Dating a married person

[guy40az]

After reading that last post I just had to ask is there anyone that thinks it is ok to date a married person?

[Hope75]

Absolutely not.

 

Not only by doing this are you settling for someone who cannot and will not give you 100% of thier attention and affection, but you are disrespecting vows that person took with someone else, to love and honor that person. Imagine you yourself taking those vows with someone only to find out that they are also sleeping with/dating someone else. Kind of like a kick in the pants, huh?

 

It's a proverbial Pandora's box that should not be opened.

[guy40az]

I totally agree hope75 I just can't believe some of the post on here talking about how they met this wonderful person and she is married but we have so much in common I really want to keep seeing her and then they ask for advice on what to do. It is just totally unbelievable.

 

I have no clue why you would even think about dating a married person you have to know that they are going to do the same thing to you or are people that naive thinking that that person won't cheat on them. I don't know I guess I just needed to vent

[sonjam]

definitely NOT!!

 

you can never build your own happiness on another person's sorrow.

[DN]

No it is not alright. And IMO the person dating the married person is as much in the wrong.

[providentielle]

DN, how can the person dating the married person be as much in the wrong? I dont agree with people doing this but I do think the one who is married or in a relationship is more at fault than the person who is single.

[shes2smart]

While the single person who dates a married person is doing something that's incredibly stupid, it is not the single person's responsibility to uphold the married person's commitment. The full responsibility of living up to that commitment falls on the person who made that commitment in the first place -- the married person.

 

The single person's responsibility is to him/herself. If the single person is trying to be a "good person"/decent human being, part of that is not taking what isn't yours. You wouldn't help yourself to someone else's car just because you wanted it.

 

If the married person is in an "open marriage", that's a different story. Unfortunately, there are a lot of instances where one spouse claims it's an open marriage which is news to the other spouse. In a truly open marriage, both spouses are aware of and consent to what the other spouse does. It's not the inclusion of another person that does the damage to a relationship....it's the lying, betrayal of trust, and disrespect in sneaking around behind someone's back that destroys it.

[RayKay]

Absolutely not. I honestly believe that the person who knowingly gets involved with someone married/in a relationship is as guilty as the person who is supposed to remain faithful. Reason being they are still playing a part in ruining the lives of others - granted they did not *make that commitment* and the unfaithful person can still be unfaithful with someone else if not them, but in my opinion you should be very aware you are also hurting another person, and possibly children as well. How would you feel if it was turned the other way?

 

We all have a responsibility to yes ourselves, but what happened also to respecting other human beings as well in that process and in this case that would mean the marriage, the partners and children of that married/involved person.

 

Not only all the above...but how could you ever trust that person if they did leave their partner for you - the chances are high that they would do the same thing to you, because often it is not about you as a person, or their previous partner, it is about their own failings, inabilities to commit, need to follow temptations, disrespect and so on.

 

So in sum, hands off other people's partners and have some more respect for yourself, and those relationships. There are too many single, available, fantastic people out there to have to get involved with a married/attached one. Don't try and lure them out of their marriages/relationships - if they choose to dissolve it independent of your influence and then you start something, that is one thing, but DON'T actively play a part in that. Karma does come around in the end.

[SpyGames]

i was about to fall for another man's wife...but i had to control myself...it took a lot...i basically stayed away from her.......its not right...it sounds easy to say and a lot harder to live by....since i have no problems getting girls...i decided to pursue another........

 

 

 

 

"the luckiest man on earth is the one that finds true love"

-----------taken from dracula the movie with gary oldman

[shes2smart]

Just to clarify....I never said the single person was in the right or not at fault...just that their responsibility (and thereforeeee the area where they go wrong) is different than that of the married person. No one, single or married, has the responsibility to hold up someone else's commitment. Respect someone else's commitment, yes...but make them stick to it, no.

 

Where the single person dating a married person starts to get into ethical issues is in the areas described in the quoted post, and alluded to in my post with the taking the car analogy.

 

I suppose that most people don't get into such fine distinctions, but I've spent too much time in thought and in therapy dealing with boundaries, and where my responsibility ends and someone else's begins, so I do tend to see things in that sort of detail. Then, of course, there's the whole discussion about the difference between "intention" and "results"....but that's another topic for another time.

[nebbish]

while agreeing with all the respect issues, you should also consider some amoral issues that argue against it.

 

first, it has to be secret. society (not to speak of the other's spouse) frowns on this sort of thing. thus you will always have to worry ablout discovery, and this will necessarily limit the quality of your time together.

 

second, who can you share both your happiness and your unhappiness with? you're doing something that is both universally condemned and secret-- so when something special happen who can you share it with, and when you get kicked to the curb, whose shoulder will you cry on?

 

third, you will be conflicted and guilt ridden. the fact that you're asking suggests you are not a "serial cheater" and that you do have a moral compass. so how will you deal with your guilt? you didn't say whether you were married, but if you are, how will you face your kids, your spouse-- knowing what you are doing? a lot of people can pull this off, but it is difficult and it will wear on you over time.

 

fourth, how committed is the married person to this withyou? what is that person's tolerance for secrecy (an adventure at first, but it begins to wear on you)? will they want more and more? how will they handle the guilt? do they know how they will? and how will you respond to them when all this happens? how will they respond to being discovered?

 

fifth, what about the other person's spouse? remember, people routinely are shot and killed when this sort of thing comes to light. is the husband a member of the nra? is secuirty provided by smith and wesson?

 

if you do a cost benefit, it just isn't worth it. moral/respect issues aside.

 

go close a bar on a thursday friday or saturday. at closing time there will be plenty of -- well, you get the picture.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that it has to do with point of view on the fidelity issue. In other cultures it is socially acceptable for a person to have a lover as long as they provide for that person. There are also cultures where as long as a mistress is kept private it is socially acceptable.

 

It wasnt all that long ago that people didnt marry for love, marriages were arranged by family members so it would benefit the family more so than the person. In this case taking a lover was actually common. I believe that people have a false sense of history when it comes to fidelity, rarely has it ever taken place.

 

This does bring up issues of relativism but morality/values are established by the culture and time in which we live.

 

I also believe that people can be hipocritical on this issue, there are people out there who claim that cheating is wrong and not tolerated, then when their significant other does cheat they simply forgive them and move on so things can try and be normal. If you feel that cheating is wrong then dont put up with it (meaning break up with the person). People need to show conviction with their actions instead modifying their beliefs causing them to lose credibility.

[antoniov]

If you see my post on top, you will see my wife had another man's baby and was/is having an affair with him. This could be a possibility for any man who is having an affair with a married woman or vice versa for that matter. All I have to say is that think of the consequences of that and you will see it is not worth sleeping with someone who is married.

 

Tony

[DN]

DN, how can the person dating the married person be as much in the wrong? I dont agree with people doing this but I do think the one who is married or in a relationship is more at fault than the person who is single.

 

There is a maxim in civil law called joint and several liability. It means that when two or more people do someone damage in some way they are all held equally responsible, despite who did most of the damage. If you are the injured party, you don't have to sue them all to get their share of any damages, you just have to sue one of them and it is that person's responsibility to pay damages and collect from the others in a separate lawsuit.

 

If two or more people plan to do a criminal act is is called a conspiracy and is a felony in and of itself, sometimes even if the crime is not actually committed.

 

By the same reasoning aiding and abetting someone to commit an immoral act means you are equally culpable. If you know this person is married and about to commit adultery, then you are conspiring with that person. It is true that s/he is the one breaking the marriage vows but you are consciously and deliberately helping them do that.

 

How can it not be as bad?

[nebbish]

agreed that it is differnet in other cultures. francois mitterrand's mistress was setaed next to his wife at his state funeral. but we're discussing our culture and society's views here.

 

my only point was that given our culture, the cost doesn't justify the benefit.

 

and that ignores the other excellent "moral" points thatothers here have posted.

[OceanEyes]

I recently learned that one of my closest girlfriends in high school has been carrying on (or was, whatever) some type of "relationship" with a married man. That wasn't even the worst part. Apparently, she is very 'close' with the man's wife, baby-sits their kids, and is the shoulder to cry on for BOTH of them. If that isn't a case where you could apply the phrase "snake in the grass", then I don't know what is!

 

I think dating someone who is married, knowingly, is pathetic and desperate. I've been dating for over 10 years, and it's never been a big problem for me to meet someone single. I've unknowingly gone out on dates with guys who have had girlfriends, but upon finding out, realize that I ain't gonna share. No way, who wants to be second-best?

 

I see that there is some debate here as to whether or not the person who gets into an affair with a married individual is as bad as the person married. I wouldn't say that the person has a responsibility to the marriage (the person married absolutely KNOWS BETTER), so it doesn't make them as bad. But it does make them appear so desperate and pitiful, as if the only person he/ she could start a relationship with is someone who is looking to escape from a relationship themselves. They agree to be second best, and to be the "beck and booty call", hoping that something greater will develop (even though 90% of the time - IT DOESN'T!). Waiting around for someone who is already married is just so sad. Have some respect for yourself!

[guy40az]

Well I have always thought it was wrong to date someone that was married or even had a BF I think it is the worst thing you can do to someone. I do think the married person is more responsible for it then the single person that is dating the married person.

 

I thought at first that the single person that was dating my wife was mostly at fault then I came to the conclusion that it was her that had the vows to me and not him. I just would never date a married person.

 

Besides how could you ever trust some one if they would be willing to cheat on someone they were married to for 11 years and had 2 kids with and basically had a really good marriage why would you think they would be fateful to you?

 

I have just noticed there are a lot of people dating married people and I think it is so stupid to even consider such stupid act.

[DN]

Responsibility for a wrong action is shared but it is not divisible. You are each completely responsible not just half.

 

For example: if a single parent criminally neglects a child, s/he is charged with neglect and receives a punishment. Say, for the sake of argument, two years in jail. If there are two parents equally responsible, that responsibility is shared not divided. So they each serve two years in jail, not one year each.

 

It's the same with an immoral act. If both people are knowingly engaging in it, they are each equally responsible. The one who is married is breaking marriage vows, but the other person is helping, sometimes encouraging, always enabling, that to happen.

[DN]

Many people are also surprised to learn that in some jurisdictions the person who is having sexual relations with a married person can be sued by the spouse of their lover for alienation of affection:

 

link removed

 

This illustrates the point.

[RayKay]

I think this is more to Ocean Eyes based on her post, but anyone else can answer too based on their own experiences...

 

Has this information changed things in terms of your friendship with her? I just thought reading your post that myself, if I found out one of my close friends was doing that (or cheating on their partner) I admit I am not sure I could continue to be friends with them. I have not confronted that issue so far, so might sound sort of like a fair weather friend, but I think I would have a hard time being friends with someone who was doing something that was so against my values like that...I don't know...I mean I would not just disappear, I would tell them why it bothered me and urged them to come clean, but if they did not, I think I would have to tell them that I could not continue to tacitly approve of it by being close anymore....I don't know....

[codaaurora]

I just find it interesting that this particular subject is in the Ten Commandments not once but twice.

 

You know, before I became a Christian, I always believe that the Ten Commandments were more like a guide to the way one should live their life, whether they believe in God or not.

 

So for all non-Believers or Believers, here you go...

 

VI THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY......men will deliberately attach only specific sins on this Commandment, for shame will make them call this The Hidden Commandment'."

 

IX THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.....Adultery - Temptation through thought, word and deed.

 

Okay...done

[shes2smart]

I just find it interesting that this particular subject is in the Ten Commandments not once but twice.

 

Just goes to show you how long people have been struggling with this issue.

 

There really is nothing new under the sun.

[nebbish]

of course, literally speaking, to commit adultery in violation of the commandment, both participants have to be married. if one is single and one married, it doens't count. there are many examples in the bible where the one single/one married doesn't count-- but where both are married-- as in david and bathsheeba-- there are problems. of course, coveting thy neighbor's wife covers it if the man is single and the wife married to someone else-- but if the man is married and the woman not someone else'e wife, she would, presumably be covetable.

[stressed1]

Well,

 

In defence of the 3rd party/single person, I will disagree on some points already discussed. I for one, lead an honourable existence in every single aspect of my life, bar this.

 

I know of many people that have successfully seen married people and they have left to share new lives. The points I make are:

 

1. I dont think it is acceptable to try and pursue married people, they have to indicate and make the move if they are unhappy.

2. The responsibility is on the married person, NOT the single person. If the married person did not cheat nothing would happen would it? You cant MAKE them have an affair anymore than you can make someone else date you.

3. People have affairs for reasons.

4. The 3rd party in the relationship has to accept some consequences. If the other party comes after u and beats u up, they have to accept that.

5. They also have to accept the resonsibilities of their actions, ie they have to commit to the person after the affair and give support, UNLESS it is agreed upfront (though this is usually all words at the time) that its casual.

6. The married person having the should have to leave.

 

So, in summary, stop condemning the 3rd party, if the conditions above are met it can be beneficial to the estranged married person. If the above conditions are not met, its all pointless, damageing and for nothing. just screws with peoples lives. If something can be taken out of it, then fine.

 

Sometimes, people in bad marriages just cannot leave unless they have way out. So before the condemnation, think of all the happy releases affairs have brought perhaps....sometimes its what has to be done.

 

Yes, my conditions for having them are strict, see my points above.

[Hope75]

.

2. The responsibility is on the married person, NOT the single person. If the married person did not cheat nothing would happen would it? You cant MAKE them have an affair anymore than you can make someone else date you.

 

I disagree. If the single person is aware that the other person is married and still the married person is still pursuing them, I think it is a question or morality and self respect, and the right thing for the single person to do is to say no, until and unless the married person leaves thier spouse.

 

While the married person has more of a responsibility to act within the contract of the marriage and it's vows, if the 3rd party is aware of the marriage, regardless of that marriage's circumstances, that married person is off limits.