Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married

[KenyaJune10]

Work on yourself first, so you can be clear.

 

You are not in a place of feeling love for anyone, actually. i would seek psychotherapy, which offers an approach similar to what helped me.

 

Also, I would read about avoidant attachment style and also about codependency. Those topics may trigger some ideas to help you sort out your experiences.

 

Thank you everyone. I will take to heart your suggestions (in weak moments I will come back to this thread) and will certainly go to a therapist - I'm all for optimal mental health. The attachment styles are interesting. I thought I was pretty securely attached but I do seem somewhat dismissive.

[Wiseman2]

What are "his flaws"? Is he slovenly or rude or out of shape or poorly groomed? Or are your cheating ways still nagging at you that there may be exciting temptations out there to compensate for a dull boring existence?

 

This dilemma is entirely about you, not your ex bf or your husband's "flaws". Therefore only therapy can help this.

Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .

[KenyaJune10]

What are "his flaws"? Is he slovenly or rude or out of shape or poorly groomed? Or are your cheating ways still nagging at you that there may be exciting temptations out there to compensate for a dull boring existence?

 

This dilemma is entirely about you, not your ex bf or your husband's "flaws". Therefore only therapy can help this.

 

My husband is a great guy. He's very thoughtful and polite so no he's not rude. He short, and overweight (he does work out). He is not very affectionate like he used be. to be - holding my hand, cuddling. I wish that he was more intimate - not even talking about sex. In all seriousness as I'm answering question and writing more in the post I've seen that:

1. the ex is def a no go

2. I need therapy to understand myself

3. My husband and I can have a thriving relationship and I can stay married because I do love my husband

4.We will go (and have been planning to go) to marriage counseling even if for preventive measures.

 

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me!

[Metaltwin70]

'..2. I need therapy to understand myself'

 

No you don't.. Based on what you posted, the reason why your ex is on your mind so much is that you've never been in love with your husband. You've never fancied or wanted him the way one does an intimate partner, you basically settled for him because he was there and available. Your feelings for your husband are those one would have for a very dear friend. No amount of therapy can change this.

 

What you do is up to you. I know that I couldn't live a lie like this, not for anything. I wish you all the best.