How to break relationship patterns?

[marolua]

As all of us know, most of us tend to attract to similar girls and guys, usually we tend to pick up a person which we find attractive for one or another reason. But there arises a problem when we can not break the patterns that we have been unhappy in the past.

 

As an example, I always get attracted to the 'detached, unavailable' type of men. I find them great, and I can attract them back, fine, but sooner or later they begin to be 'unavailable' for my measures. So I go crazy, start to think that 'he doesn not love me anymore' and the relationship ends.

So I get over my ex, start a new life. But I am still attracted to the same type of men. I realize that the end of the realtionship would be the same, and I draw myself back.

 

So I am left alone. Thats not so bad, but this cant last forever?

 

I need to find a way to break with my relationship patterns, but dont know how. Can I ever get attracted to another type of guy? Is there a way to be sure that I am over my patterns?

 

How do we break with the past and start a new future?

[annie24]

Hmmm... good question!

 

I am kinda in the same boat, and now I'm thinking the same thing in my head. I don't like the same type of guy as you, but I've recently noticed a pattern. I fall for "nice guys" that wind up not treating me nice.

 

I don't know - I would love to hear suggestions that people have.

 

I guess one thing that I've heard is to date, for say, 6 months every guy that asks you out - you know - give them a chance. Well, I mean, don't act desperate and date just ANYONE, but if you would normally reject a guy because you only like tall men and he isn't 6 feet tall, then maybe you should start dating men of all sizes. If a man who is 5'9" approaches you, don't reject him because of his height. Get to know him. Go out on one date with him.

 

Others? Suggestions?

[RayKay]

Your suggestions about trying out people "not your type" is a good one Annie.

 

I have dated all types so I am not the best person to ask regarding this, but I DID tend to get into situations where I knew the guy was not going to commit to me, and yet I would stay around hoping things would change, and even trying to change who I was to fit more to what they wanted to commit too..

 

When I broke up with my last ex, I finally resolved no more! I would only get involved with someone who would be absolutely crazy with me, and treat me with respect, love, kindness, and only then did I finally find it. Of course, I also got a bit lucky too in finding my "One"...and he got lucky with me too...hehe...so everyone's experience may vary!

 

I have heard that writing down what you want in someone though helps you better subconsciously build that in your head so you can better filter out the bad from the good

[marolua]

Well, I do try people not of my type, at least I have tried them at the past. Actually I notice two patterns, not one One who go for me crazy and in which I dont feel the same way. And one which I go crazy and the other side is rather cool.

 

May be the problem is that I always tend to calculate love, which part tends to love more than the other party. You might say that, Love is not something to measure quantitively, it is a quality. But I dont know, I just think in this manner.

 

The problem is I am just fed up with all this calculations, strategies and the stuff that we go through in a relationship. I know I am young but I have had enough of my share.

 

Is there any possibility that the both sides will love each other on equal terms? If there is, may be I should go for it.

[mknikkiw]

I think this is a very common problem for a lot of people especially women. I think it is just easier to stick with what we know and we don't want to go out of our "comfort zone". I do the same thing. I try to go for different guys but they somehow turn out to be the same. But my real problem is that guys fall head over heels in love with me and I have a hard time getting rid of them when I realize they are not the one for me. I think I have a hard time commiting to relationships. The guy I am with now is a great guy and is definitely marriable. But for some reason we fight all the time and I can't get over some things that are said or fought over. So I have this building up inside of me to the point that I don't want to be around him anymore. So if anyone has suggestions for me please let me know. Thanks, Nicole

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Actually I think all three of you posts are in some ways wrong. Almost EVERYONE in their 20s is attracted to the unattached types. This particularly goes for women. People make the mistake (i think it's part of evolution) that the more dettached you are and harder to win over, the more valuable you are. Seriously, just about any psychology book will tell you this, particularly when it comes to relationships. Women often grow out of this as their biological clocks are ticking and they think, oh crap, I am wasting my time. This is why nice guys (if they aren't strategic) finish last. Often it is not because they are nice (unless the girl has poor self-esteem) but because they are easy to win. Think about it, what is more valuable to us, what is rare, or what is easy to purchase.

Personally I think you will grow out of this as you mature and (emotionally) come to realize unavailable doesn't mean better.

[freedom]

I am really interested in this conversation. Especailly from a women point of view. What about singlehood. Has anyone choose singlehood over having a relationship to break the pattern, and figure that life was much much better without a man? is it that much better? are guys really that much pain in the ass? and what about it makes a woman change her mind from attachment to singlehoood and from singlehood to attachment?

Many thanks if you dare answer this.

 

[Falucchi]

Breaking patterns require that you recognize why you're doing what you're doing.

Going for the unavailable guy, for example, is "safe" for you- so why do you need safe? What is keeping your from giving yourself the opportunity to become fully involved?

Here is an intersting point (I didn't write the following info)

 

This is one of the most painful and self-destructive patterns, isn't it? At least you're aware that you are making the choices, and aren't blaming your partners for betraying you. And remember--nothing is wrong with you that isn't wrong with anyone else. We each have areas of our life where we are the most challenged, and carry emotional baggage from our past.

 

More specifically, you may be prone to choosing unavailable partners if:

 

You felt abandoned by a parent as a child: You repeat this pattern as an adult by finding partners who can't be there for you either.

 

You have low self-esteem: If you came from a very dysfunctional home which left you with little self-esteem because you were always criticized or ignored or abused, you may feel you don't deserve to have a mate all to yourself, so you'll take whatever you can get.

 

You're afraid of intimacy: Being in a relationship with a partner who is unavailable is a great way to avoid true intimacy. If you were sexually or physically abused as a child and had your boundaries violated, or made a decision when you were young that you would never let anyone get close enough to hurt you again, you may find it "convenient" to choose partners with whom you can never have a truly committed relationship as an unconscious method of protecting yourself from pain.

 

Our emotional programming can cause us to seek out emotional situations that are similar to those we experienced in childhood, regardless of whether those experiences were positive or negative. As human beings, we gravitate towards the familiar. I'll bet you like to sleep on the same side of the bed each night, park in the same space at work, to and go back to your favorite vacation spot. Returning to the familiar is a basic instinct that gives our lives a sense of continuity and safety in a very chaotic and changing universe. Unfortunately, this instinct can work against us when it comes to relationships, in that we may tend to unconsciously seek out emotional situations that are familiar to us.

[hecka_bekah]

I have the same problem with the "nice" guys as you Annie24. The problem is that I'm too trusting in the beginning and a guy needs to gain my trust before I can trust him.

 

I think that anyone who continues to be drawn to a certain type who they know to be a negative influence on them is emotionally "unavailable" themselves. The qualities they truly look for are often times the qualities they wish they had, but do not have the strength to gain.

 

These qualities need to be found in ourselves before we seek them in others or else every one of our relationships will feel unequal as marolua described.

 

The fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, and/or abandonment, as Falucchi pointed out, would make anyone afraid of giving their all into a relationship (going back to being "unavailable"). The fear of being vulnerable creates a desire to "save" a partner from the same fear of not being loved and accepted. If one cannot feel loved and accepted, why can't they make the other one feel loved and acceped? This never works because if someone is unable to help themselves, they surely cannot help another. This is because their lack of self control influences them to act in the same negative manner as their partner. Neither of the two end up being "saved" and the cycle continues until both are willing to learn from their mistakes.

 

The only way we all can learn from our unsuccessful relationships is to be happy with ourselves and by ourselves so we can develop those qualities we've always admired in others.