason I'd given so much thought to my ex and still care about her opinion is because I sometimes have difficulty separating the fond memories of her with her actions in the end. I have dated a few people and she was by far the kindest, most considerate, and one I got on with well the most. I never would have imagined that she was the type to lie to me consistently and leave for someone else, especially considering how quickly everything had happened. It didn't make sense to me and even now there are times where I think that there must be a mistake because who she is now isn't in line with who I remember.

 

But I also believe, like others have mentioned, that it's only a matter of time before I realize that she always had the potential to be like this, or get to the point of indifference where I truly no longer care. I understand that people change, and that's okay. This whole ordeal will change me too. And I know now that I have no impact or right anymore to try and change what my ex thinks of me. Even if her actions weren't right or don't make sense to me. The only power I have is to change and improve upon myself.

 

Thanks everyone once again for helping me see things objectively. This will hopefully be my last post about her, and will serve as one of the first steps I will take to fully move on and find happiness again.

[Ebony111]

Hello, sorry to “reopen” this thread but I just wanted to find out if you ever did contact her and if so how it went? I’m in a similar situation (although the break up was 7 weeks ago) and urge to message is strong but I’m trying not to.

[smJackson]

Dont reach out to an ex. I chose to tell my ex how I felt about something's he said and did to me that hurt me during the last week that I was in his life. All he did was deny, project and "attempt" to gaslight me and recreate my reality about the abuse. Typical with narcissists though- they are always right and they justify their abuse. He didnt feel bad for what he did and said to me because in his mind I deserved to be tortured and mistreated. And that's why I had broken up with him 8 months prior. No apology from him sealed the deal.

 

So of course, minutes after he blamed me for the abuse, he tried to sleep with me, and he had a girlfriend and tried to lie like he didnt. I feel so sorry for her because she has no idea of the lying, cheating, old, receding hair line ass dude that she's dealing with. Confronting him was useless. When I rejected his sexual advances, his vindictive ass tried to get revenge on me by contacting my arch enemy and trying to stir up trouble for me. She contacted me and we argued at first, but just yesterday we became cool again. So his plans at revenge backfired yet again- and just confirmed why seeking closure never works. I had tried to find some good in an evil, resentful vindictive person- which was all just a waste of time.

 

Exes are exes for a reason. They never would've hurt you if they really cared. And if they ever try to reenter your life, remember the hurt, loneliness and abandonment that you felt while still with them. That will keep you from wanting to seek closure. Give it to yourself. I hope you heal.