I think I like a man 20+ years older than me

[emmybuns0610]

You said when YOUR roommate attacked you.

ANd no - he should not be your muscle - you should call the campus authorities or cops in that case.

He should NOT be mixing with students if he is not someone who belongs on campus.

 

Do you understand what codependency is?

you don't if you just simply say "oh no, he is not"

He is making you responsible for his sobriety emotionally by telling you "you are the reason" for him not drinking.

 

I am not saying he doesn't deserve happiness - but that doesn't mean he should be dating YOU --if is 14 months sober - then he needs to stay that way and not get entangled with you at this particular point. And at one side, you admit he messed up, and on the other you say he didn't do anything - he didn't lose his home or family. Listen, if someone is in a sober living facility, they hit rock bottom. Because he is telling a young girl he only has known a short time that she is his reason for being sober -- he has not gotten passed the hump to say "oh he made mistakes and the past is the past". He is not out of the woods of relapse.

 

If you want someone to collect rent with you - take an uncle. Or send a certified letter in the mail so you have a paper trail. Do not get this guy further involved as your protector

I know he doesnt need someone to be sober. He doesnt say that I'm the reason hes sober, I wouldnt let him put that responsibility on me because I'm not sober. I see how strong he is against doing drugs. We also do not live on campus. At this point you're making assumptions. Student housing here doesnt require you to be on campus or even a student. I'm not a student. It's essentially a house near campus that you rent a room and share the kitchen. I live in 1 out of 8 of the houses I manage. Even if I wasnt attracted to him, he would still be my muscle. He has been for almost a year. Hes admitted to hitting rock bottom, you dont have to lose everything to hit rock bottom. The way you make sober living sound is that it's not the person's choice to be a part of it, but it definately is and the success rate is 90 times more positive when it is the persons choice to live sober. You don't even have to hit rock bottom to chose to live in sober living

[SherrySher]

Do you not have any better choices for a date? There has got to be someone out there who is a better choice than a man who is this sick due to drugs and alcohol and is in this bad of a place.

Why wouldn't you choose someone more healthy and in a better place? Are you having a difficult time finding better?

[emmybuns0610]

Do you not have any better choices for a date? There has got to be someone out there who is a better choice than a man who is this sick due to drugs and alcohol and is in this bad of a place.

Why wouldn't you choose someone more healthy and in a better place? Are you having a difficult time finding better?

Hes not sick due to drugs and alcohol. Again. Assumptions. It's not looking for a date. Like I said, I have options. You're trying to make both of us sound desperate and it's not appreciated.

[abitbroken]

I know he doesnt need someone to be sober. He doesnt say that I'm the reason hes sober, I wouldnt let him put that responsibility on me because I'm not sober. I see how strong he is against doing drugs. We also do not live on campus. At this point you're making assumptions. Student housing here doesnt require you to be on campus or even a student. I'm not a student. It's essentially a house near campus that you rent a room and share the kitchen. I live in 1 out of 8 of the houses I manage. Even if I wasnt attracted to him, he would still be my muscle. He has been for almost a year. Hes admitted to hitting rock bottom, you dont have to lose everything to hit rock bottom. The way you make sober living sound is that it's not the person's choice to be a part of it, but it definately is and the success rate is 90 times more positive when it is the persons choice to live sober. You don't even have to hit rock bottom to chose to live in sober living

 

How could we possibly know "student housing" doesn't mean "on campus". Don't discount the heart of the advice.

 

The worst thing for someone who is not sober (you) is to find someone else with an alcohol problem (him) -- even if he temporarily is not drinking for the past 14 months. If you are not sober, the last thing you need is to be involved with someone who is in recovery for the same thing you should be in recovery for. Its like two gamblers falling in love and then wondering why they are homeless because of their gambling debt. you are going to date him because people say not to -- you say he deserves happiness -- well then after more time being sober he should be with a woman who has never had a problem with alcohol or drugs and you should seek the same in a man.

 

Yes, if someone's choice is to live sober, that's great - but to live in a group home for people living sober and graduating from it is another matter.

 

Really-- i think you are out to just prove Grandpa wrong -- to be an alcoholic who does not want to be sober who finds a man who is inapprorpriately older to date. Why not just get sober yourself?

 

Men who go after much younger women do so because they can't pull the wool over the eyes of women their age.

[emmybuns0610]

How could we possibly know "student housing" doesn't mean "on campus". Don't discount the heart of the advice.

 

The worst thing for someone who is not sober (you) is to find someone else with an alcohol problem (him) -- even if he temporarily is not drinking for the past 14 months. If you are not sober, the last thing you need is to be involved with someone who is in recovery for the same thing you should be in recovery for. Its like two gamblers falling in love and then wondering why they are homeless because of their gambling debt. you are going to date him because people say not to -- you say he deserves happiness -- well then after more time being sober he should be with a woman who has never had a problem with alcohol or drugs and you should seek the same in a man.

 

Yes, if someone's choice is to live sober, that's great - but to live in a group home for people living sober and graduating from it is another matter.

 

Really-- i think you are out to just prove Grandpa wrong -- to be an alcoholic who does not want to be sober who finds a man who is inapprorpriately older to date. Why not just get sober yourself?

 

Men who go after much younger women do so because they can't pull the wool over the eyes of women their age.

I never said I wasnt sober.

[abitbroken]

I never said I wasnt sober.

 

Um.. yes you did

 

He doesnt say that I'm the reason hes sober, I wouldnt let him put that responsibility on me because I'm not sober.

[emmybuns0610]

Um.. yes you did

I'm not stone cold sober. Do I have a beer or cocktail every now and then? Yes but I'm not out of control by any means. I cant remember the last time I drank.

[IAmFCA]

Know this -- your grandpa will find out.

The 20+ years between you and the pleasure you take in tweaking your grandpa suggest that this budding relationship will peak and then burn out, and as you seem destined to take this journey, my advice is to live in the moment. No future ideation, no goals and dreams.

 

I haven't read all of the posts, but I am assuming you are 18 or over. If younger, just, No.

[Jibralta]

Hes not being co dependent.

 

No, YOU are the codependent, dear. You have it reversed.

 

It's your life. Do what you want. But at least get the facts straight and be informed.

 

Dating someone older than you will not make up for you being misinformed and/or naive.

[IAmFCA]

Know this -- your grandpa will find out.

The 20+ years between you and the pleasure you take in tweaking your grandpa suggest that this budding relationship will peak and then burn out, and as you seem destined to take this journey, my advice is to live in the moment. No future ideation, no goals and dreams.

 

I haven't read all of the posts, but I am assuming you are 18 or over. If younger, just, No.

 

(Adding what I had tried to include but I posted too soon)

 

Of course you can live your life as you choose, OP. You are free to date whom you want, and you don't your grandfathers or your boss' permission to do so.

 

The consequences are yours, too. That is how it works: you make your choice,you bear the consequences.

 

One or both of you may lose your jobs; your family may express concern, disapproval, judgment, and rejection. They are free to do all of those things while loving you fully.

 

I don't know why you have the desire to hurt your grandfather in this way. Even if he earned it, it remains self destructive and indulgent and a bad idea.